Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 24
Airdate: April 9, 2017
"Jaylynn, Anja, and Halley"
Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne
#TYH524
SCENE 1
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One day, Anja is doing homework when she gets a phone call.
ANJA: Hello?
Cut to Jaylynn sitting at home.
JAYLYNN: Hey Anja. I just wanted to see if you could come with me to Ike's the day after tomorrow.
ANJA: Eh, I don't think so. I still have a ton of homework to do.
JAYLYNN: You always have a ton of homework to do.
ANJA: Well, it still has to get done by somebody. Besides, I don't really like Ike's anyway.
JAYLYNN: Well, shit, man, I just wanted us to hang out.
ANJA: I know, but my hands are tied. See if you can get one of the guys to go with you.
Anja hangs up at that point.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, hanging up before I can say bye is a way to go too.
Jaylynn sighs as she puts her phone in her pocket.
JAYLYNN: I need to get a freaking dog.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, the boys are looking up at bulletin board posters.
SPARKY: Hey, check it out. The chili cook off is back. It's less than a month away.
BUSTER: Oh, God, I hate that stupid contest. In fact, I don't want anybody bringing it up anymore. You guys talk about it way too much.
WADE: No one was making a big deal until you said something.
BUSTER: Don't imply things you know happened!
SPARKY: Come on, Buster, you can't let one defeat in the championship get you down.
BUSTER: It's not just one defeat. I've lost the past four years. No matter what I do, I can't make an award-winning chili.
RK: Well, maybe you just suck.
SPARKY: RK!
RK: What? I'm just being realistic here. You think somebody told the Buffalo Bills that it wasn't their fault when they lost four Super Bowls in a row? The only champion that city ever produced was their sauce.
BUSTER: Oh no. RK's right. I'm the Buffalo Bills of chili cook offs.
SPARKY: No, you're not.
Sparky slaps RK in the back of his head.
RK: Ow! I'm going to call Child Protective Services on you one day!
SPARKY: Look, Buster, your chili was good enough to be in the top five all four years. You just need that one thing to take you over the top.
BUSTER: Hot girls in candle wax talking about how good my chili is?
SPARKY: No, this isn't a Carl's Jr. commercial. I meant you just need to expand your cooking repertoire. Experiment with brand new ingredients, watch YouTube videos on how to make the perfect chili. That kind of thing.
BUSTER: What? Those YouTube chumps can't do what I can. They're just squares that got popular from copying recipes. They didn't grind. They weren't going to the market late at night to get the peppers. I hate them! I HATE 'EM ALL!
SPARKY: Wow, you really hate YouTube chefs. But what I said is true. Every single legend has to reinvent themselves. It's what makes them legends. Tell you what. We can go to the library after school and get some chili books. Would that help?
BUSTER: You know what? I do need a new approach. Sure, why not?
WADE: Hey RK, how come you never have gum when I ask you?
RK: Because by the time you ask, I've already eaten them all. I have a light breakfast.
SPARKY: What...what are you guys doing?
BUSTER: Yeah, are you seriously having a random conversation in the middle of ours?
RK: Hey, not everything's about you two. It's called Thank You, Heavenly, bitch, not The Sparky and Buster Show.
Cut to RK sitting in the living room, looking at the camera.
RK: The producers gave me a warning before they sent me home for going off script twice.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn looks depressed as she continuously pokes her Jello. Halley walks up to her.
HALLEY: Hey Jaylynn. What's going on with you?
JAYLYNN: You know something's wrong?
HALLEY: Well, you haven't touched your Jello. You love Jello.
JAYLYNN: This is Jello? I thought I picked up cake. Ugh, my life sucks!
HALLEY: Alright, I'm sitting down for this one. Tell me, what's going on with you?
JAYLYNN: It's just Anja. She never likes doing the things I like or she doesn't have time. I mean, we're best friends and sometimes, it feels like we're two completely different people.
HALLEY: Well, you can't expect everyone to be the same. People are different. That's what makes us special and unique.
JAYLYNN: Okay, Dr. Phil, what an amazing observation.
HALLEY: Listen, bitch, I'm just trying to help you out. If you want, I can leave your ass here.
JAYLYNN: Alright, bitch, leave, no one wants you here.
HALLEY: Is that a threat?
JAYLYNN: No, this is a threat: I'll kill you.
Beat. Jaylynn and Halley start laughing at that point.
HALLEY: What the hell are we even doing?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, man, but I love it!
Jaylynn and Halley continue laughing, and Jaylynn even starts banging on the table. They then slowly start calming down and go back to breathing.
JAYLYNN: Ooh. Damn, that was funny. You know, I'm glad we can laugh about this stuff.
HALLEY: About what?
JAYLYNN: About me killing you. I swear, you have the attention span of a honey roasted peanut.
HALLEY: Your brain is a peanut. So what are you going to do about Anja?
JAYLYNN: Oh, I don't know. But you want to go with Ike's with me tomorrow? I asked Anja, but she has homework.
HALLEY: Sure, why not? You know, I always wondered why you don't hang out with Adriana and Anna.
JAYLYNN: Eh, they don't like me and I don't like them. Whenever we see each other, it's on sight.
Cut to a flashback of Jaylynn running into Adriana and Anna on the street.
ADRIANA: Oh, hey Jaylynn.
ANNA: How are you doing?
JAYLYNN: Who are you guys?
Cut back to Jaylynn and Halley.
HALLEY: That doesn't sound like it's on sight.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, we just don't have a lot in common.
SCENE 4
Seattle Public Library - Bottrell
Interior Cooking Book Section
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Sparky and Buster are looking for cookbooks related to chili making.
SPARKY: It shouldn't be that hard to find some good books on chili.
BUSTER: Do you really think this will help me win the cook off?
SPARKY: Why not? Reading is fundamental.
Sparky winks at the camera and then picks out three random books.
SPARKY: Ah, here we go. Three books on the art of making chili. They're from the library, so we know they're certified.
BUSTER: Yeah, I guess that explains the Fifth Harmony and One Direction picture books we saw in the display case as we walked in.
SPARKY: Buster, do you want to win or not?
BUSTER: I'm sorry. I get sarcastic when I lose hope. But what are those books even about?
SPARKY: Well, there's Ten Chili Recipes for the Perfect Quesadilla, A Man and His Pot: The Jim Brozniak Story, and Chili for Imbeciles, Drug Addicts, and Porn Stars.
BUSTER: What? That's so offensive! I'm not a porn star!
Sparky gives Buster a bored expression and then walks away from him. Cut to the books being checked out in the self-checkout section.
SPARKY: Ah, I remember when I was younger. The librarian had to check out books for you. We've come a long way here in America.
BUSTER: Sparky, this quesadilla recipe book was published in 1999. I can't read this!
