Episode 305: Frustration Roars! Hitsugaya, Away from the Hot Springs Inn!
By: Le tired
Rated: T.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or its characters, blah blah blah, etc.
Author's Notes: Just a fun light-hearted little piece I wrote while taking a break from my other more serious (and depressingly long) HitsuMatsu fic. It's basically what I thought could potentially be going on behind the scenes in episode 305, the infamous hot springs episode featuring Hisagi and Matsumoto—I'm like a conspiracy theorist, but instead of aliens or government secrets, I see HitsuMatsu everywhere. The episode itself, I have to say, was just terrible in terms of plot and reasoning; it made my brain hurt. I get that they wanted a comedic hot springs episode but man, the premise was awful—THREE lieutenants for this mission (and then one of them doesn't even show up for the remainder of the episode, Isane where did you goooo), and the weirdass hot guy-chasing Hollow can transform and is smart enough to pose as an innkeeper, but as soon as the gig is up, it just roars and runs around and shows no intelligence whatsoever?
…yeah, so anyway, take away message here: if you haven't seen this episode, the fic will probably make no sense… because it's based on a silly filler episode that also makes no sense. But it's still fun to watch if you love zany Matsumoto and clueless Hisagi (who, by the way, is another favorite character of mine, so I'm not trying to diss on ShuuRan or anything here—it's just that the episode's whole schtick was kinda about how he was never on her radar).
Lastly, this fic is a little different from my other two more emotionally-charged ones where I write out the characters' internal thoughts and feelings. I tried to keep that to a minimum here, though I wasn't wholly successful and it's still coming from Toshirou's POV, because I wanted a story largely carried by dialogue. More showing, less telling. So it reads a little different, but I'm ultimately happy with it and the change of pace. Hopefully, you enjoy it as well! Thanks for reading!
Episode 305: Frustration Roars! Hitsugaya, Away from the Hot Springs Inn!
The shrill ring of the tenth division headquarters' telephone echoed insistently through the large room and bounced off its lacquered wooden walls. Captain Hitsugaya Toshirou quickly answered it, though his eyes continued to scan down the most recent field report on his desk. "Hello?"
"Hello, taichou! Did you miss me? I wanted to let you know that as the beautiful and capable leader of this mission, I've got everything completely under control! It's all progressing smoothly!"
"Matsumoto? What is it?" He'd dispatched his lieutenant and her team in the morning to investigate some mysterious disappearances in one of the Rukongai districts under his jurisdiction. Nothing in the preliminary scout reports had indicated that there might be a more sinister force at work beyond a decently powerful Hollow. At the same time, there wasn't much else to go on in those papers, so he'd erred on the side of caution and assigned the fourth division lieutenant and a medical team to back Matsumoto up, and then she'd requested ninth division lieutenant and acting captain Hisagi Shuuhei as well, so he was having trouble seeing why Matsumoto thought he needed to be involved. "Have you found the reason behind the disappearances in the area?"
"Not at all, but I've really been enjoying the scenery! The area we're investigating is really pretty, taichou! They've got fields of flowers—they looked like daffodils! Isn't that such a neat coincidence, taichou? Next time, when we have some time off, let's come out here together!"
"I'm busy. Call when you have something concrete. Better yet, just write it in your report." He moved to hang up the phone, but Matsumoto's bright voice continued to blare annoyingly through the receiver.
"Eehhh? That's no fun, taichou! Hey, aren't you worried at all about how I'm going to spend the night?"
"The medical team should also be bringing overnight camping equipment. You know that." He eyed the stack of unread papers pushed to one corner of his desk. It was significantly shorter than the stack of papers marked as completed on the opposing side of his desk, but still not decreased in quantity as much as he would like, especially since Matsumoto's share had to be added to it now that she was on this mission.
"Yes, but sleeping outside is so rough on my body, taichou! There's pebbles on the ground that poke my breasts when I'm lying down, or else, dirt and mud that ends up in my cleavage…"
"I don't need to hear this!" It was getting late—he had maybe three or four more hours to get as much done as possible, and Matsumoto's pointless call was getting in the way. He cradled the phone with his shoulder so he could continue with his hands free. He signed off on the current report, and began reaching for the next one on top of his stack.
"…besides, Isane's team isn't here yet. You see, I secretly told Isane to go ahead and wait until tomorrow to come out after us."
