::out of the blue it strikes you
what's left to catch but the fear of letting go?::
The minute Matt realizes that he could leave and no one would notice, he starts to rearrange his life. He starts mapping out roads and making decisions in his head. It's as if, with that one revelation, he can finally actually feel all of the weight that's been on his shoulders for the past few months.
He's tired.
He's tired of fending for himself in a town that holds too many bad memories.
He's tired of paying the bills for a house he hates coming home to every night.
::wind is blowing through closed doors
with shadows dancing in the halls::
It used to be that he'd walk in and see Vicki at the kitchen table, or lounging on the couch, and the feeling would recede a bit. Enough. Even those times when he'd come home and Vicki wasn't there, he knew that he'd see her eventually, and that made it worth it. He would look at the kitchen floor, and remember how they would both spread out coloring sheets and switch back and forth between the ones they wanted to decorate, while their mother cooked (when she was an actual mother back then) and ask how their little days went. He'd remember a few years later, sitting Vicki on the stool in the same kitchen, and blowing on her skinned knee after dabbing it with peroxide. Making her giggle and wiping away her tears, while they both ignored the knowledge that their mother was passed out in her bedroom. But now Vicki is gone. Really gone. Dead and buried, in a real grave this time with a tombstone, and Matt has lost his only reason to come home everyday.
oooOooo
::our time has slipped away,
we're sinking faster, faster no more play::
He watches the world go on around him.
He sees people hanging out, getting invited places, and passing him over. Everybody has somebody; he watches Caroline invite Bonnie and Elena to go out for dinner and a movie. He watches Elena and Stefan cuddle. He watches Stefan and Damon bicker. He watches Elena and Jeremy interact, sees that uncanny ability they've always had, that ability to say so much, share so much, just by keeping a moments eye contact. He watches Tyler drift towards Jeremy.
This one hurts the most.
::and bite down::
Even though that whole thing went down with his mother, and he and Tyler got into a brawl, they are supposed to be brothers. Best friends before he can even remember, he can't remember Tyler not ever being there. They were supposed to fight, not speak for a few days, and then have it all blow over. But instead, Tyler is always with Jeremy. Always.
Matt knows that no one else has caught on, but he knows that Tyler and Jeremy are together together, like how Stefan and Elena are together. And they're just as intense. Tyler doesn't know that Matt knows. He and Jeremy both think they've got everyone fooled and they're mostly right.
Seeing them together makes the bile rise up in the back of Matt's throat. He's partially to blame for that union. Weeks before the brawl that night, Matt had an inkling that Tyler felt a certain way towards Jeremy. But that's always been the pattern; he knows how Tyler feels even before Tyler does, but that's mainly because Tyler is so repressed emotionally-wise, it still astounds Matt sometimes even after all these years. He'd hinted at it. Not explicitly of course, but he had let Tyler know that no judgement would come from his end. Suggested that he and Jeremy burry the proverbial hatchet and make peace; get to know each other, that they probably had a lot in common.
Matt liked Jeremy. Liked. He saw him as a little brother; he protected him as often as he could, made sure he made the right choices... But now... Now Matt hates Jeremy.
::let hate save you, when, nothing else will::
Matt wishes he had never pushed them together- wishes that he hadn't suggested getting along, and instead let them beat the crap out of each other, never giving it enough rest to let their strong emotions manifest in a different manner.
(It's selfish yes, but Matt is tired of being selfless. He's never once lived for himself, and he's not even eighteen yet.)
::for once, lets leave the dreaming to someone else::
But Matt can't change the past. As much as he wishes he could, he can't. He can only make sure his future is going to be what he wants it to be.
He can admit it hurts; being forgotten in a town where he thought he fit in. He always figured his actual family is so fucked up but that it would be alright, because he has the friends he's grown up with and that's his family, but he sees now that he was wrong.
The second Matt realizes that he could up and leave Mystic Falls and even his best friend would hardly bat an eyelid, is the second Matt decides that he will leave. He's tired of hurting. He's tired of wishing and hoping that things will get better. Matt has realized that once you are forgotten, no one wants to remember you.
::and all at once it leaves you breathless,
with next to nothing, but open hands::
oooOooo
He's been saving up.
::for once don't be so weak,
back up the feelings that you claim now::
He's been skipping school, and working extra hours at the Grill. He's stopped paying the bills for anything thats not water or select electricity bills.
He's not sure where he will go.
