Her name was Sakana Karatsu, which means "beautiful woman" in Japanese, because before she could even count ten fingers, anybody could see that she was the pure essence of beauty. Though her friends liked to call her, simply, Ragtime, because of this really cool fanfiction author she reminded them of. Her hair was long, white, and shone brilliantly, bearing dozens of bright ribbons in all different colors.
"The bows represent the number of boyfriends I have ever had," she once told an interviewer (because she is a movie star and gets interviewed all the time), "because I'm so pretty." The interview did not last more than five minutes, as the host had to be rushed to a hospital due to a severe case of caligynephobia.
But I digress.
It was a rather ordinary afternoon when she first signed up for the Military; being the well-read and worldly wise sophisticated young adult she was, of course Sakana had read all about the never-ending battle between the REDs and the BLUs for the right to territory in WorldIssuesBiweekly, and naturally was itching to join the cause.
Upon arriving at the recruitment center, Sakana was asked to fill out papers, mostly liability waivers and those regarding what her particular talent was, that might assist the war between eighteen practiced, competent, soulless men. Eagerly she began to scribble a list.
"Knitting," she began brightly, making sure as she did so to translate the words into fourteen languages, including braille and dyslexia, on the off chance that the administrative staff may be blind or linguistically handicapped. "Neurochemistry, weight lifting, tennis."
A kind woman with messy black hair pulled back in two untidy buns and bright wide eyes through sleek secretary glasses sat clacking away in a nearby desk on a typewriter. Her lips were puckered and slathered in bright red lipstick that clashed with her plum-colored blouse.
"Excuse me," said Sakana. "Miss... Miss Pauling, is it?"
The woman looked up. "Y-yes. How did you know?"
"Lucky guess," she shrugged, making sure to pencil "soothsayer" onto her list. "I'd like to know if I could borrow some scrap paper." Sakana held up the most recent document she had filled out, covered entirely in her written list of talents.
Needless to say the office ran out of paper that day.
The only problem remaining, however, when she was immediately accepted into the forces, was that of which team to choose. BLU was her more preferred color (it complimented her eyes), but she knew as a good and politically correct Samaritan she couldn't discriminate against RED even if their representative color was sub-standard. But Sakana was a creative thinker - in fact, in addition to just about everything else in the yearbook, she was voted "Most Likely to Think Her Way Out of a Sticky Wicket" senior year in high school.
She found herself in the office of one Helen Somethingorother, an old cantankerous woman with the look of a cat that was recently rained on. Sakana pulled out a large sign painted with big, bright letters: PUR. Underneath it was a kawaii neko, done in lavender.
"RED and BLU hardly cover the whole spectrum," Sakana explained, using a pointer to indicate parts of the display. "How could you possibly have an ongoing war and be looking for new members, when the fighting sides hardly represent a full demographic? Which is why I present to you: Team Purple! PUR for short. It's a new group with a lot of spunk, combining the optimal traits of both the RED and BLU teams."
"But what about the team wear?" Helen croaked. "We'll have to repaint everything in the Mann Co. store just to get it to fit with your stupid new color!"
"So?"
"It will require the construction of- of new bases! On every battle site!"
"And?"
"The consequences are enormous and the advantages are slim to none," the woman said, strumming her fingers impatiently on the table.
"But I like purple better than red and blue!" said Sakana. She batted her enormous eyelashes over her huge, sparkling eyes to really seal the deal.
"Well golly, swolly!" said the Administrator in a completely typical fashion. "Start building those purple teams right away! And put that graphogram of yours in an art museum, before it oxidizes!"
"Oh, this?" Sakana said, pointing towards the big PURPLE sign.
"Shucks, of course!"
"Can't, I've already arranged for it to be donated to a charity for orphans!"
"Oh, that can't be helped."
And without hesitation, the Administrator turned over a new lief and adopted Sakana as her granddaughter the very same afternoon, and sent for task forces to start building Team PUR's bases immediately. Due to the enormous demand and Sakana herself offering some assistance, they were completed on the hour and she was able to finally enroll in the forces.
Sakana settled into PUR's base on one of the sites, a shoddy little outhouse named 2fort, for obvious reasons. Of course the place was overlooked by the looming balconies of Team PURPLE's mansion ("But how are we going to possibly manage without seventeen stories in our building? Yes, the ballroom is completely necessary!), an enormous architectural opus garnished with violets sprouting from ivy (because Sakana is a really cool gardener the plants just do whatever she says. She is kind of like Fluttershy only with plants AND animals. Also she is not a pony) that twisted itself along the diamond walls (an extremely worthwhile investment on the construction team's part, if you ask me). As her first act as a proud member of the militia, she decided to take a bath in her jacuzzi tub.
