It's Not You

by INMH

For the love bingo challenge, prompt "Breaking Up is Hard to Do". Derby needed to break up with Pinky. Derby/Pinky, Derby/Bif.

It's Not You

Rating: PG-13/T

Genre: Romance/Drama/Humor

Summary: For the love_bingo challenge, prompt "Breaking Up is Hard to Do". Derby needed to break up with Pinky. Derby/Pinky, Derby/Bif.

Author's Note: Geez, I haven't written a one-shot for Bully in a while. I once had all of the names memorized, and as I was writing this, I started to draw a blank on a lot of them.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bully. It belongs to Rockstar Games.

()()

Derby needed to break up with Pinky.

The only reason he'd even considered dating her in the first place was the fact that it was expected of them. Families married within families, keep the good blood in and the bad blood out and whatnot.

But this was getting irritating.

Pinky's temper could be explosive and, even for a Prep, she was a brat. "Two minutes late!" She had screeched when he'd shown up for their last date. "Two minutes! What do you think I am, a tramp? You think I'm just perfectly fine waiting here on the corner like some prostitute while you take your sweet time?"

You would swear that he'd been caught in bed with another woman, or that he'd shown up drunk or high or dressed as a Greaser. He had tried for the next ten, twenty minutes to calm her down, to get Pinky to at the very least go somewhere more private where they could continue screaming at each other without an audience.

Being humiliated in public was bad enough. But his father had been pressuring him to keep up appearances and go out with Pinky more often, so Derby had to go on that date whether he wanted to or not. And Pinky had not, in any sense of the phrase, made it easy on him: If she wasn't dropping snide remarks about his inability to be punctual, it was more overt criticisms regarding anything else that happened to come to mind.

"It was a living nightmare." Derby muttered into his pillow in response to Bif's inquiry as to how the date had gone, later when he was back in Harrington House.

"Really?"

"Yes really, have you even met her?" Derby snapped after he picked his head up. "She was a monster! I'd have had a better time on a date with Johnny Vincent!" Something like irritation flickered across Bif's face, and Derby assumed that he was either disgusted by the idea of a date with the Greaser leader or, perhaps, by the idea that Pinky had been bad enough to make such an instance preferable.

"You'd really prefer that?" Bif muttered. Derby stopped and gave it some serious thought, and then he cringed.

"On second thought, no." Bif brightened.

"You could always break up with her."

Derby sighed. "I'm starting to think I don't have another choice. Father and mother will just have to get over it. I'll find someone else that will satisfy them." He spent the rest of the night trying to find the correct wording for the infamous Break-Up Speech. It got to a point where he even wrote it down and recited it out loud.

They had a fundraising function the next night at Tad Spencer's house. Naturally, Pinky was his date. Derby debated on whether or not it would be appropriate to break up before or after the function, because one would mean suffering through Pinky the entire time or having to explain why she'd run back home in tears to their friends and parents.

"You could do it in the middle," Bif suggested as they left Harrington House and started towards the Girls' Dorms. "Wait until she does something to set you off and then break up with her. That way she makes an appearance and you don't have to spend the entire time with her."

That sounded semi-reasonable, but Derby found an obvious flaw. "She might also do what she did to Justin at the Christmas party." He was, of course, referring to the incident in which Justin Vandervelde had been unfortunately overheard making a disparaging remark about Pinky's dress and had gotten an entire bucket of ice overturned onto his head.

Bif cringed. "Right. I'd almost forgotten about that."

"I haven't." Derby stopped before the turn to the Girls' Dorm. "I'll catch up with you, good man." Bif smiled.

"Right. I'll see you there." He walked on, throwing a quick glance over his shoulder before leaving the campus.

"Der-by!"

Pinky was coming down the path at a trot.

Derby didn't know what possessed him, but her opened his mouth and, on a whim, almost said it. Not "I want to break up with you", but "Pinky, we need to talk", the universal signal that they were about to have a chat that involved going their separate ways.

But then Pinky reached him, clapping her hands together happily. "Derby! You're on time!" And she darted forward and threw her arms around his neck.

…Damn it.

When Pinky wasn't acting like a spoiled-rotten annoying bitch, she really was quite sweet. Like Jekyll and Hyde, Evil Pinky was easy to break up with: Good Pinky was not. Evil Pinky would scream and snap and swear and shout, and Derby could handle that. But Good Pinky would start to cry, and contrary to popular belief, he did have a heart that would strain under her sadness.

