Yo, wappup my dudes. This is Supernatural But I Made It Gayer, a complete rewrite of Supernatural starting from season 8. Just a note before we get started, though: if a chapter is untitled, I made it up. Also, the gay starts in Chapter 2. If you wanna know more about this disaster, my Tumblr is blog/princesslink25.
Supernatural But I Made It Gayer
Chapter 1
We Need to Talk About Kevin (We do. We really do. How does he break every game he plays?)
Our story starts (or, I suppose, continues) in Maine's 100 Mile Wilderness. I wonder if. it's actually a hundered miles. Hmm.
Anyway, a young couple was camping when they saw a strange light. The woman, who I'm gonna call Gertrude 'cause it's shorter then writing "the woman" whenever she does anything, shook her boyfriend awake.
"Will, wake up," she said, "Something's happening."
"Grumble. Go back to sleep," said her boyfriend, Will.
Then, they heard footsteps and saw a shadow outside. Doodoo doodoo doodoo doodoo (How does one write the Twilight Zone theme?)
"Will, go do something," Gertrude insisted.
Will groaned and grabbed a flashlight before going outside.
"Hello?" he called. After looking around for like five seconds, he said, "I think it was a deer or something."
He turned to go back into the tent, when he heard a noise behind him. He turned around to see a very dirty man holding a large bladed weapon of some sort. It just so happens that this dirty bird is one of Our Heroes, Dean Winchester.
"Where am I?" Dean asked rudely.
"What?" Will asked, wondering if Dean was drunk or high or something.
"What's shakin' Bacon?" Gertrude asked, coming out of the tent.
Dean pulled out a gun and pointed it at Gertrude and Will.
"Dude, chill," Will said.
"Where's the road?" Dean asked, still being super rude.
Will pointed somewhere and said, "Twelve miles that way."
Dean, still keeping his gun trained on the couple, slowly walked away. Then, he stole one of their bags and ran off.
Four days later, in Clayton, Louisiana...
A bright orange pick-up truck stopped in the middle of the street, and good old Deany- Dean got out. The truck driver gave him directions and drove off, hopefully to replace his unfortunately colored truck. Dean continued down the road, holding his arm and occasionally flicking it. I do the same thing when my hands're wet. If you're wondering why they're wet, it's 'cause I'm NOT FECKING DIRTY! Just wash your hands, 'kay.
Anyway, it was night and Dean had arrived at his destination. Turn he dug up a grave. When he was done, he rolled up his sleeve and his arm wwas all glowy and stuff.
"Dude, can you just wait like five seconds," he sighed.
He cut his arm and held it over the bones in the grave. The glowy stuff dripped out of his arm while he said a few words.
"Okay," Dean said, rolling down his sleeve.
There was a man behind Dean.
"What took you so long?" the man asked.
"Kept you waitin', huh?" Dean said sarcastically, "You're welcome."
The man cracked his neck.
"Everything good?" Dean asked.
"Good enough," said the man, opening his mouth to reveal Sharp, Pointy Vampire Teeth (TM).
"So, what now?" he asked.
"Like we talked about," Dean said.
"This is the end, friend," the man said.
"Be careful Benny," Dean said and they shook hands.
"We're here, Brother," Benny said, sounding surprised, "We made it."
They hugged.
In Kermit, Texas there were lots of frogs. And if there weren't, there should've been. It's in the name.
Anyway, Sam was packaging a bag. He petted the doggy that was sleeping on his bed with his girlfriend. Then he petted her too, for good measure. Turn he went outside and got in The Car (TM) and drove away (this was all at night, BTW).
It was night, and now it's day when Sam pulled up to a cabin. He went inside, only to have Dean dump Holy Water on him.
"I'm not a demon," Sam said.
Dean then sprayed him with Borax.
"Or a Leviathan," (whale demon) he said.
Dean grabbed Sam's arm and cut him with a knife.
"Or a Shifter," Dean said, satisfied, "Okay, my turn."
He tried to give Sam the Holy Water and Borax (okay, but why not Borax and Holy Water. Like, mixed together. Two birds, one stone).
"No," Sam said, "I know it's you."
