A/N: Slight mentions of abuse
She just felt numb. Aside from the occasional drumming in her chest, she felt, for the most part, fine.
There was nothing much to say other than it was over. A month had passed now and it's not like she could say she didn't see it coming or that she was still torn over it. Every time the memory of that day replayed itself, she very much had seen it coming and she should have prepared for it...god, she should have prepared.
It happened though and she was alive.
Emma and Ruby had sent countless texts checking up on her and invited her to hang out with them. All of them were left unanswered and instead, Mulan chose to stay in solitude.
She'd been spending her summer at home with her parents but specifically, confined in her room. The constant stream of days felt endless as the routine of each day became overbearing. She wanted to go out and do something but at the same time, she just felt so tired. After every time she slept, it was as if the energy inside her body drained out. Something was broken.
Curiously, whenever night fell, sleep was hard to come by and she would lie awake in the dark for hours; looking at nothing, thinking about nothing. Her late nights and waking up in the middle of the afternoon prompted her mother to yell at her. Meaningless things, really, but there was always a chance of her shedding a few tears because of those hurtful words.
"Why aren't you volunteering at a hospital or doing something for your career?" she'd yell. The only response her mother got was Mulan rolling over to the other side of the bed. Sometimes her mother just left it at that but other times, maybe a book was thrown at her, or a lamp.
Her mother expected the house to be clean when she came back late from work. When it wasn't, it puts her on the line to be shot at again. Her father expected dinner to be ready every night when he came back late from work. When it wasn't, there's a chance another bruise will appear on her skin. Every time they raised their voice, she flinched. She just wished summer would end sooner.
During those times, she would remember how Aurora would be there for her. She would think of her family and how they were such...a family. The warmth she felt when she saw the playful banters and the insults that were meant as jokes. How they spent quality time with each other no matter how busy and how she felt part of the family when her mom called her an "idiot" or to "loosen up". She was everything Mulan had ever dreamed of.
She shook the memories away. Those families hardly exist anyways, she thought.
She wondered whether she was doing well. She must be...she's just that type of person.
She wondered if she ever thought of her.
She wondered if she missed her.
Mulan used to love running and hiking. Going out and seeing the sky and feeling the breeze made her feel connected to the world. It became something she stopped doing to spend more time with Aurora. She promised herself that she would go for a run that day and the day before and the day before that. Of course, she'd put it off for tomorrow. She wanted to get back into it but when she could spend the afternoon in bed with her beloved? No way.
One day, she got a text from her. "How's your summer?" Mulan's thumbs ghosted over her phone for a few minutes before turning it off and throwing it on the bed. She didn't have anything to say.
She left the text unreplied for weeks. It made her feel wanted and she felt strangely content and empowered. Maybe it was a sign that Aurora was interested in her again, but when she saw pictures of her and him together on Facebook or Snapchat, she knew it was just wishful thinking and her heart would start drumming again. When did it ever hurt to see her smile?
What had she said or done the week before she broke up with her? Was she aloof? Did she say any harsh words? Did she anger her? Was he the complete opposite of her?
If she took back all that she had said or done, would Aurora come back to her?
All too quickly, however, she'd be reminded of how it took Aurora less than a month to move on. That thought never failed to pour burning acid down her gullet and a few seconds later, her joints would be locked and tense with rage.
She wanted to ask her, "How does it feel to fall out of love with me?
What does it feel like to stop caring for me?
What is it like to jump out of my arms and fall into his?"
No good would come out of those questions. She knew that. The answers would only lead to more questions and it'd be an endless cycle of torment, so she kept it to herself.
Mulan wanted to get over her, so she went online and started conversations she pretended to be interested in. It's no surprise that every single person she talked to only wanted sex, coming to her with some kind of "Asian fetish". Some sparked a genuine interest and that's when she suggested a coffee date. However, they always failed to keep the interest going or maybe it was because of her that conversations dropped. Every person she met felt so...one dimensional.
No one could possibly match the whole-heartedness that consumed her when she was with Aurora. Only she could mold Mulan to be the different person that she always secretly wanted to be. Ever since Aurora left, that person left with her too. All Mulan knew was that she didn't want to be solitary anymore. She didn't want to be hardened and silent anymore. Mulan still wanted to be that person that came out under Aurora's light but how was that ever possible when she was gone.
Mulan had to get over her, so she put on a mask and enticed them. It felt good: the freedom to do whatever she wanted and be whoever she felt like for a night and to never see that person again. Sometimes, she would let them take her roughly. No, she would ask for it, sometimes beg. They would leave deep purple bruises marring her skin and their box cutter fingernails would slice rivers along her spine. Afterwards when she looked over their handiwork, it brought the most shame because in reality, all the pleasure in the world couldn't mend whatever broke. Feelings of disgust and filthiness tainted her blood and poisoned her heart but she did it again and again and again; anything to distract those agonizing thoughts.
From time to time, she thought about her text, but she still had nothing to say.
That's how she spent her summer.