Author's note: Fanfiction is allergic to links and file names. I did my best to get around it, but I'm not sure how bad it looks. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Report

Date filed: 12/26/13, 3:35am.

Real name: [Redacted]

Code name: "Kyon"

Merry fricking Christmas.I can't believe how quickly things go to hell. Right now... Right now, I have no clue where I am, just that I'm relatively safe. Not that anywhere is truly safe, but she can't seem to find us here.

Koizumi - god, it's painful - he has been in that infernal closed space for over an hour. I'm starting to think he won't ever come out. Yuki just nods a fraction of an inch each time I ask her if he's still alive.

Speaking of Yuki, she was doing some odd things, even for her level of oddity. She has already given me three boxes.

I've only opened one of them. It contains pills. She said they were called "Soldier Pills" in a manga she had picked up. I haven't taken any yet. The other two boxes are different shapes, but... I'm not really interested.

God dammit.

Okay, this is supposed to be a record of events. I need to start at the beginning. At least, the beginning of this particular event.

Besides, Mikuru has pretty much said this was an apocalyptic scenario, so if anyone survives, it would be good to leave information behind.

Predictably, if you read Yuki's works - all under a pseudonym of course - you can guess that it's Haruhi's fault. And you'd be correct. But this time, I have a decent share in the blame.

Anyway, it all started yesterday after school.

File insert: 0073 mov

/ File transcript

/ input start

" - it on? Good. Now, the brigade Christmas party can begin!" Suzumiya sits back in her chair and folds her hands over her chest.

Kyon glances at the camera. "Why are you recording this?"

"We need to keep better records of our goings on, don't you think? We can use it to update the website!"

Kyon shakes his head and slumps his head down onto the table.

Koizumi smiles slightly. "So, what was the goal of this meeting, Miss Suzumiya? I assume we are exchanging the gifts we bought for each other?"

Suzumiya nods. "Why else would I call a brigade meeting on Christmas day?"

Kyon, being close to the camera, can be heard muttering "Because you wanted to?"

If Suzumiya hears, she gives no sign. "Anyway. Let's start with the gifts Mikuru is giving out."

The girl in question, no longer actually a classmate at Kyon's school, jumps in here seat before stuttering out "R-Right!" The still dainty girl (but looking much more like adult Asahina) passes out four gifts, one to each brigade member.

Suzumiya tears into her one without hesitation. "I didn't know you could sew!" the exuberant girl exclaims as she holds up a scarf.

Asahina blushes as Kyon, Yuki and Koizumi all open up their scarfs as well. Suzumiya's is bright red, Nagato's is a deep purple, Koizumi's is green, and Kyon is unintentionally hiding his scarf from view.

Asahina pulls out another scarf, colored pink. "I figured that if we all have matching scarves, we can feel closer together!" the young woman's smile falters. "I-I'm sorry I can't see you more often. College is really hard-"

Suzumiya glomps onto Asahina. "We know, Mikuru! But you do have to take breaks, or else you'll become overworked!" Suzumiya looks over at Kyon. "I see he gets a patterned one?"

Asahina blushes even deeper. "I made his before I realized if they all have patterns I'd never get them done before Christmas!"

Suzumiya seems satisfied with that answer. "Koizumi, how about you next?"

Koizumi continues with his small smile. "Gladly. Let's see, Miss Suzumiya's, Kyon's, Miss Asahina's and Miss Nagato's." He hands out a gift to each recipient as he says their names.

Once again, since Kyon has his back to the camera, his gift cannot be seen. However, Nagato receives a book, Suzumiya receives a magnifying glass (Kyon visibly shudders upon seeing that) and Asahina gets a book on origami.

"Oh! I always wanted to le

/ input ceased

/ Sleep mode engaged

/ Sleep mode disengaged

/ Sleep mode was on for 2 hr, 35 min, 2 sec

/ Insert note: Koizumi's back. I had to- well, I'll write it after I'm done transcribing.

/ input resumed

"Oh! I always wanted to learn how to do this!" Asahina starts flipping through the pages of her book.

Suzumiya regards her present thoughtfully. "I can't believe I never thought to get myself one of these. Thanks Koizumi!"

Koizumi just waves his hand.

Nagato looks into Koizumi's eyes and whispers "Thanks."

Koizumi nods.

"Alright. Yuki's turn!" Haruhi exclaims.

