The Simpsons: Interrogating Lisa.
Plot: Bart secretly invites Ralph over to play some of his 12-18+ rated video games behind his little friend's parents Constable Clarence and Sarah Wiggum's backs. Lisa has been in a mood and refuses to tell her older brother why, so he interrogates. They then fight to the level of domestic violence in front of little Ralph who witnesses this and the unsuitable video games. Meanwhile is this play-date is much more than meets the eye?
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After school Ralph and I were playing a video game called Grand Theft Auto on my Sony PlayStation games console. The television shows a scene of the player trying to commit crimes against gang members.
Bart (cheering): Come on, Ralph! Punch that police officer!
The character then gets a baseball bat with a gun to smash a police car.
Ralph (proudly): Woo-hoo! I'm doing it!
Ralph's victory gets cut short when a number of criminals gang up to attack his player, then a large bold "Game Over" sign in red appears on the TV.
Ralph (screaming around lounge room): No, no, no! (starts tantrum).
Bart: Doh! You almost made it there.
Ralph (throwing game controller): I'm never gonna defeat this game!
Bart (encouraging): Sure you will, Ralph in fact you're a better gamer than I am.
Ralph (picking up controller): But look at my little fingers! I can't press the "weapon" for B and "jump" for A buttons!
Bart (taking controller from Ralph): It's probably because you are doing it wrong, here let me show you.
Ralph Wiggum watches Bart Simpson kill more criminals on the television.
Bart (keeping an eye on game): You see?
Ralph (asking a silly question): Will you marry me, Bart?
Bart (angry): Who do you think I am, your gay boyfriend?!
Ralph laughs very silly rolling around the lounge room and ignores Bart until Lisa comes home slamming the door causing him to lose the game.
Bart (annoyed): No, no, no! Oh damn it!
Lisa (going upstairs to her room): What the hell is going on? It's just a stupid video game.
Ralph (playing violent video games without adults vetting them): Hi, Lisa! Want to watch me play a car jacking video game?
Lisa: Not today Ralph, I've got a lot of important homework to do.
Bart (looking at Ralph giving him PlayStation controller): You keep practising this game, while I have a talk with Lisa. Good boy.
Before Bart could approach Lisa, she threw her empty school bag in his face.
Bart (in shock): What on earth is the matter with you?
Lisa (hissing at Bart): Get lost, you allowed a young child to play your 12-18 rated video games. If little Ralph's behaviour gets affected by them, you know you'll be in serious trouble with his parents when they find out.
Bart (serious): Lisa, you've been like this since you got up.
Lisa (pushing past Bart): Yeah, so what? I do not want to have a conversation with you today.
Bart (teasingly): Did one of your boyfriends dump you again?
Lisa (furiously): No, leave me alone.
Bart: Would you please tell me why you were upset all day?
Lisa (mad): LEAVE ME ALONE!
Bart gets kicked in the leg downstairs before Lisa goes into the kitchen.
Lisa (firmly): I hate you, Bart.
Bart (thinking): Oh god, that's going to leave a mark for days...
(Scene moves into the Simpsons lounge with Marge's childminded kids)
Bart goes looking for Lisa and sees her at the computer desk doing her homework. Two preschool boys are helping Marge slice apples for a fruit recipe at the table. Ralph walks in and witnesses the violence after struggling on Grand Theft Auto, this all starts to affect his behaviour.
Lisa (doing homework at computer): Let go of me, Bartholemew right now!
Bart: No, not until you tell me what's up with you.
Lisa: I rather tell that story to my favourite animals.
Bart (confrontational in front of preschoolers): I don't believe you. You're not going anywhere or I'm not letting you up until you tell me!
Lisa (furiously closing her homework book up): Bart Simpson!
Bart (laughing): Ay caramba! Now you're screaming my name? It's a dream come true!
Ralph (crying as he throws toys on the floor): My brain is screaming! Daddy help me! I'm kind of scared! (screams for an adult to cuddle him)
Lisa (smirking): That's what you get for interrogating me.
Ralph has seen some horrible gang scenes in Grand Theft Auto, witnesses Bart and Lisa Simpson fighting in front of him with the childminded children.
