Author's Note: Hey, everyone! My dear old sport Star suggested that I do a satire on bad Steven Universe romance (or porno) fanfics like my crackfic Aerial Choreography, Pearl's Problem, and of course, let's not forget that charming request fanfic Florentine Crystal Flowers I wrote for Applebucker77. Don't worry, this request won't be as graphic as the latter, but it's still pretty, ahem, interesting, so to speak. Star, my love, it looks like I may've gone a bit too far again so don't hold it against me.

Eh, enjoy!

-Voltalia

September 30, 1761

Present-day Wisconsin

"Did you miss me?" Zirconia asked Odawa leader Pontiac as he was walking back into his village.

The long-haired blonde Gem had been waiting quite a while at her hut for this brawny Native American man to return from his meeting with his fellow Indians. She still couldn't believe that she fell in love with him at first sight, but this love was nothing like she had ever felt before, not even the kind she felt for her dear Rose Quartz.

"Of course I did." Pontiac answered immediately. "You would not believe how long those war meetings go on. By the way, I can't help but notice that you're assimilating quite well into our tribe."

"Thank you, dear Pontiac! It means so much to me!"

"I guess you're not so bad for magical creatures that can change their shape and have rocks on parts of their bodies."

"Hmm..." Zirconia was bit peeved, offended even, by that last part. "Listen, I've always wondered what that white stuff tasted like. You wouldn't mind demonstrating that, would you?"

Pontiac was taken aback by the strange request. Demonstrating? To this woman in particular? True, he hadn't been able to have any decent sex since his wife Ituha was pregnant (by this time, she was just about due), but this was threatening to push his boundaries over the edge. Could he really risk destroying what was soon to be a family, just so an alien who had been living with him would get a first-hand experience of the taste of liquid salt on her tongue? Still, hospitality was always a must and this was no exception.

After mulling it over, Pontiac finally let out a long, reluctant sigh and said, "No, of course I wouldn't mind. But I must warn you: if my wife ever hears of this, you may never live to see the light of day again. Therefore, when this is done and over with, it'll be our little secret... forever."

He reached for his pants and almost pulled them down when he suddenly spotted the curled pink-haired Gem coming their way. Rose Quartz had just come by to check on Zirconia, so she hadn't expected Pontiac to be home so soon. Zirconia whipped her head around to see Rose standing right there in the doorway, and blushed a silvery gray.

"Oh, h-hello." Zirconia timidly stuttered. "D-d-didn't see you t-there."

Rose kept staring at them with an expression of puzzlement. Neither of the two other people were willing to solve the puzzle anytime soon, but it couldn't just be.

Pontiac cleared his throat. "Well, uh, your friend here was curious about something and I was going to show her. Surely you wouldn't mind if I went ahead and got this over with?"

"She's gotten along well with your tribe then?" Rose asked rather calmly.

"Oh, yes. By the by, if what I'm about to do makes you uncomfortable, you can go."

"Oh, that's okay. I'm curious myself. Perhaps I can watch?"

Pontiac was once again taken aback by this. Why would this woman want to stay and watch them perform unspeakable acts of copulation? He thought perhaps she just wanted to see how deviant and vile this exhibit was going to be and then berate him for his part. He motioned Rose over to him...

Several minutes later...

Zirconia stumbled out of the hut with a white liquid covering her lips and some cloudy goop around her anus. The blonde Gem giggled incessantly while she thought of all the fun she had had with Pontiac and Rose. As she was fantasizing about all the fun stuff that was to come later, she bumped into a heavily pregnant Native American woman with half-slanted eyes, very pronounced cheeks and a round face. Right away, there was no mistaking that this expectant Indian was Pontiac's wife Ituha who had been kidnapped several months ago by some Englishmen.

"Eh, hello there, my lady." Zirconia nervously spoke when she inched herself away for distance.

"Salutations to you, dear Zirconia." Ituha rejoined monotonously. "I hope you're enjoying our culture."

"I sure am." the blonde Gem perked up. "Your husband is very impressed by my progress. He's even, might I say, fascinated with me!"

"Just what do you mean by that? He hasn't made advances on you, has he?"

"No, but let's just say I was doing a lot of suckling earlier. It was very messy, as you can see on my face."

