Mass Effect and its characters belong to Bioware/EA. Mass Effect 3 spoilers below.
Harbinger's beam is bright, and it's blinding, and it burns. It burns away everything: strength, resolve, will, hope. And all that's left is hot, scorching darkness.
Later, consciousness tugs at Shepard's mind, and she wishes it would leave her alone. She doesn't want to wake. Awake is pain. Awake is helplessness. Awake is despair. There is a crushing weight on her and...
Shepard opens her eyes. The weight is Kaidan, and he reeks of burnt out biotic barrier. Hesitantly, her fingers seek his neck, checking for a pulse. The pain in her own burnt limbs is nothing until she knows if he still lives.
It takes a moment, and she can't even breathe until she feels the first weak beat of his pulse. She lets her breath out in a rush, and that's when her own pain starts to wrench at her attention. But shock is on her side, for now, and she can ignore it. And if she is burnt, he must be worse. She shifts gently to get a better look at him, and the sight hits her harder than the Reaper's beam. He looks even worse than after Mars. Because he tried to protect her.
A crackle cuts across her com, and suddenly the rest of the world explodes into life around her. There are bodies everywhere, wounded soldiers crawling for cover, wreckage scattered about... But no sign of Harbinger. Nor of Vega. And the transport beam to the Citadel... still it glows there in front of her, not so far away anymore. There is more crackling on the com, and above the ringing in her ears, she thinks someone is saying, "Our entire force was decimated."
Right. That's her cue.
Shepard carefully pushes Kaidan off and staggers to her feet. As gently as she can afford to, she drags him to the nearby shelter of an overturned vehicle. With voices on the com calling for a retreat, she squares off to the beam and takes the first step towards it.
"Shepard."
At first, she thinks she imagined the wheezing cough, but a glance over her shoulder confirms that Kaidan is stirring.
"Shepard," he says again. She has to lean over to catch his next words. "You didn't think you could get rid of me that easily?"
She tries to push him back down when he struggles to a sitting position. "You're in no shape to-"
Kaidan grabs the hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze as he coughs. "I guess that makes two of us."
"Stubborn," is all Shepard can say, managing a weak grin. He returns it and she feels her heart flutter, but pushes it aside for now. Slowly she rises and offers him the other hand too, helping him to his feet.
It's slow and awkward, but they manage to get pointed in the right direction, and leaning on each other for balance they start towards the beam again. Shepard's attention is split between directing her feet, a task that's never seemed so difficult, and a covert assessment of Kaidan's injuries. So it's Kaidan who spots them first.
"Shepard, husks."
She doesn't know where they came from but they are suddenly there, blocking their path to the beam. Shepard mumbles a barely audible apology to Kaidan and lets him go, reaching for her Locust. Her hands scrabble against charred armor and come up with nothing. Actions growing increasingly jerky and desperate, she searches the other side, and her fingers finally discover her pistol. She takes quick stock of Kaidan, weaponless and struggling to find some last vestige of energy for a barrier. Then the husks charge.
Her mind numbly notes that it must be a side effect of the shock, when time seems to slow as she brings her pistol into line with the first husk. She makes no conscious decision to pull the trigger, but the gun is firing, again and again, until it's in danger of overheating and the husks are lying dead in front of them.
Kaidan levers himself up off his knees and grabs her shoulder. He stares at her face for a moment, checking her over, and then nods at the beam, now only a few steps away. His voice is husky with pain, but there's a strength in it that makes her feet obey when he says "Let's go."
The first thing Shepard notices is the smell.
Then she realizes that the meaty things she sees filling the dark tunnel are bodies... or at least pieces of them. There are the tubes, and the machines. For a dizzying moment she's sure that she's been killed and harvested, tossed into storage with the rest of the meat to wait for processing. Then she feels Kaidan's grip on her arm, the solid contact and pain a lifeline drawing her back to reality. She is Commander Shepard, and she has a job to do.
