The field trip to IKEA By MaeFrunkelhack
[Author's Notes: No crime against any laws of copyright or such intended. I'm just playing with some of J.K. Rowling's characters. Mind that the Swedish girls belong to me, even though they might not think so, considering they're some of my friends, haha. Professor Hollyfield's mine too. I apologize before-hand for any mistakes considering grammar or spelling, English happends to not be my first language. Some of the characters, mine that is, speak Swedish on occasion in the following story, but I've put the English translation between [, so you'll do alright. I hope you'll enjoy, if not, just don't read. Thanks. Here we go!
"Why are they selling food and cookies in a furniture store?"
"Dunno, Wormtail. Maybe Muggles get hungry by staring at sofas for too long. Can't blame them, really. This is boring." The tall, black-haired boy yawned. His shorter friend still looked confused and turned to the boy on the other side of him.
"I'm guessing it's meant to attract customers. We could have asked professor Hollyfield, if SOMEONE hadn't knocked him unconscious and locked him up in a broom closet."
"Don't be such a party pooper, Moony." The black-haired boy grinned and scratched the back of his neck. "Besides, it was an accident. Honestly. Seriously. … 'Siriusly'…"
"Yeah." A fourth boy said, also grinning and ignoring the awful pun. "How are we supposed to have any fun on this field trip with some relic pointing at every lamp and telling its life story?" He watched the boy called Wormtail through his glasses. "I don't think they'll notice a missing muffin or two. Hand me one too, will you?" As he took a big bite of it, he asked Moony: "What's this place called again? 'IDEA'?"
"'IKEA'. It's a Swedish furniture company. We're here to help Wormtail with his Muggle Studies. He failed the last test about 'the differences and similarities between English and foreign Muggles'."
"Thanks for the review, Moony."
"Shut up and give me a muffin, Padfoot."
A very loud, almost high-pitched noise made them all freeze.
"My ears…" Wormtail whined.
"Sounds like a dog whistle."
"How do you know how something too high-pitched for the human ear to hear soun-… Never mind, Padfoot."
"Ha, ha, Prongs. Don't make me steal your glasses. Again."
Moony picked up a green notebook from a bin that said 'Allt i lådan 10:-' [Everything in the bin 10 SEK, the Swedish currency and smacked them both over their heads.
"Perhaps we should go find out where the noise came from?"
As this wouldn't be much of a fanfic if they didn't, they did. Making Wormtail and Padfoot part from the cafeteria wasn't an easy task, but after some persuading, they all headed towards the area of sofas and other living room stuff.
"Um… I thought this place was empty during the nights? Wasn't that why the professor told us this was going to be held when I should be sleeping my beauty sleep?" Padfoot whispered as they saw a group of what obviously was Muggles sitting on the furniture playing cards.
"Du fuskar, din förbannade… Fuskare!" ["You're cheating, you cursed… Cheater!" one of them shouted, a girl with brown messy hair and squared glasses.
"Ska du säga! Sen när finns det fem knektar I en kortlek, va, Mae?" [And you should talk! Since when are there five jacks in a set of cards, huh, Mae?" another girl shouted back, throwing popcorn at the others.
"Jag fattar inte varför ni ska fuska för, Leo. Jag vinner ju ändå." ["I don't get why you have to cheat anyway, Leo. I'll win anyway." a girl with short blonde hair grinned
"Vad är det vi spelar nu igen?" ["What was it we're playing again?" a girl with brown hair and freckles said, scratching her nose.
"Poker, Nettie, POKER." [ Do I really need to translate this?
"Poker?" Padfoot echoed loudly from where he and his three friends stood.
"Padfoot, shut up! We're not supposed to be seen by the Muggle community!" Moony hissed.
"But I know how to play that game!"
"Congrats." Prongs smiled. "So do the rest of us."
"Hallå! Vad gör ni här? Vi har stängt!" ["Hey! What are you doing here? We're closed!"
"Ooops. They heard us."
"No kidding, Padfoot? Now we're in trouble."
The fifth Muggle girl stood up. She had a card behind her ear and one fell out of her sleeve.
"Snackar ni nån svenska? Ni låter brittiska." ["Do you speak any Swedish? You sound Brittish."
"Huh?"
"Tydligen inte. [Apparently not. Who are you and what are you doing here? Are you going to rob us, or something?"
"Because then you're wasting your time, cutiepies." The girl with squared glasses put in. Sarichi here won my last kronor."
"We're here on a field trip." Wormtail said.
"During the night?" the girl who was throwing popcorn asked doubtfully.
"Well yes, haven't you been informed? We're working for the government and we're here to see what IDEA looks like when no one's here." Padfoot lied.
"'IKEA', Padfoot!" Moony sighed.
"Whatever. What are you five girls doing here, by the way?"
"We're working." the freckled girl said.
"Well, at least our boss think so." The girl with short hair grinned. "And we wouldn't be stuck here until we've paid that damn debt if Mae hadn't blown the kitchen area up." She glared at the girl with glasses, who was smiling nervously. "She blasted it straight into oblivion!"
"It was an accident, Sarichi. Honestly! I cross 'Mae' heart! Quit laughing, Nettie!"
Nettie quit laughing at the horrible pun and winked at an uncomfortable Moony.
"So…" the popcorn girl said. "Who are you?"
"I'm Sirius." Padfoot said. "This is James, Remus and Peter." He pointed at Prongs, Moony and at Wormtail.
"I'm Leo." The popcorn girl said. "This is Sarichi, Mae, Amoeba and Nettie." She pointed at the short-haired girl, the girl with glasses, the girl with playing cards stuck in everywhere and at the freckled girl.
"Men så artig man kan vara, då." ["Aren't we polite." Mae said, rising an eyebrow.
"Shut up, Mae." Leo laughed.
"Mind if we join you? We're bored out of our wits."
"Oh, you're welcome to. We could use something nice to look at." Amoeba winked.
"You're sitting here!" Sarichi and Nettie sang, pulling down a blushing Moony in between them.
"And where am I sitting?" Padfoot asked smirking towards Moony.
"On your butt." Mae answered cheekily. "Here." She pointed at the stool next to her.
"Aren't we forgetting something?" Prongs grinned.
"You can sit here?" Leo pointed at a chair on the other side of Mae and next to her.
"Thanks." he smiled. "But that's not what I meant."
"Right." Moony said. "I almost forgot. Did you girls hear that awful noise before?"
"Noise?" Amoeba asked.
"Yeah. Really high-pitched. Almost made Wormtail wet himself."
"Did not!"
"Stop picking on Wormtail, Padfoot. But there was a noise."
The girls all pointed at Mae.
"It was her. She doesn't like losing. Guess we don't notice her making those sounds anymore. We're getting used to it."
"Hey! … Okay, guess you're right." Mae grinned guiltily.
The four boys all stared at her.
"Some lungs you've got." Sirius said and rubbed his ear.
"Thanks." Mae huffed.
"Now let's play some poker!" Leo clapped her hands together.
"Ha! Team Girls wins again! Off with your clothes!" Mae shouted, throwing her cards in the air. When Prongs had returned from his raid at the cafeteria he had brought a number of bottles, containing beer, wine and a Swedish Muggle drink called 'snaps'. After some drinking, regular poker was replaced with strip poker. Now the four boys had lost their shoes, their socks and, to the girls' great pleasure, their shirts.
"I thought I was good at this game." Padfoot said. "I'm never letting Evans teach us this stupid stuff again."
"You're just sour because you haven't got to see the girls' underwear."
"YET, Moony, YET." Sirius grinned evilly with a bottle cap in between his teeth.
"Why do I even bother?"
"Shut up about Evans, Padfoot." Prongs muttered.
Padfoot shook his head towards Moony. "Completely hung up 'bout her, isn't he?"
"I am not!"
"Really? Here you go making us think the opposite."
"You shut up about this too, Moony. Have a drink or something."
"I told you, I don't drink!"
"Visst är de gulliga när de håller på sådär?" ["Aren't they cute when they're doing that?" Leo beamed.
"Something tells me you're not working for the government, guys." Amoeba said, helping herself to another bottle.
"That something's right." Padfoot smiled, starting to feel a little tipsy. "We're wizards."
Everybody went silent. Moony flew at the table and emptied a bottle in one giant gulp.
"You're what?" Nettie's eyes went big.
"Wizards." Padfoot hiccupped.
"No, you're not!" Mae said. "There's no such thing as magic."
"Is too!" Wormtail said from his place at the floor.
"Prove it!" Sarichi demanded.
"Yeah, Padfoot. Go ahead." Prongs grinned, also starting to feel a little tipsy.
"Your wish is my command." Padfoot got up from the chair and transformed into a huge, black, bear-like dog. Nettie screamed.
