Author's Note: The very last part of my depressing 2xH fic is finally done! *sigh* I'm kinda sad it's over. Anyway, here's the deal: this fic and "Momento Mori" were meant to be one part, but it got too long so I had to divide it up. That's why I used the same Jewel song twice. This fic takes place exactly where "Momento Mori" left off. *sweatdrops* Just...don't hate me for this, okay? *scurries off to hide*
Kismet: *hides behind Wuffie*
Wufei: This is a baaad sign.
Kismet: You bet your ass it is.
Wufei: I don't think I want to know how this ends.
Kismet: Keep in mind that this fic is not my fault.
Wufei: What do you mean, it's not your fault? Baka onna, you wrote it!
Kismet: You're my muse, you have to take some of the blame!
Wufei: No, I don't!
Kismet: Yes, you do!
Wufei: Onna, I refuse to take the blame for your twisted thought processes.
Kismet: Fine, be that way! *covers her face* Can we just get this over with?
by Kismet
kismetchan@hotmail.com
**********
"Other men it is said to have seen angels,
but I have seen thee and thou art enough."
~George Moore
Hilde ended up crying herself into a restless sleep tonight, and every tear she cried was like a knife in my heart. Never before have I felt so connected to her. She is my entire life now. And I feel as though if she dies, then I die too, because there's nothing else to live for. All I want to do is make everything go away so she won't cry anymore. I hate not being able to make things better for her. All I ever wanted in life was to make her happy. It gets so frustrating sometimes that it makes me want to throw something across the room.
I told her I wouldn't leave her, and I have every intention of fulfilling this promise. I'd gladly do anything for her. After she fell asleep, I told her so. She probably didn't hear me, but it doesn't matter. I'll just tell her again when she wakes up.
I watched her cry until she had no more tears left and she had to give into exhaustion. And now I'm crying. I knew I would eventually. I could feel it building up all night. I couldn't bring myself to laugh at anything anyone said to cheer me up for fear that I'd start laughing like a crazy person. And I had this feeling that if I laughed, I wouldn't be able to stop until the laughter dissolved into tears, and that was what scared me the most. Losing control.
I don't want Hilde to have to see me cry, too.
I'm still here and I haven't moved a muscle. I keep thinking about the last time Hilde cried herself out, when I told her she had achieved remission. We were so happy then. It was one of those days Sister Helen had talked about, a day I was forever grateful for. One of those miracles everyone always talks about.
Is it too much to ask for another one?
I'll be standing over you.
All through the night,
I'll be watching over you. //
I gently push a dark lock of hair out of Hilde's beautiful face. She's more beautiful than an angel tonight. My angel. I have never taken her for granted, ever. I live to see her smile, to hear her laugh. Every day of the last six months I've woken up and thanked God for giving me a second chance to do things right. A second chance for me to make her dreams come true.
So why is this happening again?
Please, God...make everything okay.
I'll be right there, baby.
Holding your hand,
Telling you everything is all right. //
Ever since Hilde learned she had leukemia, I've had numerous one-sided conversations with the Man Upstairs, asking Him why He's doing this to the person I care about most. What's frustrating is that he never talks back.
I remember whining to Sister Helen about this once. I was sitting backwards on high-backed wooden chair, peering up at her through the vertical rungs. The other kids and I used to play cops and robbers with these chairs all the time, using them as a sort of jail. "Sister Helen?"
"Yes, Duo?"
"How do you know there even is a God if you can't hear him talking to you?" I was a little kid, convinced that religion was just an elaborate hoax that slowly brainwashed you into doing anything other people told you to do. The only God I knew was the God of Death.
She smiled and sat down in the chair behind mine. That was the best thing about Sister Helen. She was never too busy to sit down and set you straight.
"That's a very good question, Duo," she said. She was quiet for a moment. "You know that God is everywhere, right?"
"Yeah..."
"And I already told you all about angels, right?"
"Yeah, so?" I said, not sure where she was going with this.
"Well, His angels are always around us so they can tell Him our prayers. They're in the sun on our faces. They're in the grass under our feet. They're even in the air we breathe." Sister Helen leaned over and put her face close to mine. She tapped her left temple. "Do you hear that?"
I listened intently, but all I heard was the wind howling outside. "No."
Sister Helen looked at me. "You think it's just the wind, right? But that's actually our angels singing to us. They're all around us, watching and comforting us in times of trouble. And sometimes, when you're really quiet, they really do talk to us."
My eyes were round. "Really?"
"Yes, they do, but not in the normal way you're used to. Angels speak a language through their hearts so that everyone can understand them. They have so much to tell us, if only we can learn to listen." She smiled. "Go ahead. What's your heart telling you right now?"
I shot her a doubtful look, but I closed my eyes anyway and waited for something to happen. I'm not sure what I expected, so I was still confused when I heard nothing at all. I shook my head, crestfallen. "I don't know. I guess the angels don't want to talk to me."
