"Crossovers That Should Never Be Done..."
By Jim Robert Bader
(Featuring Characters and Concepts created by Rumiko Takahashi/Time Cops care of my "Realities" series)
Nexus of Realities-Time Patrol Central HQ
"Hey, Nabby, Kid," Ranma cheerfully addressed his newlywed wife and adopted daughter, "What's up with the both of you?"
"Oh, nothing much, Ran-kun," Nabiki just as cheerfully replied, pronouncing the affectionate nick-name as though she meant "Raccoon," "I was just showing Ranko how the systems run from my operations console. I figure that she will have to know these things by the time she graduates from the Academy, and there's no time to start like the present."
Hey Pop," Ranko grinned, "Check this out! Did you know that you can run simulation games in Mom's substation computer? Pretty neat, huh?"
"Yeah, I've heard about that," Ranma frowned when he noticed the way the two women were staring with eyes glued to the console, "You running a scenario now?"
"Uhuh," Nabiki just smiled, "We've been trying out several programs for simulated worlds that might exist as possible alternate timelines. We started out with a pretty basic scenario and worked out way down testing different viable options."
"Now I'm suddenly worried," Ranma admitted, "Let me guess...you want to see how many different ways my life can be screwed, just like those Gods with their endless Bets were doing to those various timelines?"
"Better than that, Pop," Ranko grinned, "Try imagining yourself as a person living in some alternate time and place. Have a look at the scenario that Mom's playing right now, she's got you pegged as a real swinger."
"A real swinger?" Ranma moved to position himself so that he could stare past Nabiki's shoulder, and then he gave a very heartfelt groan, "No way...you have GOT to be kidding...!"
I.
Tarzan 1/2
Darkest Africa-Turn of the Century (1902 AD)
"Pop, what are we doing out here?" asked a six year old John Tanaka Clayton of his Explorer Father, John Clayton Sr.
"Foraging for food, Boy," his father (who looked remarkably a lot like a Gaijin version of Genma, except for the pith helmet and short baggy pants), "Ever since we got stranded when that ship went aground on the reefs we've had to rough it for basic provisions. We're a bit short of everything, you see, like fresh drinking water, food and shelter, to say nothing of all the tea that got wasted with the rest of our cargo..."
"But I don't like being away from Mom for very long," little John remarked, "The jungle is so big and scary..."
"Nonsense, Boy," his father replied, "Just remember, you're a Clayton! And besides which, you're half-Japanese on your mother's side, which is pure Samurai, and you've been studying the manly arts of combat since you've been old enough to crawl. There is nothing that the two of us cannot face together with stout hearts and able minds...OH-excuse me, terribly sorry about..."
The big fur carpet which the elder Clayton had just bumped into turned around and roared his outrage, startling both father and son so much that they had to both make a large back step in order to take in the immense size and overall mass of the creature that was currently protesting their unexpected presence.
Old Koraak was a shaggy-toothed Bull of an ancient Gorilla, well on in years and past his prime as such things were judged for members of his particular branch of the Anthropoid family tree. Being a bit hard of hearing, he'd failed to notice the elder Clayton until the man was literally on top of him (some feat as Koraak himself stood a head over the senior Clayton), but now that he was aware of the two humans in their midst he roared an angry warning to the rest of the tribe, which brought family members running and swinging in from all directions.
All at once the jungle parted around them to reveal other such dark and hairy creatures. The Senior Clayton had to take stock of the rather daunting numbers of the creatures that seemed to appear from all directions, but as he tried to take stock of this rather unexpected situations, Koraak had just finished taking stock of him and made his immediate protest of the intrusion known by slamming a brutish arm into John Clayton's midsection, sending the man crashing through the woods for a good long distance.
"POP!" little John cried, out, but as he started to turn to see what had become of his father, Koraak was drawn to take notice of his immediate existence, which prompted the giant ape-like creature to rear back at his most fearsome height, preparing to dish out punishment to the cub of the annoying hairless creature that had dared to intrude on a senior citizen's nap time.
But all at once another hair form moved like a blur and a female Gorilla was there blocking the intended strike. Koraak halted his hair arms just inches away from striking against the female, whom he belatedly recognized as his own daughter through the red haze of his anger.
"No, Father!" Kala begged, "Do not harm this one, he is only a child!"
Koraak fought for self control, but fortunately his temper abated as Kerchak, their tribal leader, arrived on the scene to arbitrate the matter.
"What goes on here?" the large Bull Gorilla-leader demanded, "Koraak, why do you disturb the tribe like this...and Kala...what is that hiding behind you?"
"Nothing," the she-Ape replied with a serenely bland expression, "Just an infant human..."
"A HUMAN?" Kerchak reacted, "Are you crazy?"
"No, I won't let anyone harm him," Kala replied firmly, "He's only a little one...like the one we lost..." she did not continue.
Kerchak bit off an abrupt response that came to his Simian forebrow, realizing how moody and morose Kala had been since losing a son to the Jungle. It was enough to make him temper his thoughts a little as he tried to come up with some reasonable way of resolving the issue.