Marge (shocked): Bart, did you knowingly let little Ralph play your video games?! There is toys, games and books everywhere around the lounge! Why are two of my childminded charges smirking at me with crayons in their hand?! Ralph sweetie, have a dummy to suck on as you were really tearful and I don't want Bart giving you his video games to play again.
Bart (moody): My life sucks...
Ralph (sucking a dummy): Can you help me, Daddy?
Bart (angry at Ralph smacking game box on his hand): For the love of God, I'm not your daddy Constable Clancy Wiggum! I'm Bart Simpson!
Ralph is still playing Grand Theft Auto until Marge removes the game controller out of his reach as she looks at the TV with a bold red "Game Over" sign before turning off Bart's Sony PlayStation console.
Marge (cross): Your video games have affected little Ralph Wiggum's behaviour to the point I had to give him one of Maggie's dummies to suck on. I'm telling his father when he comes to collect him because Ralph will be having nightmares from the effects of your little gaming session.
Ralph then runs away upstairs thinking he is going to get into trouble.
Ralph (in Bart's bed still sucking dummy and hugs a Krusty the Clown doll): Daddy's going to tell me off...
Constable Wiggum (walks upstairs behind Marge into Bart's bedroom): Ralphie it's OK you're not going to get into trouble, Daddy's here.
Marge (tries getting Ralph to come out of Bart's bed): Come on sweetheart, your father is here to pick you up.
Ralph (pulls duvet over himself): No! There's bad grown ups around!
Constable Wiggum (whispering to his son Ralph): Do you want daddy to lay next to you, until you feel safe and secure?
Marge: Does Ralph do this after he's seen violent things where other parents don't bother to check their video game collection for suitability? Or when he's come across a domestic violence incident at other kids houses?
Constable Wiggum: Yeah, he's a very young 8 and doesn't understand what's happening in them. When my Ralphie comes to your childminders again, could you please ensure Bart's video games are out of his reach.
Marge: I certainly will to prevent something like this happening again.
Constable Wiggum (with Ralph in his arms): Great, I shall see you soon.
Constable Wiggum then gets Ralph into the car and Marge removes the dummy from him. Little does she know, Ralph starts screaming the place down as an another side effect from Bart's teenage video games.
Marge (removes dummy from Ralph's mouth): You be a good boy for your father, Ralph OK? I gave him his dinner with the other kids and cleaned his teeth.
Constable Wiggum: Fab, so that's all done for the night.
Constable Wiggum turns the engine on, closes drivers door and drives on.
Ralph (screaming the car down as he looks at council estate hoodies): I don't like the scary hoodies with writing and drawings on their arms!
Ralph (whimpering): Are we home yet, Daddy? I'm scared.
Constable Wiggum (continues driving to music): Nearly, you'll have to go straight to bed as it's so late for you. I couldn't peel my eyes off the 1:00 pm to 9:00 pm shift back at the police station, that's why you've had to be at Marge's Hopscotch Childminders. Plus it gives Mummy a break from you.
The doors to Clancy's Ford Granada Mk2 are locked up for the evening.
Ralph (pointing to his parents Ford Granada saloons): Is this our house?
Constable Wiggum (carrying Ralph to house): Yeah, now shh it's bedtime.
At the Wiggum family house, it is an half hour past Ralph's normal 8:00 pm bedtime being 9:30 pm. Although Ralph is in his pyjamas, the nightmares begin for Clancy and Sarah as their little son feels too afraid to sleep.
Ralph (crying in bed through baby monitor): The violent hoodie thugs are out to get me in a dream!
Constable Wiggum (in his sleep): Your turn Sarah.
Sarah: Don't worry darling, Mummy's coming!
Sarah then turns on Ralph's nightlight and his Fisher Price lullaby seahorse.
Hours later Ralph then wets the bed in one of his Pampers nappies when a domestic violence scene appears in one of his dreams.
Ralph (whimpering through baby monitor): I've wet myself!
Sarah (in her sleep): Clancy, change our little boy's nappy as it's your turn.
Constable Wiggum: All right, darling I'll go and see to our Ralphie.
Ralph (crying loudly): I had an accident, Daddy!
Constable Wiggum (changing Ralph's Pampers): Oh never mind sweetheart. Let's get you cleaned up, put a fresh one on and then you can try to sleep. Mummy and I will see you in the morning. Was it from Bart's video games?