SPARKY: Why not? What do you have against 1999 anyway? That was the year everyone thought they were gonna die.
BUSTER: That doesn't fill me up with any kind of confidence. And I can't bring 1999 chili to a 2017 contest. I'll get laughed at!
SPARKY: You're making chili for a cook off and you honestly think that's going to happen?
BUSTER: Of course. Food people are snobs. I think I'll read the Brozniak first. He looks like a fat dumbass. It gives me something to relate to.
SCENE 5
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Anja and Lynne are watching TV.
VOICEOVER: And now the Ad Council presents to you a special commercial on staying in school.
Cut to an old black man in a kangol, Cazal shades, a red Adidas tracksuit, white shell-toed Adidas sneakers with black stripes, and two large gold chains with replica Mercedes-Benz ornaments.
MC EDUCATION: Aiyyo, homeboys and homegirls, my name is MC Education. And you know, rapping about school...is my occupation. Alright, check it out, check it out, check it out. Uh! What? Oh! Yeah! Come on! You kids need to get smart, smart as in the brain! And pick up those books so you don't get lame! Get your diplomas and be real cool! Don't be a fool and just stay in school, fool! What?! Off the dome, jumpman, sucka!
LYNNE: Wait, so I'm a fool regardless of whether or not I go to school? Ugh, these commercials just get more and more weird.
ANJA: Oh, man.
LYNNE: What is it?
ANJA: Jaylynn sent me a link to a video of a fight.
LYNNE: So? Just watch it.
ANJA: I don't want to. It's just full of people beating each other up. I don't wanna see that.
LYNNE: You're such a wuss sometimes, Anja. Is something going on with Jaylynn?
ANJA: No. Why would you think that?
LYNNE: Well, you don't talk about her that much anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're finally coming to your senses, but I'm just curious.
ANJA: Nothing's going on with Jaylynn. Sometimes, we just don't talk. She doesn't mind it.
LYNNE: Well, you better watch out. If you don't pay attention to her, someone else will swoop in and take your spot.
ANJA: My spot?
LYNNE: Yeah. Your spot as Jaylynn's best friend. It's not solidified until it's solidified, sis.
ANJA: There's nothing wrong with my spot. And even then, why does there have to be a spot? I'm Jaylynn's best friend, that's not going to change.
LYNNE: Yeah, that's what my friend Janice thought about her friendship with Christina. But they had a fight one day and Christina got a new best friend. They haven't talked in almost a year.
ANJA: Well, that's not happening with me and Jaylynn. We're too sophisticated to let something like that happen.
LYNNE: Yeah, I guess if someone told Janice that, everything would have been okay.
ANJA: If you don't watch that smart mouth of yours, you can go back to your apartment.
LYNNE: I love you.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day, the kids are all at the lunch table. Buster is fast asleep.
RK: And it was almost like I was drowning but the adrenaline took care of the rest.
WADE: I don't think this is the first time you've dreamt about an underwater train.
RK: Crap, I've told this story before? Well, it was way more awesome the second time. Hey Buster, could you pass me the ketchup? Beat. Buster? Beat. BUSTER, I'M TALKING TO YOU!
Buster immediately wakes up.
BUSTER: AAAH, THE KIDS MADE FUN OF MY GLANDULAR PROBLEMS! Hey guys, what's going on?
WADE: Buster, is everything okay?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you look awful.
BUSTER: Well, I stayed up all night reading those chili books so I could get ahead of the competition. But nothing worked.
SPARKY: You read all the books in one night?
BUSTER: I had to. I read the books, took inventory of my spice cabinet three times, and I even watched a bunch of episodes of Ciao Italia.
RK: Were they any good?
BUSTER: No. It just made me wonder why the f*** I wasn't watching Arthur instead. Buster sighs. I need to face the facts. When it comes to the chili cook off, I'm donezo.
SPARKY: You're not donezo. You're just giving up too easily. Greatness doesn't happen overnight.
BUSTER: Easy for you to say. You won the chili cook off two years in a row. Greats don't have to teach others how to be great.
SPARKY: And that's where you're wrong, Buster. I'm the man of a thousand recipes. I love sharing things I've made with others, and I'm going to help you reach the mountaintop and get that title.
BUSTER: I can't believe I get to learn from the one and only. Alright, Sparky, you're on.
Cut to Jaylynn texting on her phone.
RK: Jaylynn, you've been texting this whole period. Stop it. Talk to your friends, pick the gum under the table, something productive.
JAYLYNN: Go away. I'm talking to Halley.
RK takes a peek at Jaylynn's texting.
RK: You're passing GIFs back and forth?
JAYLYNN: Hey, did anyone tell you to look at my messages?
RK: No, but I just...
JAYLYNN: Yeah. So fall back, man. This is about something you don't know.
Jaylynn cackles at the GIF sent by Halley. She texts her back a GIF and she cackles as she leaves the cafeteria. Sparky and RK see Halley leave, then look at Jaylynn, and then look at each other with confusion.
SCENE 7
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Jaylynn and Halley are putting away milkshakes at Ike's.
HALLEY: Oh God, I feel like I'm half dairy at this point.
JAYLYNN: What was that, your sixth one? You're gonna die, man.
HALLEY: No way. I eat like this all the time and I never gain weight. My doctor said it's because I have a fast meta...a fast metab...some shit, I can't pronounce it.
JAYLYNN: Metabolism?
HALLEY: Yeah, that's it. It kills me trying to say that word. Hey, do you know what maneater means?
JAYLYNN: I don't know. I should look that up.
Halley clears her throat and looks around the restaurant.
HALLEY: God, chokers went out of style really fast.
JAYLYNN: Oh, here we go. A maneater is like a female pimp.
HALLEY: Ewww. So that's what Hall and Oates were talking about.
JAYLYNN: Who the hell is Hall and Oates?
HALLEY: This old singing group from back in the day. I heard their song "Maneater" on the radio and I couldn't figure out what they were talking about.
JAYLYNN: So your school never taught you anything about context clues?
HALLEY: Bitch, we go to the same school.
JAYLYNN: Now we do, bitch, but I transferred here in fourth grade. You have some explaining to do for the other four years, bro.
HALLEY: Well, school sucks. I hate going there sometimes.
JAYLYNN: We all do, honey, but your English teachers failed you.
HALLEY: Hey, could I ask you something?
JAYLYNN: What?
HALLEY: How did we become all buddy buddy in less than two days?
JAYLYNN: I mean, we were always friends but I guess we just needed to get a little closer. I feel like I know you a little better now.
HALLEY: Me too. I guess Anja being busy all the time works out for us.
JAYLYNN: I guess so. It's too bad we can't do this often.
HALLEY: Why not? What are you doing this weekend?
