I Want A Divorce!
Summary- Enter the two bickering life of Lily and James Potter, as they try to survive their final school year posing as a happily wed couple complete with their baby son, Harry. Add a crazy hyper Sirius and a very moody Remus into the equation and you get a very depressed James. Through all this mess will Lily and James find true love?
Disclaimer- Yes I do own Harry Potter! Okay, as in books from the Philosopher's stone, to the Order of the Phoenix. Wish I was J.K. Rowling. Then Hp & co. will be all mine I tell ya! All miiiine! I'm plotting to kidnap Sirius though…..
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Lily Evans, no Potter, was one unhappy witch. She stomped angrily down the Hogwarts corridors as she glared menacingly at passing innocent first years, making them scream and run for their very lives. Her eyes were blazing with so much fury and ember that it was practically radiating the feeling I-am-a-dangerous-mass-murderer-fear-me, as her scowling face was quickly turning into the exact shade of deep amber hair.
This was not happening! This WOULD NOT HAPPEN! Oh no, no. NO!Never! Not evenover her dead body….. She thought furiously as she came to a halt at her destination.
The two heavy wooden doors slammed open with a 'BANG' as the head house of Gryffindor quickly looked up from her book in complete surprise for no one has ever lived to witness the sweet intelligent Head Girl to look this distressed. Ever. Well, expect for a certain cocky faced, stupid inconceivable, self-conceited prat. (Or so Lily believes).
"How may I help you Ms. Evans?" Professor McGonagall asked in a business like way as soon as she regained her posture.
"Professor, I would like to file a divorce." Lily stated bluntly, her face no longer scowling due to the bewildered expression that displayed on her favorite teacher. It took the Head of the Gryffindor House a few moments to register the strange comment her star pupil (though she did struggle a bit in Transfiguration) had meant by the bizarre statement.
"Ahh… I assume you are talking about the strange muggle parent program that Albus has assigned today." She pursed her lips into a thin line before continuing, "I am sorry Miss Evans, but I cannot-"
Professor McGonagall was suddenly interrupted by a loud slam of the door that was made none other than the ever so famous James Potter. Though what was unusual at this sight was that James was actually grinning like he was just announced the king of the world, and it scared Lily out of her wits.
Surely he wasn't smiling at the fact that they were supposed to act like a happy married couple for an entire year in order receives the full 75 percent of their final grade point average. He wasn't happy because he had to raise a life like child with his worst enemy. As husband and wife. Happily living. Together… With a child…. In love… Forever…. At the last thought Lily shivered so violently it caused all the occupants in the room to stare at her for a brief moment, before Lily finally broke the silence.
"What are you grinning about, Potter?" she snapped viciously.
"Oh no reason, just admiring the fact that I was paired up with the most stuck up, bossy, ugly, know-it-all like you." He replied in a sarcastic tone, although he was still smiling like a maniac throughout his speech.
"Ugh, Your smile is scaring me Potter."
"Like how you were scaring off little first years three minutes ago?" He asked with his eyebrow raised, still smiling widely.
"Just stop it before I die of fright!" Lily commanded harshly, forgetting the fact that there was a third occupant in the room; which at this very moment seems to be fighting the natural human erg to grin, thus explaining the madly twitching lips.
"I can't" James hissed back in reply. "Stupid Sirius and his stupid cheering charm." He added under his breath, though making sure Lily had heard what he's saying. "Dunno why I have all the rotten luck, woulda taken Snape then her…"
At this Lily was deeply offended, for it was a world wide fact that James thought Snape to be the ugliest, most greasiest git that walked upon the face of the Earth, though she will never admit she acknowledged that fact. Quickly covering her shocked expression Lily smiled and stated very clearly "I didn't know you swung that way Potter."
"Only when your face is involved dear" His smile grew sickly wider, making it look quite threatening.
Smirking in satisfaction Lily turned back toward a very amused McGonagall and said, "You see Professor, I cannot be 'wed' to Potter for he is gay. And even pretending would offend him."
The charm must have worn off because James was now gaping at her stupidly as Lily shot him a triumph grin over her shoulder. "Tha-that's not, I-I only m-eant." He stuttered.
Clucking her tounge Lily walked toward James and soothingly patting his back, "There, there, you poooooor dear, it's not bad to admit it." Lily had to bite her lip to keep from laughing as Potter's face turned violently crimson.
"Fine, fine, Snape was an exaggeration, but I will not take th-this hag for a wife!" He exclaimed and turned his head toward McGonagall at the last part.
"Well you're just an egolistic toerag!" Lily shot back angrily.
"Control Freak!"
"Self-conceited prat!"
"An ugly troll!"
"Bloody sexist!"
"Bloody feminist!"
"Stalker!"
"Spoi- Hey that was only once!"
"STOP!" Professor McGonagall exclaimed as she abruptly stood up from her chair. "That is quite enough! You are suppose to be a role model for your fellow students, I will not have you bickering in my office. Now you are stuck together or you shall loose 75 percent of your overall grade! Now out! OUT!" She pointed her finger towards the door as a grumbling James and a flushing Lily slowly stepped out of her office, leaving their professor in what she believe to be peace. Though barely 15 seconds has passed before shouting has resumed out in the corridors.
"I KNOW YOU HAD SOMETHING TO SO WITH IT! YOU'VE BEEN STALKING ME IN FIFTH YEAR! DON'T THINK I DIDN'T KNOW YOU-"
"EVANS! THAT WAS WHEN I WAS STUPID AND BLIND!"
"YOU STILL ARE!"
"WELL WHO WOULD WANT TO MARRY A BOSSY MEANACING GIRL LIKE YOU?"
"THAT'S IT! LET'S DUEL POTTER HERE AND NOW!!!"
"EAT MY DUST EVANS!"
Groaning loudly Professor McGonagall banged her head repeated upon her office desk, asking the heavens why oh why did Albus have to pair them up? "I….bang….hate…bang…you….bang….Albus…"
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A/N- I know its bit of a slow beginning but once Sirius appears in the next chapter let the insanity begin! Oh and I know I haven't typed for a while, (thanks to my stupid broken computer) but I also have a writer's block for my other story, so I will be working on this for a while to get that out of my system. Well I hope you like it! Please review!