"If you wish it so, then no one will harm the human child," Kerchak said grudgingly, "But you must return him to his own kind...he does not belong with us or the Jungle..."
"His own kind?" Kala asked with a lifting of forebrows, "What other of his own kind? I see no one here, do you?"
Kerchak started to say one thing but instead turned and said another over his shoulder, "What has become of the elder sire to this young cub?"
"Search us, Leader," one of the younger male Gorillas said, "One minute he was standing there, the next thing we knew he was airborne."
"Old Koraak there hit him pretty hard," said another, "Lost sight of him when he went over that ridge over there, the one overlooking that really steep valley."
"You mean the one with all the really sharp rocks at the bottom?" yet another (this time female) Gorilla asked..
"Yeah, that's the one."
Kerchak bit off a low-murmured growl that made other Gorillas around him blanche with dismay and cover the ears of their younger children. It was just like Old Koraak to fly off the handle and do something rash like that...the former leader of the herd had an ingrown bad temper to match his rheumatism, and it was only out of sentiment to his ancient father that Koraak had not been driven away, as most young Bulls would do to their sires when they became leaders. With great resolve Kerchak weighted his options, beginning with a fervent desire to toss the cub into the gulch with his father, but one look at the defiance in Kala's eyes was enough to make him understand what she would think of that suggestion. At last he sighed and said, "All right...you can keep him for now, but you'll have to clean up after him, and if he makes a mess..."
Kala beamed happily, "Thank you, Oh, thank you, Great Kerchak! I knew that you would see the wisdom of letting me keep him!"
The female Gorilla hugged the male while little John stood where he was with an extremely puzzled expression. It seemed to him as if these strange, hairy creatures were somehow communicating with each other through a series of gestures, grunts and facial expressions. He was petrified with the fear of what they might be planning to do with him...did Gorilla's eat little boys? That one who had struck his father sure looked mean and nasty!
"I'm going to regret this," Kerchak sighed in resignation, proving that Gorillas-like humans-could sometimes be amazingly precognitive, no doubt a shared Anthropological survival trait in both related species.
Unknown and unseen by the Gorilla herd, however, a very-much-alive John Clayton was presently hanging upside down and was quite thoroughly entangled in some vines lacing a tall tree near the bottom of that gulch. Battered, bruised and utterly bewildered, he called out into the jungle at large, "Hello? Excuse me, anyone about? You see...I seem to be in a bit of a spot here...could someone cut me down? John Junior? Nodoka? Anyone? Oh dear..."
"THAT is your idea of a viable alternate universe?" Ranma blanched, "Dumping an equivalent of me in the middle of some jungle?"
"Well, that's the basic operating scenario here," Nabiki replied, "I call it the Edgar Rice Burroughs (tm) scenario where you are raised by a tribe of friendly Apes to be one of their own, which-coupled with your early training in Kempo by your Japanese mother-which enables you to grow up a strong and capable survivor."
"The set-up is simple enough to figure out, Pop," Ranko added, "In this timeline-scenario, an Englishman named John Clayton traveled to Japan and met a Japanese woman named Nodoka and won her heart...which I admit is kind of flimsy given the way most Japanese of noble birth tended to feel about foreigners in those days, but-anyway-their son gets lost for ten years growing up in the jungle, while the older John Clayton has to explain to his wife that he lost their only son to a savage pack of wild beasts. A tearful scene follows, they make up, then get rescued. Ten years later they come back to search for the remains of their kid, only they bring along some old friends of theirs from Japan...and three guesses who that is."
"Yeah, so Pop engaged me to the Tendo daughters here too, huh?" Ranma glanced at Nabiki, "So what about the rest of it? No way I could get to Jusenkyo from Africa, so that means I don't got a curse here, right?"
"That is where you would be wrong, Ran-kun," Nabiki grinned (a sight that usually set Ranma into a state of momentary panic), "Observe this next scenario, which complicates things just nicely..."
"Who do you think they are, Tarzan?" asked Turk, Tarzan's best friend among his gorilla family, "They look a little like you..."
"What? No way!" Tarzan scowled as he studied the outskirts of the curious village that he and his friend had discovered, "I mean...yeah, they're hairless like me, but they've got the wrong kind of coloring. We might be related, but probably no more so than me and Tantor."
"I'd say you're a lot closer to them than you are to me, Old Buddy," Turk gave his friend that mischievous grin that suggested real trouble was in the offing, "What say we go in there and find out if they really do have as much in common. We could have some fun while we're at it."
Tarzan just grunted, deciding that a bit of sport with these hairless dark-skins might liven up a day, provided that he and Turk stayed away from those sharp, pointy things that the tribesmen seemed to all carry, and how was he to know that the hut which he would choose to soon visit was the one that belonged to the village shaman, a nasty old codger with a really wicked sense of humor...
"Ah no!" Ranma covered his face, "You've got to be kidding me...!"
"Well, it wouldn't exactly be a story about you, Pop, if it didn't involve you winding up with a curse, right?" Ranko asked him sweetly.