JAYLYNN: Absolutely nothing, why?
HALLEY: Well, we could just hang out at my place on Saturday. It'll be fun.
JAYLYNN: I could be down for that.
HALLEY: Okay, great. You know, Jaylynn, I think this could work out.
JAYLYNN: Me too. I mean, you're really cool when you're not locking me in closets.
HALLEY: You're never going to let me live that one down, are you?
JAYLYNN: No, I'm bringing it up until you die.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are surrounded by a bunch of chili ingredients.
SPARKY: Now, Buster, in order to win this contest, you have to become one with the chili. You have to embrace it, live it, let it leave a permanent mark in your brain.
BUSTER: Geez, I don't want this shit to kill me. Sounds like a hostile takeover.
SPARKY: Eh, I'm just being dramatic. Let's get cooking.
One hour later...
Buster is adding some cayenne pepper to his chili.
SPARKY: Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
BUSTER: I'm putting in the cayenne pepper. According to that Brozniak fatty, the hottest chili always wins cook offs.
SPARKY: But didn't you enter the cayenne chili last year?
BUSTER: Yes, but I didn't put in nearly enough. If you eat this chili, and you're not gasping for air on the floor while screaming "Oh God," then it's not a winner.
SPARKY: Yeah, but cayenne pepper is so played out. These days, substance matters. The judges want a more savory chili. Something they can bring home to their family.
BUSTER: And where did you read that? Chili Digest?
SPARKY: No, The Chili Almanac. According to them, savory chilis have an 89% success rate at cook offs and eating conventions.
BUSTER: Please. If it was so successful, that 11% wouldn't have just gotten up by itself and walked away.
SPARKY: Maybe we should try from scratch again. Maybe we need more beans.
BUSTER: Forget it. No matter what we do, my chili will never be good enough to win a blue ribbon. Unless...
SPARKY: Unless what?
BUSTER: Unless...
SPARKY: You saying the exact same word has absolutely no effect on me understanding what you're getting at.
BUSTER: Look, Sparky, you're a former champion. You know what it's like to have the best chili in Seattle. You did it twice and you can help me do it if you just loan me your winning recipe.
SPARKY: Are you nuts?
BUSTER: No, I'm a white kid. I just want your recipe, man!
SPARKY: Buster, I can't do that. It's not honorable. Don't you want the pride that comes with your own original recipe getting first prize?
BUSTER: Alright, snack pants, I know what you're after. But lucky for you, money's not an object. Buster pulls out some bills from his pocket. Alright, here's twenty dollars, a ticket stub from a Seahawks game last year, two Mike and Ike's, and my laundry card. But I'm going to need the card back by Saturday. If I lose this, my underwear is finished.
SPARKY: Your money's no good, man. Look, if it helps, we can always pick it up tomorrow. Who knows? We might find something we can use to get you that ribbon.
BUSTER: Yeah, sure, whoopty doo. I'll just, uh, you know, lock up and put everything away.
SPARKY: Are you sure?
BUSTER: Yeah, it's getting late anyway.
SPARKY: It's only 9:43.
BUSTER: Yeah, and in 17 minutes, they're going to ask if you know where your children are so I better get home fast.
SPARKY: Alright. Well, I'm going to go hit the showers. I smell like a discount Taco Bell.
BUSTER: Okay. See you at school tomorrow.
Sparky waves goodbye to Buster and heads upstairs. Buster sighs as he starts cleaning up the ingredients.
BUSTER: This sucks. I'm going to walk into that cook off and lose for the fifth straight year. What's the point in entering if I know my chili's not even good enough to take home third place? There's only one thing left to do. If Sparky won't give me the recipe, I'll have to take it. You know, all gangsta and whatnot.
Buster opens up Sparky's spice cabinet.
BUSTER: Now, let's see. If I was a recipe, where would I be? It's on the tip of my tongue. Shit, what's the theme song to Reading Rainbow again?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, this isn't something you see every day.
Buster turns his head to see Bitch Clock.
BUSTER: Oh, it's just the magic clock man. Hey, since you're here, can you sing me the theme song to Reading Rainbow? I'm trying to figure out where recipes are.
BITCH CLOCK: Take a look, it's in a book? You're looking for a cookbook, Buster.
BUSTER: Ha, I knew it!
BITCH CLOCK: So why exactly are you stealing from Sparky?
BUSTER: Well, there's a big chili cook off coming up and I'm going to go insane if I don't win. I just wanted Sparky's recipe to get me that blue ribbon but he wouldn't give it to me. I know I'm a horrible person for this, but I don't have a choice.
BITCH CLOCK: You're not a horrible person, you're just a desperate psycho with not much going on in your life.
BUSTER: Okay, now I want to spit on you.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm just saying, there are other ways to make a winning chili without having to bite your best friend's steelo.
BUSTER: Oh, what do you know about making chili?
BITCH CLOCK: What do I know? Are you really talking to the Chili Prince that way? The Five-Alarm Assassin, the Clock Con Carne, Big Daddy? That last one has nothing to do with chili, but you get it.
BUSTER: So you've won chili making contests before?
BITCH CLOCK: Of course. Back in the day, I could throw down with the best of them. I have blue ribbons from all over the country. I even opened my own chili restaurant. It shut down quick because a lot of the waitresses accused me of things that never happened, but the point is, I could help you win.
BUSTER: Why should I trust a talking alarm clock to help me?
BITCH CLOCK: Because your bum ass is going to lose one more time if you don't.
BUSTER: Okay, it's a deal. But can you not tell Sparky about this?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, sure. He doesn't even know about my side job as a cab driver.
BUSTER: How are you even able to get jobs?
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, I work with you to make some bomb ass chili and you don't ask me questions about my f***ing personal life, you got that?
SCENE 9
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
A few days later, Anja is watching TV when Jaylynn walks in.
JAYLYNN: Hey, what's going on?
ANJA: Well, I haven't seen you in a few days. You die or something?
JAYLYNN: No, I've just been busy hanging out with Halley. You know, I never realized it before, but she's actually really cool to be around.
ANJA: I mean, how cool is the human being really?
JAYLYNN: Come on, let's watch some TV.
ANJA: Okay, cool.
Jaylynn and Anja sit down on the couch and start watching TV.
ANJA: So how have you...
Jaylynn gets a text at that point.
JAYLYNN: Oh, it's Halley. Oh man, I have to go. I almost forgot.
ANJA: Almost forgot what?
JAYLYNN: Well, Halley's little sister flew out to see her so the three of us are just going to kick it for the day.
ANJA: But I thought we were hanging out today.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but I already told Halley I would be there. Besides, this is great for you. You get more alone time. I'll try calling you later.
Jaylynn rubs Anja's head and runs out of the house.