Outside, the battle practically began as it ended. The RED and BLU Heavies and their respective Medics stood opposite each other, both facing PUR's base and wondering what on earth such a wonderful, monstrous thing was.
"My EYEEEE!" said RED Demoman, as its diamond exterior reflected sunlight into his face. RED Medic mumbled something about a Medigun being ineffective for such uses.
BLU Scout was already making his way inside.
"HELLO?" he said, banging a fish wrapped in newspaper rudely on the door. "Yo, I said HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?" When no response came, he shrugged and slipped inside, popping his head out to wave on the rest of the team. "Hey, fellas, get in here! It's AWESOME, man!"
Indeed, he had been enraptured by the $14,000 chandelier (Grandma Helen's housewarming gift) that dazzled over the main lobby before two matching sets of spiraling staircases that led up to the residential floors. "Woah," the other men breathed, stepping into the foyer and marveling at the sight themselves.
"Hey, fellas, listen!" They all leaned in as the sound of a young girl singing carried from an upstairs bathroom. A wide oafish grin grew on Scout's face, and the men instinctively tip-toed up the white marble stairs.
"NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A GIRL, GETS ANYTHING SHE WANTS ~, SOMETHING ABOUT PANTS ~." Sakana bellowed her favorite Vanessa Hudgens jams, the steam of her hot tub bath rising up around her and fogging up the enormous mirrors covering the room. Outside, large Russian men and masked Pyros alike all crammed in a heap to hear what was going on. BLU Scout was on top of RED Spy's shoulders, much to the latter's chagrin, the maestro of the scene.
He waved the party in for whispered news. "Now, just remember, you boys are my best friends if anything happens to us. You're good men, good comrades, don't change a thing. But in there? Judgin' by my senses, I think that thing in there is a girl!" Spy practically threw him at the wall.
"Well of course eetz a girl, you stupid, stupid wench." Still holding the kid with his elbows, he began to one-handedly light a cancer stick. "How many men do you know with that high of a voice?"
"Mmmph mmfph!"
"Thank you, Pyro."
Soldier chimed in, though his chiming was more comparable to an industrial roar of malfunctioning machinery: "You maggots! Get outta the way! If this is one of those WOMEN we're talking about, I think the situation best be handled by me!" He marched to the door and hammered away, making a large, fist-shaped dent in the new cherry-grove paneling:
"IF YOU'RE NAKED AND A WOMAN SURRENDER YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY!"
Sakana yelped like a stove-top tea kettle and ducked for cover pointlessly underneath the tub's bubbles. "Go away!" she cried, the words indecipherable due to being underwater. Soldier turned with excitement to the fellow warriors.
"Y'see, boys? That's how you tell if she's a woman." He folded his arms and smiled smugly. But Scout still held a look of doubt.
"'Ey, maybe we oughta check to make sure, huh? I don't want to walk in on a man or anything." He leaped from Spy's shoulders, his hand found the silver handle to the door, and he slowly pushed it open.
A bar of expensive soap hit him square in the hose. "GO AWAY!" a girlish voice screamed. Though the sound was reminiscent of that of a dying crow, Scout heard it as an aria - his heart grew three sizes that day - and instantly fell in love with the naked girl in the bubble bath he saw before him. Falling to his knees and mouth agape, he pulled out a lint-studded package of stale crackers from his pants pocket.
"Look, I ain't got much - all I got are these crackers! But, they're better than any old diamond ring because... I love you. I don't know your name, but love is blind, yknow? I tink Shakespore wrote dat one. Love is blind, yeah. But that ain't the point o' da matter. Please. You gotta marry me, dollface. I'll die if ya don't."
She took one look at him, and with a deep and sudden breath hollered:
"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW THERE'S A BOY IN HERE AND I'M TAKING A BAAAAAAATH!"
The other men came rushing in to see what was the matter. All budging through the doorframe at once, they fell on top of each other in a heap, Soldier on the bottom. The BLU Medic was the first to recover. Adjusting his spectacles, he said:
"Vat a beautiful angel! I zink I am in love, ja!" Scout shot him a look.
"Back off, she's mine, chucklenuggets."