"Dammit!" Dean said, dumping Holy Water and Borax on himself, then holding his knife out to Sam.
"Can't I just say hello?" Sam sighed.
"'Course you can," Dean said.
"Okay, hello."
"Okay, now," Dean said, nudging Sam with the knife (not the stabby part).
"NO," Sam said.
Dean groaned and cut himself.
"Well, that's that," he said, wrapping up his arm.
"I don't know whether to hug you or take a shower," Sam said.
They hugged.
"Okay, shower! Shower!" Sam shouted, "Dude, you stink."
"Well, it's not like I could just take a shower. And I didn't have deoderant or anything," Dean said defensively, pulling away.
"You mean... you don't have deoderant with you at all times?" Sam asked, dumbfounded.
"What, no," Dean said, "Why, do you?"
Sam silently pulled a stick of deoderant out of his pocket. Dean sighed.
"Where were you, anyway?" Sam asked, putting the deodorant back into his pocket.
"Purgatory," Dean said bluntly.
"The whole year?"
"Well, ya' know what they say. Time flies when you're running for your life," Dean shrugged.
"... No one says that," Sam said.
Dean sighed.
"How'd you get out?" Sam asked.
"Oh, y'know," Dean said with a strange accent, "Ways."
Okay... what about Cas?" Sam asked.
Dean walked away to stare at the wall.
"He... didn't make it," he said.
"What's that supposed to mean" Sam asked.
"Things got bad and he just... let it go," (I know it's too early, but I don't give a shit) Dean said.
"Okay, did you see him die?" Sam asked.
"I saw enough," Dean said.
"So... he could still be alive? Maybe?" Sam asked hopefully.
"I said I saw enough," Dean said turning to face Sam, "What are you, my therapist? Jeez."
Sam sighed.
"I'm sorry," he said.
Dean went to the refrigerator and got two beers (don't drink kids) and handed one to Sam before sitting at the table.
"Me too," he said, "Y'know half your numbers're outta service? Felt like I was leaving messages in the wind."
"I... did't get your messages," Sam admitted.
"Why?" Dean asked.
"'Cause I kinda... ditched the phones," Sam said guiltily.
Dean stared at him blankly.
"Something happened and I don't hunt anymore," Sam said quickly.
"Yeah, and Sasha Grey's gone legit," Dean said sarcastically. Sam made a face and Dean said, "What?"
"Well, she did a Soderbergh movie," Sam offered.
"What?"
"She-"
"No, you quit?" Dean asked.
They argued about that for a while, but I'll spare you all that.
Later, at night, Dean was going through a whole box of phones.
"Hey, you want dinner?" Sam asked.
"Pass," Dean said putting in an earbud.
"Okay," Sam said, stirring something (I hope it's mac'n'cheese).
Sam was eating his mac'n'cheese when Dean decided to glare at him.
"What?" Sam sighed.
Dean yanked out the earbuds and played one of the messages. It was from Kevin. Kevvvvvvvin.
"When was that?" Sam asked worriedly.
Dean played another message. Then another, in which Kevin sounded drunk. Dean replayed the last part of that message, where Kevin said, "Eat me" for dramatic effect or something. Then he played the last message.
Dean stood up and tossed the phone at Sam.
"We were supposed to protect him," he said, "But you did't wanna answer your phone."
Later again, Dean was reading something and Sam was on the computer.
"Listen to this," he said and played Kevin's last message.
"D'ya hear that?" he asked.
"What is it?" Dean asked.
"I think he was on a bus," Sam said, "Look."
He replayed the message, and a woman's voice said, "Last stop- Centerville."
"Centreville, where?" Dean asked.
"Michigan. Look his high-school girlfriend goes there," Sam said showing Dean the girl's Facebook page, probably.
"Well, let's go," Dean said.
Apparently, they waited 'till morning, 'cause it was light out when they finally got around to putting their stuff in the trunk of The Car (TM). Sam tossed Dean the keys and they got in.
"Listen. Do you smell something?" Dean asked.
"What?" Sam asked.
"Never mind," Dean said and they drove off.
It was daytime (the same day or a different day? Who knows). Dean was two kids run around and shoot each other with water guns when BAM! Flashback!
