Going Out Like That
By HJ Russo
Rating R
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the idea
Summary: Life throws this group of friends a curveball. This is how they deal with it. Now will it tear them a part? Or bring them even more closer? Only time will tell.
Couples: Anything is possible.
Have you ever felt like the best possible way for everything to do was to end everything? That way you wouldn't be able to feel any more of the pain of rejection? The look of shame and even hatred coming from your so called friends? The people that are supposed to have your back and love you no matter what seemed to turn their backs on you. Just because someone slipped some dangerous and untruthful words from their poisonous mouth? Now some may say that would be the easy way out, or you would be a complete pussy for doing it.
Well I say its bullshit. No one has the fucking right to say shit when they don't know it.
The darkness that just fills your soul so much that you don't even remember anything else but that. It is funny how much power we give other people to have over us isn't it? How with one look or one word can break everything in us? When you think about that it is really pathetic on how we have a tendency to depend on other so much for our self-worth. Why can't we just love ourselves and be happy with that?
Again I say bullshit. It is easier said than done I know. But don't you wish it was true. My life use to be so perfect, no scratch that. Hell I don't even know the right word to use, but it was a hella lot better then what it is now. I use to have a family. Not just any ordinary family, because they aren't family by blood. I lost that long ago when the slut who gave me life decided that I wasn't worth it and left me in a trash can next to a fucking police station. I should be thankful that they decided to throw away all those empty donut boxes otherwise I would have never been discovered.
Sorry I am getting off tracked aren't I? Well anyway after I was discovered I was thrown into the lovely system hoping someone would adopt the poor baby someone just threw away. They say it is easier to get adopted when you are a baby. People prefer babies compared to older children. Well that wasn't my luck. I don't know what it was, was it the fact that my mother was a cold stone drug addicted who got knocked up by her latest pimp that they were afraid that the child of a whore would be just like her? When it seemed like they finally gave up hope of ever getting rid of the hopeless child. I was shuttled of to the place that would become my home for the first 18 years of my life. A barely passible orphanage that for some luck or reason still was open. Now don't get me wrong the people who ran it were good people they loved the children that were there. No abuse or neglect took place. There just wasn't that much money around there. They could barely afford to keep the doors open which I guess was the only Christmas gift we needed right? It was better than the alternative. They were actually the ones who gave me my name.
Which isn't important. Because I am not important. But at one time I had people who actually believed that which made me believe it.
Sigh.
There I go again; going off track.
Anyway the place was pretty decent. And that is the place I met my family. The group of kids that were there became my siblings. There was nothing that we wouldn't do for one another. Even after all the shit that went down recently it still brings a smile to my face to think of the days when we were family and not enemies. Even after everything that went down I still consider those people my family. Because how can one call another family only in good times. It doesn't you have to go through the bad shit to know that the so called bond you claim to have is really strong enough to wither. And for the most part it had.
Time for another pointless sigh.
Riker was the oldest of the bunch. He was the big brother that so desperately wanted and ended up having. He took it upon himself to make sure that everyone else was taken care off. When it was time to find food, he would always be the last one to eat. If there was even enough to go around that is. Like I said the place was decent but barely running. He always made sure that if we were outside the walls of our so called home, that we would have each other's backs. And if one of us came into trouble Riker would be the one that would come rescue us.
Rocky was the complete fuck up. But we loved him. He was our brother but he pulled some dumb shit. I will never forget one day coming in and seeing Rocky getting his ass kicked by Ellington when Ellington found Rocky was fucking around with his girl Kelly. I thought we were going to lose Rocky that night Ellington really did a number on him. But after everything things managed to go back to semi normal. Things really weren't the same between them but everything was cool. It helped that Ellington started to see someone else. But that was the moment that he started keeping his distance with not just Rocky but everyone.