"Yeah...but this...I mean, c'mon!" Ranma groaned, "Talking gorillas? What is this, a Disney movie?"
"Well, we do have to stay close to the basic outline of the original source material," Nabiki pointed out, "No sense having the Burroughs foundation get on our case about deviation of concept."
"And what's all this supposed to prove anyway?" Ranma asked, "That a bunch of dirty apes could do a better job of raising me than Pop did?"
Nabiki liked to pride herself for running a clean Com-station, so there was no way that the sounds of crickets chirruping could be heard in the ensuing silence...it was probably just a figment of their collective imagination.
"Heh," Ranma smirked, "Okay...so that WAS a dumb question...but...what's the idea of having this Turk guy get turned into a human?"
"Unintended side-effect," Ranko explained, "The same curse that turned you female turned him into a human...and the trigger here is still hot and cold water. You guys escape from an angry village of seriously annoyed natives and go tromping off in the direction of an unexplored part of the forest. There you wind up in a long-lost city called Opar, which is inhabited by a tribe of Amazon warriors..."
"Oh come on!" Ranma groaned, "Chinese Amazons in Africa?"
"Not Chinese," Nabiki corrected, "These are the Nubian branch of the Amazons, the ones who fled south instead of East at the end of the Bronze Era. Here you meet up with a group of black African warrior women who are having a contest, and-being the hungry types that you are-you and Turk wind up eating the victory feast of the winner..."
"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Ranma growled, "Sadist."
"Just staying true to the pattern," Nabiki replied, turning back to her console, "Now, let's skip on ahead to where my family equivalent, the Savages, join up with you and we have our fateful encounter..."
"Excuse me for asking this, Clayton, old boy..." said retired Brigadier General Clark Savage Sr. of his old Army buddy, "But where the duce are you leading us? This doesn't look like any regular trail that I've ever heard of."
"Well, it has been over ten years, and I had quite a bump on my noggin at the time when I'd last staggered out of this beastly hell-hole," John responded, "But I'm rather certain that this is the way John Junior and I came last. I know it's a lot to hope that the boy would still be alive after all those years, but Madam Blavatski was rather emphatic on that point, and since I'd hardly want to upset my wife over such things, I needed to humor her on this, yes?"
"Can't fault your reasoning, Old Sport," Clark replied, "And for the sake of our promise to unite the families, I certainly do hope that you are right. 'Twould be a shame to have to wait another ten years until Clark Junior is old enough to wed your only surviving daughter..."
"Yes, quite," John agree, glancing back over his shoulder to see how closely his wife, Nodoka, was guarding their little girl, the one conceived when they had last been in this very jungle, and the primary reason why he had been able to talk her out of ritual seppuku (both his and hers, of course).
Little Rebecca Ranko Clayton was a bright eyed and inquisitive redhead whose large blue eyes were full of openness and wonder. All of nine years old she was quite agile and quick witted, though she did not mind traveling close on the heels of her mother. She was staring at a passing butterfly while carrying her own knapsack while shouldering another one belonging to her mother (who liked to keep her arms free...just in case she needed to use the katana at her side to discourage any wild thing which might make a play for her daughter). Little Ranko was extremely strong and perky for her age and tended to be extraordinarily alert in most situations, such as when she turned her eyes and saw something looking down at her from a branch far overhead...a curious wild creature who seemed somehow disturbingly familiar...
"Oh my," said Catherine Porter Savage as she fanned herself with a borrowed Japanese fan supplied by her "Aunt Nodoka," "It is a bit humid around here. Father, how long until we can stop to make camp? It will be time to make dinner before too long..."
"Just a bit farther, dear!" Clark Senior called back to his eldest daughter, "Clayton says they have an abandoned house that he and Nodoka built when they were stranded here ten years ago. Should be coming up on it at any minute..."
"You said that two hours ago," bitterly complained Natalie Porter Savage, "It's way too hot around here, Daddy, and my feet are tired! Next time would you PLEASE let me do the travel arrangements?"
"I don't know what you're complaining about," growled Jane Porter Savage, the youngest of the three daughters, "I'm the one who got stuck looking after the baby!"
"Now Jane," Nodoka gently chided, "That's no way to talk about your little brother..."
"I don't care!" Jane frowned, "He's weird, and way too quiet! All he does is study and work out and practice exercising all day long...I mean, I believe in working out and all that, but two hours a day just doing pushups?"
Clark Savage Junior just looked inquisitively at his older sister, all of twelve years old and yet possessed of a mind far more advanced even than a young man more than twice his age, "If it bothers you so much, why do you practice with me all the time, Jane-san?"
"Quit that with the San already!" Jane complained, "Dad, he's teasing me by pretending he's Japanese!"
"Now Jane," her father chided, "You're both students of Sensei Nodoka, so mind your manners. We wouldn't want the people in these foreign parts to think that the Savages are savages, now would you?"
"Of course not," Jane fumed, "It's just that...MMMMPPPH!"
"Sister?" Clark Junior turned around and stared in astonishment as a hairy wild man picked up his older sister and carried her aloft into a tree.