"Correction," said Sakana, standing up with a haughty gesture to give the boys the what-four. "I'm nobody's. I don't know any of you, and I personally think that NONE of you are worth marrying if you think it's alright to- to barge in on a lady like this."
It was then that she realized she was naked. She screamed in a rather unladylike manner and fell over in a scramble to cover herself with the nearest towel. The men shuffled in their places and cleared their throats awkwardly as she did so.
"Well uh, you all heard the lady," Scout fumbled, breaking the silence. "This uh - this ain't gentlemanlike!"
"But this was YOUR idea, maggot!" barked Soldier.
"Mmmhph MMFFF!"
"Thank you, Pyro."
BLU Scout eyed his bride-to-be with a look of fear - these bozos were screwing things up for him! "Listen, sweet cheeks, all these fellas? They're real jerks. They nothin'. Terrible, terrible people." The men murmured a few resentful remarks at this. "But they can be real, real chivalric if that's what you want, doll. Like uh, uh-" Frantically the boy looked around for an idea of how to play the part of a gent. "Heavy! Whaddya doin, wearing shoes inside! In a lady's home, too! Take 'em off, fatzo!"
"Uh... Heavy is sorry." Off the shoes went.
"MY EYE!" Demoman batted at his face, a new bruise swelling over the left size in the shape of a large, Russian man's footwear.
"Wear shoes if you want." Sakana parted the crowd like the Red Sea and strutted halfway out the door. "It's not like you haven't RUINED MY LIFE ALREADY! I'm going upstairs to change into my sparkling new dress! Hmmph!" She left them in the large, master bathroom in a daze. But they recovered quickly, and huddled in a circle like a football team arranging a play.
"Pinch me, I must be dreaming!" sighed RED Medic dreamily. "Never in my 57 years have I ever met a woman as attractive as the immature teenage girl I have just witnessed throwing a soap bar at my general direction. Oh, pinch me! Pinch me!"
He collapsed to the floor in a spasming heap.
"I SAID 'PINCH!' NOT 'BACKSTAB!'"
"Sorry," lied RED Spy with a devilish grin, sheathing a newly used butterfly knife. "I am hard of hearing."
"Mmmph mmmmph!"
"Yes, thank you, Pyro."
RED Heavy stepped in and raised a fist. "Heavy Weapons Guy must have tiny girl on team! Or else Heavy will be very angry!"
"Your team?" said BLU Sniper with a snarl. "I think you meant to say the BLU Team, you bloody fat man!" The other BLU's cheered him on.
"Want to have wrestling match over girl?" He flexed his enormous, flabby arms, making their fat jiggle menacingly. Sniper gulped.
"Err, hold that thought. Scout just paged me, mates, said he wants to fight you 'imself." Sniper rushed out the door, waving his arms like a crazeman and running out of breath instantly because he really needs to renew that fitness center membership subscription sometime this month.
"Wait," said RED Spy. "Where eez Scout?"
The Boston boy was, in fact, already up the next flight of stairs and waiting impatiently at Sakana's large, master bedroom French doors. He had taken off his ball cap and was sleeking down his hair with dripping wads of spit to look jazzed up like folks do for a night on the town. Eventually she emerged, surprised to see him, but wearing a beautiful pale pink ball gown studded with orphans. It was red and black and looked like Itachi from Naruto only as a dress because he's hot.
"My sun dress," she said.
"Honey girl, you didn't have ta' put on some fancy robes jus' for me."
"I didn't." Sakana began to walk away, chin up in the air parallel to the walls and hips in full swing. Scout ran to catch up with her.
"Wait! Sweet doll! Listen!" She stopped to humor him but didn't take her eyes off the space in front of her.
"I'm sorry 'bout da way my boys acted, I swear! Butchyoo gotta believe me, I love ya, baby cakes, more dan da sun and da moon and Uranus put together!"
"Excuse me?"
"I meant N-Neptune!" he said without missing a beat. "Yknow, like da comet."
"No. I don't. Neptune is a planet, ding-dong."
"THERE SHE IS!" The crowd of lusty men looked up at her wide eyed and dog-tongued, RED Spy leading the gang and pointing at her with an accusatory finger. "EEP!" Sakana cried, quick to dash the opposite direction down the hall, towards her upstairs indoor swimming pool!" The men started forward.
"Wait!" cried RED Demoman. "The lassie's mansion is probably filled with the spookers! Ye know, lads, traps and all kinds of things."
Spy raised an eyebrow. "And?"
"What if she be tryin to trick us!"