The two of them start down the tunnel, trying not to breathe too much of the scorched, rotting air. Suddenly there is movement to the side, and Shepard is already lining up for a shot before her brain catches up and realizes it's a keeper. There are several of them moving about the dim corridor, going about their unfathomable tasks as if, for them, there's no difference between these nightmarish tunnels and the Presidium commons. Shepard lowers her pistol with a shudder, and they move on.
They pause again at the far end of the tunnel. Shaking his head with regret, Kaidan recovers a pistol from the body of a fallen soldier. The blank wall before them splits apart, opening into the ever-shifting innards of the Citadel. "What is this place?" Kaidan asks. Shepard has no answer. They pick their way across a slotted bridge, eyes constantly drawn to the light beyond it.
The ramp they climb feels more like a mountain, but step by step they inch their way up it, finding themselves on a round observation platform. Directly ahead a control panel awaits them. But though the circle of windows surrounds them with a million of the Citadel's dazzling lights, their vision seems to fog over. The lights are bright as ever but the room begins to dim, and they falter to a halt, confused.
"I underestimated you, Shepard," sounds a familiar, hated voice.
Shepard squints uselessly against the growing fog in her mind, unable to move or seek out the speaker. "What have you done to me?" she tries to say, but the words tumble wildly in her mouth and get away.
Finally, slowly, the Illusive Man moves into her field of view. "I warned you. Control is the means to survive. Control of the Reapers... and of you, if necessary."
Brushing easily through the haze, the site of him is shocking. He looks as scorched as they do, but not by any Reaper weapon. She knows he implanted himself with Reaper tech, but this is something else altogether. The tech is spreading, growing. Fear clenches her tight as she thinks about her own implants.
As her world narrows to single point in the center of the darkness, Shepard almost forgets that she did not come alone. But though engaged in a struggle of his own, Kaidan somehow finds the strength to speak. "Just who... is the one being controlled, here?"
The Illusive Man brushes off his question, sending a spike of panic through Shepard. If he could see himself... But he does not see. "Controlling me," she points out, "is a lot different than controlling a Reaper."
The Illusive Man doesn't waver. His expression is a familiar one. She's seen him wear it as he sits in front of his information screens, pulling strings like some dark, secretive god. "Have a little faith," he preaches. "When humanity discovered the mass relays... when we learned there was more to the galaxy than we imagined... there were some who thought the relays should be destroyed. They were scared of what we'd find. Terrified of what we might let in."
"They weren't wrong," Kaidan gasps. "The Reapers use the relays to control us."
"But look at what humanity has achieved!" the Illusive Man continues, ignoring the interruption. "Since that discovery, we've advanced more than the past 10,000 years combined."
"Only in the ways they wanted us to," Kaidan protests, but to the Illusive Man, it's like he's not even there.
"And the Reapers will do the same for us again. A thousand fold." Shepard realizes the Illusive Man is more aware of Kaidan than he seems. He gestures and the buzzing increases in her mind. Against her will her gun drifts up and out. To point at Kaidan. "But only if we can harness their ability to control," the Illusive Man finishes.
"No," Kaidan argues, struggling to move. At first Shepard thinks he is speaking to her, but his eyes are locked on the Illusive Man. "You can't control the Reapers. They're controlling you! We have to destroy them."
"And waste this opportunity? Never."
Shepard desperately fights, finding no weakness in his control. Resorting to words as a weapon, she tries for a distraction. "You're playing with things you don't understand. With power you shouldn't be able to use."
This time the Illusive Man wavers. It's brief, but she sees, and latches onto it like a beacon as he continues. "I... don't believe that. If we can control it, why shouldn't it be ours?"
"Because..." Shepard spits out, fearing the reaction. "We're not ready."
The Illusive Man looks thoughtful for a moment. "No. This is the way humanity must evolve."
"We can evolve our own way!" Kaidan protests, disrupting Shepard's plan to keep attention away from him.
The Illusive Man spins around to fully face Kaidan for the first time. "I've dedicated my life to understanding the Reapers, and I know with certainty: the Crucible will allow me to control them."