"Huh?" Natalie glanced back in annoyance, "What did she do now, trip over a tree root? Huh? Where'd she go?"
"I think the wild boy took her," Ranko spoke up, remembering the familiar-
looking eyes that had been staring at her from the concealment of the bushes.
"Wild boy?" Nodoka asked with a peculiarly hopeful expression.
"That way!" Clark Junior pointed to the canopy over their heads, "A hairy man made off with Jane-san, I think I see him heading that way!"
"WHAT?" Clark Senior reacted with typical fatherly panic, "JANE! My little girl! Where is she?"
"Someone has made off with Jane?" Nodoka fingered her katana in a way that made her husband suddenly quite nervous.
"Oh look," Katherine pointed at the trees, "I see another figure moving through the branches, I think she's chasing after the first one and Jane..."
"Another figure?" Natalie did a double-take and glanced at her older sister, "Did you say SHE?"
"Why yes," Katherine blinked, "But the oddest thing...she looked a little bit like an older version of little Ranko."
"Nani?" Nodoka asked, blinking her eyes in amazement.
"What did I tell you about this place, Savage old boy," John remarked, "It's weirder than London on Saint Albany's day..."
"You did indeed warn me of this, old friend," the senior Savage glowered, "But whoever has taken my little girl will soon regret it, mark my word!"
"Then what are we waiting for, Father?" little Clark inquired, "We must follow her before something bad happens to my sister..."
"Jane Porter Savage?" Ranma eyed his wife with a curious expression.
"Well, after all," Nabiki smiled back, "What would a story like this be like if someone didn't try to kidnap Akane...?"
"Turk, this has got to stop!" the pigtailed redhead in the loincloth (lower body only with nothing covering her on top), "I know you're upset because the rest of the tribe is having a hard time adjusting to the new you, but taking this hairless white girl from her tribe is a little much, don't you think?"
"I don't care," Turk said sullenly, glancing down at his entirely male and human body, "You've seen the way the girls in our tribe look at me while I'm like this? I'm hideous! I look like you, only worse!"
"Oh yeah?" the redhead scowled, "How worse?"
"Well...you know..." Turk sulked, staring at his smooth, featureless body, which was knotted with muscles and looked almost as hardy as his regular body, "I mean...you're used to looking like this, or you were...now you look kind of bumpy up front, and you no longer have that deformed thing between your legs..."
"Oh, you mean like the one you've got now," Tarzan shot back, "The ones that Kerchak insists we both wear covering to conceal so we don't shock the ladies..."
Jane groaned as she checked the bump on her head, slowly regaining consciousness as she listened to the incoherent grunts and growls taking place a short distance away. To her amazement she saw a beautiful (and topless) redhead shamelessly wearing nothing but a loin cloth arguing heatedly with some incredibly handsome boy who was also wearing a loin cloth, both speaking in guttural sounds and making waving gestures in her direction.
"Where...am I?" she asked faintly to herself.
"Oh now look, you've gone and waken her up," Turk said disgustedly, "Some best friend you are..."
"What do you mean I woke her up?" Tarzan flared, "You're the one who kidnapped her! And what did you want with this scrawny little hairless ape anyway? The tall one was better looking..."
"You wouldn't understand," Turk shook his head stubbornly, "And besides, she may be small but she's almost built as good as a gorilla..."
A large wooden mallet impacted over the head of the handsome man-ape, flattening him. Jane may not have understood the language that these two were using but she did know by tone when she had been insulted.
"Stop talking about me like I'm not even here!" Jane flared, "And what the hell kind of language are you using anyway?"
"Huh?" Tarzan blinked, then very stumbling said, "You...speak...familiar...me no remember..."
"Whoah!" Jane blinked her eyes, "You can speak English? That's great! Can you tell me where I am?"
"Um...you here," Tarzan pointed at the ground.
"No, I mean...where am I...like on a map," Jane paused and then hesitantly asked, "You...do know what a map is, right?"
"Map?" Tarzan replied in blank incomprehension.
Jane just rolled her eyes and said, "Hooboy..."
"Look," Ranma insisted, "The talking apes and shaman curses I can understand, but what's with the giant mallets?"
"Uh...yeah...heheh...how did that get in there?" Nabiki glanced nervously at her console.
"And why the heck am I in my cursed body when I'm first meeting with Akane here?" Ranma continued, "Isn't that what started the whole mess between us in the first place?"
"Well, after all, Pop," Ranko grinned, "Do you know how hard it is to get hot water in a jungle?"
"Yeah...okay," Ranma conceded, "But why am I talking like Shampoo here?"
"You mean La, the High Priestess of the Amazons of Opar," Ranko winked, "Who-
might I add-is hot for your male body, which is another reason why you're currently hiding out as a female."
"Besides," Nabiki's smile deepened, "Who says I'm going to let you have her or Akane in this story? No way, this is my fantasy, I want to have my character get in on the action."
"Oh yeah?" Ranma eyed his wife curiously, "Like how?"
"You'll see," Nabiki turned back to the monitor display and keyed in a few more commandments for her console...
