"My life is over," Oikawa declares dramatically.

Hajime just makes a vaguely agreeable sound in response, more concentrated on cleaning his blade.

Noticing this, Oikawa narrows his eyes and says, "Iwa-chan! How can you not be more concerned! This is a serious dilemma!"

Hajime rolls his eyes. "You said that about the time the store closest to your apartment ran out of milk bread."

Oikawa gives him a condescending little smile. "Clearly also a horrible situation and one only someone like you who has no taste wouldn't understand."

"And that time you got assigned to gate duty with Ushijima?" Hajime asks, mostly just to piss him off.

"Don't remind me," he says darkly, shuddering at the memory. "I just know Makki had something to do with it. I had to spend eight hours in a tiny booth with Ushiwaka, Iwa-chan! Eight. Hours! Oh, and he was so smug the whole time! Even when he wasn't talking, I could just tell." He harrumphs, thoroughly annoyed. "'You should have come to Dark ANBU,'" he mocks in a ridiculous voice then shakes his head in disgust. "Like that creepy shadow organization that snatches up children and makes stoic monsters like Ushiwaka even worse is something I'd actually want to join."

He makes a gagging motion, prompting a snort from Hajime.

"They'd probably kick you out after the first week."

Oikawa scoffs. "Please, Iwa-chan. I'd walk out of there on my own on the first day just to see Ushiwaka's dumb, ugly face crumple in disappointment." Hajime actually laughs at that - because he can definitely see that happening; Oikawa is that petty - and Oikawa shoots him a smile. "Don't think I've forgotten what we were originally talking about, though!"

"I would never," Hajime says, dipping his cloth in more oil.

Oikawa huffs, flopping down gracelessly on the grass next to him. "I'm doomed. Doomed."

"You're really not."

"Maybe I should become a missing-nin," Oikawa considers, ignoring him. "I could live on the run, make a name for myself as a badass S-Rank shinobi. Forever known as the one who got away."

"You'd never make it on your own. First month of living without a steady home and income, you'll come crawling back," Hajime tells him, blunt. "It's not like you could take all your hair and skin treatments with you, either. You know, those things you swore up and down that you'd die without?"

Oikawa makes a face at him. "I could if I needed to!"

"And besides, you'd definitely stumble headfirst into some ancient conspiracy to take over the world or something, and because you're a nosy idiot who can't mind his own business, you'd die without anyone to look after you."

Offended now, Oikawa says, "I didn't say I was going alone."

"Like hell I'm going with you," Hajime swiftly denies, recognizing that gleam in Oikawa's eyes. "You can go out there and be a world class criminal or whatever by yourself. Leave me out of it."

"But Iwa-chan!" he cries, pitifully, grabbing Hajime's arm and shaking it, heedless of the deadly sword in his lap. "You're my partner! You have to defect with me, or else I'll die of loneliness!"

"You're going to die anyway if you don't stop shaking me," Hajime threatens, and Oikawa lets go with a pout.

"How cruel a fate is mine that my own partner won't abandon his village for me," he bemoans, the back of his hand against his forehead in a ridiculously pathetic pose.

Hajime sets aside the rag, closing the lid on the wax and then stowing everything away in his pouch. "What's cruel is that I got stuck with you for a genin teammate. Even Ushijima would have been better."

Oikawa gasps, horrified and offended. "How could you say that?"

"Poor Yachi, too," he says. "She's been scarred for life."

"Excuse you, the two of you were lucky to have me on your team!" Oikawa snaps. "Do you know how many of our classmates would have killed to be in your position?"

Hajime shakes his head, wry. "If any of them actually got to know you, I'm sure they'd have changed their minds."

Haughtily, Oikawa says, "I'm the best teammate you'll ever have."

"That's true," Hajime agrees, smirking when Oikawa falters at the genuine agreement, flushing prettily. "You're a headache and a half, but you're mine, and I'd drag you back to the village if you ever tried to leave."

Quickly regaining composure, Oikawa snarks, "Kinky."

And now Hajime is flustered. He just can't win with this asshole. He groans, dragging a hand down his face. Smiling brightly, Oikawa leans over to kiss him, and his desire to murder him lessens. Just a little.

"Anyway, if you insist, I suppose I'll have to settle for staying in the village," he allows, magnanimously. Hajime rolls his eyes again. His expression scrunches up in annoyance. "That still leaves my problem."

"...How is it a problem, again?" Hajime asks, amused.

"Did you forget?" Oikawa demands, incredulous. "Tobio is one of my genin! Tobio!"

"Why didn't you just fail him?"

At this, he sighs heavily. "Hokage-sama said I couldn't fail him without a reason. And apparently Tobio being an uppity little brat with no respect for his betters wasn't good enough."

"So he passed your test?" Hajime was there when Oikawa planned it all out. He knows how vicious and difficult it was supposed to be, just how many layers there were to the deception and the true goal of the whole thing. Oikawa's a clever, tricky bastard, and any genin who managed to pass his test have to be pretty impressive.

Clearly torn between pride in his new students and displeasure, Oikawa reluctantly admits, "They all did. Hinata spurred them into action, Tobio figured out all my clues, and Shimizu was able to put together a plan. Their teamwork was shaky, at best. The two boys kept arguing with each other and giving away their position, and the girl barely said a word, didn't try too hard to mediate. But they did work together, and they passed, and shit, I'm kind of excited to see how they'll develop in the future, Iwa-chan. This is horrible! Why do I care about a team that has Tobio on it?"

Hajime huffs, "Maybe because now that you're responsible for him, you won't let yourself be anything but a great teacher?" Oikawa still looks uncertain, so Hajime throws an arm around his shoulders, pulls him in close, and rests their heads together. "Because you're not as shitty a person as you think you are, Shittykawa."

Oikawa laughs. "That's a little contradictory, Iwa-chan!"

"You mean like you are? As a person?"

"I suppose I am far too complicated to be constrained to one measly emotion!"

"Ugh."

Another laugh. "I love you, too, Iwa-chan!"

"Yeah, yeah. Love you, Oikawa-sensei."

End Notes: i know it's called root ne or whatever, but eh. he was mocking it & it basically is dark anbu. you know i'm right. anyway pointless fluff is pointless. just wanted to write some iwaoi, so here you go. hope you enjoyed, & let me know you think. ;)