"And then what?" Shepard asks desperately.
The Illusive Man turns back to her, but he has a wild look in his eyes. "Look at the power they wield! Look at what they can do!" He doesn't look at Kaidan, but he points at him. "Make you kill someone you love, for instance!"
It's very little warning, only a fraction of a second, but Shepard focuses her will as never before, pleading with her hand to point the gun down, away from Kaidan. She isn't able to regain control of the hand, to drop the gun, but it moves just enough. Enough that the shot takes him in the leg instead of the gut. Thrilled with this demonstration of the power he wields, the Illusive Man doesn't even notice.
Shepard feels like weeping, but she isn't in control of that, either. Words are the only protest she is allowed. "I see what they did to you."
"I took what I wanted from them! Made it my own!" Settling slightly, he tries a different tack. "This isn't about me or you. It's about things so much bigger than all of us." He gestures grandly to encompass the entire Citadel, perhaps even the entire galaxy.
"Shepard," Kaidan gasps. He is held upright in place by the control, unable to collapse as blood from his leg trickles towards the floor.
"Ignore him, Shepard," the Illusive Man interrupts. "The man who doubted you, who rejected you, while you worked to save humanity from the Collectors? After everything you'd done for the Alliance, he still wouldn't give you the support you deserved. He was wrong then, and he's wrong now."
Just a few months ago, these words would have hit the mark. But not now. Now, she is secure in the knowledge that Kaidan supports her. Trusts her. Loves her. "If we destroy the Reapers, this ends today. But if you can't control them..." Her eyes flicker to Kaidan. "And you couldn't control me. Not entirely. Not completely."
"But I can!" the Illusive Man protests, and Shepard can't tell if he is trying to convince her or himself now.
Seeing this weakness, Shepard does not let up. "Are you willing to bet humanity's existence on it?"
The Illusive Man clutches his head, beginning to crack under his own battle of will. "I know it will work."
"But you can't, can you?" Shepard presses her point home. "They won't let you do it."
"No!" The Illusive Man rallies. "I'm in control. No one is telling me what to do..."
"Listen to yourself," Kaidan interrupts. "Look at yourself. You're indoctrinated."
"No!" The Illusive Man says again, but his assurance is eroding. "The two of you, so self-righteous. Do you think power like this comes easy? There are sacrifices..."
"You've sacrificed too much." Shepard continues, feeling his control start to slip.
"Shepard, I..." The Illusive Man turns away from her and catches his reflection in the window. "I only wanted to protect humanity. The Crucible can control them. I know it can. I just..." His eyes trace over his reflected image. He runs a shaking hand over his neck, where the skin peels away to expose more circuitry.
Kaidan is quiet, unable to see what's happening but perhaps catching something in the Illusive Man's voice. Shepard's tone changes into something almost reassuring. "It's not too late. Let us go. We'll do the rest."
The Illusive Man spins back around, gripping his head again. "I... I can't do that Commander."
Now Kaidan speaks, frustration bubbling over. "Of course you can't. Why would they allow you to help the only person who has a chance to defeat them?"
The Illusive Man turns to Kaidan, but only to snatch his pistol away. His hands shake, then relax as he explains, "You can't beat them. Yet you'd undo everything I've accomplished. I won't let that happen."
Panic stabs at Shepard, but the very control that holds her helpless also holds her on her course. After all, there is no where else to go, nothing else she can do. She focuses on the one thing she can control. When she speaks, her voice is remarkably steady. "Because of you, humanity is already undone."
By contrast, the Illusive Man's voice becomes ragged and uncontrolled. "That's not true." He waves his hand wildly, as if unconscious of the weapon he holds.
"They have the Citadel," Shepard continues. "They've got us fighting each other instead of fighting them."
His last vestige of control slipping, the Illusive Man's tone dips towards pleading. "I just need to..."
Shepard doesn't give him a chance. "You've done exactly what the Reapers wanted. You're still doing it because they control you."
"I..." The Illusive Man waves the pistol again. "They're too strong."