Toshirou froze, his hand still stretched out over his column of papers. "What?"
"I told Isane to wait, so the medical team won't be joining us tonight," Matsumoto repeated patiently, as if he was a mentally disabled child struggling with his alphabets. "Trust me, Hitsugaya-taichou, my plan will work better if it's just me and Shuuhei alone like this. And after all, it's my prerogative as leader to direct the team as I see fit, isn't it, taichou?"
"I told you, there's no leader for this mission!" He realized he was clenching the phone and forced himself to relax his grip. "What are you trying to pull, Matsumoto?!"
"Well, it's like I told you, taichou, all the disappearances have been good-looking men. I think there's a way higher chance of the enemy revealing itself if we present it with a good opportunity—just me and Shuuhei, not a whole squad of people."
So that was why she'd requested Hisagi. She wanted to use him as bait. …Wait. That meant, even after he'd dismissed her ridiculous theory, she'd gone ahead and made preparations based on it anyway. "Matsumoto…"
"Don't worry, taichou! It's only one day, and then the medical team will rendezvous with us again. Just give me a little time to look around. I have a good feeling about this, really! I won't let you down, I promise!"
"…" Well, there wasn't much he could do about it now. And he'd asked Hisagi to keep an eye on Matsumoto. They should be fine, if it was for one day. "And Hisagi supports your decision?"
"Ah, well, he doesn't know about it."
"WHAT?"
"You know what they say, taichou. 'If you want to deceive your enemy, first deceive your ally'."
"That's too disrespectful of Hisagi, Matsumoto! You know how busy he is running the ninth division, and he took on this mission as a favor to you. He deserves to know."
"Well, this could all have been avoided if you'd agreed to come along like I asked in the first place, taichou."
"This mission doesn't warrant a captain-class Shinigami. You don't need my help to defeat an average Hollow, even if it's shown some cleverness at avoiding detection."
"Well, no, not for fighting. But for luring out the culprit, you're a pretty hot guy yourself, you know, taichou. I mean, you're a little younger, but your looks are of even higher quality than those other guys. There's no way the enemy would be able to resist trying to gobble you up!"
Wow. WOW. Never mind Hisagi…she wanted to use him as bait? Him. Her captain. The sheer insubordination… "THAT'S why you kept on complaining about me not going?! And I was actually starting to—" He clamped his mouth shut. There was no way he was going to say he'd started to worry that Matsumoto was actually somehow nervous or feeling inadequate about going alone on the mission—the way she'd whined and pestered him to join her in personally investigating the area. It was another reason why he'd gone ahead and made provisions for backup with the fourth division, even though he felt Matsumoto should have been capable of handling it on her own.
His mistake. He'd have to go and convey his apologies to Unohana later for wasting the time of her subordinates.
"It's for the good of the citizens of Rukongai, taichou!" Matsumoto was continuing breezily through the receiver. "You shouldn't be so shy. After I sent in those photos of you for the Seireitei Communication, just about everyone in Soul Society has seen how dreamy you are anyway."
"That's not the point! Hollows devour souls based on spiritual energy and general availability, not physical appearance!"
"So maybe it's not a Hollow. Maybe it's like a serial killer or something. You should keep an open mind, taichou. Be more creative, something like that."
"…" They needed new communication devices. Ones that allowed him to reach through the line and shake her. His hands were literally twitching in anger. And then a new thought occurred to him. If the medical team, which had also been responsible for communication devices, wasn't with them, then… "How are you calling me right now?"
"Oh, I didn't tell you, taichou? We're at this inn, and the proprietress is letting me use the phone while she shows Shuuhei around. We're going to spend the night here together. Aren't we lucky, taichou? It's so much better than camping, right?"
"An inn?" He tried to recall if he'd seen reports of an inn in the vicinity of their targeted area. He didn't think so. Or maybe there'd been one that had gone out of business recently…around the same time the disappearances had begun… "Matsumoto, are you sure about this?"
"Eh? What do you mean, taichou? Ohhh, don't tell me, you're getting all jealous now that I'm spending the night with Shuuhei?" Matsumoto's voice turned light and teasing. "Remember, I asked you first, taichou, and you turned me down."
"That's not it. Can you tell me—"
"I know, you're worried about me sharing a room with another man. I mean, in such a romantic setting, where it's just a man and a woman together alone in close quarters…eating together, sleeping together, maybe bathing together…anything can happen in a moment of lust, right?"