Ralph (frightened): Yeah daddy, I saw lots of horrible stuff in the games.
Constable Wiggum (putting Ralph back to bed): Oh you poor thing...
(Scene goes to Ralph's parents bedroom as they have a conversation)
Sarah (shocked as she types on her Sony laptop): Bart Simpson let our Ralphie play his teenage video games like Grand Theft Auto?! Homer didn't think to keep them out of our little boy's reach?! Bart is as neglectful as his Dad with young children. That's why Ralphie has been crying half the night?
Constable Wiggum (after washing his hands in en-suite): Marge told me all about it, when I picked him up from her childminder's. Ralphie was sucking one of Maggie's dummies because the effects of Bart's video games affected his behaviour and was extremely tearful. Also he witnessed Bart strangling Lisa when she was just quietly doing her homework.
Sarah (logging off): This isn't nice for Ralphie, tomorrow morning we're taking him to Dr. Marvin Monroe. You'll have to take a day off from work.
Constable Wiggum: I just hope he will be OK. I'm concerned the violent video games, Bart let Ralphie play and him strangling Lisa while she was doing her homework could make our little boy's behaviour regress. But Dr. Marvin Monroe's and his therapy team's help should solve this issue.
Sarah: Is our little one fast asleep?
Constable Wiggum: Ralphie was out like a light; once I gave him his teddy bear to hug, a soft kiss and his most favourite book on the side.
(Scene switches to inside Clancy Wiggum's Ford Granada Mk2 as the family drive to London NHS Children's/Adolescent Therapy Services)
Ralph (in his booster seat staring at speedometer): Toys 'R' Us! Look daddy!
Constable Wiggum (driving): Good spotting, Ralphie but you know Daddy and Mummy can't take you to Toys 'R' Us today. What other things can you see on the road through the window?
Sarah (in front passenger seat): What other things can you find on the road?
Ralph (missing certain letters out as he talks): Lollies, cars, maxies, road sand pits with coloured lights.
Sarah (helping Ralph with his letters): Say lorries Ralphie. It begins with a letter L. T is for taxi.
Ralph (tries copying adult speech): L-orries and t-axis.
Sarah (smiling): Look inside your Campbell "On the Road" big word and picture board book. You'll find a picture of them somewhere I bet, Ralphie.
Ralph (in his booster seat staring at speedometer): Toys 'R' Us! Look daddy!
Constable Wiggum (driving): Good spotting, Ralphie but you know Daddy and Mummy can't take you to Toys 'R' Us today. What other things can you see on the road through the window?
Sarah (in front passenger seat): What other things can you find on the road?
Ralph (missing certain letters out as he talks): Lollies, cars, maxies, road sand pits with coloured lights.
Sarah (helping Ralph with his letters): Say lorries Ralphie. It begins with a letter L. T is for taxi.
Ralph (tries copying adult speech): L-orries and t-axis.
Sarah (smiling): Look inside your Campbell "On the Road" big word and picture board book. You'll find a picture of them somewhere I bet, Ralphie.
(Scene is outside of NHS Therapy Services hospital with Wiggum's Ford)
Constable Wiggum (getting Ralph out of his car): While the nice doctor asks Mummy and Daddy some very important questions, he's got a playroom full of fabulous toys for you to play with.
Ralph (running off in street from puzzled man to Mercedes in front of his father's Ford Granada Mk2): Stranger danger! (laughing)
Sarah (chases after Ralph): Come here Ralphie, this is a very busy and dangerous road.
Constable Wiggum (as he locks up): I'll get the toddler reins out just in case.
Ralph (screeching wildly on floor): No, no, no! Bad daddy!
Constable Wiggum (restraining Ralph gently on lap): Settle down or Daddy'll have to carry you inside, Ralphie.
Sarah (putting Ralph in his toddler reins): Could it be our son has got some form of Aspergers/autism and the violent games made the traits raise red flags for us as his parents? Also he laughs at naughty and serious situations indicating a lack of empathy?
Constable Wiggum (guiding Ralph): It could be correct. He's got a talent for performing arts and music. But Ralphie lacks social skills hence the odd behaviours. Basic common sense issues are linked to his limited sense of danger. The pieces of strange dialogue come from not understanding jokes.
