SETTING: HOTEL ROOM
SAM is on the PHONE with Woody.
CAMERA: Juxtapose between Woody and Sam.
Woody: Sam! How's the honeymoon going?
Sam: It's GREAT, Woody. Disney World is everything you'd think it would be and more. How you holding down the bar?
Woody: No problems here, Sam. It's been pretty quiet actually.
Sam: Oh? Did something happen to Cliff?
Woody: Ha. You got it, Sam. His mom's been sick, so he's been helping out.
Sam: Well, that's nice of him to stay home for her.
Woody: Oh no. We've got her on the couch in your office.
Sam: (laughs) What about everyone else?
Woody: Dr. Crane hasn't been here either. He's in Venice with Lilith.
Sam: Poor guy. I imagine it must have been tough for him – first, he sees me marry Diane. Then he has to watch us come to Disney World. Got to be killing him.
Woody: You're probably right, Sam. I know it's killing us.
(Sam hangs up.)
(Pan back to HOTEL ROOM.)
(DIANE is on the bed, absorbed in a book.)
(Grinning, Sam makes his way over to her and chucks her on the knee.)
Sam: You lucky girl.
Diane: Mm? Why's that?
Sam: Frasier's in Venice with Lilith. Can you believe it? They went all the way to Italy when there's a Venice right here in Disney World. I bet it's not even sunny there.
Diane: (practically rolling her eyes) Oh, yes, I'm a lucky girl all right.
Sam: (kisses her on the forehead) I'm gonna head down the pool. Want to come?
Diane: Sam, you know I freckle. I'll just stay up here and read.
Sam: Okay, I'll be back for dinner. I thought we'd eat at that fancy restaurant they have down there – the one with the slot machine.
Diane: Ah, yes, nothing like the clash and clang of a slot machine to accompany a romantic candlelit dinner.
Sam: I know, right? But I don't think they have candles, Diane. Anyway, I'll be back in a few.
(He leaves.)
(There's a tense pause for a moment before Diane suddenly hurls her book to the floor and throws herself face down on the bed. She begins wailing uncontrollably.)
(Sam unexpectedly comes back in the door. Seeing Diane crying, he rushes over and sits on the bed next to her, rubbing her neck.)
Sam: Sweetheart, sweetheart, I know you love me, but I was only gone for a minute.
Diane: (snappishly) What is it Sam? What do you want?
Sam: I forgot my tanning oil. I thought I'd – hey, what the heck is wrong with you?
Diane: Nothing. I'm just a little –
(She throws herself with full force down on the bed again. She can't hold it in - )
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE!
Sam: (genuinely shocked) What?
Diane: Frasier is in Venice! Beautiful, otherworldly Venice! And I spent three hours in a line this afternoon with 400 wailing children so you could get a picture with Goofy.
Sam: Hey, you said you were okay with that.
Diane: What was I going to say?! That I've made a horrible, dreadful, god-forsakenly tragic mistake?!
Sam: (gobsmacked) You tell me this now? You spent months badgering me into marrying you and you tell me this NOW?!
Diane: (angrily) Badgering?!
Sam: (he stands up, pointing at her) Just so I know exactly what's going on here, let me get this straight… You wish you had married Frasier, not me.
Diane: No, of course not. I just wish we were in Venice, that's all. Or Paris. Or London. Or the bathroom at Logan Airport. Anywhere, anywhere except Disney World on my honeymoon!
Sam: (jabbing the air with his finger) You know what, Diane? You're a loon! You are certifiable! I sat there and picked out china and a dust ruffle for you.
Diane: I know, Sam, I –
Sam: You know what your problem is? You want Frasier's head and my body! Correction. You don't even want his head – you just want his brain, with my face! Well, guess what, sugar plum, you knew how I was when you married me – and you can't have it all. Now I'm going down to the pool. And here's a news flash – there's lots of hot chicks down there in bikinis and I'm going to ogle every one of them!
(He storms out.)
(Diane is left looking shell shocked and depressed on the bed.)
LATER
SETTING: GARISHLY LIT AND RESTAURANT WITH CHEESY DECOR.
(Sam and Diane sit glumly across from each other. Every once in awhile, you can hear the clang of a slot machine nearby.)
Diane: Okay. We haven't spoken to each other since we got here.