"You're stronger." As his control slips, she sounds stronger, more certain. "Don't let them win. Break their hold." Sensing freedom ahead, the feeling in her voice hits like a physical weight as she finishes, "Don't let them control you!"
The Illusive Man straightens, eyes drawn to the gun in his hands. He slowly turns it over as if contemplating a work of art. "I tried, Shepard," he says, then tilts the pistol towards his own head and pulls the trigger.
Shepard's arm drops like lead as she regains control, and Kaidan falls to the ground, clutching his leg. Shepard only pauses to make sure he has the bleeding under control before she activates the control panel.
After only a moment at the panel the Citadel shifts and groans, the arms beginning to open. They glide smoothly apart, revealing a stunning view that Shepard is too tired and worn to appreciate. She studies it anyway, hoping to catch some sign of whatever it is the Crucible will do to the Reapers.
The floor jolts as the Crucible locks into place, and Shepard grabs onto the panel for support. Exhausted, she stays there, leaning on the control panel, waiting for... something to happen.
Nothing does. She activates her omni-tool and studies the panel. "Kaidan, did we miss something?"
Something scrambles on the floor behind her, but it isn't Kaidan.
"ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL."
Shepard whirls around, battered body protesting the movement. "You have got to be kidding!"
She searches out Kaidan, finds him rolling away from the Illusive Man's corpse, pistol recovered. "Talk about a bad case of déjà vu," he agrees, aiming the pistol at the shuddering body.
The corpse jerks, motions mechanical as it bends in unnatural ways to reach a standing position. Its eye implants glow dimly. The thundering, multi-toned voice that emerges doesn't originate in the body's throat. "SHEPARD."
"Harbinger," Shepard replies, as she and Kaidan both unload into the thing until they are forced to eject their thermal clips.
Their barrage doesn't seem to phase it any. They hit it, tearing gaping holes into the thing, but still it stands.
Shepard and Kaidan prepare for another round of fire, but their target makes no move to attack them. They are both raising their omni-tools to try to overload its implants when the thing speaks. "YOUR POINTLESS STRUGGLE SERVES NO PURPOSE. YOU HAVE LOST. YOU WILL SURRENDER WITHOUT FURTHER WASTE OF RESOURCES."
"'Waste of resources' meaning the Reapers we've taken out so far?" Shepard doesn't lower her omni-tool.
"WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE. YOUR PALTRY RESISTANCE ONLY DELAYS THE INEVITABLE."
"We'll take out more with the Crucible."
"THIS WEAPON IS BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING. YOU WILL DESTROY YOURSELVES."
Shepard frowns, tilting her omni-tool. Nothing happens to the body Harbinger possesses, but there is a quiet beep from the control panel behind her. "We built this thing. It's not beyond our understanding. And will we use it to destroy you."
"YOU ARE INSECTS COMPARED TO US. WE CANNOT BE STOPPED. YOUR DEFEAT IS INEVITABLE."
Shepard has to admit - though certainly not a Reapers - that she doesn't know how the Crucible is supposed to work. The Catalyst was supposed to take care of that, once they found it. "You're here, so you must be worried about something. I'm sure if I dig deep enough..."
"IT IS BEYOND WHAT YOUR PUNY MINDS CAN COMPREHEND. YOUR PATHETIC FUMBLING IN MATTERS ABOVE YOU ENDANGERS THIS GALAXY. YOUR STRUGGLE IS POINTLESS. THE CYCLE WILL CONTINUE."
"Not if the Crucible blows you all to hell, it won't." Shepard turns away, knowing Kaidan will watch her back while she hacks into the Citadel's systems with her omni-tool.
"STOP. YOUR WEAPON WILL FLOOD THIS GALAXY WITH DARK ENERGY. WE ARE YOUR SALVATION. YOUR DESTINY."
Shepard falters, but only for a moment. "If that's the only way to get rid of you."
"Shepard?" Kaidan asks uncertainly, but she signals for him to be quiet.
