Counterparts: a Mass Effect 1/2/3 Fanfiction
This is a largely satirical and ludicrously random script for an animation or live-action film. It is intended as a parody, and only as a parody.
Mass Effect is ©Bioware, and EA games is named as Publisher.
The Term Hesh'Alan belongs to Mass Vexations' Writer, Herr Wozzeck. I use it here as more of a shout-out. Read his fic, it's awesome.
Historical Log 1337/X
50,000 years ago: a group of Protheans learned of the Reaper cycle from old relics of a race that predated theirs. The message was extremely degraded and fragmented, but a stream of text and a diagnostic log was able to be gleaned from the relic.
Event log, number Thamis-3-""&-_$"-+$"'*&"-
Unknown hostile starships detected on perimeter of "-+&#""&-( system defenses destroyed. Recommend construction of temporary countermeasure. Nanote&$%#=*$ system would need to allow for self-modif&%&$&!&#&#"_'3*_*' reports from other sectors conclusive: we are being attac&#&"-&*&!&#&$ planet phased using reverse engi*&&%!+_&=#= starship transmissions detected. Starships identified as Reapers. Detecti&#==+_+"&" !"&_$&"# manufacturing started in factories 1-1300. Phasing network is causing intermediate radiation sickness!&%=%#!&Engineers nicknamed the project "Reaper Killer""-"#"_ 1,200,000,000,000,000 units completed, stored, and will await activation. Attacks on other worlds continue. Reports horrifying. Communication center voluntarily destroyed so as to not reduce morale&$=+!"&"$!""! Food supplies dwindling. =$+=#-$Power outages occuring globally. Recommend agricul&#*$!)&)*&#)%== increased food production. Power conservation a necessity.&"+=$"#"-"$& medical centers are overflowing with patients. Supplies dwindling. Radiation sickne&$"_$+="#+=-#"&-%+= to anyone who&"&-"s reading this. Our factories have lost power. In order to maintain the phase difference, and allow fo&"$+"-&$&"r the activation sequence, population will willingly commit mass su""-"$*$*'-" we have fulfilled our duty to the future. 15 people, including myself, will be placed into hiberna"&%"+&$"+- in case of&$"&-&"&* machines will awaken in 100,000 years to prevent the cycle that will endanger the galaxy. *#&%(*!^(!^( This is Admiral *#(^)(*&(#&%(, of the migrant fleet, Attached to (*&^#(%&*(* under code )&(*&)_!&*%& of Quarian law.
Kee'la Se'Lai.
ANAYA Planetary Status Report
Population count: 15
Lifesigns: Negligible, population in stasis.
Power levels: Below minimum threshold; Factories offline; phase generator stabilized; GARDIAN anti-ship systems at minimal power.
Total produced units: 500 Billion stand-by, 100 Billion Reserve; awaiting activation signal.
The protheans were not sure what to make of it. The file was stored on an ancient drive, yet in plaintext. Metal Shrapnel found nearby suggested that the hard drive was encased in a small probe.
However, by the time the Reapers came, the Protheans understood, mostly. They still could not find this "Reaper Killer" the file mentions, however.
Cue the galactic extinction. The planet with the Drive went undisturbed because, like Ilos, it was deleted from the Citadel records.
Fast forward 50,000 years, give or take.
When Shepard activates the Conduit during the first battle of the Citadel, many still-functioning Prothean installations are put on stand-by, including a certain computer system storing a copy of the files on the relic. The computer attempts to locate any prothean ships nearby, yet finds no ships.
Following the suicide mission, Shepard finds something in the old Prothean databases: The location of an intact Prothean data cache.
In between Mass Effect 2 and 3, but before Arrival, Shepard visits the planet. The ship is immediately contacted by the computer on the surface. It overrides the ship and EDI. The server downloads its entire storage and then self-destructing, leaving the Normandy and Shepard with the files.
By this time, the planet with the machines has nearly lost all power. In order to make sure the machines can be awoken, the resident VI, ANAYA, awakens the scientists and takes the phase generator offline. The planet is immediately bathed in light from a bright sun. The scientists know it is time.
The scientists are discussing their plan when Shepard lands on the planet. Shepard finds a planet completely undisturbed by the Reapers, or anything. Yet still a frozen wasteland resulting from being in a Mass Effect "Pocket" for a million years. The heat from the many generators keep the planet above 0 degrees Celsius, yet it is all they can do.
Anyway, Shepard walks into what he thinks is the command centre, expecting it to be empty. Instead, he finds 15 squabbling hooded figures wearing thick coats and crowding around a holographic display.
Among them is Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Tali immediately recognizes Shepard.
Future!Tali: You're right on time, Hesh'alan… I mean, Commander.
Present!Shepard: Tali? But, you can't be here. I mean, you're there! points to present Tali, then appears to debate internally about something. Tali, you know how sometimes twins have-
Present!Tali: NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, Shepard. Erm… Future me, You mind giving us an explanation? This obviously complicated as all hell.
Future!Tali: Well, It's about to get a lot more complicated to you… me… whatever. Admiral Shepard, would you mind?
An aged figure with a fur coat draped over heavily worn N7 Armor approaches from the shadows.
Future!Shepard (in a rough voice): Certainly. Past me, this is the mission where everything changes.
The other figures walk from the display and reveal their faces from under their hoods. Aged counterparts of Garrus, Wrex, Grunt, Joker, Samara, Ashley, Captain Anderson, Miranda, Mordin, A Hanar, Legion, Liara, and, last but not least, a collector.
Present!Shepard (Aims at the collector, squadmates Tali and Garrus follow suit): You! What the hell! You're all supposed to be dead!