"LET US RUN IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION!" Heavy said stupidly. BLU Medic facepalmed in disgust at the downright genius of his stockier foe.
"YEAH!" chorused the thick of the other men, equally as dumb. They all began to charge towards the front entrance, tripping over furniture in their path as they went, leaving only RED Spy, RED Pyro, and BLU Medic behind.
"Vell, zat is embarrassing. I really need to find a better team."
"Mmmphf mmmfh."
"Danke, Pyro. Now, to approach ze girl vith love and compassion!"
RED Spy beamed. "Yes," he said, "and to have her join our team!"
"Ja, team BLU!" cried Medic, pumping a fist into the air with way too much excitement for a 57-year-old insane German doctor to have whilst discussing the aggregation of an obnoxious teenager to a team.
"Err, non. I believe you mean RED team. That eez tha one she eez going to join."
"Eheheeh, no no no. BLU team."
"RED team."
"BLU team."
"RED TEAM."
"BLU team."
"RED TEAM!"
"BLU team."
"RED TEAM!"
"Alright vhatever I do not have time for zis. I have frauleins to fuck and the time is a vasting!" He trudged up the stairs with utmost enthusiasm.
"Mmmf mmph mmmff!"
"Danke schon, Pyro!"
Spy looked at his masked comrade. "Well, eetz just you and me, mon fire-happy friend." Pyro mmmmrrpghfhrhgfh'd cheerfully in response. "We have not a moment to lose. Let's go and find ze girl!" The men stormed up the stairs in Medic's wake, eager to find Sakana.
Scout at her side, the girl sat daintily on a white painted bench, rustic and timeless against the wide variety of garden flora.
"Wait... weren't we headed towards a swimming pool?" Scout said, looking around rather dumbfounded. "How'd we get back here?"
"So you want to marry me?" Sakana began casually while studying her ruby-painted nails. "Do you reeeeally want to marry me?"
"Of course I do, pigeon. You're the doll I live and die for!"
She batted her eyelashes. "Would you do aaaanything to make me happy?"
"Of course, sweet pea." In his lap was thrust a pencil and notepad.
"Good," she chimed," because I'm making you my own personal minute taker. You're going to be writing me my autobiography!"
"I am?" Tears of joy filled his eyes.
"Yup! I need somebody who can take down my toils and transfer them into fine literature! Ready?" Scout nodded. "Ok. Chapter 1. MY LIFE SUCKS! OMG! PEOPLE SAID THAT I SHOULDN'T USE LIKE, LIKE A FEMALE OC I MADE UP WHO'S A NEW TENTH CLASS IN MY AWESOME MEDIC STORY AND OMG MY LIFE IS RUINED!" She began to sob into her satin handkerchief.
"Wha? You're not making any sense in context at all! What happened?"
"Nothing," she sobbed, recalling on all the hardships of her life. "I just... feel like I give... so much. And I never ever get anything I want EVER! It's not fair!"
"I hear ya," Scout said, passioning her softly on the cheek.
"Thanks, kid whose name I don't know." Suddenly, the sound could be heard of doors slamming open behind them.
"French doors," Spy said triumphantly, slinking in with a lit cigarette and magically winding up on the bench with Sakana nearly on top of him, Pyro stumbling in behind. "Nice touch. But you know what else is French?"
"Let me guess," she said with an obvious tone of sarcasm.
"It starts with an S and has three letters!"
"Mmmmph!"
"Thank you, Pyro. The lady can answer for herself."
She put a hand on her chin. "Gee, I wonder. Could it be Spy?" (how she knew the names of all the classes is due to the fact that she is my OC and it's my story so I can do whatever I want.)
"No, but you're close! It was SEX! Particularly with juicy morsels such as yourself."
A wet, sloppy fish met him cold in the face. "Woah woah woah, Chuck," Scout said, beating the man with his melee weapon. "Back off of the chick. She's mine."
"Mmmmmmph!" Pyro got excited and set everything on fire.
"Pyro, you flame-retardant retard!" cried Spy, offending a third of the audience with his lack of rhetorical sensitivity or some shit.
"Wait, how'd da wet fish catch on fiya?"
"MY BEAUTIFUL GARDEN! FML! THIS IS SYMBOLISM OF MY REAL TEENAGE LIFE AND ITS HORRIBLE PROBLEMS ALSO I AM A CHRIST FIGURE!"
Pyro shrugged and began to dance.
And then I reached 3,000 words so Medic showed up and everyone had an enormous fire orgy the end.
Except Demoman. He was too drunk.