::fall deeper into a world, that you can't explain::
Probably another small town; even if he hates the place he's in now, he likes the community a small town provides. He doesn't like the hustle and bustle of the city, unlike his mother and probably, if she were still alive, Vicki. He doesn't like constant activity and places where the last thing night means is rest. He still wants to be in small town, he just wants to feel like he belongs.
He's leaving soon and he's not telling anyone. He's waiting until he finishes finals and gets his diploma.
He's not walking.
::we've all made better moves despite the slowing of our feet::
He doesn't feel like getting all dressed up in a suit and tie, and don that robe, only to receive his certificate, and look into the crowd and see no one. Most of his bags are packed and he's been under the hood of his car to make sure everything is up to speed, because once he starts driving he doesn't plan on stopping for a long while.
Matt knows most of his plan is ill conceived, not thought through as throughly as it should be, but he doesn't care. He rather be out of Mystic Falls with his destiny blurry than not, and his future concrete, unhappiness guaranteed.
oooOooo
The day before finals, he's at his locker when Tyler walks up to him.
"Hey man," Tyler says, leaning against the cold metal.
Matt nods at him. They haven't spoken much. They don't have much to talk about nowadays. Every conversation feels like its been had before - a scratched CD on a loop.
Matt tries to remember the last time they hung out, or he has been invited somewhere, but the more he thinks about that he realizes that he's never really been invited. He'd hear about get-togethers, ask Tyler about it, and Tyler wouldn't object to him tagging along ('I wouldn't mind it if you came.')
Matt used to think this was just familiarity; that he was automatically included therefore no one asked, but then he realized that for a while Tyler hasn't been too keen when Matt does come along, and more often than not, when Matt asks Tyler what he got up to that day he mentions that the gang hung out. His nonchalant manner stings so much Matt has stopped asking. Elena invited him to hang out with them recently, and as a test (or just to drive himself crazy, Matt believes now) he mentioned to Tyler that he probably wouldn't go - with Stefan there it would no doubt prove to be awkward. Tyler's response of 'Then don't go?' (no 'don't worry about it' or 'not even, it'll be fine') and his slight relief made it clear that at least one person didn't want him there.
That was the last test.
There is a tense silence, and Matt hates it. There shouldn't be any tension between them.
"Figured out what you're gonna do after graduation?"
Matt shrugs. He doesn't mean to say anything but he finds himself speaking anyway. Maybe just to see if Tyler will try to stop him.
"I don't know. Maybe just get in the car and drive."
Tyler doesn't even hesitate before he says, "Yeah? Have fun."
Something in Matt shuts down (it feels like the last thing), even as he asks, careful to keep his voice nuetral, "Yeah?"
::reach out, hold on tight,
i know it hurts but keep trying::
"Yeah, go." Tyler smiles at him, but it's a distracted smile. A half smile. Already forgotten. "Hey, man, I gotta go, but you'll be at my party tomorrow night? After finals?"
Matt nods, even as he tries to fight the coldness that is breaching his chest. Tyler slaps him on the arm as he walks around him, and Matt closes his locker to walk in the opposite direction.
He tells himself he didn't want Tyler to try and stop him anyway.
::and bite down::
oooOooo
::the mood is let down,
let it play for the last time,
take this last second to know who's walking out::
Finals are over. His bags are packed, in the back seat and trunk of his car.
He drives past Tyler's house, huge and bright, pounding with music on his way out of town.
oooOooo
::and with your luck,
this won't be over quick::
He drives for hours without stopping and is dismayed at the heavy feeling that is still in his chest. Shouldn't the weight be getting less and less the further away he gets?
oooOooo
When he finally stops, he asks the man at the the motel desk what state he's in. Georgia. He pays for the key, makes sure his car is locked up tight, and makes a beeline for the shower. Afterwards he collapses on the old bed - for once the world works with him and allows him to drop asleep quickly.
oooOooo
He decides to stop here because it reminds him of Mystic Falls. Kingsport, Tennessee is full of smiling faces, and homes that scream character. There's also a huge church and Matt likes that. He needs to believe in something that isn't of this Earth. Something, someone who won't let him down. He's heard that God knows how many hairs are on your head, and knew your name before you were even an inkling of a thought.
Doesn't sound like someone who will forget him anytime soon.
::tailored sheets, to fit this dirty bed,
for once this dirt won't come all off
I can't be pushed aside::