"Nice going, Daddy," Natalie complained, "You stop for directions and the next thing we know we're surrounded and captured by a tribe of vicious cannibals. I hope you're happy."
"Er...would it help if I said that I was sorry?" Clark asked of his best friends and daughters.
"Oh father," Catherine rolled her eyes, "At least Ranko and Clark Junior managed to escape, while poor Jane is still somewhere out there..."
"I do say, Old Chap," John remarked as he studied their current position, tied to various wooden posts with Nodoka and Catherine on one side, Clark and Natalie on the other, "Bit of a sticky wicket, eh wot? How do we get out of this one this time?"
"If I could only reach my katana," Nodoka wistfully complained. This being tied up in a bondage setting was not everything it was cracked up to be in her opinion. The ropes might be holding her kimono close to her body in a way that was rather becoming, but it was a bit hard taking a deep breath for the way the natives had tied them.
"Daddy," Natalie growled, "I'll have you know that if we get killed and eaten, I'm never speaking to you again."
"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that," one of the natives suddenly spoke up in perfect King's English, "We're not planning on eating you...at least, not right away. We're simply holding you as hostages for ransom with the British government, so aside from a bit of inconvenience, you'll be treated as honored guests of our humble village."
Both Savages and Claytons stared in disbelief at the man in full dress regalia who had so addressed them, John being the first to break the silence by asking, "Um...excuse me? You speak English?"
"Oxford trained," the man beamed at them proudly, "I was sent to London on a scholarship to study Western Medicine, but I opted to return to my roots for more traditional herbal practices. How do you do, my name is M'Tofu, Junior Medicine Man of this, the humble village of the Nasai Nerima."
"But...I don't understand," Clark puzzled, "You're not some primitive headhunter?"
"No, that's my uncle," M'Tofu hooked a thumb at a particularly nasty looking tribal Shaman, "He's the local head shrink, and by that I do mean shrinking heads, of course. Myself, I'm not into all that dark and evil magic, I much prefer the white kind myself..."
"Oh my," Catharine eyed the handsome black man in an almost speculative manner, "And...do you prefer anything else that is...white?"
"Um...huh?" M'Tofu took a longer look at the slender tied up girl standing before him, as if only just recognizing her as a lady for the first time, and unconsciously he straightened out a bit and said, "Um...well...that all depends, you see..."
"M'Tofu!" the nasty looking elder shaman barked, stepping forward to glare at the Savages and Porters, "Barbarian outlanders, we know why you are here invading our jungle! You are Colonial Imperialists seeking to debase our lands and plunder it of riches, taking the wealth of the Earth for yourselves while forcing us to carry your water..."
"Er...well..." John replied, "The part about being Imperialists is certainly accurate, but we're not here to colonize anybody and...did you say wealth and riches?"
"Please, we mean you no harm," Clark hastily spoke up, "Let us go, or at least the women..."
"Silence!" the Shaman barked harshly, "For many years the White Man has come to see our land as merely property that they can take from us without asking, but no longer! We, the Anti-Imperialist National Underground are taking a stand for what is ours by right of occupation! We will make an example of you so that other white Devils who might follow you will know the price that must be paid for your evil trespass! We of the Anarco-Socialist Anti-Capitalist movement will strike a blow against Colonialism and the Capitalistic mindset that has enslaved our people and forced us to dig out the earth for the sake of maintaining your decadent Imperialist lifestyle..."
"On God," Natalie rolled her eyes, "We've been kidnapped by Bolshevik Africans...I think I liked it better when they were cannibals..."
"SILENCE!" the Shaman barked, "I haven't finished my dialectic! Now, as I was saying..."
"Oh my...what's that?" Catherine cocked one ear as if listening to something in the distance.
"What's what, Sis?" Natalie asked her older sibling.
"Oh...nothing," Catherine just smiled, "I was hoping to find some way of changing the subject to something besides politics."
The colossal sound of an entire village performing a facefault was filled a moment later by a very different sound, like a blood curdling yodel from some deranged Scandinavian mountain climber falling off the side of a large mountain.
"Now I'm hearing it too," Nodoka remarked, "And...strange...does anyone else seem to think that the earth is moving under their feet?"
"Not now, my dear," John tactfully murmured to his wife, "This is hardly the time or place for that..."
"Oh my...I feel it too," Catherine blinked, "Like a herd of stampeding wild elephants were coming this way rather abruptly..."
"Nonsense, my dear," Clark chided his daughter, "Elephants are not native to this part of Africa."
"Are you sure about that, Daddy?" Natalie paled, "Because I can see a whole lot of nothing, and it's coming this way fast!"
"Eh?" M'Tofu blinked his eyes and exclaimed, "My word...!"
"Okay, this is just getting too silly and weird for me," Ranma interrupted, "Stampeding elephants, Anarco-revolutionary natives, and now I'm seeing a nine year old version of you, Kid, riding on the back of an elephant with that sandy-
haired bookworm...and there's me swooping down from the trees with a bunch of gorillas to play cavalry coming to the rescue?"
"Yeah, ain't it great?" Ranko grinned in obvious approval.