ANJA: I can't believe this. Jaylynn really does want to hang out with Halley now. Okay, maybe I'm just imagining things. She's going to call. She always calls.
Seven hours later...
At night, Anja is sitting in the same spot on the couch that she was sitting at before.
ANJA: Okay, maybe I should give it another hour.
One hour later...
The living room is now completely darkened.
ANJA: Shit, I can't even see anymore!
SCENE 10
The Saleh Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Lynne and Anja are watching TV together.
VOICEOVER: The Ad Council would like to give you another public service announcement about the benefits of staying in school. Here's MC Education with an important mathematics lesson.
MC EDUCATION: Ha, what, sucka, get it! Two times two is four, of course! Speak about numbers 'til I get hoarse! All your fives, fifties, twenties, and tens! Count real cool with all your friends! Learn about times tables, and long division! Math, math, math...is my mission! Stay in school and count all the numbers! And you won't end up taking school this summer! Okay, I'm done with this f*** shit, when do I get paid?
LYNNE: I can't believe he just said that on TV.
ANJA: I didn't even see it coming, man. It's like all of a sudden, Halley's the cool one.
LYNNE: Man, how long are you going to talk about this? Jaylynn had plans, she couldn't cancel them. What about that don't you understand?
ANJA: Since when did you start taking Jaylynn's side?
LYNNE: I'm not, but lately, you have been doing your own thing and avoiding her. You think Jaylynn just randomly started hanging out with Halley for fun? She's trying to get your attention.
ANJA: Well, what am I supposed to do? She didn't even call back and she always does.
LYNNE: Well, you're gonna have to fight harder. Make her see that you still want to hang out with her. You have to remind her why you two are best friends.
ANJA: So, like, a grand gesture?
LYNNE: I mean, if you're trying to add lesbian undertones to this, then yeah, but you just need to win back her attention.
ANJA: Okay. I can do that. I just need to do something unexpected. Something so different from what I normally do that Jaylynn won't even remember Halley's name.
LYNNE: I swear, a lot of this feels like you're finally acknowledging your crush on Jaylynn.
ANJA: Oh, shut up. It's not that serious, man.
SCENE 11
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster starts dialing someone that same day. Cut to Bitch Clock in a bubble bath.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, this is the Italian mobster's way.
Bitch Clock's phone starts ringing.
BITCH CLOCK: Ah, f***. Bitch Clock answers his phone. Who are you and what the hell do you want?
BUSTER: Yeah, Bitch Clock, it's Buster. You know, because you gave your number to me?
BITCH CLOCK: I give a lot of guys a lot of numbers. I just want to know why you're interrupting my tub time.
BUSTER: You said you would help me make an award-winning chili. If I'm going to do this, I have to know if you're serious.
BITCH CLOCK: You really need to start having more things going on. Okay, meet me in my man cave tonight. I'll have everything set up and I'll make sure Sparky doesn't suspect anything.
BUSTER: Alright, cool.
BITCH CLOCK: Just make sure you have some caffeine in your gut because we'll be working late. I'm a thorough dude, Buster. Real thorough.
BUSTER: How long are we going to be working? I have school tomorrow.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, I guess you're not willing to make the sacrifice to win so...
BUSTER: No, no, I'll do anything to win! I'll be there sipping coffee watching James Corden if it means I'm taking home that ribbon.
BITCH CLOCK: That's what it's all about. And by the way, Buster?
BUSTER: Yeah?
BITCH CLOCK: If you interrupt my tub time again, I'll have my Puerto Ricans pull out your eye sockets.
BUSTER: Ha! You're funny. Bye.
Buster hangs up and Bitch Clock shakes his head.
SCENE 12
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is watching TV that night when Anja walks in.
*without even looking at Anja* JAYLYNN: Hi Anja.
ANJA: You already knew it was me?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, why not? I have an eighth sense about these things.
ANJA: Don't you mean, sixth sense?
JAYLYNN: I want to believe we have two more that scientists haven't figured out yet. Come on, take a seat.
ANJA: Yeah. Because you see, that's what I like to do. I take seats. I don't steal them. If I'm offered them, I take 'em. Because I earn my spot.
JAYLYNN: So are you going to sit down or just keep implying stuff?
ANJA: Both.
Anja sits down and rests her head on Jaylynn's shoulder.
JAYLYNN: Hey, too close. Too close!
ANJA: You always said that the one thing you wanted me to do for you is to rest my head on you like a dog.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but that was a long time ago. Besides, I don't wanna make you feel uncomfortable.
ANJA: No, it's fine. I like how this feels. So you and Halley have been doing a lot of stuff together lately.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, we have. I like Halley. She's good people.
ANJA: So what, is she like your new best friend now?
JAYLYNN: What?
ANJA: Because I'm a really good friend, right? I mean, we've been best friends for months. Halley knows that, right? That I'm your best friend?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, she does.
ANJA: So why is Halley good people anyway? What does she really have that I don't?
JAYLYNN: Did you really come to my house just to talk about Halley?
ANJA: No, I came to tell you that you're a...female dog.
JAYLYNN: What?
ANJA: Yeah. Don't play around with me, you stupid female dog.
JAYLYNN: Okay, that's it. I'm cringing for you right now. Anja, what the hell is going on with you?
ANJA: I should ask you that. I mean, Halley? It's not like I don't like her, but you're getting real close to her for what? For revenge?
JAYLYNN: I hang out with Halley because she does things you don't like to do.
ANJA: Like what?
JAYLYNN: Well, if I want to see a movie with her or go to the mall, I won't have to spend twenty minutes convincing her. We have a lot of things in common. We both like rock music, Demi Lovato, swearing, eating ice cream straight out of the container and putting the spoon back in.
ANJA: Seriously? That's so gross, man.
JAYLYNN: That's what I'm talking about, Anja. I mean, you're a great friend, but Halley just gets things you don't.
ANJA: Well, if I don't get things, maybe I should just leave then.
JAYLYNN: Come on, Anja, don't be like that.
ANJA: No, it's okay. It's obvious that Halley is the fun, cool chick you always wanted to be friends with, so I'm making it easier. I was born with no friends and I'll die with no friends.
Anja opens the door and slams it shut.
JAYLYNN: I'm ten years old and I seriously have this kind of drama?!
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is watching TV when Buster walks in.
SPARKY: Hey, Buster, what brings you here?
BUSTER: Oh, well, I'm with Bitch Clock tonight. We're going to, uh...play marbles.
SPARKY: You're going to play marbles with my clock?
BUSTER: Yeah. Marbles is the new tennis. You can play anywhere. Did you know that penguins play marbles in Antarctica to improve their eyesight?
Beat.
SPARKY: I think Bitch Clock's waiting for you.