Future!Shepard(stepping in front of Present!Shepard's rifle): Easy, kid. The Drone's with us.
Present!Shepard(unfazed): Yeah? It's a damn collector! Also, who are you calling kid?
Drone: I escaped the detonation of the Base's reactor. I… felt the death of my species on a conscious level. Screams of a thousand souls, dying free. Shepard killed my species, But I blindly followed him through the omega 4 relay, in the hopes of having a leader again. I found Shepard nearly 15 years after the base's destruction. For the record, I am no longer under reaper control.
Present!Shepard lowers his gun.
Present!Shepard: Who's the hanar?
Blasto: This one's Face Name, and Spectre Alias is "Blasto".
Present!Shepard: … What.
Blasto: This one understands your suspicion. The holovids depicting this one's supposed exploits are part of a disinformation campaign designed to force enemies to disbelieve the fact that this one is, indeed, a real Spectre.
Present!Garrus: Well, this is… interesting. Seeing old me is… Say, I thought I looked ugly, but you're missing a few pieces of your fringe there… not to mention a hand.
Future!Garrus: Ummm, yeah - About that. In about a few weeks, you might want to keep one eye pointed behind you.
Present!Garrus: Why?
Future!Garrus: Oh, No reason in particular…
Future!Shepard: Listen, past everyone: we've got a lot of tedious exposition to get through, and not nearly enough time to do it. So-
Future!Wrex: Shepard.
Present!Shepard: Wrex?
Future!Wrex: Shepard?
Present!Shepard: Wrex!
Future!Grunt: Who's this, Shepard?
Present!Shepard: Erm… Grunt?
Future!Wrex: You haven't told him, Shepard?
Present!Shepard: Wre-
Future!Shepard: SHUT UP! GOD DAMN IT! JUST SHUT UP!
Present!Shepard + Future!Wrex + Future!Grunt: 0_0
Future!Shepard: Jesus Christ, guys. I thought I'd never have to go through that shit again. I swea-
Drone(in Harbinger's voice): ASSUMING… DIRECT… CONTROL! IF I HAVE TO TEAR YOU APART, SHEPARD(s), I WILL!
Future!+Present!Shepard+everyone else there: Oh shit!
Drone: Just kidding.
Future!Shepard smacks Drone upside its insectoid head, continues talking.
Future!Shepard: To summarize what happened here: about 30 years from now, the Normandy SR-4 is on this planet, its crew taking some much-needed shore leave. Can you believe this place was a frickin' jungle in that era?
Anyway, An experiment being performed at a local Geth laboratory being headed by a certain platform (looks at Legion, Legion bows head in shame) managed to somehow crap this whole planet out back in time to one of the first Reaper cycles. From before even the Prothean Empire. Mind you, this was IN THE MIDDLE of the frickin invasion. (Legion looks aside) We managed to put all the mass effect generators on the planet into a network to put us in a "sinkhole" of mass, effectively hiding from the Reapers. We managed to survive for a few months until we remembered the event that is happening right now, and the apocalypse to come.
On a related note, Stable time loops are hell to make any sense out of. In any case, we took direct control-
Drone: ASSUMED DIRECT CONTROL!
Future!Shepard: …stop that. We made the factories start making our little project in the thousands, Then the Millions. Over 25 years had passed, and we had 500 Billion of these little guys.
Present!Shepard: Of what?
Future!Garrus: Reaper-Killers. Small autonomous AI constructs which could absorb molecules and build themselves into bodies more powerful than the Reapers. They were programmed to protect life. All forms of life… and to answer directly to the Citadel…
Then we realized that was a terrible idea and changed the programming to merely keep the peace after the Reapers were destroyed. Again, after the Reapers were destroyed. By the reaper-killers.
Future!Tali: However, they would not blindly obey orders from anyone. In light of tons of cover-ups and… stuff that resulted on this planet, we agreed that they should operate as a completely separate entity. They would be galactic peacekeepers, but would not answer to the council or any one race.
Future!Shepard: ESPECIALLY, that one damn Turian councilor.
Present!Shepard: Oh, the "Ah yes, 'Reapers'" Guy?
Future!Shepard: That's the one.
Future!Garrus: Even for a Politician, that guy is exceptionally stupid and foolhardy. And that's coming from a turian who held off the combined mercenary forces of Omega for weeks. With nothing but a sniper rifle. Left handed.
Across the galaxy, in the Citadel, one Turian Councilor feels a massive amount of fear and anxiety, but shrugs it off as he also had a dream of there being two Shepards, or something. Crazy nightmares!
Present!Joker(Over radio): Umm… commander? You OK down there? You guys are awfully quiet.
Present!Shepard: Yeah, Joker. There's come pretty crazy stuff down here involving time travel, and some interesting anti-reaper weapons. Oh, and duplicates of us from the future are here.
Present!Joker: Really, commander? That's awesome! EDI, you hear that?
EDI: Yes, Jeff. I did. I hear everything the Normandy hears. However, Commander, I must recommend extreme caution. Time Travel is a very dangerous activity, and there is the possibility that these copies of us are, in fact, frauds.
Future!Joker(Snatching the commander's radio): EDI, you always were the Spock to my Kirk, and there's something my counterpart who's sitting at your helm never mentioned.
Present!Joker: EDI, I think he might me telling the truth, there's no need to…
EDI: Oh, no. Please, future Jeff. Go on…
Future!Joker: When I laid my eyes on your ample hull, I never thought you'd turn out to be such a good friend to me… but you have… and I like to think of you as my wife.
EDI (Virtually Blushing): Well, Jeff… You never mention-
Future!Joker: Eventually, we made it official. Shepard campaigned to make Organic-Synthetic Marriage legal, and-
Present!Joker(Panicking): !