"I think it's rather sweet myself," Nabiki smirked, "Sure it's far-fetched, but is it any moreso than what life was like in the Nerima we knew? You see, Tarzan saves the day, rescues the Claytons and Savages from the savages, then everybody gets a big tearful reunion at the end. You get your mom and dad back, introduce them to your Ape family, then Jane gets Turk, M'Tofu gets Catherine and little old me links up with the missing link of the family, namely you. All neat and tidy at the end, right up until the usual zaniness arrives to break up the monopoly..."
"Like beautiful and buxom La," Ranko grinned, "Who looks and acts just like Aunt Shampoo, if you overlook the skin and hair pigmentation, not to mention the lack of Chinese-style clothing."
"You've been spending way too much time in the DBS timeline," Ranma growled at his amorous adopted daughter.
"So she reminds me a little of Silver," Ranko shrugged, "Is that a problem?"
"And you call this giving her a proper education?" Ranma asked of his wife.
"Well, showing her the ropes means acquainting our daughter with the finer points of alternate universe manipulation," Nabiki responded, "But this is only one possible scenario that we've been helping to construct together...would you care for another example?"
"I shudder to ask," Ranma grumbled, "But what next do you two have lined up at the expense of my dignity?"
"Show him, Mom," Ranko nodded, "Run the Siegal and Shuster program that we worked up just a little while ago."
"An excellent choice, Ranko-chan," Nabiki replied as she merrily punched up a new program, and once more a holographic images appeared above the monitor console at her station...
II.
Kryptonian 1/2
Kansas-1928
Saotome Genma was a migrant worker on a Midwestern farm in the days before the Great Depression. He and his wife, Nodoka, had left Japan many years before after a dispute with his family over the inheritance of their traditional dojo, and they were fortunate to get in before the United States Congress tightened immigration laws to specifically exclude Asians, and since most other lines of work were forbidden to Chinese and Japanese citizens, being a farm laborer for the Kents was a matter of happy serendipity. For all that they were content to live as foreigners in "The Land of the Free," they were dirt poor and barely struggling to make an existence together. Unfortunately their marriage was (as yet) largely childless, and that weighed heavily on Genma's consciousness whenever he saw her looking at some other happy family playing with their children.
But one day, while delivering supplies from the local town of Smallville, a chance came to change all that when he and his wife saw a meteorite come crashing down very close to the Kent's truck that they were driving. Against the sage council of Genma, who wanted nothing to do with any crashing foreign objects from another planet, Nodoka had been drawn to the sound of a baby's crying, and-sure enough-they discovered an infant in the cornfields next to the damaged space rocket. A brief debate broke out over what to do over the matter, but as Genma could never truly bring himself to say no to Nodoka (especially since she still kept their family sword upon the mantle) he eventually caved in and acceded to her wishes.
Having to explain to the Kents how they had suddenly acquired a two-year-old son from seeming no where took a bit of ingenuity on his part, but Genma was nothing if not creative in the art of telling tall ones.
Of course the discovery that their newly acquired child was something more than just another potential farm hand came rather suddenly one day when Genma was working on a tractor, and little baby Ranma chose to play with his daddy's new tool by picking it up off its rack and holding it up for easier access that did not involve using a jack or some other mechanical contrivance.
After a bit of panicked realization of what this would mean if someone were to ask why their six-year-old boy was so amazingly strong, Genma confided in Nodoka that the real reason for their leaving Japan had to do with his desire to escape from the clutches of his perverted old master, and if word of the boy's unusual talent were ever to make it back to the Home Islands...well...it wasn't just the United States government that might have something to say about the matter.
(Genma scowls a bit before saying, "Nodoka, the Boy and me are going on a little trip, so start packing...")
Not trusting others to know what was best for his own adopted son, Genma was intent on being the one who decided how the boy was to be raised as a true Martial Artist. That was why he had firmly resolved to take the boy on an extended "Training Mission," stopping in from time to time to pay his wife a visit and allow her to measure their son's gradual development from boyhood to early manhood.
Of course this brought home the other realization which Genma had "conveniently" failed to tell Nodoka...about a certain agreement that he had made with a neighboring family concerning their son and three beautiful daughters, Lorelei, Lana and Lois, which was another reason for Genma and Ranma to keep busy on their periodic training missions which took them all over the world and even to the very depths of China...
"Okay," Ranma said, "So much for the prologue...now TELL ME that you don't plan to have Pop put this new version of me through the same stupid training cycle?"
"Well, you don't need to worry about the pit of cats," Nabiki smiled, "They couldn't scratch your invulnerable hide if they were armed with Adamantium claws. As for the rest...well...let me show you the second cycle..."
There once was a quiet, peaceful village known as Joketsuzoku, home to one branch of an ancient tribe of Nyanchiczu warriors who were led by the wise and beautiful Matriarch of their tribe, whose name was Cologne. Now Cologne-who was said to be well over two hundred years old (but didn't look a day over twenty-six) was a tall and proud woman of cobalt blue hair, the gift (some whispered) of divine parentage (though no one was bold-or rash-enough to ask to confirm this). Cologne had a beautiful and intelligent daughter whose name was Xian-Pu, said to be blessed by the Gods with unusual strength, speed and fortitude, enough so that she quite easily became Champion of their tribe's annual competition, and would go on to defeat the champions of other Nyanchiczu tribes, thus proving her lineage was the greatest of all Houses.