BUSTER: He sure is and if you tell anyone about this conversation, I'll be forced to remove your eye sockets in Puerto Rico.
SPARKY: Okay?
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Interior Attic
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Bitch Clock are now wearing aprons and chef's hats with a large table full of chili ingredients.
BITCH CLOCK: You seriously used my Puerto Rican threat? You can't just go around tossing that shit to other people. They're going to start investigating.
BUSTER: I had to make it sound top secret what we're doing. Or else, Sparky will get suspicious.
BITCH CLOCK: You don't think he'll be more suspicious when you mention penguins playing marbles and pulling out his eye sockets?
BUSTER: I don't know, man. Hey, is "Call Me Maybe" stuck in your head too? I heard it at the store earlier today and I've already listened to it six times.
BITCH CLOCK: That's one of my favorite f***ing songs, but we're not here to talk about that. Now, Buster, I've had a chance to eat your chili and honestly, it sucks. It's very easy to see why your chili keeps losing, because it sucks.
BUSTER: You already said that.
BITCH CLOCK: No, little boy, I need you to understand exactly what I'm saying to you right now. Your chili is amateur hour compared to the shit I've worked with over the years. If I was thinking about reopening my chili restaurant, I would put up a poster of your chili on display as an example of what not to make. You know why?
BUSTER: Because it sucks?
BITCH CLOCK: Exactly. But it has potential. You see, Buster, a lot of people stay stuck in a box when it comes to making chili. But if I chose to be just like them, I wouldn't have been able to do the things I've done over the years. Am I proud of everything? No, but I've lived my life. And that's what I plan to do for you.
Bitch Clock takes out a bottle of red wine and a bottle of vodka.
BUSTER: Why did you just pull out alcohol?
BITCH CLOCK: Because, Buster, I'm about to expose the secret ingredient of every chef known to man.
Bitch Clock pours a little wine in Buster's chili recipe, and then a little vodka. He then starts stirring the chili.
BUSTER: I think I'm in love with Carly Rae Jepsen and it scares me.
BITCH CLOCK: Alright, have a taste.
Buster tastes some of the chili.
BUSTER: Oh my God. This is...splendomenal.
BITCH CLOCK: Splendomenal?
BUSTER: Yeah. Splendomenal. It's my new word. It's a combination of splendid and phenomenal. Or maybe sensousing. Half sensational, half arousing.
BITCH CLOCK: No, you can stick with splendomenal. But was I right or was I right?
BUSTER: You were! But I don't get it, Bitch Clock. How can alcohol be the secret ingredient?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, Buster, cooks have been messing around with alcohol in their food for generations. It goes great with anything. Beer on chicken nuggets, whiskey with sponge cake, crystal meth with lemonade.
BUSTER: Meth isn't alcohol.
BITCH CLOCK: Doesn't have to be. The point is, people have used alcohol to get ahead since the dawn of time. I mean, when Gordon Ramsay films his shows, you think he's doing that shit for the cameras? No, it's because he gets pie faced off his own food before each taping. It's what makes him so brilliant and mentally sick at the same time.
BUSTER: Boy, I have a lot to learn about the industry. Well, I guess we can pack this up, let it sit for two weeks and it's off to the blue ribbon ceremony.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, no way, Buster. If you're going to win, you have to know every single aspect of this recipe. But just remember two things in particular: Always wine before vodka. And if the wine is red, you won't end up dead.
BUSTER: Bitch Clock, this isn't the time to start quoting Dr. Seuss. This is serious!
BITCH CLOCK: You stupid motherf***er.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all eating together the next day.
SPARKY: So we're all going to see Buster in action at the chili cook off, right?
RK: Isn't that two weeks from now?
SPARKY: Yeah, but why not confirm beforehand because I know one of you is going to skip out. Embarrassing me in front of all those people.
RK: Yeah, I'm going. Wade, you wanna be my plus one?
WADE: Of course.
JAYLYNN: I guess Halley can be my plus one.
RK: Halley? What happened to Anja?
BUSTER: Yeah, you two get in a fight?
JAYLYNN: Well, yeah, sorta. She's been acting cuckoo bananas lately and I'm just like, screw it, so I'm asking Halley.
SPARKY: I hope you two squash whatever it is though. Best friends shouldn't be fighting.
BUSTER: Yeah. I mean, this is just like the time Wade and I fought.
WADE: Buster, I'm not your best friend. Sparky is.
BUSTER: So? We still fought and I didn't appreciate it.
SPARKY: By the way, Buster, how's the chili thing going?
BUSTER: Oh, it's okay. Me and B...um...
Beat. Sparky looks at Buster with confusion.
BUSTER: Um, me and big talent. Yeah, my big talent is pushing me to make a recipe that will finally get me first prize.
SPARKY: Alright, cool. Well, when it's done, I want the first taste of the first prize recipe.
BUSTER: You got it, buddy.
There is an awkward silence for the next few seconds as the kids continue eating.
RK: Did the switcher miss his cue again? I swear, I'm about to go over there and...
SCENE 16
The Saleh Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Anja walks in while Lynne is resting on the couch.
ANJA: Well, it looks like I'm out.
LYNNE: What are you talking about?
ANJA: Halley told Ashley that Jaylynn asked her to the chili cook off and she said yes. So it looks like I'm done being Jaylynn's best friend.
LYNNE: No, you're not. This is not happening.
ANJA: Why are you not happy about this? You hate Jaylynn more than anyone.
LYNNE: Of course, I do. But you two not being best friends and me having nothing to do with it doesn't make me happy. It's like, it happened, but it didn't go the way I always dreamed it would.
ANJA: So what now?
LYNNE: You're just going to have to show Jaylynn who was there for her all these years. Halley can't just walk in and take your spot. You have to let her know you're still here.
ANJA: Yeah. Yeah, I just have to find a way to keep her from going to the chili cook off. Anything to get rid of Hallynn.
LYNNE: Hallynn?
ANJA: Yeah, it's just a ship name for Halley and Jaylynn.
LYNNE: What? Okay, dude, this is getting creepy. It was funny before, but now this needs to stop. I'm serious. I don't ever wanna hear you talk like that again.
SCENE 17
The Vidal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Anja is sitting on Halley's couch with a goofy smile on her face.
HALLEY: So Jaylynn was going to play a prank on me?
ANJA: Yeah. She was just going to take you to the chili thing and clown you in front of everyone.
HALLEY: Um, okay, that sounds like something a bitch would do.
ANJA: Hey, Jaylynn's not a bitch. She's just a little screwed up. In the head.
HALLEY: Well, if she's joking around with me like that, then I guess us hanging out all this time was just for show.
ANJA: I'm afraid so. I guess you two really aren't as cool as you thought you were. I don't know. I wouldn't call Jaylynn a user or an abuser, but you two haven't always gotten along. Maybe this is payback for something.
