Pokémon Platinum Parody
By LazerTH
For Hannah
Author's note:
Hannah has done it again. She's inveigled me into writing a parody that I know I will love but will take forever to write and hurt my poor, abused hands that are already injured from playing videogames all day long.
I have loved Pokémon ever since the first anime episode aired in my country. I played every Pokémon Nintendo portable game I could get my hands on. Out of great love for this franchise, I now write a parody, for the sheer pleasure of ribbing my childhood.
Thank you, Hannah, for reading and rereading the parody as it grew, acting as my critic and editor every step of the way. You are as much a part of this parody as I am.
888
Manny, a wee brown lad of ten years had spent the last three hours mucking about in Metal Gear Solid 3 on his Playstation 2. While his mother could afford a third generation console, he couldn't be bothered, as all the good games were on the PS2.
"Manny! Hey, Manny!"
"Oh now what the -"
THUD!
Manny's rival, Mint, who was an excitable blonde lad and also ten years in this world, crashed into Manny after running up the stairwell like an Aipom with its tail on fire.
"Manny! We're finally going to walk in the tall grass today!"
"Has the Ritalin coursing through your system finally driven you mad?"
"I know it's crazy, but it will be SO AWESOME if we walk through the tall grass and tell all the other kids!"
"Other kids? We're the only kids in this entire town. It's full of adults. It's really creepy, like everyone's sterile except for our Moms."
"Come on Manny! If you're late I'll fine you TEN MILLION DOLLARS!" Mint threatened, performing the Dr. Evil laugh - complete with extended pinkie finger - as he jumped downstairs.
Grumbling, Manny switched off his beloved PS2 and followed.
"Manny," his mother called from the kitchen of their humble two-storey house, "Mint was looking for you. He said to meet him by the village gate."
Manny ran downstairs. Sleeping at his mother's feet was a Persian. She was the first Pokémon his mother had ever owned, caught fifteen years ago as a tiny Meowth. Now she was a regal cat, the size of Manny himself, though, like him, a bit scruffy. She acknowledged Manny's presence with a huge yawn of yellowing teeth, her frazzled whiskers twitching.
"Mom, where's Dad?"
His Mom was grilling eggs and bacon. She had fair skin, unlike her son, and was yet young, her blue hair tied into a ponytail to keep it away from the skillet. "You don't have a father, Manny, I had a virgin birth. You are the Chosen One destined to save the world."
"Mom…"
"I'm sorry Manny, your father is a good-for-nothing Pokémon Trainer who knocked me up and left me in this hick town because he had 'commitment issues'. I swear he loved his Pokémon more than he loved me."
"Okay. Bye Mom!"
"Bye son," his mother replied before returning to breakfast preparations. Delicious breakfast! None of which Manny would have, for reasons to be seen.
Twinleaf Town of the Sinnoh region was indeed a hick town. Surrounded by tall grass and hills in the middle of nowhere, its only claim to fame was Lake Verity, just northwest of the village. It was said that a legendary Pokémon lived there, but no evidence was brought forward to prove it.
His shoes crunching over the melting snow, Manny met Mint outside the gates. It was the first days of Spring. Then again, it had always been the first days of Spring, for as long as Manny remembered. They had to visit other towns to experience different weather and seasons.
"Manny! You're late! I should fine you THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS!" Mint cried, flapping his arms.
"What intelligent activity do you have planned?"
"Hey Manny, if we run through the grass REALLY FAST, the wild Pokémon won't catch us!" Mint shrieked with glee.
"A wild BIDOOF appeared. There's no escape! Mint was horribly mauled by a level 2 BIDOOF. Mint's mother says she'll try better next time," Manny narrated, but Mint was already walking towards the tall grass. Manny shrugged. "Well, Mint's Mom, I tried."
"HOLD IT!"
