Long Slow Slide #1: Divinity

Elliot

Twenty years of marriage down the tubes.

All on a damn piece of paper.

I wish I could tell you all the reasons, but in the end, it wouldn't make a difference. You know just as well as I the reasons why my marriage fell apart. I know you.

You've asked out of sympathy, to try and clear the air. And I have shut you out because I didn't want you trying to fix it…fix me.

Then I pushed you too far.

Then I got you back just so you can go further.

Half way across the damn country.

Hasn't it occurred to you that with every breath I take…every word said…I fall deeper in love with you?

I don't know, maybe it has.

But you're over a thousand miles away trying to save the world, (as usual) and probably too busy with those Save the Planet nuts to even give me a second thought, so it probably hasn't. You're good at that, you know? You're good at distracting yourself and overlooking things that are right in front of your damn beautiful eyes.

But you're also good at avoiding. That's what you're best at, and we have that in common, don't we?

I've gotten to the point where I can't avoid you, I can't look away from you, and I definitely can't separate myself, my thoughts from you.

God, I wish that she could sense my thoughts right now as I look out over the Hudson. I'm even willing to go thirty minutes out of my way just to have a quiet place to think about her.

I'd do anything for you, and while you know that, you don't know that. It's more than just covering your ass on the job…it's everything; if there's a guy that hurt you or mistreated you, I'd gladly give him a kick in the balls…if you're having nightmares and can't sleep, I will stay up all night with you until you go to sleep.

I would if you'd let me. I know I've been a bastard to you…so you wouldn't want me to, but if you did I would. Hell, I'd probably convince you even if you didn't want me to. I'd stay when I'm not wanted by you.

You're a sin worth committing Olivia. I would gladly give my life for you.

God help me, I love her.

I'm in love with Olivia, and she's in Oregon with Star (bad omen). How damned convenient.

I keep turn it over in my mind. I don't know if this is something that was supposed to happen. I know that love hurts, but this is ridiculous.

Damn near unbearable.

The Hudson is eerily calm tonight, and I wonder what you think about the ocean out west.

I'm in love with you, and it wasn't supposed to happen. I spent seven years trying to close everything up inside me, avoiding…the fact that my heart was made for yours. I don't blame you because you can't help the kind of soul you have.

I couldn't help that I was partnered with you seven years ago.

Maybe I could.

What's done is done, and I pray to God that what I'm feeling is…something I can hold on to.

How is it that everyone else gets a little piece of you and I can't?

There isn't even a hint of you at your desk anymore. Beck has sucked all of the air from the unit, and I wish you were here to play moderator between Casey and Beck. Although I'd pay real money to see Casey and Beck have a cat fight. It'd be a long time coming.

But Liv, you were the oxygen in this place. You make the squad room come alive.

I wish I could get into your apartment with my key…I know you're probably thinking about all the dust that's settled in by now. I'm glad you're not here to see your desk.

Although I'd pay money to see your face too.

Nah, you'd have my ass, so I'll try and clean it up for you, okay?

I just want you back.

I want to smell your shampoo when you walk by, I want to lean over your shoulder so close that it feels like lightning is going to strike any moment between us.

I know you felt it too, Olivia.

I want to look into your eyes.

I want to hug you.

I want you.

Olivia

The stars are beautiful out here in Oregon. I wonder if you know that.

Well, you probably haven't thought about the stars. Who am I kidding? I'm being such a girl right now.

The stars are the only thing Oregon's got on Manhattan. Otherwise, it sucks. I miss my creature comforts.

By now, I'm sure it's painfully obvious to you that things are starting to fall into place…the dust on my desk, the wilting flowers sitting on my kitchen table, the fact that when I come back, things will never be the same between us.

If you think I didn't sense it, I did.

The Gitano thing wasn't when I first realized. It was months before that, you know. Woman's intuition, I guess. We're different now, can't you see that?

Redwoods are simply amazing.

Okay, another thing Oregon has on Manhattan, but I miss my toe nail polish and Foldger's coffee brewing when I wake up. Mm…can you just imagine me? That first morning back in my apartment, waking up in my plush bed with my satin covers draped around me and inhaling that semi-sweet smell of some damn good coffee?

I suppose you're a bit bitter that I'm gone again…sometimes, when I'm angry or frustrated, I like to think that you are too at that moment. It's not that astronomical…I mean, I get irritated at the same things you do now.

I've learned from you; gleaned your short temper.

The wind is blowing through my hotel window and I can smell the pine and leaves and wood.

I've never been one to believe in religion, or mystics, or even those stupid horoscope scrolls at the Bodega around the corner. But looking up at the stars, makes me pray silently because there's nothing else better here to do but think of you and hope that you're okay. 'Cause partners do that, you know?

Whether you know it or not, I worry about you. I worry about your kids and Kathy.

At one time, I was jealous of you. You had everything I wanted in my life. And when I saw you throwing it away, of course I became concerned and even pissed at times.

But what a hypocrite I am.

Sometimes I think that God takes away people I love just to punish me for something…I don't know what.

Or maybe I'm supposed to be this far away from you and the guys.

'Cause you know what they say about absence, don't you?

Of course you do. Makes the heart grow fonder.

But we both know that's a bunch of bull. Absence has only made my heart tear into a million little pieces in a damn dark room and now I have to crawl on all fours like some pathetic…whatever and put them back together again and somehow find what I'm searching for.

No, I'm more than just fond, Elliot.

Sometime last year, I think it was during that case…Shankel. When you went undercover, you remember? Stupid question. I know you'll remember that for years to come.

Seeing you like that…how strong and determined you were…it made me realize that I…

I don't know if you noticed that I took that blue shirt that you ripped during your fight with Blaine, but I did. I just took it, as easily as it was to take a pen or a paperclip from your desk. I sewed it up, planned on giving it back to you, but…

Pine. Leaves. Wood. You.

All of it together calms me. Actually, more the scent of you, but together it smells like a scented candle lit on a rainy day. Makes me feel good.

A tear drops on my hand.

Damn it, Elliot.

I'm such a hypocrite. I wanted you to work your marriage out…but I also wanted you.

Then just like that, you tell me Kathy left you and took your kids with her, and part of me wanted to hate her, but another part of me agreed with her decision because I wanted to hate you.

It hurts, you know that? It hurts me when you don't open up to me. It makes me think that my seven years with you has meant nothing. That all the times I opened up to you even if I didn't want to was for naught.

What am I to you, Stabler?

I'm more than just some dumping ground for all your anger, and right now I hope that you're hurting just as bad as I am because I miss you so damn much.

Please, God. Please listen…for one night, can you just ease my pain? Take away the pain of this love that I feel for this man? Love isn't supposed to be painful, is it? The whole "Love is patient, love is kind…" thing. Where does that come in because I could really use some patience and kindness right now.

You've seen me cry before. But not like this.

I can't get emotional, but nighttime is my time to feel whatever I want to feel. I'm not Persephone James right now, I'm Olivia Bernice Benson damn it, and this is me, crying for you, Elliot.