Emotionally, you could say that Derby was a little attracted to Pinky. When she wasn't a stark-raving lunatic, anyway. But physically… No. Maybe it was the fact that she was his cousin, but Derby did not feel even slightly attracted to her. At all. She was a pretty girl, no question, but it just wasn't happening. Just because someone was pretty didn't mean you had to be attracted to them.

The next day, in gym class, Derby further bemoaned the encounter (Bif had already heard a bit the night before).

"I can't believe myself." He muttered as he shut off the showerhead and grabbed his towel. Bif had just stepped out of the neighboring shower and was toweling off. "I feel like I'm leading her on by not breaking it off, and yet whenever I try, I fail. What kind of fool am I?"

"A fool in love?" Bif ventured with a brief grin. Derby rolled his eyes, but they stuck half-way through the roll when they landed on Bif once more. The towel around his waist had fallen dangerously low, revealing his lower stomach and the curve of his hips. Derby's gaze lingered for one long moment before he snapped out of it and jerked his eyes back up to Bif's.

"Not love. Certainly not love."

Derby tried the next day, as he and Pinky were walking towards the Glass Jaw Boxing Club.

"Pinky, I think perhaps you and I should talk about-"

"Did you hear that Lola got caught with Gord behind the bike shop again?" Pinky remarked in disgust as she tapped away on her cell phone. She was one of those people that could just text away at lightning speed for hours on end and never skip a beat in a conversation. Derby was still having trouble grasping emoticons. "Ugh. I swear, aren't you going to do something about him slumming it with her?"

"I'll mention it." Derby had no intention of doing so. Lola Lombardi was hardly the strangest person Gord had slept with (and God, he wished he didn't know that for a fact). "But-"

"And you know he's not the only one she sleeps with," Pinky gestured briefly with a free hand while the other kept tapping away. She wasn't even looking at Derby. "She sleeps with Johnny Vincent, that short Townie kid, Luis Luna- I think she even gave Christy a grope a few weeks ago."

"That's… Interesting, but-"

"And Christy's been messing around with Constantinos. I know, I mean, I never thought he'd manage to land someone either with that dreadful personality of his, but I guess every dog has his day and whatnot."

"Pinky-"

"Speaking of dogs, you really need to get Chad to do something about Chester. The little beast got into the garden area and tore up all of those tulips Mrs. Vendome gave us last April, and they were doing so well. I was going to use them for my biology paper, but apparently now I'm just going to have to do it on butterflies like Angie."

"I-" Derby was starting to see the futility of his efforts.

"Oh my God, did you know that she actually might be considering leaving cheerleading for science club? Beatrice talked her into it, and I tried to tell the girl that she was one cliff-jump away from social-suicide, but no. I mean, it's bad enough that she already talks a bit like a Nerd, but now she's actually going to be one?"
"Pinky!"

Pinky's mouth clamped shut. "Geez, Derby, you don't have to yell."

…God his brain hurt.

"Pinky," Derby began as they stood in front of the club (hopefully he'd be able to flee inside if her reaction ended up being more angry than sad). "We need to talk. I think that perhaps we should consider-"

"Annnngie! Christyyyyyy!" Pinky's voice cut him off, shrill and sharp, as she called out in a friendly manner to the very same girls that she had just been roundly criticizing. "I have to go, Derby, but we'll talk later, 'kay?" She skipped off before Derby's mind could catch up with the words, and he was left standing alone, bewildered.

"How can I break up with her if she doesn't want to hear me speak?" He posed the question, bewildered, at lunch the next day. Bif looked sympathetic, but also like he was trying not to laugh.

"Is the fact that she's, and I quote, 'A nightmare' the only reason you want to break up with her?"

Derby shrugged. "I'm simply not attracted. I never truly was, actually: Recall, father and Uncle Carmichael were the ones that encouraged us to start seeing one another." He paused. "Why do you ask?"

Bif's cheeks went a little red, and he mimicked Derby's shrug and started poking at the mashed potatoes on his lunch tray with renewed interest. "No reason."

He tried again the next night.

This had been an arranged dinner by his father. "You need to spend more time with Pinky," He'd declared flatly. "You're going out to Alazone's tonight, and I expect you two to bond."

The irony of his father, of all people, telling him to bond with someone did not escape Derby.