Sam: Yes, and I appreciate the belated wedding gift, Diane. Just stay silent for the rest of the night and I'll owe you a big one.
Diane: Sam… we have to talk!
Sam: Diane, you made it perfectly clear you think you made a mistake.
Diane: I didn't say that.
Sam: Oh, sorry - a horrible, dreadful, god-forsakenly tragic mistake. Did I leave out any adjectives?
Diane: That's just an expression!
A WAITRESS appears. She's chewing gum.
WAITRESS: What can I get ya?
Diane: Can I just get a glass of wine for now? Do you have moscato?
Waitress: We got Gallo.
Diane: Fine.
(The waitress looks to Sam.)
Sam: You got a noose? I'd like to hang myself.
Waitress: Yep. Be right back.
Diane: (grabbing his hand) Sam, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You ARE the one I wanted to marry.
Sam: Diane… let me ask you a serious question. And, please, be honest here. WHY?
Diane: Well, to be honest, I … I guess I'd tried so many times to get away from you, and it never worked, and eventually I just thought, well, we can't go on like this… if we're meant to be together, we should just do it and stop wasting time.
(She pauses and levels her eyes at him.)
Now let me ask YOU a question, Sam. Why'd you keep chasing me? You came to Italy to stop my wedding. You tracked me down at the abbey and asked me to come back to Cheers. There were so many times you could have walked away if I wasn't what you wanted, and you kept luring me back.
Sam: (sighs) I guess I couldn't get you out of my head. I know it was stupid.
Diane: Well, what do we do now?
Sam: I don't know, Diane. What do we always do? Make each other miserable for awhile and then go have sex.
Diane: (laughs) Sounds like a plan. (turning serious) Sam, have we made a mistake? It would be better for us to undo it now than later when we have children.
(SAM suddenly realizes they are on the precipice of something he doesn't want. He begins to soften his attitude, and then waves his hand at her to come closer, and pats his lap.)
Sam: Come here. Come here, come here, come here…
(Warily, she gets up, and sits in his lap. He brushes her hair away from her face.)
Sam: Look, I know I'm not Frasier. I'm not some brain. I'm not a doctor or some big shot. But you know what, you're not what I thought I wanted either. Now we're stuck with each other and I just think we should make the best of it.
Diane: (rolling her eyes) Please, Sam, I'm blushing.
Sam: You know what I mean. And, look, Woody's holding down the bar, instead of going back to Boston in a few days, why don't we go somewhere you want to go… Venice, Paris, something like that.
Diane: (practically bouncing on his knee) Oh, Sam, really?! Can we do that?!
Sam: (shrugs) Sure, why not. It might be good for me.
Diane: We can go to the Louvre! Oh, you will LOVE the La Caze Collection, the French Renaissance, the friezes…
Sam: Don't they have that chick smiling there too?
Diane: (impressed) Yes, Sam! The Mona Lisa!
Sam: Is that what's she's doing, moaning? I thought she was just grinning.
(She shoots him a look, not quite sure if he's serious or not. Please let him be joking.)
(But rather than take offense and ruin what's left of their honeymoon, she kisses him.)
Diane: I really do have the best husband in the world.
Sam: Yes, you do.
Diane: And you have the best wife.
Sam: Let's not get crazy, Diane.
(He laughs and pinches her.)
Hey, do you know we haven't been intimate since we got here?
Diane: Hm. I hadn't realized. (At his look, she laughs.) Of course I realized.
Sam: Well, what do you say we forget dinner and go upstairs and eat in, if you know what I mean.
Diane: I like that idea.
(They stand up.)
Sam: (rubbing his hands together) But first, let me get at that slot machine. I'm feeling lucky.
(Her face falls and he puts his arm around her.)
Sam: Kidding, kidding! Sheesh, so touchy!
(They are headed out of the restaurant when he stops her and spins her around to face him.)
Sam: Diane, wait. I want to clear something up. I guess I, well, I kept chasing after you because I'm crazy about you. That's why.
Diane: (melting) And I'm crazy about you.
Sam: And now you'll let me play the slot machine.
Diane: Sam, you can play with the slot down here, or play with the one upstairs, your choice.
(He lifts her in the air and carries her off.)
Sam: Let's get you moaning, Lisa.