One sure-fire way to make me turn to fan fiction: break up a favorite couple in a heart-wrenchingly beautiful but ultimately unsatisfying way. Berkley said in 'Exes' that he and Jess cried it out for days and Nick just looked at him like he was nuts. Somehow, I feel like Nick's about to see how not-nuts that is. Also, two moments in the hallway at the end of this episode just killed me: the hug (obviously) and the gesture from which I take the title of this story. It all just hit too close to home.
It was meant to be a casual gesture, off the cuff; it felt disgustingly significant on her hands, though. Luckily, Jess had been at her doorway by then and could slip in without acknowledging her carelessness, then the intense hug they had shared when she returned to the hallway erased anything else from her mind. Now, laying in their bed next to him, that disturbing feeling of deja vu had settled in again.
The look on Nick's face when she had shot the finger guns at him from the limo had made her think there could never be a more crushing time to use that particular gesture. Now, realizing that she had punctuated their last moment as a couple with the same movement she had made when he had first said he loved her compounded the mistake. What's worse was, she knew she needed to grieve what they were losing, but the break-up was so haunted by their relationship - the ghost of their first kiss, the night they said I love you - that the Nick laying beside her still felt more like boyfriend-Nick than friend-Nick.
Jess rolled over and with a jolt realized that Nick happened to have on the same shirt he had once worn under a ladies' trench coat. What were the chances? she thought to herself. Then again, maybe higher than one would imagine; Nick hardly owned an overflowing wardrobe. A sob escaped from her chest, then. Jess tried to stifle her tears, reminding herself that she was in the awkward position of sharing a bed with her very recent ex, but Nick had clearly heard. Though he pretended to be asleep, she could see the pain wash across his face at the sound.
"Nick?" she ventured. Her voice sounded raw.
One of his eyes cracked open as he replied, his own voice unsteady, "What's up, Jess?"
"I need my friend right now." The weight of the realization was heavy. They had both said they missed their friendship, but the declaration had been easier made than put into effect. At what point could they stop being them and just be friends again? Jess forged ahead: "I know that this is uncomfortable, and too soon, and too raw-" another sob "-but I just broke up with my boyfriend and he might have been the love of my life-" the tears flowed freely now and she hiccuped through the rest of her rambling "-so I need you not to be that boyfriend right now; I need to be able to cry to my friend."
Nick rolled towards her and put a consoling hand on her arm, but the space between them still felt cavernous. "The problem is, Jess, I just had my own heart broken. I don't know that I'm up for doling out much comfort." With the moonlight now lighting his face, she could see that he, too, had been crying. Tears covered his eyes and cheeks, but in typical Nick fashion, he backtracked from expressing too many feelings. "Not really up for dancing to Taylor Swift right now," he said, laughing with little mirth.
The image that came to mind of Nick jumping up and down in the living room after her last break-up gave Jess the answer she needed. That night, they had already moved past the realm of friends and still, he had been able to comfort her without romantic interference. That was proof enough that they would be able to support one another as friends even as echoes of their relationship surrounded them.
"I think what we could both use is a hug," she said, "Would that be too awkward right now?"
The hand on her arm pulled her into his chest almost immediately, and just as suddenly, she found herself sobbing and clutching him as tightly as she had in the hallway just an hour before. His tears wet the top of her head and their bodies shook together, an awful pantomime of what this bed had been witness to so many times over the past several months. Jess felt her heart break all over again as proof of her friend's pain overwhelmed her senses.
"It's going to be okay," she said, feeling some strength come back into her voice, "You're going to make it through this, Nick." Jess stroked his hair and his back, repeating that mantra until her own pain became overwhelming and her sobs prevented further speech. Then Nick took over, letting her know that she would be fine, telling her she was better off without that loser holding her back. She wanted to laugh, but she knew he didn't mean it as a joke. This was Nick-the-friend's honest estimation of her relationship with Nick-the-boyfriend.
They traded words of comfort for what felt like hours until exhaustion overtook them. Before she drifted off, Jess heard Nick whisper one last time, "I love you, Jessica."
"I love you too, Nick Miller." The finger guns were holstered.
Written so quickly I feel like it could have been better developed as a concept, but at the same time, writing raw helped me tap into how this moment would feel.