But then one day strangers came to the lands of the Middle Kingdom, barbarians who called themselves the Japanese Empire, and they threatened the lands of Manchuria and China, enough so that even the Amazons became concerned with these foreign invaders. Some argued that they needed to help defend China from invasion, while others argued for their traditional isolation. Cologne weighed the issue on both sides and took a middle course of action, arguing for time and patience to see if the war would go badly, and-if so-to decide when and where the Amazons themselves might make a difference.
Then one day Kwon Ying, the Goddess of Mercy herself, appeared before Cologne and warned her that the Amazons would be destroyed unless a champion of their tribe stepped forth to assume the mantle of the Defender of all China. Xian-Pu was selected to be this champion, and she took up the sacred cause and garments given to her by the Goddess, becoming the Wonder Woman of China. With her natural abilities enhanced by the divine grants of the ancient Gods, she sallied forth to do battle with the barbarian Japanese, to right the wrongs that others dared not handle, to bring justice and restore peace to the land while avenging the wrongs done to the innocent and the blameless.
One day the paths of two great champions collided, for it so happened that Genma and Ranma were taking a tour of central China during one of the worse epochs of battle that were being waged between the Japanese and an American-manned contingent of heroic mercenaries known popularly as the "Flying Tigers." Xian-
Pu was assisting the Tigers in their aerial raids, having mastered the art of flying an airplane (which was also given divine grants by the Goddess of Mercy, rendering it Stealth capable) when she chanced to mistake a boy named Ranma for a Japanese civilian.
"You outlander!" an angry (and levitating) Xian-Pu declared, "Prepare to meet your fate at the righteous hands of my justice!
"Hey, what are you getting mad at me for?" a flying Ranma protested, "Just 'cause I got a Japanese name don't mean I've got anything to do with those guys invading your country!"
To her amazement the flying boy proved more capable as a fighter than even her own intrepid invisible airplane, and after a very brief dogfight she was downed, her fighter rescued at the last minute by the very boy whom she had been attempting to shoot out of the sky, and thereafter the two of them sparred in a mighty hand-to-hand brawl that ended with him the victor, much to Xian-Pu's considerable amazement.
"Look," Ranma said as he glanced down at the defeated Amazon, "I'm sorry, I didn't wanna hurt you, but you forced..."
"Wo ai ni," Xian-Pu replied, putting her arms around him and planting a kiss that caused his pig-tail to curl upward...
Ranma covered his eyes and said, "Why is it I could see this coming a mile away?"
"It gets even better," Ranko smiled, "Aunt Shampoo takes you home to see her mother, she decides you'd make a pretty good addition to their bloodline. You object, ask how you can get out of this match, and Cologne challenges you to prove your worth by dueling against her at the Springs of Jusenkyo, and guess what? She turns out to be a lot better than you expected."
"Net result: one cursed Ranma," Nabiki smiled, "It seems that your other self here, being Kryptonian, is vulnerable to magic, and curses don't get much more perverse than at Jusenkyo, so now you switch back and forth with a blonde version of yourself who has all of your powers and abilities, which are far beyond those of ordinary martial artists."
"Okay, so I can leap tall buildings and change the course of mighty rivers," Ranma remarked, "Doesn't sound like I'd have much of a challenge with the regular crowd of well wishers who used to make my life so interesting in Nerima."
"That is where you would be wrong, Pop!" Ranko grinned, "Show him the other files, Mom."
"Coming right up," Nabiki keyed in a sequence of commands and called up the file image of one Hibiki Ryoga...
Los Angeles-1932
Once there was a happy and contented child who had two loving parents who looked after him and meant the world to young Hibiki Ryoga, but one day his world was shattered when they were attacked by a gang of street thugs in the Little Tokyo section of Los Angeles, and right before his eyes he saw them disappear in a hail of gunfire. When the smoke finally cleared there was no sign at all of his parents.
"Mom?" he asked hesitantly, "Dad? Where are you?"
Lost and abandoned, the little boy is found and adopted by a kindly couple who just happen to be visiting this city, and soon young Ryoga Wayne is growing up to be a strong and healthy young boy, one who trains excessively to heighten his physical and mental abilities to near superhuman (all right, WELL BEYOND SUPERHUMAN in the case of his physical properties) levels.
In all this time one thought dominates his every waking hour, "I must avenge my parents, their murder will not go unpunished!"
Of course his parents aren't really dead, just lost, but without any means of knowing this, the boy with superhuman strength grows up to become a world class fighter with average grades, but one who cannot seem to find him way past a straight line, no matter how many specialists his parents take him to see. At last, in desperation, they go to a private specialist, who is experimenting on a new kind of hormonal extract, one that he hopes will boost intelligence to above average levels.