Sarah (in waiting room): So, in a nutshell he has the mental age of a three to four year old?
Constable Wiggum: That's it! Now I know why our Ralphie tends to have terrible temper tantrums and enjoys watching BBC's CBeebies. He's the same size as a typical 3-4 year old toddler.
Ralph's school report is used as evidence for his diagnosis:
Ralph Wiggum is the son of Police Constable Clancy Wiggum, Mrs. Sarah Wiggum and a classmate of Lisa Simpson at the Springfield Primary School. Ralph is a good-hearted child, but has learning and social difficulties (possible Aspergers/autism), which are evidenced by his tendency to utter hilarious and stupid sayings - such as "I bent my Wookiee" and "I'm going to live with my underground grandma" - throughout the course of lessons. Ralph Wiggum is - in this case, he is a classic "special needs kid" archetype. Ralph can't understand where the world goes when the drapes are closed, indicating he has the mentality, roughly speaking, of a three to four year old. Interestingly enough, he's been shown to be a competent actor. He has a slight crush on Lisa, though her feelings for him are best described as platonic pity.
It's debatable whether Ralph suffers from a simple learning disability, is socially awkward or is actually borderline psychotic, sociopathic. It may be constant tantrums is a warning sign of Aspergers/autism, or another type of developmental disorder as evidenced by his hearing voices (such as the pyromaniacal leprechaun, see quotes, below) plus his preparation of a crayon sandwich for his father. Sometimes at home or out in public usually in his parents Ford executive saloons visiting certain places; Ralph Wiggum tends to have extreme temper tantrums with a number of factors from due to being misunderstood by other adults, frustration or wanting adults attention.
A typical "Ralph moment" occurs when his class is doing Arts and Craft activities, and Miss Hoover tells him to "please stop eating the PVA glue." He is regularly bewildered by the teasing he receives when he reveals his ignorance to his more clued-in classmates. His cat's name is Mittens, which is strange because he considers that word to be a "swear." Ralph also has a pine cone which he claims is his "baby brother."
Signed by:
Headmaster Seymour Skinner, Mrs Elizabeth Hoover and Dr J. Loren Prior
Dr. Marvin Monroe (at his computer desk): Hiya, Mr and Mrs Wiggum what brings you to the NHS's Children's/Adolescent Therapy Services?
Sarah: Ralphie's school report; after they raised concerns about Aspergers/autism due to his lack of social skills, doesn't get jokes, limited sense of danger, obvilous to teasing and yet he's extremely clever on the performing arts front. Plus the limited sense of danger is linked to his common sense issues.
Constable Wiggum: I knew the traits raised red flags for us as Ralphie's parents after he played Bart's teenage video games some with very violent scenes affecting his behaviour patterns to the point Mrs. Simpson gave him one of Maggie's dummies to calm him down. Also he laughed when he was running off in this street from his mum (my wife) to a black Mercedes in front of my Ford Granada Mk2 car showing zero empathy for serious and/or naughty situations.
Sarah: When we're out in public usually in our Ford executive saloons, Ralph tends to have extreme temper tantrums and/or odd behaviours visiting in certain places with a number of factors behind them.
Constable Wiggum: It's also at home sometimes as well especially if he's had a tough day at school, ill, frustration or just wants attention from us.
(Ralph plays with toys as his parents talk to Dr. Marvin Monroe)
Constable Wiggum: Now I know there's reasons behind our little Ralphie's quirks, innocence and why he has a knack for the performing arts.
Sarah: Thank you, Mr. Monroe you've been very helpful.
Constable Wiggum: Ralphie, sweetie it's time to go so put the toys back and say bye-bye to the nice doctor.
(Ralph waves and says bye-bye as he leaves with his parents)
Sarah: Now, some of the surly teachers won't be able to wriggle out of helping Ralphie when he's being taught in their lessons, because it's now a formal diagnosis. Plus they can't find excuses for why they don't want him.
Constable Wiggum (putting Ralph into car): You've got that right, darling.
Ralph (proudly in his booster seat): I'm special!
Sarah: We knew from his quirks Ralphie had Aspergers/autism anyway.
THE END