"I just said, that's not it! Tell me the exact location of this inn—"
"Juuuust kidding, taichou! There's no way I'd bathe with another guy. I'm completely loyal to you, you know!"
It was like they weren't even on the same wavelength. "The inn, Matsumoto—" he tried for a third time.
"Ah! It looks like they're back." He could hear the distant sound of voices in the background—a man, who he assumed was Hisagi, and a young woman, if he wasn't mistaken. Matsumoto lowered her voice to a hushed, confidential whisper. "I'd better go, taichou. I think she's going to show us to our room now. I'll call with another update as soon as I have a chance."
"Wait Matsumoto—"
"It's okay, taichou, I told you, you have nothing to fear! I'll only be thinking of you, so be sure to think of me too!"
"Will you just—"
She hung up.
"—be careful," Toshirou finished dully. Slowly, he sat back in his chair, the hard edges of its wooden back rails carving into his back.
It was going to be a long night.
The phone rang again. Toshirou snatched it up. "Hello?"
"Hello, taichou! All is well! We're going to have dinner as soon as Shuuhei gets back."
"Hisagi left?"
"Yes, he wanted to scout out the surrounding areas a bit more before it got really dark. I told him, that's not necessary and to just stay here and relax a bit with me, but he didn't get the hint at all." Matsumoto sighed. "You know, it's weird, Shuuhei is usually so reliable, but he's been all stiff and unfocused today. He's been stuttering a lot too. It's like he's nervous, but he's still letting his guard down around that woman. It's a little worrisome—I wanted him to be bait, but at this rate, he might actually get caught off guard and injured."
"So you're aware that this inn might not be legitimate?" That was a relief. He was afraid they'd walked straight into an ambush. "Matsumoto, do you think this woman might be the culprit?"
"Of course, taichou! What do you take me for?! I'm almost 100% certain it's her! She's been sending Shuuhei weird reiatsu all day. He should notice it too, except he's been so distracted. Honestly! I have to keep coming in between them, but that just makes him clam up even more! Mouu, it's so much harder when it isn't you, taichou! You're so mean and grumpy, you'd be totally impervious to her charms!"
"For the last time, I am not a piece of meat you get to use in your ploys! I am NOT bait, Matsumoto. As for Hisagi, since you haven't informed him of your plan, it's only natural he's acting uptight. I can't imagine anyone in his position who wouldn't."
"Hmm, why's that, taichou?"
"…because you're asking him to stay the night somewhere with you…alone…seriously, how do you not see the problem with this?"
"What are you talking about, taichou? This is for a mission. We're just two Shinigami lieutenants doing our job. Shuuhei knows this. Unlike you, taichou, he doesn't think naughty thoughts about being alone with me."
"…I give up. Do what you want."
"I've got to admit it, though, this woman is pretty good," Matsumoto said heedlessly. "She knew the 'oh no I got you with some hot tea, let me make it all better' trick, and it would have actually worked on Shuuhei if I hadn't put a stop to it! True, it's a classic, but the way she pulled it off…no question about it, we're dealing with a real pro here, taichou!"
"Then, she's not a Hollow? What she's doing sounds too complex—wait a minute," he stopped. "…Is that why you've been making my tea scalding hot lately?"
"Er…ahahaha, I don't know what you mean, taichou. My tea is always the perfect temperature."
"I've been telling you to let it sit a little longer or just let me make it myself, but you never listen, and I thought it was because you just forgot. But…" he said slowly, as anger began to build inside him, "…I thought it was strange how you'd stand around and offer to blow or suck on my fingers."
"…"
"And you had a cold compress ready on the tray every time."
"…"
"Matsumoto…" he growled.
"…well, it's not my fault you've got an ice-type zanpakutou that can just cool off the tea, taichou! Any other guy would have fallen to their knees in gratitude to have me nurse them!"
"Nurse them for burns you deliberately attempted to inflict on them!"
"Well…those sorts of details aren't what's important, Hitsugaya-taichou. I know you're a prodigy and all, but you still need to learn how to look at the big picture."
"And what would that be?!"