Sister Helen kept smiling her secret smile. "Maybe," she said, "you're trying too hard to hear them."
I've never thought about that conversation until now, come to think of it. I never believed in angels because I never got to see one. For me, seeing is believing. I only started thinking more about them when I met Hilde. She is everything an angel should be, and more. If someone as beautiful as Hilde could exist...then I guess an angel could too. But I never knew for sure.
All I know is that Hilde's tests are going to come any minute, and then we'll know for sure what's wrong. All I can do is wait. Wait and pray for a miracle.
I squeeze Hilde's hand and wipe my eyes with my other hand. Sister Helen, wherever you are...I hope you're with me right now.
I'll be right there.
Telling you, you were never
Anything less than beautiful. //
There's a soft tapping at the door. It slowly creaks open and I glance up to see Wufei peering in on us.
He gestures outside. "We need to talk, Maxwell," he says softly. His face is grim. "I wouldn't disturb you if it wasn't something important."
Oh, God...please...
"Be right there, Wu-man," I say with as much composure as I can muster. I turn back to Hilde and give her hand yet another squeeze. "I'll be back in a sec, babe," I tell her sleeping form. She doesn't stir as I tuck the covers around her more carefully. As an afterthought, I dig the white jewelry bag out of my pocket and pull out her wedding ring and slip it onto the fourth finger of her left hand where it belongs. Then I carefully drape the delicate chain of my cross around her neck.
Don't go anywhere without me.
I'm your angel standing by. //
I emerge from the room to see Sally and Wu-man talking quietly but animatedly in Chinese. I can't really understand what they're saying very well. I know some words, but most of what I know consists of curse words that I highly doubt are used in everyday conversation. I know for a fact that Wufei and Sally are using Chinese so I won't be able to understand them, and it drives me crazy that they're hiding something from me. Their quiet words don't sound too good. They freeze in place as soon as they catch sight of me. I have a feeling they're going to tell me something I don't want to hear.
I shove my shaking hands in my pockets and try to keep my expression as neutral as possible. "Any news?"
There's a tense pause as Sally and Wufei exchange a glance.
Sally is the one who finally breaks the silence, and this time I understand her words perfectly. She looks at Wufei. "You want to tell him, or should I?" she asks in Chinese.
I take a deep breath and mentally brace myself...because I know that at any moment, my heart is going to break.
I'm your angel standing by. //
It's still dark when I open my eyes, and the very first thing I notice is Duo's absence. The spot next to me is still warm, so I guess he must have just left. I sigh unhappily as this realization hits me. It's freezing in here without him next to me, and I miss him already.
I close my eyes the second I feel more tears pushing at the back of my eyes. Stop it, you big baby, I tell myself. You can't expect him to stay every second with you. You're being selfish.
It's true, I am. Duo wouldn't leave me unless he had a hell of a reason, so I try to think about something else that I notice is different. I carefully pull myself up to a sitting position and bring my hands up to my face, discovering that my wedding ring is back where it belongs. Also, I feel something cool around my neck that wasn't there before. It's Duo's cross.
He is so good.
Almost involuntarily, my hands clamp immediately around this small bit of comfort. It's one of Duo's most precious possessions, the sign of his faith, left safely with me. A smile plays on my lips as I remember what he said about it.
"Besides you, that's all that I've got left."
And I think...well, if my husband hasn't lost his faith, then I guess I shouldn't lose mine, either.
With this thought in mind, I close my eyes and rub my temples with my fingertips. I don't feel like sleeping anymore, but I'd rather be asleep than awake. I don't want to think too much about my current situation without Duo here. I'm close to the breaking point.
I feel guilty about breaking down earlier. I saw the look on his face when I told him I didn't want to die. I hate bombarding him with my emotions all the time. I hate doing this to him just as much as he hates to see me cry.
I know he cries too.
It's just so difficult to deal with sometimes. Every time I talk to him I can't help but think about the time when I might not be able to. I try to concentrate on the positive, but sometimes there is no positive. Tell me, what's so positive about having cancer?
Cancer. A horrible six-letter word that causes so much pain. God.
Tears are burning at the corners of my eyes again. Dammit. Stop doing this to yourself, Hilde, I tell myself. Having a nervous breakdown will not help matters at all.
I'm not going to think about this anymore. Instead, I keep my eyes shut and try a breathing exercise Relena suggested to me when I was going through chemotherapy. The idea is to empty your mind of all thoughts and all worries and imagine you're someplace else entirely. I usually pretend I'm at the beach. It was kind of difficult to do at first because I've never even seen the ocean up close, but it's incredibly relaxing. Whenever I close my eyes, I can almost smell the sea air, see the shimmering ocean, feel the sand under my feet. Duo's holding my hand and we're walking along the shore together, trying to splash each other. It usually works pretty well, but tonight I just can't bring myself to concentrate. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever have the chance to do that in real life and not just in my imagination.