But Derby was in no position to be saying no to his father at the moment, and so he grudgingly met Pinky, both of them dressed much more expensively than the norm, on the corner near the Italian restaurant in the Vale and tried to focus on keeping his temper (and sanity) in tact. Once they got inside and were seated, Pinky immediately began babbling about what had gone on that day.

"Soooo I told Christy that she was crazy for getting together with Constantinos, and you could tell that she was angry- even though I'm totally right, because that kid is not right in the head- and she tried to ignore me! Can you believe that, Derby? Can you believe that she could just try to ignore me?"

"A futile effort at best, dear." Derby said dryly. He'd learned a long time ago that Pinky was not easy to block out. And even if you did somehow succeed in doing so, the odds of her letting you live once she discovered that she did not possess one-hundred percent of your attention were slim. Derby had mastered the art of half-listening, picking out details to regurgitate if she caught on that he wasn't quite listening and responding every now and then.

"So I kept on her and eventually she got really mad and she-" Pinky kept right on prattling, barely stopping even when the waiter came by to take their orders. She ordered soup ("I have to watch my figure. Did you know that Mandy actually had the nerve to say that my thighs were getting chubby?"), and Derby ordered chicken. He couldn't even quite remember the Italian name of what he'd ordered; he just knew it was chicken.

You may be wondering why, if he was so miserable, Derby didn't just break up with Pinky then and there. He certainly could, there was no question about that, but given the circumstances, it would be incredibly unwise.

They were in public. Many of the people at the surrounding tables were friends of their parents (and parents of their friends, for that matter), and the ones they didn't recognize had to be in their social circle (because Alazone's was no cheap eatery). So if, say, Derby tried to break up with Pinky and- true to form- Pinky were to flip out, everyone would see and hear, and word would get back to his father ten times faster than it might have otherwise.

So for now, he sat in a moody silence and began to contemplate what he'd say to her. He could do it after they left, once he'd escorted her back to the Girls' Dorm. It would be a little later, closer to curfew, and few people would be out. He'd have gone on the date like his father requested, and then it would be over. He could just break up with her. Oh, the thought was cheering. It was really, truly-

"Here you are, sir."

Derby snapped out of his reverie when the waiter set his plate down in front of him. The chicken looked appetizing enough, and maybe it was the rather positive thought of dumping Pinky when dinner was through, but even the spinach on the plate that he normally detested didn't even look that bad. He should probably eat everything, because if Pinky ended up being angry when the break up came he might need to lock himself inside Harrington House tomorrow for his own safety-

"What," Pinky's voice was alarmingly and unexpectedly cold. "Is this?"

"Pardon, ma'am?"

"What," Pinky repeated, picking up her spoon and scooping out some soup, "Is this?" Derby looked carefully at the spoonful of soup and yes, there in the broth, there was a fine strand of dark hair. He promptly made a face.

"Egh- Disgusting." He sneered.

"Oh my goodness," The waiter covered his mouth. "That is just awful. I-"

"No kidding it's awful, there's a hair in my soup!"

Derby went stiff. He recognized that tone. "Pinky-"

"Do you know who I am?"

Now, don't be mistaken: Derby loved pulling the 'Do you know who I/my father is' card as much as the next Prep. It was a bragging right. However, he did not like to scream it at the top of his lungs in a very crowded, very quiet restaurant where everyone knew who he was.

"Pinky, sit down." He hissed.

"NO, Derby, I will NOT sit down." Pinky's voice was painfully loud, and Derby felt his cheeks go dark red as he felt the stares of at least twenty people on them.

"This is not Burgers. This is not Cluckin' Bell. This is a five star restaurant, and while I'm generously gracing you with my patronage, I expect five star treatment! This is not five star treatment!" She screeched, pointing to the bowl.

"Ma'am, I-"

"I'm not finished!"

"Yes you are." Derby snapped.

"NO, Derby, I'M NOT."

And oh Lord, she wasn't.

Pinky proceeded to go on a ten-minute rant (that felt more like ten hours) regarding poor service, poor hygiene, legal action, crappy chefs and threatening that she would call the board of health to come in and investigate and hopefully drag their five stars down to a "measly two at the very least!"

By the time she was done, the manager had come out and practically groveled at her feet, promising a full refund and a major discount on all future meals. Pinky had lectured him for a while too, all while Derby just folded his arms on the table and let his head drop onto them, because this was easily the most humiliating moment of his life. Without question.