"Anyway," Matsumoto deftly switched subjects, "so what I was thinking was this, taichou: when Shuuhei gets back, I'll say I'm going for a dip in the outdoor bath, which means Shuuhei will be alone indoors with her. She'll definitely be hanging around our room, waiting for her chance to grab him. But I won't let her because at the last minute, when I know she's there, I'll tell Shuuhei to come over and join me, and then we'll turn the tables on her. It's brilliant! Don't you think so, taichou?"
No, he didn't think so. It didn't sound brilliant. It sounded dumb. Real dumb. As in, so dumb going in with no plan would have been preferable. He couldn't even begin to point out the stupid parts in her thinking because all of it was stupid. It was a good thing she was a lieutenant accompanied by another lieutenant; otherwise, he'd have been far more concerned about their safety. As it was, even with Matsumoto's half-baked scheme, they should be able to dispatch a simple Hollow with their eyes closed. On the other hand, it still sounded like Hisagi was getting a pretty raw deal. "Since you know the enemy's location and you plan to take action tonight, call Kotetsu and give her your location so she can back you up with the medical team."
"Ohh, good idea, taichou! I'll do that right after this call! They're not that far away, so they should be able to make it over in time. Then again, the woman's weird reiatsu keeps increasing around Hisagi. If I think she's going to make her move, I'll have to go forward with the plan, even if it means without Isane's team. Well! It'll work itself out either way." Matsumoto sounded way too happy for someone supposedly strategizing against a dangerous tormented soul.
It was out of his hands. Unless he ran over right now—which he was NOT doing for a simple mission like this—Matsumoto was going to do as she liked. "I still think you should tell Hisagi. You're counting on him to move around properly—first he has to wait alone inside, then you want him to run out and join you. What if he hesitates?"
"Hmm? Why would he? He's a pretty obedient guy, and he's always listened to me before. Really, I can ask him to do just about anything, and he does it without questioning!"
"…it might be a little different this time. If you tell him you're undressing and getting in the bath, and then you ask him to come outside…"
"…yes, taichou?"
"…forget it. It's impossible for someone like you to comprehend."
"Aww, jealous again, taichou? Don't worry, Shuuhei won't try anything. He knows I'll kill him if he does!"
"…then, wouldn't it make it even harder for him to follow your directions?"
"There you go again, getting caught up in unimportant details, taichou! It'll be fine! You appointed me leader, so you should trust in my abilities!"
"You are NOT the leader!"
"Oh, I can hear footsteps. That's probably Shuuhei. All right, leave it to me, taichou! We'll wrap this up and be back later tonight! Bye taichou!"
"Matsumoto, seriously, can you not warn Hisagi a little—"
The phone went click, and the line went dead. Toshirou stared down at the receiver, and tried not to think of how things might go badly.
"I'm back!" Matsumoto popped her head in through the doorway to their headquarters. The room was darkened save for a single candle on Toshirou's desk and the sallow light of the crescent moon hanging low in the ink black sky coming through through the office windows. "Oh, you're still here, taichou?" She checked the clock on the wall. "Amazing! It's past midnight! You're so hard-working, taichou!"
"It sounded like you were determined to put an end to things tonight, so what else was I supposed to do?" He leaned back, arms folded and tucked into the opposing black sleeves of his shihakusho. "So? Did your plan work?"
"Like a charm, taichou! It's exactly as I said—the inn's proprietress was the culprit. She lured unsuspecting men to the inn, which was the perfect cover since it's an isolated location designed to help people relax, and when all their defenses were down, she'd reveal her Hollow form and devour them. Pretty smart, right, taichou?"
"Not really. I don't understand how it could possess enough cunning to pose as a regular soul and enough self-awareness to have a specific victim preference, yet be so careless as to invite not one but two Shinigami to its nest."
"You mean, you don't understand how, with my brains and excellent leadership skills, I'm not a captain yet, taichou."
"That is nothing like what I just said."
"Oh come on, taichou, you have to admit, I was right this time about the Hollow targeting good-looking guys."
"It makes no sense," he reiterated stubbornly.
"Too bad, taichou. But it doesn't change the fact that I made a decision to pursue my theory and as a result, was able to successfully complete the investigation in one night with zero injuries or casualties, and with limited personnel to boot!"
"It was, by all standards, a highly successful mission," he had to admit.
"And I was right," Matsumoto stated.
"And," he sighed, "you were right."
"Aaaand," Matsumoto placed both hands on his desk and leaned down expectantly towards him, "what do I get when I'm right?"
Toshirou muttered something not quite audible.