HALLEY: What?! Is she seriously still on that? It was a year ago. I thought we settled that.
ANJA: I guess not. You need to go after her, give her the hands. You know, square up and...things.
HALLEY: No, I'm not going to go to jail for assault. I know what I have to do.
SCENE 18
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Halley has stormed into Jaylynn's living room to confront her.
HALLEY: Are you some kind of sociopath? What the hell's the matter with you?!
JAYLYNN: Okay, you have absolutely no right to come in here and talk to me like that. And second, I have no idea what you're on right now but don't even think about giving it to me.
HALLEY: You were just pretending to be my friend the whole time. You only asked me to the chili cook off just so you could embarrass me there. Well, too bad, your dumbass plan failed.
JAYLYNN: What plan? Where are you getting this crap from?
HALLEY: That's not important. The point is, you're a freaking weirdo and you better stay the f*** away from me.
Halley leaves the house at that point.
JAYLYNN: What the...
Jaylynn picks up her phone and calls Anja, who is sipping on a glass of orange juice in her living room.
ANJA: Hello?
JAYLYNN: Did you have anything to do with Halley coming in here and screaming at me?
ANJA: No, of course not. Why would you think that?
JAYLYNN: Well, you just seemed like you were jealous of Halley. But whatever. Get this. She thinks I was faking being her friend so I could embarrass her at the chili cook off. What kind of f***ing weirdo thinks like that?
ANJA: Gee, I don't know. Maybe she's just a basket case. If I were you, Jaylynn, I would stay away from her for a while.
JAYLYNN: Please, who are you telling? I can't do anything about that bitch's low self-esteem. But do you want to go to the chili cook off with me? You know, unless you're busy or it's not really your thing. I don't care, I can go by myself.
ANJA: No, it's cool. I would love to go.
JAYLYNN: Okay, great. I just need a sweet, regular friend to hang out with.
ANJA: Well, I'm looking forward to it. It's for the best.
JAYLYNN: I agree. Well, I'll talk to you later.
Jaylynn hangs up and Anja starts laughing.
ANJA: I love it when all the dominoes fall like they should.
SCENE 19
The MacDougal Household
Interior Attic
Seattle, Washington
A few days before the contest, Buster and Bitch Clock are stirring the chili and tasting it with separate spoons.
BUSTER: This chili just keeps getting more splendomenal. I can't believe the chili cook off is in a few days.
BITCH CLOCK: How can you not believe it? Are you unaware of how time works?
BUSTER: Hey, I am sick and tired of you underestimating my intelligence.
BITCH CLOCK: Sorry, I just think most of what you say is sincere. At least now, you have the recipe down and you're on your way to a blue ribbon.
BUSTER: Yeah, but I still feel bad. I went behind Sparky's back to make this chili. When he finds out I asked for your help, he's gonna be devastated.
BITCH CLOCK: You guys over think everything. I'm pretty sure he won't give a shit.
BUSTER: How would you feel if your best friend asked for help from someone else to make chili?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, I would shoot them, but we're not the same person.
SPARKY: You guys working hard down here?
Buster gasps when he sees Sparky.
BUSTER: Sparky, it's not what it looks like! Um...we're doing a shot-for-shot remake of Ratatouille!
SPARKY: Marbles? Seriously? You couldn't have come up with a better excuse than that?
BITCH CLOCK: You told him we were playing marbles?!
BUSTER: It's the new tennis! Look, Sparky, I didn't wanna go behind your back, but it was all Bitch Clock's idea! He put me up to it!
BITCH CLOCK: What the hell are you smoking? You're the one who didn't want him to find out!
BUSTER: Oh, the way you hide your guilt is just filthy.
SPARKY: Buster, I'm not mad.
BUSTER: Wait, you're not? So you're not going to whop me?
BITCH CLOCK: No, but I should.
SPARKY: If we're going to be honest, I already knew. I mean, why else would you come to my house every night and hang out with a grown man trapped in an alarm clock's body?
BITCH CLOCK: I can't believe that's all you think of me.
SPARKY: The point is, I don't care if you didn't want my help. I'm always keeping my secret recipes anyway. I just wanted you to win.
BUSTER: Well, it was worth it, I guess. I mean, I finally have an award-winning chili.
SPARKY: So this is finally the year?!
BUSTER: You know it, man. And I couldn't have done it without you, Bitch Clock. But don't worry. I didn't blab about your existence so you won't have to be taken away by the government.
BITCH CLOCK: What?
SPARKY: Buster, Bitch Clock isn't an alien. Everyone knows who he is, he's not a secret.
BUSTER: He's not? I always thought you had magic powers, like on Marvin Marvin or some shit. And you were able to interact with the real world by disguising yourself.
BITCH CLOCK: There have been so many times where I've wanted to punch you in the face.
SCENE 20
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The day of the contest, Anja is checking herself in the mirror when Lynne walks in.
LYNNE: So I guess you and Jaylynn worked things out?
ANJA: Yup, thanks to my plan. I told Halley that Jaylynn only pretended to be her friend so she could embarrass her today, and I told Jaylynn that Halley's a basket case that she shouldn't hang out with.
LYNNE: Wow. I never thought I would see the day. Evil Anja. You know, this calls for a celebration.
ANJA: Maybe later. Right now, I have to go make sure Jaylynn and I have the best day ever. You know, I kinda have to thank Halley.
LYNNE: Why?
ANJA: Well, she made me see that I really care about Jaylynn. I would never do this for anyone else. I guess she really is my one true best friend.
LYNNE: You make it really hard for me to hate that girl when you talk about her like this.
ANJA: Good. That hate was starting to make you a little chunky anyway.
Lynne gives Anja an annoyed look.
SCENE 21
Columbia-Stanton Fairgrounds
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is waiting with RK and Wade near the entrance for Buster and Bitch Clock.
SPARKY: I thought Buster and Bitch Clock would be here already. The contest starts in 45 minutes.
RK: Hey, maybe they're trying to take their sweet time. You know, steady the old nerves.
WADE: That is a very effective strategy to reduce performance anxiety. You know, Tom Brady took a two-hour nap before Super Bowl XXXVI.
SPARKY: Really? Well, I guess I can't knock the method.
A large baby blue van arrives near the fairgrounds. The initials "B & B.C.'s C" are written on the side. Bitch Clock walks out of the van with a red hat that says "Time for Chili" on it.
BITCH CLOCK: Alright. It's Chili Day.
Bitch Clock walks up to the boys.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey chili boys. Ready to see some chili action?
WADE: Could you stop putting chili in all of your sentences?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, where's Buster?
RK: Yeah, and what the hell is that supposed to mean on your van?