Nagato stands up and places a small wrapped thing the size of a credit card. The camera fails to catch any significant detail until Kyon raises his card up into the light.

"Wow. Is this a credit card?"

Nagato hesitates, then nods. "Among other functions, it will allow you to draw funds from an ATM."

Even from behind, it is evident that Kyon is grinning.

Koizumi raises an eyebrow, but nothing else.

"Alright. Um, thanks, Yuki. I'm not really sure what to say. Anyway, my gifts next!"

Suzumiya passes out four small packages. Each one contains a framed picture of the SOS Brigade members during what Nagato calls incident #305.

"Thanks, Haruhi." Kyon takes the picture and gazes at it.

"Now, since I saved the best for last-"

"Hold up!" Kyon protests. "Saving the best for last would mean making me go first. You know I suck at this!"

Suzumiya walks over and leans down, giving both Kyon and the camera a decent view of her cleavage. it should be noted Suzumiya was wearing a "Sexy Mrs. Claus" costume. "I have faith in you Kyon!" she says cheerily.

"G-great. Um, well, here." he hands something to Haruhi, carefully keeping his eyes on her face. "Here's yours, Miss Asahina, and Koizumi. And... Yuki's."

Asahina opens hers first. "Erm... What is it?"

Kyon sighs. "It's a walkie-talkie with a headset. It should make coordinating brigade activities easier. I added some custom details to everybody's units so it'd be, um, more personal."

Suzumiya looks pleased. "Great! Everyone is free tomorrow, right? We'll meet up at the train station and we'll try out Mikuru's scarf's and Kyon's things tomorrow. Until then, let's get started!"

Suzumiya walks over to the camera and reaches over it-

/ Transcript ends

Huh. I forgot that we didn't record the hallway as well. That video was useless.

Anyway, Koizumi's in pretty bad shape. I'm just glad Mikuru's going to nursing school, and can treat him properly. It not like any other hospital could deal with his level of injuries right now, what with all the really bad cases out there.

Damn.

Anyway. I had to get Koizumi from the closed space. One of the Celestials had almost gotten him, but... Well, Yuki's other two gifts were a gun and an augmented reality chip. Seriously. The gun fires both compressed energies like Koizumi is his red ball of light form and regular bullets. Somehow, I never need to reload it, according to Yuki, but it will overheat if over fired. The augmented reality - Er, I'll attach the handbook Yuki gave me.

The AR chip thing kinda itches. I'll try and get Yuki to fix that.

Anyway, if I don't go to sleep now, I may not get to for a long time. So, that the end of this first report.

File insert: SOSB_paintball163 jpg

Description: the five SOS Brigade members stand in a line in front of a forest, covered in paint from head to toe. Everyone is smiling. Koizumi and Mikuru stand back to back, posing like action heroes. Yuki stands with her paintball gun pointed slightly downwards looking straight at the camera, obviously the least painted, but not by much. All that can be seen expression wise is a slight upwards twitch of the lip, which, for Yuki, is huge. Haruhi and I stand looking tired and supporting each other. Haruhi's top is plastered to her skin by the sheer amount of paint on it, just like mine.

Written on the back, in Yuki's precise handwriting, is the number 305.

File insert: ARHandbook txt

The Augmented Reality chip is designed to mimic Mikuru Asahina's own Augmented Reality interface without the time travel functions. Instead, it provides you with targeting information, health status, as well as marking down any enemies. It can also access the Internet from anywhere the Integrated Data Sentience Entity can be reached, and thus, I can be reached. It will automatically adjust clocks after time travel, so you never lose the date or time. Alarms can be programmed in. It has a texting interface. The lack of direct voice communication is made up your Christmas present. I will need to implant it into your skull before it can be useful. The pistol included in the other box converts ambient energy into either a solid titanium projectile which is then fired at supersonic speeds, or into a concentrated plasma blast similar to Itsuki Koizumi's. I will instruct you on it's se further when opportunity arises. The credit card I issued you serves also as a tracking beacon, has a razor edge, and can be used to manipulate the projections of your AR system, such as a map.

-Yuki

File insert: 00238 jpg

Description: Haruhi in her Mrs. Claus outfit and me with a pair of cloth antlers sitting at my dinner table, eating Christmas dinner. Both of our faces are red with embarrassment, since it was my own mother taking the photo. I still don't know why she showed up in that of all things. Anyway. Not sure why I included this photo in the report. Just... Felt like it.