"I can't hear you, Hitsugaya-taichou." Matsumoto cupped one hand behind her ear for dramatic effect. "What do I get when I'm right again? Don't tell me you forgot—"
Toshirou stood up, grabbed both ends of her pink scarf in one hand, and forcefully pulled her down into a kiss.
It was a long and passionate kiss, and when they finally broke apart, both were looking a little flushed and breathing more heavily.
Matsumoto hadn't quite recovered her breath, but she liked getting the first word in, so she panted, "Oh good. So you remembered after all, taichou."
Toshirou glared at her, an action somewhat incongruous with his deeds a moment earlier . "I don't know what I was thinking, agreeing to this arrangement. Don't I pay you enough attention on a regular basis?"
"Sure, taichou, and those kisses are the best! But," Matsumoto said contemplatively, holding her pointer finger up in the air, "how do I put it, there's a special feeling to things you get when you've earned them properly. It feels like I really deserve them." She smiled, carefree. "You have to give yourself these little treats every now and then, taichou. It makes life more interesting! And it gives me an incentive to work hard, so as my superior officer, you should support this!"
"I see. And what incentive do you need to finish your paperwork on time?"
"Ohh! For that, more than a kiss would be needed for sure!" Matsumoto's lips curled up into a seductive smile. "Perhaps we could negotiate terms back at my place?"
"Tonight?" He frowned. "It's already so late, Matsumoto. Aren't you tired after the mission? You need your rest."
"I sleep better when you spend the night anyway. So, taichou, how about it?" Matsumoto batted her bright sky blue eyes rapidly. "Pleeeease?"
Still, he hesitated. "Did you finish your report regarding this investigation? It needs to be turned in first thing tomorrow morning."
"Absolutely, taichou! Here!" To his surprise, Matsumoto actually produced a sheet of paper with neatly written paragraphs on it. "I thought you might use it as an excuse to ignore me, so I wrote it up while waiting for Isane and the others to catch up."
Toshirou placed the report on his desk and gave a mental shrug. "All right, Matsumoto, let's go."
"Hooray!"
They started making their way towards the door. "So, how did Hisagi take the realization that you'd lied repeatedly to him and used him? Is the ninth division ever going to work with us again?"
"You're too pessimistic, taichou! Shuuhei wasn't angry at all! He was a little crestfallen, it's true, but I cheered him up right away by telling him he was the only one I could turn to for the job. It's how I always get him to help me out! I've told all the other ladies in the Shinigami Women's Association to call on him like that too! Shuuhei is the type of man who needs to feel relied on, you know, so if you think about it that way, I'm actually doing him a favor!"
"…no, I'm pretty sure there's another reason he's helping you…"
"Eh? What do you mean, taichou?"
A heavy sigh. "Nothing."
The door closed behind them.
Classification
Field Investigation Mission Report
Submitted by: Matsumoto Rangiku, Lieutenant, 10th division
SUBJECT: Unaccounted absences in District XX, West Rukongai
In summary, the inn gets a 4 out of 5 stars. The rooms are very well-kept and the décor is simple but elegant in an old-fashioned style. Food is pretty good, especially since a Hollow was the one cooking, and the outdoors bath is a huge plus, though I never got a real chance to get in and experience it. I did strip out of my uniform but ninth division lieutenant Hisagi Shuuhei took too long joining me and I saw that the Hollow was about to attack, so I had to get dressed again because no one but my adorable captain Hitsugaya gets to see my naked body and superb breasts in their full glory!
Speaking of Captain Hitsugaya, I would like to say he did NOT contribute to the mission effort half as much as he should have. I wanted to walk around and sightsee-I mean, investigate Rukongai together alone with him and have a romantic date-that is, thorough investigation, and it'd have been SO much better if it had been us two at the inn instead because then we could have had a nice outdoors bath together and then made love, and I've always wanted to make love in a hot springs inn. Also, Captain Hitsugaya looks super hot in a yukata. He tends to wear it a little looser than his uniform so you can see the top of his chest muscles, and it makes you just want to tear the whole thing off with your teeth.
…Oh, and the innkeeper lady was a Hollow eating all the hot guys. Like I said.
End of Report.
Toshirou's eye twitched as he looked down at Matsumoto's article. "What the hell is this? I…there is no…way…I…can turn this in as a report…MATSUMOTOOO!"
~fin