BITCH CLOCK: Buster and Bitch Clock's Chili. Come on, man, get with the program.
SPARKY: Where is Buster?
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, he's still in the van. He was feeling pretty jittery so we had some brownies to mellow out.
SPARKY: Brownies?
RK: I'm guessing he means brownies that he made while listening to Bob Marley. Or Dr. Dre, or Miley Cyrus, we can go all day with this.
SPARKY: You gave a nine-year-old boy a weed brownie? What the hell, man? That's illegal and he has to compete in less than an hour!
BITCH CLOCK: Relax, it's not like he's that different from the usual Buster.
Buster walks out of the van, smells his hand, smiles, and walks towards the guys.
SPARKY: Buster, are you okay?
BUSTER: Hey Sparky. Hey, have you ever wondered if all of us as human beings are made of paper?
SPARKY: That's it, I'm this close to entering on his behalf.
BITCH CLOCK: Don't worry, man, he'll be fine. Let's just sign up and get the chili ingredients later. Wait a minute. Where are the chili ingredients?
WADE: They would be in the van.
BUSTER: Oh my God. Buster Clock's right.
BUSTER AND BITCH CLOCK: THEY'RE IN THE VANNNNNNNN!
Buster and Bitch Clock high five while laughing and then fall over.
SPARKY: I don't think this is going to be a blue ribbon year.
SCENE 22
Columbia-Stanton Fairgrounds
Interior Main Gate
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Anja are walking around the fairgrounds looking at the various chili tables on display.
JAYLYNN: Wow, they really went all out this year with the displays.
ANJA: Yeah, it looks great. Hey, how many bowls are you eating?
JAYLYNN: Probably five, but I want to save room for Buster's leftovers. I hear he has the best entry this year.
ANJA: You know, I actually have a thing for spicy chili.
JAYLYNN: Really? I didn't know that. I thought Muslims couldn't eat that stuff.
ANJA: Well, actually, as long as it's halal, we can eat practically anything. Except pork. If you ever serve me pork, I'm never speaking to you again. Let's go find some halal chili.
JAYLYNN: Sure, lead the way.
SCENE 23
Columbia-Stanton Fairgrounds
Interior Cooking Area
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Bitch Clock are in the middle of preparing their chili as the judges stroll by various tables for sneak peeks.
BUSTER: Bitch Clock, I think that brownie made me slower.
BITCH CLOCK: That statement doesn't really mean much to me.
BUSTER: I'm serious. I even forgot the chili tips you gave me. What were they? Starve a cold and feed a fever?
BITCH CLOCK: No, they're "Wine before vodka" and "If the wine is red, you won't end up dead."
BUSTER: Is there a reason why those rules exist?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, wine tends to mix better with the chili ingredients when it goes first. It's the starter and the vodka is just the backup. And red wine has a more flavorful, potent taste than white wine so it's way better for chili.
BUSTER: Could you use white wine in chili?
BITCH CLOCK: I guess. Why are you asking me these questions anyway?
BUSTER: I'm just trying to make conversation. I'm bored, man.
BITCH CLOCK: Then just keep dicing those tomatoes because we have to get this shit done.
BUSTER: Or I could take out your new batteries and toss your ass in the pier we passed by over here.
BITCH CLOCK: You're a monster.
Bitch Clock looks around and sees a guy walking by tables on the other side of the fairgrounds. His eyes widen and his pupils dart back and forth.
BITCH CLOCK: Holy shit!
Bitch Clock dives under the table.
BUSTER: What are you doing? We have to finish the chili.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, I can't see Gary. I just can't see Gary right now.
BUSTER: What? Who's Gary?! I don't know what's going on here!
The judges approach the table.
MALE JUDGE #1: This chili smells delicious.
BUSTER: Thank you. You know, my partner and I worked on it together.
FEMALE JUDGE: Oh, really, where are they?
BUSTER: They're under the table. Come on, Bitch Clock, get up. The judges are here.
The judges look bewildered by Buster's statement.
SCENE 24
Columbia-Stanton Fairgrounds
Interior Main Gate
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Anja are eating bowls of chili on a bench.
ANJA: You know, this is some of the best chili I've ever had.
JAYLYNN: Right? I mean, whoever these guys are, they might take it this year. Wait a minute. Who's that?
Anja looks up and sees Halley approaching the girls.
ANJA: Oh no. It looks like the basket case.
JAYLYNN: You know what? I'll ignore her. Won't even say a word to her.
Halley reaches the bench.
HALLEY: Hi Anja. What's she doing here?
JAYLYNN: I'm here to root for Buster, obviously. What are you doing here?
HALLEY: The exact same thing. Now could you not talk to me? I'm here to have fun.
JAYLYNN: Please, like you came to have fun. Your idea of fun is screaming at me and walking away like a chump. Don't throw stones and hide your hands, bitch.
HALLEY: Oh, I throw stones? You're the asshole who just used me so you could play some sick joke. Thank God Anja put me on to what a snake really is.
JAYLYNN: What do you mean, Anja put you on?
Jaylynn gives Anja a look of anger. Elsewhere, Buster is trying to stall at his table.
BUSTER: Look, I have no idea what my friend is doing but he's really pissing me off right now BY NOT SHOWING UP. You know how it is.
MALE JUDGE #2: Um, kid, I'm not sure you have a partner. You might be making this up.
BUSTER: I'm not making this up. My partner is an alarm clock. He's an alcoholic and a chili expert. He was helping me get ahead.
FEMALE JUDGE: Your partner is an inanimate object?
BUSTER: No, he's fully animated, the Koreans draw him all the time! LOOK, I'M NOT CRAZY. BITCH CLOCK IS SOMEWHERE HERE, HE RAN AWAY!
MALE JUDGE #1: I think this child is demented or has multiple personality disorder.
Buster sighs.
BUSTER: I'm going to let you guys know one more time that I'm not crazy. MY BEST FRIEND'S TALKING ALARM CLOCK HELPED ME MAKE THIS CHILI! HIS NAME IS BITCH CLOCK! HE HAS AN ALCOHOL CELLAR IN MY BEST FRIEND'S ATTIC! HE LIKES TO WEAR OTHER PEOPLE'S PAJAMAS AT NIGHT! Does that sound crazy to you?!
The judges run away from Buster, who chases after them.
BUSTER: COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! HELP ME FIND THAT WINO!
SCENE 25
Columbia-Stanton Fairgrounds
Interior Main Gate
Seattle, Washington
Anja is in the middle of a standoff between Jaylynn and Halley.
JAYLYNN: Anja, you told me you had nothing to do with this.
HALLEY: Wait a minute, Anja?! This all goes back to YOU?!
ANJA: Yeah, it does! You're happy now? I told Halley that you were just using her, Jaylynn. And I told Jaylynn that you were a basket case, Halley. I turned you guys against each other so you wouldn't hang out anymore.