"VOVVE!" [" DOGGIE!" She jumped at the dog, hugging it and scratching it behind its ears.
"You better get off him, Nettie, that's a bloodthirsty sodding beast!" Prongs tried.
Right about then Padfoot rolled over on his back and let Nettie scratch his stomach, and did that silly thing with his leg that dogs do when you scratch them on their stomachs.
"Herrejävlar." [" Holy-"... Let's just say it's a bad word, OK kiddies? Mae breathed.
"'Attans rostiga spadskaft', menar du väl?" ["Darn rusty shovel handles, you mean?" Amoeba smirked, but she was quite pale.
Moony emptied another bottle.
"No big deal, we can all do it."
"Jamiekins? You can all turn into dogs?" Sarichi gasped.
"Nope, that's Sirius's thing. And please DON'T call me that! I'm a stag, Petey's a rat, and Remus…"
"What? He turns into a dungbeetle, or something?" Leo giggled.
"Hey!" Moony objected.
"Nah, he's a werewolf."
Once again everybody went silent. Moony emptied his third bottle.
"Um, Prongs? That's supposed to be a secret, remember?" Peter reminded half-heartedly
"Oh, right. Sorry mate."
Leo stared at Moony.
"You really are a werewolf, Remus?"
"… Yes. But don't worry; it's not a full moon tonight. Then I wouldn't be able to sit here and talk to you."
"Herrejävlar." [Same bad word as above. Mae said again.
"Nu börjar du bli tjatig." [ "Now you're starting to nag." Amoeba said.
"You don't have to look like that girls, I won't bite."
"I might." Padfoot said, after returning to human form. Nettie looked a bit disappointed.
"Vovve…" ["Doggie…"
"I think you got yourself another fangirl, Padfoot."
"Shut up, Prongs."
"What's the matter with you? You're not usually a mean drunk."
"I'm not drunk! It's just…"
"Just what?"
"… We're almost outta schnaps!"
Prongs sighed.
"I'll go get some more, then."
"Oh, we can do that!" Sarichi jumped up from the chair and dragged Moony with her. "And on the way you can help me try out a new bed, Remus…" She grinned and winked at him.
"Why not." Moony and Sarichi left, Moony having a little problem walking straight.
Padfoot laughed.
"Moony's getting lucky!"
"Tror ni han överlever?" ["You reckon he survives?" Mae asked the other girls dryly.
"Näpp, han är dödens." ["Nope, he's dead." Leo said calmly, starting to hand out new cards.
"'I told you, I don't drink!' Who's he kidding?"
"That was actually kinda your fault, Padfoot."
"Not the point. Wait! What if they forget the schnaps?" Padfoot looked worried.
"We'll send Petey to get it, then. Chop, chop, lille påg!" [ "… little lad" Mae threw a pencil at Wormtail, who got up and left muttering.
"Another round of strip poker? The cards are ready." Amoeba chewed at some popcorn.
"Sure, but can we put our clothes back on first?" Prongs asked. "Don't wanna end up completely nude, you know."
"No, you can not!" Amoeba objected. Mae and Leo nodded in agreement.
"Don't look at me like that! I feel so… objectified." Sirius crossed his arms over his bare chest and looked dramatic.
"I thought you liked that?"
"Yeah, you're right, Prongs." Padfoot grinned.
The girls smiled happily, except for Nettie who missed the 'vovve'. Prongs got dressed (Padfoot didn't, for 'good sport') and they continued playing cards, and when Wormtail came back with the snaps, getting more wasted.
This they did all night.
The next morning when Prongs opened his eyes, he didn't know where he was. Where were the funny furniture and the funny girls? He moaned when he realized how much his head hurt.
"Oh, you're awake, Mr Potter. You're in the Infirmary. Professor Hollyfield remembered he was able to apparate about four AM, and got you and your friends back to school. The four of you will receive detention for the rest of the school year for locking him up in the broom closet." Madam Pomfrey's voice told him. He slowly looked at the beds to his right, and saw an unconscious Wormtail and a snoring Padfoot. He, again very slowly, turned his head to the left. Moony was lying in bed, staring at the roof with a silly grin on his face. Madame Pomfrey muttered.
"The alcohol level in your blood was ridiculously high. And the professor had to fix the girls' memories, too. Poor girls."
The Marauders spent the following three days in bed, having the worst hangover in the history of Wizardry.
The End