"YOU WOULD NOT DESTROY YOURSELVES. YOU DESIRE LIFE. YOU WILL JOIN US. WE ARE THE PINNACLE OF EVOLUTION."
Shepard takes a deep breath, considering. She convinced Saren and the Illusive Man to overcome their indoctrination. She persuaded the krogan to help the turians. She managed to get the quarians and the geth coexisting on Rannoch. Was she good enough to bluff a Reaper? "No, I don't think I will." She nods at her omni-tool. "Found it. I can activate the Crucible now."
One of the corpse's hands jerks, and the remaining skin flakes off to reveal more circuitry beneath. A light sweeps out and over the control panel, scanning. When Harbinger speaks again, Shepard can almost imagine there is something besides smug superiority behind that voice. "STOP. IN ACTIVATING THIS WEAPON YOU WILL DESTROY THIS GALAXY."
"I heard you the first time. But if you're going to destroy us anyway, we might as well take you with us."
The light continues to sweep over Shepard. "TEMPERATURE ELEVATED. PULSE RAPID. BODY IS TOO DAMAGED TO ACCURATELY DETECT DECEPTION."
Shepard hides her reaction to dodging a bullet she never even saw coming. Though she should have. "You don't think I'll do it? And why is that? Because it's not logical? Well, that's the problem with us inferior, messy, chaotic organics. We're just crazy and unpredictable enough to do it."
The light from the Illusive Man's body pulses brighter and it takes a lurching step towards the control panel. "YOU WILL NOT."
Shepard jerks her omni-tool forward threateningly. "I will. You can kill me. You can blow up the Citadel. Hell, you can take us all out... But not before I activate the Crucible."
The body grinds to a halt, but Shepard doesn't count a victory yet. She fears a look at Harbinger, or at Kaidan. She concentrates instead on her omni-tool, unconsciously mirroring the Illusive Man's last look at his pistol. "And that's what I'll do, unless you leave."
Her breath catches in her chest as she waits for Harbinger's reply. The silence continues, and her lungs start to burn, but she dares not move, dares not even breathe, as everything - literally everything - hinges on this.
"WE WILL BE BACK. YOUR BRIEF LIFESPAN IS NOTHING TO US. WE ARE INFINITE. THE CYCLE WILL CONTINUE." As the glow starts to fade from the Illusive Man's eyes, his body slumps to the ground. "RELINQUISHING CONTROL. WE WILL RETURN."
"And we," Shepard smothers a cough as she finally takes a breath, "will be ready."
There is a long silence in the observation room while they try to process. Kaidan shakily pulls himself to his feet and limps over to Shepard. "How much time do you think that bought us?"
"One of our pitiful life spans, I suppose?" Shepard offers, though she knows it isn't answer enough. "I don't know, Kaidan. But it will be enough. We'll be ready for them. Look at how far we've come in, just the past few years."
"We have come a long way." Kaidan nods reluctantly. "Shepard, did you really find the program? Did you…" He falters, takes a breath, and then his question comes out in a rush. "You wouldn't really do it, would you?"
"I did find the program." She wishes to leave it there, but there is no escape from that steady gaze. "That was never the plan. But for a moment there... I actually believed it myself."
He lets out his breath in a rush as bewilderment, disbelief and sadness fight for dominance in his expression. He shakes them all off and carefully pulls her away from the panel, into his arms. "No offense, but I think you're a little too convincing."
Shepard lets herself relax into his embrace. It aggravates her injuries but she doesn't even think of complaining. "Well then, I won't try to convince you otherwise."
She can feel Kaidan's chuckle vibrate through his chest, and doesn't mind if the source is more relief than humor. She pushes back just far enough to meet his eyes, lips twitching. Then exhaustion catches up and they both sink to the floor. Angling towards the nearest window, they lean together and watch the Reapers withdraw.
"This really is an amazing view," Kaidan says.
If Shepard couldn't see it before, she certainly does now. Watching the Reapers fly away from Earth is surely one of the sweetest sights she's ever seen. "You can say that again."