"At last!" Ryoga cries, "I finally understand the secret decoder ring instructions on the back of Captain Mystery's cereal box!"
Of course he's still directionally challenged, but there's just so much that super-science (and Quack science at that) can do about certain problems. Nonetheless, Ryoga learns to navigate by paying attention to landmarks, and soon the boy is getting exceptionally good grades (well, at least as far as private tutoring can provide, and they tend to skew things a bit, eh?) and is ready to graduate with honors.
"Of course I still want to find out who killed my parents," Ryoga affirmed with a dark and brooding expression.
One day, nine years after their abrupt disappearance from his world, Ryoga contemplated what he was going to do with his life and family fortune. His adopted parents had "moved on to another level," it was not yet Pearl Harbor day, and he was officially listed as "White" on legal documents, so no one questioned his right to inherit the family fortune. The problem was what to do with his money to help avenge his parents.
"Criminal scum are a cowardly and superstitious lot," Ryoga brooded, "So what can I wear to strike terror in their hearts, to make them fear my wrath whenever they see me? Oh, hello, Percival," he commented to his favorite pet pig, only to do a quick double-take as an idea occurred to him there and then, and the next thing you know he calls out for the assistance of Alfred, family butler and all-around costume tailor.
And thus Dark Pig was born, scourge of villainy and righter of wrong things...
"Hold it!" Ranma objected, "Dark Pig? I think I ought to speak out on my partner's behalf here, that's pushing things a little much, don't you think?"
"Aw, C'mon, Pop, get with the program," Ranko pleaded.
"Besides, if you think that one's over the top, take a look at the next one," urged Nabiki.
"I'm afraid to look," Ranma sighed as he nonetheless stared at the next display file...
San Francisco-1941
"Ukyo, get those special ingredients for me from out in back, will you?"
"Sure thing, Pop," replied a fifteen year old Ukyo, dressed as an Okonomiyaki chef with her usual Bishonen appearance. She headed out to the back storage room located right behind her family restaurant, only to stop in her tracks as she saw something flashing at her, a green meteorite that had somehow crashed down on the shed and demolished a portion without anyone hearing it happen.
"What the hell?" asked the half-American Nisei girl, tentatively exploring the green rock and wondering why she did not just turn around and report it to her father. Instead-against all sanity-she touched the surface of the beachball-sized stone and heard a curious voice open up in her mind, filling her thoughts with images and impressions that rush by too quick to be grasped, yet which helps the young girl to understand the significance of what she has discovered.
"Oh wow..." she broke contact then stared down at the thing and smiled, "So...you want me to shape you into the form of a lantern, huh? Well...yeah, I think I know how to do that..."
Hours later, in her High School machine shop, she smiled as she broke the mold and exposed the newly forged lantern, along with the matching ring that had been designed to the green rock's specific mental instructions.
"Okay," she said, slipping the ring upon one finger, "Now to see if this thing works as advertised..."
She put the ring to the mouth of the lantern then spoke the words in slow intonation, "In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight, let those who value evil's might beware my power, Green Lantern's might!"
A flash of light later and Ukyo stood revealed in a skin-tight (and very form-
fitting) costume, black and green with a lantern emblem on her nubile (and slowly maturing) chest. Ukyo grinned as she studied herself with an appreciative gleam, then thought a moment and looked at her ring before saying, "Green Lantern? That sounds like a stupid name...I know what I'll call myself..."
And thus the Jade Spatula made her fateful appearance...
"Let me guess," Ranma sighed, "She still mad at me on this timeline over something my stupid Pop did, like engaging the two of us together?"
"And that's not the best part either," Nabiki replied, "She and Xian-Pu become instant rivals for your hand, and since you refuse to acknowledge either one of them as your wife you wind up getting engaged to Lois Lane, arguably the least pleasant of the Lane sisters for you to be around, a real busybody who won't give you any peace, especially since she wants to be a journalist and you just want to hide your identity as an average Joe during the anti-Japanese hysteria that sweeps the country..."
"And that's not all," Ranko continued, "You have other rivals and contenders in the Superhero and Villain world, like Lex Kuno, the genius inventor who takes a liking to Lois and wants the male half of you dead and buried. He gets a serious crush on your female half, of course, and since he's got access to technology that won't be available to the general public for at least a couple of centuries..."
"You two are heartless," Ranma grimaced.
"You're just finding that out?" Nabiki smiled winsomely at him, "Silly boy, we've only just begun to make your life seem interesting..."
"Like it isn't already?" Ranma replied in tacit resignation, "Okay, you Sadists, what else have you got in store for me?"
"Funny you should ask that, Pop," Ranko replied, "We were just putting something together when you came by to see us..."
(Paused to continue this later...IF-that is-there might actually be a "later" to this spoof-fic)
Comments/Criticisms/Crossover X-cess!: shadowmane
I just whipped this thing up for fun to deal with the "What if Ranma were raised differently" angle, I hope you guys don't mind too much, but this was always intended to be a "just plain silly" one-shot. Any more suggestions? Feel free to share...it's that kind of a Multiverse!
Later!
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