He didn't talk to Pinky as they went back to the school campus. He didn't say goodnight, didn't kiss her, didn't even acknowledge her. He just left her at the mouth of the walkway that led to the Girls' Dorm and kept right on walking. He was speechless and exhausted, and Pinky had ranted all the way home. He didn't have the strength to say anything, never mind break up.

"I can't do it." Derby said hoarsely when he got back to Harrington House. Bif was on the couch in the sitting room, and he jumped when Derby walked in. "I just can't do it. Not because I don't want to, but because I- I can't." He yanked his tie off messily and threw it to the floor.

Bif blinked, concerned. "Derby… Are you okay?"

"No," Derby said lightly, shaking his head back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, "I'm not. I'm not okay, Bif. Every, single, solitary time I have tried to break up with Pinky, it has failed. She just won't hear it." He let out what could be interpreted as a somewhat unbalanced laugh. "Judging from the way things have gone, God doesn't want to hear it either!"

"Derby," Bif slowly rose from the couch, one hand raised in a placating fashion. "I think you need to calm down."
"Calm down? Calm down? I am doomed to spend the rest of my life listening to that woman rant and rave and make a nuisance of herself because the very fabric of the universe will probably tear the day I actually manage to say the words 'I want to break up with you' to her and you want me to calm-?"

Bif kissed him.

That was a simple way of putting it. Short. Pragmatic. To the point. Bif just… Kissed Derby. It wasn't making-out: It was close-mouthed, chaste, gentle, and Derby was more than just slightly shocked to realize that he liked it. A lot. And he did like Bif quite a bit, so it wasn't like it was… Awkward, per se? It was nice. Very nice.

He didn't think he was gay. But maybe he was. Maybe he'd just been repressing it (because Preps couldn't be gay, God no, who would carry on the family name)? Maybe he was only gay for Bif. Was that possible? How in the hell would he know, he'd never heard much about this.

But he liked it.

A lot.

Certainly more than he liked Pinky.

Bif let go, backed up a bit, and smiled nervously.

And Derby's mind was blown.

…He really, really needed to break up with Pinky.

The next day, he resolved to do it.

No matter how much she talks, I will make her listen. No matter how much she cries, I will stay firm. If one of her silly little friends calls to her and tries to get her attention, I will follow her around until she gets so tired of me that she has to listen.

"Pinky," Derby met her as she was coming down the walkway out of the Girls' Dorm yard. "We need to talk about something, and it's important."

"I think we need to talk too."

"I need you to just listen-" Derby stopped. "You do?" Pinky nodded promptly.

"I do. There's something I need to tell you, Derby."

Slightly surprised at her approach, he nodded. "Well?"

"I want to break up."

Derby's eyes popped.

"What?"

"Well, after last night when I saw how embarrassed you were at the restaurant, I did some thinking and decided that it was probably for the best. I mean, we really just got together because our parents told us to, and we've never really connected the way that most couples do. And quite honestly, Derby, I just don't think that you can… Handle me." Pinky smiled in a very self-satisfying manner. "I am a lot of woman to deal with, after all, and you just looked horrified after last night."

Derby's brain was still trying to process the 'I want to break up' line.

"You're breaking up with me."

"Yes."

"You are ending our relationship."

"Yes."

"You do not want to see me in a romantic fashion anymore."

"Yes."

Derby almost- almost- made the mistake of openly being okay with that. He very nearly said 'Very well then, good times to you' and skipped off into eternal bliss. But he knew Pinky. He knew her well. And he knew that if he was anything less than devastatingly heartbroken at their parting, her pride was going to be insulted and she might try to get him back. So he did what Preps did best:

Lied through his goddamn teeth.

"Well, Pinky," Derby sniffed, attempting to appear stoically aloof (the expression of all Prep men who were in mental or physical pain). "As much as it pains me, you know I've never been able to really say no to you-" Mostly because she refused to hear it, "-so I must accept that we need to… Part ways. Amiably, I hope."

Pinky gave him a sympathetic little pout and a tiny hug before smiling. "We're still cousins, Derby. And as long as you're not angry, I certainly won't be."

"Of course not, dearest. Thank you for telling me so… Kindly."

"Not a problem." Pinky's phone beeped, and she gasped. "Goodie! I've got a date with Tad. See you later, Derby!" And just like that, she turned around and pranced off.

Derby grimaced in her wake.

"Tad… You poor bastard."

-End