JAYLYNN: So not only did you lie to Halley, you lied to me? Why?
ANJA: Because I was sick and tired of you giving all your time to Halley. All of a sudden, you guys were best friends and I was left standing out in the cold.
JAYLYNN: Because you didn't want to give me your time anymore! Anja, do you know how much it sucks to want to do things with you and you tell me no? Or that you have homework or you're hanging out with Lynne or you're tired? I'm sick of it. That's why I started hanging out with Halley. She wanted to be around me, you didn't.
ANJA: Oh my God. Jaylynn, you're right. I was jealous of Halley this whole time because she was just doing what I used to do. I guess I started taking our friendship for granted and now, I don't know what to do. I feel like such a loser.
HALLEY: Jesus Christ, why are people jealous of me? I'm not that special!
ANJA: Oh, shut up with the humble act. You're like cellophane.
HALLEY: You're talking right now? You act like a goody two shoes all the time but not only did you start this, you made it worse and tried to be an instigator. I don't even know why Jaylynn hangs out with you.
Anja growls and tosses her bowl of chili at Halley.
HALLEY: You're insane, right? I mean, you have to be losing your mind right now.
ANJA: Halley, I'm not scared of you. You don't even care about Jaylynn like that. You just came in when it was easy for you.
At that point, Halley runs towards Anja and tackles her. She then punches her a couple times until Jaylynn tries to separate the two. Halley elbows Jaylynn out of the way and continues going after Anja. Anja's hand slowly balls up into a fist and she punches Halley in the eye. She then kicks her a few times, punches her in the stomach, picks her up and launches her into a giant bowl of chili on display. The attack effectively ends the fight as several onlookers rush to the scene. Cut to Sparky, RK, and Wade.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. Is that Anja and Halley?!
RK: That's not Anja and Halley, that's a picture of Anja and Halley!
Sparky and Wade give RK an annoyed expression.
RK: I'm sorry, I just always wanted to use that.
Now covered in chili, Anja tries to get up and is helped up by some of the attendees. She looks around for Jaylynn, but she is nowhere to be found.
ANJA: Jaylynn? Jaylynn?! JAYLYNN?!
Anja's leg gives out and she ends up falling down. The camera slowly zooms out to a bird's-eye view shot of the fairgrounds as more and more people head to the fight scene to help the girls.
SCENE 26
The Hernandez Household
Exterior Front Yard
Seattle, Washington
That night, Jaylynn is sitting on a chair on her porch as she nurses her black eye with a bag of frozen vegetables. Anja arrives limping with a black eye of her own and sits next to Jaylynn. There is an awkward silence for a few seconds.
ANJA: Hey, how funny was Between the Lions?
JAYLYNN: I have only one good eye because of a fight I tried to stop and you're talking about a freaking PBS show?
ANJA: I'm just trying to break the ice here. I had to get all the chili taken off my clothes and keep Lynne from trying to kill Halley before I came here.
JAYLYNN: Sucks for you.
Beat.
ANJA: You know, I've had a whole bunch of friends. And every one of them ended up disappearing somehow. I just don't trust people that easily. Half the time, I don't even trust myself. But you're one of the first people that I could say I would give a kidney for.
JAYLYNN: Seriously? You would give a kidney for me?
ANJA: Or some other kind of internal organ, I don't really know. Look, this whole thing taught me that I really care about you. You're my best friend, Jaylynn, and I can't let Halley or whoever change that. I'm just really sorry I had to lie to you so I could realize that.
JAYLYNN: You know, I never thought in a million years that you would do this. But hey, first time for everything.
ANJA: I know. And even after I told you not to lie to me. I don't like this side of me, Jaylynn. This jealous me. Halley's right. If I'm going to keep pushing you away, maybe you should get a new best friend.
JAYLYNN: But I don't want a new best friend. I want you. I want Anja Saleh. The brainiac, the sarcastic girl, the goody two shoes, the wannabe mom. That's what makes you you. I can't change that even if I wanted to.
ANJA: You seriously don't want me to be more like Halley?
JAYLYNN: Hell no. I like cracking jokes with Halley and spending time with her, but you're my best friend. We're a team, and you can't break up one of the best teams in the universe.
ANJA: You really can't. But I should at least make the effort to hang out with you more often. It's not always about me.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but it's not always about me either. We just have to talk to each other.
ANJA: Yeah, honestly, 95% of what happens to all of us wouldn't happen if we just communicated better. So are we cool again?
JAYLYNN: Of course we are.
Jaylynn and Anja struggle to hug each other due to their injuries, but are able to do it.
JAYLYNN: By the way, you should really stop listening to Lynne.
ANJA: How did you know we were talking?
JAYLYNN: Come on, the jealousy, the scheming, you giving Halley the hands? Someone got in your head.
ANJA: Yeah, it's true. I went to a different dimension today.
Beat.
ANJA: Hey, do you guys still sit on the couch and wrap things up?
JAYLYNN: Yeah.
ANJA: Great.
SCENE 27
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, TSE, Bitch Clock, and Anja are all together for the weekly wrap up.
SPARKY: You know, I'm glad everything worked out and everything is finally back to normal.
RK: When were things not normal?
SPARKY: Well, Halley hates Anja now so I guess I'm contradicting myself so who knows? Buster, you really showed up to play at the chili cook off. You earned that blue ribbon, man.
BUSTER: Sparky, they only gave me this ribbon because they thought I was mentally disabled. If I didn't watch my step, they probably would have called the cops on me. Bitch Clock, I can't believe you left me there!
BITCH CLOCK: I'm sorry, Buster, but I didn't know Gary was going to be there. We used to make chili together but we went our separate ways and now I can't even look at him.
BUSTER: I'm never going to understand anything about your life.
ANJA: I guess I'll have to apologize to Halley.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but what you told me yesterday was really sweet. I think it's awesome how you were jealous of someone.
ANJA: No, it wasn't, I turned into an animal.
JAYLYNN: Which I'm going to tease you for. Haha, you care about your best friend, stupid!
ANJA: Hey, shut up. You want the hands?
JAYLYNN: Name the time and the place, sister.
RK: You guys are going to make my rash come back.
JAYLYNN: You're just mad because you'll never have this.
RK: Oh, really? Hey, Wade, you care about me, stupid!
WADE: How does me worrying about my best friend serve as an indicator of my intelligence?
RK: You're trolling me, aren't you?
WADE: A little bit.
Beat.
BUSTER: Hey, Bitch Clock, do you still have more of those special brownies?
BITCH CLOCK: Legally, I'm not allowed to answer that right now.
Cut to black.
("Always" by Killswitch Engage plays in the end credits)
©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS