This idea popped into my head last summer, and It's been sitting on my computer ever since. Granted I've been working on it instead of my other posted fics, and been feeling incredibly guitly about it, so I figured I should just post it and get it over with.

This is a slightly more AU universe, not as AU as some of my other fics, but still different. So, you've been warned, alright?

Circle Nine
"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real"
(Nine Inch Nails, "Hurt")

She didn't dare turn on the light. She couldn't bare to look at herself one more time. As long as she kept the light off, she wouldn't see, and as long as she couldn't see, she could pretend a little longer.

She took another swig of her beer, feeling it as it slithered down her dry throat and into the pit of her stomach. Slowly she felt her eyes wander down at her feet, down into a small, almost empty bottle. And she let herself become entranced once again by its intoxicating promise: beauty.

With a shaky hand, she picked up the bottle, dumping out the last of its contents haphazardly on to the floor in front of her. She picked two of the small pills up, her hand shaking uncontrollably now, and brought them up to her lips. She slid both pills into her wet lips, then brought back up her beer, swallowing down the pair of so-called miracle pills.

If only miracles weren't the makings of fairytales. Lies really. All lies.

Then she picked up another pair, she had eaten so much that day. She had to get rid of all of it. She had been so good, she was losing weight. But she still was so fat. Fat. Fat. Fat!

She took another swig of the beer and pills. Then, feeling somewhat content, let her head fall back, leaning it against the pink wall behind her. She looked over to where she had charted her progress secretly, just behind her headboard, where only people who were looking for something could see. Her eyes wandered until they managed to fall upon the last entry: 120. She still wasn't there yet. She still wasn't beautiful.

Just a little longer. Then she'd be beautiful. Then she would turn on the light.

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