Dean was running around in Purgatory. Turns out, he was chasing somebody! D'you see how it ties in? (Supernatural's got a problem, okay).
Dean eventually managed to pin the dude against a tree with a knife against his neck. The dude revealed his Sharp, Pointy Vampire Teeth (TM).
"WHERE IS SHE?" Dean shouted.
"Oh, you're that human," the vampire said boredly.
"Where's the angel?" Dean asked angrily.
"Dunno," said the vampire.
So then Dean went "Off With Your Head", but then another vampire showed up and tacked him. Then Benny showed up and killed that one.
Sam and Dean were in a hotel room.
"Let's go," Dean said.
"Now?" Sam asked.
"Well, yeah. We need to find Kevin," Dean shrugged.
"Dude, you need to sleep," Sam said.
Dean rolled his eyes.
"Why'd you quit, huh?" Dean asked, "Was there a girl?"
"She had nothing to do with it," Sam said defensively.
It was night before Sam finally tried to explain himself.
"What was her name?" Dean asked.
"Amelia," Sam said.
"What happened?" Dean asked.
"I hit a dog."
"I KNEW I smelled something!" Dean said angrily.
Sam rolled his eyes.
"What about you?" he asked.
"What about me?"
"Purgatory," Sam clarified.
"Oh, that," Dean sighed, "It was a disaster. But it felt... pure."
And you know what that you means. It's time for another flashback!
"You're not gonna thank me?" Benny asked.
"Yeah, I'll eat a cookie and give it back to you," Dean said sarcastically.
"Kinky," Benny said, "But I got something you need. A way out."
"Thanks, but we both know that's not real," Dean laughed.
"If you're human it is," Benny shrugged.
"Okay," Dean said, "Prove it."
"No. You're in or you're out."
"You're just helping me out of the goodness of your heart, huh?" Dean asked skeptically, "Why? What's in it for you?"
"You're takin' me with you," Benny said.
"Fine," Dean sighed, "But first we find the angel."
Benny groaned.
The next day, Sam and Dean were in Kevin's girlfriend's college dorm, pretending to be FBI.
"I haven't seen Kevin in a year," said Channing, Kevin's girlfriend, "Not since he disappeared. He stole his mom's car 'cause he thought he was on a mission from God, or whatever. It was insane."
Channing's roommate, who I'll call Brenda, said some nonsense.
"We know Kevin was here," Sam said.
"No he wasn't," Channing said, "And if he was, I wouldn't have talked to him. I hate him."
"Not gonna ask," Dean decided.
Sam and Dean were brainstorming ideas for finding Kevin.
Brenda was trying to set Channing up with some dude.
"Brenda, I hate you. A bad guy hit me in the shin, and I peed all over my pants," Channing.
"What?" Brenda asked, turning around.
Channing was dripping Black Tar and holding a bowl and a dagger. She slit Brenda's throat and caught the blood in the bowl. She said a few words and the blood started to boil. Then, she started talking to it. Demons are weird, okay.
Sam and Dean were sitting at a table outside. Dean was thoroughly enjoying a burger and Sam was on his compooter. Sam heard a doggy and... flashback!
Sam ran into a veterinary hospital holding a doggy wrapped in a bloodstained blanket. The doggy was pretty calm considering... he's bleeding.
"This doggy needs help!" Sam shouted frantically.
The nurse, Roberta, escorted him into a room.
"He came outta nowhere! I hit him!" Sam shouted, practically crying, "Are you the doctor!?"
"The doctor's on her way," Roberta calmly explained.
The vet came in and said, Roberta, please escort this man out."
"Save the doggy!" Sam shouted as he was escorted away.
Dean was still thoroughly enjoying his burger when Sam was done flashbacking.
"Look at this," Sam said, turning the computer to face Dean, who had his eyes closed.
"Dude, it's just a burger," Sam sighed, "Calm down."
"Do you know the last time I had a burger?" Dean asked.
He looked at the laptop, which showed security footage of Kevin.
"Okay, so he comes here here, but doesn't see his girlfriend. Why?" Dean asked.
"I dunno, but I found the computer he was using," Sam said, "Long story short, I think he's in Iowa. At a coffee shop."