Laura. Sweet innocent Laura. That is what everyone thought. She was the one that everyone made sure was protected. Fragile and quiet was the outer persona she gave out. She always made sure other people were happy even at the expense of herself. During the days she would spend writing in her journal when she wasn't with everyone. I remember how everyone basically gathered around her to protect her, like she was some porcelain doll that would break at any minute. At times I have to admit I was jealous of her. Why couldn't anyone be that protective of me? And was someone as weak and gentle as she proclaimed that she was? See the thing was that one night I found out that was completely untrue. I was coming home one night after school and that was when I saw a glimpse of the true Laura. I heard laughing coming from the side of the home and at that time of night there shouldn't be anything going on. So I turned and look and what I saw completely took me by surprise. There was sweet innocent Laura against the wall of the building with her legs spread with some guy in between her legs basically eating her out, what shocked me more was the blond tassel of hair that I saw.
Riker
And James.
Do I need to say anymore? Turns out Laura and Riker had been secretly together for months at that point. And James? James was their secret fuck buddy. The image of James fucking Riker in the ass while he fingered Laura would be something I couldn't bleach from my brain.
Maia was the other girl in the group. She and Laura were really close almost like they were sisters from blood. Maia was a free spirit who did whatever the hell she wanted and really didn't give a shit about the consequences. This was refreshing. There was no rule that Maia didn't love to break, it was like it was in her to break it, and it was like she could NOT not break it you know? But that didn't make her a bad person, it made her who she was and that was the person that we all loved.
What can I say about Ross? He was an egotistical piece of shit that believed that he was the second coming of Jesus. He had a stick so far up his ass you would have thought that he would have been even taller. Ross knew he was attractive and that girls would be throwing themselves at him. Which they did. Ross was such a horny asshole he even banged guys. Ross made everyone want to sleep with him. And he knew it. He with that damn shit eating grin fucking knew it. That was the thing that really pissed me off about him, he seemed like he really didn't give a damn about anyone but getting off. Sure he had our back but he really was only looking out for number one and for Ross that was Ross. But he was still family.
He was a manwhore but he was our manwhore. Ross could drive anyone insane but if someone dared to hurt him or attack him we all would rally around, because in the end no one messed with our family without receiving any consequences.
I close my eyes as the thought of what was once was burned inside of me. Tears couldn't even come as they dried out a long time ago. I just can't believe how far everything went to shit and how fast. We all were so close but know would they even care if I died?
Because I honestly don't know. Because right now that is the only thing that I craved.
To finally be free from this torment and to finally be at some kind of peace.
Peace.
That sounds lovely doesn't it?
And at this point I can't say I would miss them. I know I just spent the majority of this saying how I would.
See the struggle I face?
As much as I miss them and love them. I hate them as much. Maybe even a bit more. They were the only fucking family I had and every single one of them turned their back on me. Was everything a big fat fucking lie then? Well obviously it was. And I hate myself for even believing them. That makes me the worst culprit even worse than them. I was fooling myself into thinking that anyone could ever love me. That anyone could ever see the real me. How could I think that I was something that was worth something?
Shit.
Here are the God Dammed tears that I thought were done.
Another fucking lie.
I can actually feel my throat burning from these fucking tears. Why am I even crying? It's not like someone is noticing. Like anyone would care that someone as worthless like I am is in pain.
All I hear is silence and I try and scream into the darkness but nothing comes out. Is it because the darkness is my only home?
Sigh.
Well then I guess I should just accept that and let go. Why should I live in such constant pain and hurt? Why do I need to feel like I am some worthless being that doesn't deserve to be loved and to love? Why do I even try? As I am typing this I am counting down to the final seconds. I have made up my mind in what I am going to do. So whoever reads this just know that you may not condone this and that is okay. Because I am done with caring what others think. Get back to me when you feel nothing because that is how you feel.
Riker, Rocky,Laura, and Maia. We were once a family and now you treat me like I am nothing. Well here is my final act of friendship if you want to call it that. Just please know that I didn't do what you guys think I did. You guys were my family and I never would treat my family the way you guys treated me. But what I am saying won't change anything. You guys already threw me away.
Once again I was thrown away. Guess that means I really am trash.
Well you guys don't have to worry about me anymore. I just wanted to say goodbye.
So Goodbye.
And with those two words, she hit send, to send her final words to the people that were once so close to her. Now they felt like strangers. And within a few seconds a gunshot shattered the once silence that was the only thing Rydel knew.