Stopped cold, Mint and Manny turned to face an old, white-haired, mustachioed man. He was formally dressed in a white shirt, grey tie, blue vest and trousers, with a brown briefcase in hand. He rushed up to the boys, speaking to them in a very cross manner, his white eyebrows sitting high on his wrinkly forehead.
"You were trying to walk in the tall grass, weren't you?"
Mint raised his hand. "We were only going to–"
"SILENCE! The temerity of today's youth, walking in tall grass like nobody's business! Don't you know the terrible danger of walking in tall grass without a Pokémon to protect you?!"
Manny raised an eyebrow.
"If that is so, then why does the Safari Zone take away your Pokémon before letting you in?"
"THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. Here, choose one of these three Pokémon that I am giving away to you both for no discernible reason."
"Yay! Christmas comes early!" Mint cheered.
"Shouldn't you ask our Moms first?" Manny frowned.
"Children who belong to single-parent households are renowned for their independence and decision-making skills. I read it on Wikipedia, so it must be true," the greying man sniffed.
"Uh," Manny hesitated.
"I am a perfect stranger who is giving away living weapons to minors. Really, there is nothing suspicious about my behaviour or police record," the man insisted.
"Then I choose Turtwig."
"CHIMCHAR!" Mint shouted, snatching up the Pokéball as though it were a fistful of sweet, sweet chocolate. "Manny! Let's go catch the legendary Pokémon at the lake RIGHT NOW!"
"You want to catch a legendary Pokémon with newborn Pokémon."
"Our youthful earnestness guarantees us success!" Mint declared, dragging Manny by the scarf to the lake. The greying man snapped his briefcase shut and wandered off to look for a child to take the Piplup off his hands.
888
At the lakefront, they saw a tall man with sallow skin and spiky blue hair talking to the still waters.
"Sleep while you can, legendary Pokémon of the lake bed."
He turned. His grey eyes… were of the Void. No human emotion the boys could identify marked his features or his voice. He wore black clothing, with a grey jacket bearing a spiky, gold letter 'G'.
With perfect indifference in his tone, he told the boys to get out of his way, and left.
"Wow, that guy was so angsty, he killed the grass he was standing on," Manny commented.
"So where's the legendary Pokémon? Come on, Manny, let's find it!"
"Judging from the tall angry man's words, I don't think even he was able to find it," Manny surmised. "Furthermore, he looked like Elite Four material, what with the spiky blue hair and grim attitude."
"You need more than crazy hair and attitude to join the Elite Four."
"Tell FabuLance that."
Mint scuttled on hands and knees to the water's edge, peering into its clear depths.
"Hey Manny, don't we need a Pokéball to capture the legendary Pokémon?"
"I see that your brain has finally evolved. Yes, Mint, we'd need a Pokéball. Maybe forty of them, and Ultra Balls at that."
Mint's face fell. Manny patted him on the head.
"Come on, we have to tell our Moms about our new Pokémon; especially mine. She's touchy about these things."
In the privacy of their home, when he told her, his Mom sat heavily on a kitchen chair.
"You're going to leave me just like your Dad, aren't you?" she whispered, her eyes looking ten years and nine months into the past. She could still see her lover, running like heck when she showed him her positive pregnancy test, leaving nothing but a wad of cash behind, which she had used as the down payment for this house. Now, the circumstances were different, but the one she loved was still leaving her.
"Mom, I don't want to go on a Pokémon adventure. Mint is a spaz and we don't even know where that weird middle-aged guy got those Pokémon. What if they have diseases?"
His mother stared at him.
"Are you sure, Manny? That guy must be Professor Rowan. He's a crackpot that gives away Pokémon to kids without their parents's permission, but he's a good man. You should go to Sandgem Town and thank him for your new friend, at the very least."
"Way to stand up for your parental rights, Mom. I was thinking of returning the Pokémon and saying, 'No thanks, I don't want to make the same mistakes my absent father did!', but you're the adult here, so I have no choice, do I?"
He did not.