Ituha's eyes widened and her face became agape with shocking rage. Could it be that this marriage was to crash to the ground no thanks to this strange foreigner? Or was it that she was going to lose her sanity soon? What if he impregnated this guest behind her back? All the fears she had of betrayal and confiscation sent her flying with hellfire wrath at her target, whom she merely reduced to a black-and-dark gray pulp with a few hooks here and there. Out of the blue, it happened...

Ituha's amniotic sac literally exploded and splashed water over the already-humiliated Zirconia. It only took a few seconds for Pontiac's wife to notice that she was suddenly wet between her legs and that Zirconia was drenched in the stuff, before she screamed bloody murder.

"What happened?" Rose asked out of concern as soon as she came out of the hut.

"I'm in labor!" Ituha screamed as she clutched her abdomen, now throbbing with contractions from within. "Do something!"

Zirconia was visibly trembling from her earlier attack and was not about to help her friend in this moment of distress.

"What's going on?" Pontiac asked when he came into view. "Ituha, are you alright?"

"Does it look like I'm alright to you?!" Ituha screeched at him. "I swear, I'm going to see to it that your head's placed on a spike after this!"

"Help me get her inside." Rose told Pontiac as she fastened her arms beneath Ituha's swollen breasts.

After Pontiac grabbed ahold of his wife's inflated ankles, he and the pink-haired Gem together carried her back into the hut and onto a crude wooden table, where Ituha was forced to lie flat on her back. Ituha let out a long, grating shriek as an especially excruciating, brief contraction rolled like thunder through her womb.

"Are you sure you know what to do here?" Pontiac asked uncertainly as he watched his wife try in vain to fight against the insufferable process.

"I helped Orange Topaz once when she had her daughter." Rose replied with a confident undertone. "So I'm pretty sure I can do this."

The entire time, the novice midwife was silent as she placidly spread Ituha's legs apart and examined the Native American woman's rapidly-expanding vagina. At that moment, Zirconia finally stumbled in and held onto Pontiac for dear life. She didn't care that she was covered in amniotic fluid anymore. She just wanted her man and nothing more. Half an hour in, Ituha was now ready to push and did so. Zirconia was so entranced with the brazen Indian chief she clung onto that it took a bulge in his pants to catch her off-guard for just a split second. Apparently, watching his wife squeeze a child out of her crotch was really turning Pontiac on, even if he was too heartbroken by his beloved's pain and distress to notice!

Several more minutes later, the child was finally born. It had straight black hair, high-set cheekbones, a round face and a stout body; however, what really distinguished this child from its parents was its fair skin, which seemed very similar to the Englishmen who had kidnapped Ituha all those months ago... oops.

Pontiac took a good look at the child's private areas before concluding, "It's a boy! Oh, I hope he will be a great leader one day!"

Not long after he said that, Ituha felt yet another twinge going through her uterine muscles. Yes, another baby was coming! But fortunately, Rose had gone back into position and gotten ready to start the process again. Pontiac pried himself away from the blonde Gem to rush to his beloved's aide; meanwhile, Zirconia had to take up the Indian chief's newborn son since the man would have to go out afterwards anyway. She held the child close while she watched the man of her dreams support and comfort Ituha in her time of need. It took six and a half pushes before Ituha finally had the second and final child, which was this time a girl.

The girl also had straight black hair, but her jaw was square and her cheeks were remarkably pronounced like her ancestors before her. Her own body was a bit slimmer than her brother's, but nonetheless still chubby. Even her skin was different; it was definitely a light clay red like her parents.

"That was...was...beautiful!" Zirconia blurted out as awestruck tears streamed ever-steadily down her face. "What are you going to name them?"

"Well, what would be a better name for the next chief of my tribe than Honovi?" Pontiac replied with another question. "I mean, you can tell just by looking at him now that he will be a powerful man, right?"

"Okay, but what about our daughter?" Ituha asked her husband after Zirconia handed Honovi over to her. "Do you know what her name is?"

"Lomasi." Pontiac answered his wife simply. "She's Lomasi."

Ituha soon held both her son Honovi and her daughter Lomasi in her arms while Rose embraced her friend Zirconia over the beauty of this magical moment.

"Wasn't it divine, Zirconia?" Rose asked, now crying because how beautiful the twins' birth was.

"I guess so." Zirconia fibbed uncomfortably. "Please don't cry. It couldn't have been that riveting. Look, even Pontiac's leaving."

And indeed he was, slowing making tracks since he wanted his wife alone to bond with her babies. The two Gems then looked at each other before rushing outside to confront Pontiac, hoping they would be of service later on.