In Fairfield, Iowa, the Winchester Bros. were creeping around a church.
"You sure this is the right place?" Dean asked.
"Barista said so," Sam shrugged.
He pulled on the door and then knocked.
"Kevin!" he called, "It's Sam and Dean! Open up!"
Dean picked the lock and they went inside. Kevin squirted them with Borax from a water gun.
"We're not Leviathans!" (whale demons) Dean shouted.
"What happened to you two?" Kevin asked.
"Cliff Notes: I was in Purgatory, he hit a dog," Dean said.
"Huh. Oh, um... you guys want towels?" Kevin offered sheepishly.
He led them to a room with symbols all over the floor.
Kevin explained to the bros. how he'd translated part of The Demon Tablet (TM) and escaped from Crowley.
"So, where's the tablet?" Sam asked.
"Safe," Kevin said.
"But where?"
"Does it matter?" Dean asked, "It's safe."
"There was some stuff about closing the Gates of Hell. Forever," Kevin said, "That could be important, right."
"Feck yeah!" Dean said.
Sam apologized to Kevin and tried to reassure him, and then Sam had a flashback to when the vet made him adopt the doggy. Pretty sure that's illegal.
Then, an earthquake. Dean handed Sam Ruby's knife and pulled out his large bladed weapon of some sort.
"What is that?" Sam asked apprehensively.
"Purgatory," Dean shrugged.
Then, two demons walked in.
"Dean Winchester, back from Purgatory," said the first demon.
"Spanky the Demon. I heard about you. You're uh, you're the one who uses too much teeth, riiiiiiiiiight?" Dean said with a shit-eating grin.
The demons ran at them, and were easily dealt with.
"Hello, boys," said Crowley.
He and Channing stood in the doorway of the church.
"Well, Purgatory didn't do you any favors, Dean," Crowley said, "Where's your angel?"
"Ask your mother," Dean retorted.
"Ah yes, the grade-school zip. I've missed it," Crowley said before turning to Sam and saying, "Moose. Still got the pork chops, huh?"
Kevin said, "Let Channing go!"
And the Dark Lord said, "No."
"That's not Channing," Dean said, "She's probably dead already."
Crowley sighed, "I can't believe I'm skipping The Golden Girls for this."
He snapped his fingers and Channing said, "Kevin?"
"Channing?" Kevin said.
"What's happening?" Channing asked, "Where am I?"
"You're possessed and going to your safety school," Kevin explained.
"What?"
"Everything's gonna be fine," Kevin said.
Crowley sighed, "I just can't."
He snapped his fingers again and Channing was back to dripping Black Tar.
"Okay, I'll do it. I'll help you. Just let her go," Kevin said, "Let me get my stuff."
"This ain't over by a long shot, Crowley," Dean said as Kevin left.
"Who writes your stuff, a marshmallow?" Crowley sighed. Then he called, "Kevin? Are you ready?"
He and Channing walked through the door Kevin had gone through.
Kevin dumpend Holy Water on them and shouted, "Sam! Dean! Run!"
While the demons were preoccupied by the Holy Water, Kevin, Sam, and Dean ran into The Car (TM). Crowley and Channing followed them out.
"Find another meat suit," Crowley said as Our Heroes drove away.
The demon left Channing and, while Kevin watched, Crowley snapped the poor girl's neck.
Dean's phone rang while they were at a gas station, so he answered it.
"Wrong number," he said and hung up.
"Okay, you guys want anything?" he asked Sam and Kevin.
"Nah, I'm good," Sam said, "Kevin, you okay?"
"Oh yeah," Kevin said sarcastically, "The King of Hell snapped my girlfriend's neck. I'm awwwwwwesome."
"Okay, well, I'm gonna go," Dean said awkwardly.
He got out of The Car (TM) and walked around the gas station. He dialed a number on his phone.
"There he is," Benny said over the phone.
"How did you get a phone?" Dean asked, "And this number?"
Benny was hanging out at a cemetery where a funeral was being conducted for some reason.
"Would you believe they sell these things at convenience stores?" he asked Dean.
"Well, be careful. One day at a time, remember," Dean said.
"Yeah, yeah. You too, Brother," Benny said.
"Yeah."