I blink in surprise as the door quietly clicks open and Duo comes in. He looks a couple shades paler than he should be, and seeing it makes my heart twist. He gives me a haggard smile when he sees I'm awake.
"Sorry about that, babe," he says as he sits down on the bed next to me. "I was just talking to Wu-man for a moment."
"That's okay," I say, leaning my head on his shoulder. He puts his arms around me and kisses my nose. It feels so good when he does this. It's comforting to think that this is what heaven must be like.
"I never had time to give you your anniversary present," he murmurs a second later.
I roll my eyes. "What present? I thought we weren't doing that this year."
He's smiling. "I cheated. So shoot me."
His smile is contagious, because now I'm doing it too. "Duo!"
"What?" he says, going into his innocent little boy routine.
My face falls. "I have nothing to give you."
"Yes, you do," he says, hugging me. "Every day you give me something. Your company."
I bury my face in his chest. "I still feel bad about it. You know I don't need presents."
Duo chuckles. "I think you'll like it."
"I don't need presents," I repeat firmly, my voice muffled. "I like being with you well enough."
"And I like spoiling you. You know how much fun it is for me."
He's exhausted, I can sense it. And he's trying to distract me. I must say, it's working pretty well. God knows he's had a lot of practice.
"I believe you when you say you love me," I say, looking up at him. "You don't have to do things for me just to show it."
Duo pretends to take this into consideration. "Well, okay," he says. "But since plane tickets to Earth are non-refundable, I guess I'll have to give them away to Sally and Wufei. I get the feeling they need a vacation."
I stare at him. "What?"
He gives me a kiss. "Didn't I tell you? We're going on vacation."
"Where to?"
Duo flashes me the Maxwell grin. "Anywhere you want to go, babe. It's your present, so you decide."
"The ocean," I say immediately.
His grin widens. "Sounds like a plan."
I laugh and somehow summon the strength to throw my arms around him with enough force to push him over. I wonder if he knows how much I love him, how I'd be lost without him. Surely I'd be dead by now if he weren't here to give me strength.
I'll be standing over you.
All through the night,
I'll be watching over you. //
Duo falls over onto the bed, flat on his back, and pulls me on top of him. He kisses the top of my head. "I take it you like this present."
"Very much," I sigh.
"Well, if you like that one, then you'll love the other one," he says.
"Another one?" I say, gaping at him.
Duo can't seem to contain his glee. His indigo eyes have this crazed sparkle that I don't think I've ever seen until now. "Yep," he replies. "I only wish I could give you more."
"What is it?"
He's smiling happily. "I'm not telling. You have to guess what it is."
I prop myself up onto my elbow and stare at him. "Duo?"
He stares back. "Yeah?"
"I love you."
He smiles again and wiggles his eyebrows. "You can't sweet-talk it out of me. You have to guess!"
"Damn. That tactic usually works."
"Not this time, babe."
I settle back down to think, but I can't come up with anything. Lying here cuddling with Duo is making me drowsy, and as a result my brain cells are a lot fuzzier than they should be. "I don't know," I say sleepily. Duo's chest makes a nice pillow. I can hear his heartbeat lulling me to sleep. "I give up."
I'm your angel standing by. //
He's grinning like an idiot. "All right, all right, I'll tell you. But you'd better not fall asleep on me."
"I won't," I murmur. My eyes flutter closed.
Duo reaches up to stroke my hair. "Tonight was a false alarm," he whispers. "You're still in remission."
I'm jerked back to reality and my eyes snap open. "What?!" I exclaim, turning to look at him. "Then why am I sick?"
He's gazing back at me dreamily. "Remember how you said you have nothing to give me?"
I clap a hand over my mouth when it hits me. "Oh my God."
"You've been feeling sick because you're pregnant, babe."
"WHAT?" I can't breathe. Someone's sucked all the air out of the room. "I can't be!" I gasp. "The chemo causes infertility! I can't -- that's impossible!"
Duo smiles that gorgeous smile that just turns my whole body to jelly. "You can and you are. Happy anniversary."
I think I'm going to faint. A huge, unfathomable weight is gone from my shoulders. I'm vaguely aware of Duo making me lay down, his cool hand on my forehead. The same three words keep coming out of my mouth: Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God --
"Relax, Hilde-chan!" he laughs. "Everything's cool. You're not sick. You're just going to have a baby. Isn't that great?!"
I'm so shocked I'm stuttering. "How -- how far along?"
"One and a half months," he says cheerfully. "The cancer's gone; the oncologist said it probably won't come back ever. 'Course, there's always a chance of complications and stuff, but Sally says it's nothing too serious. She says she wants you to come in here as often as you can so the docs can check up on you so --"
He's going to talk himself into a frenzy if I don't do something. I grab the end of his braid and pull it down so that his face is centimeters from mine. "Duo?"
He blinks in confusion. "Yeah, babe?"
"Just shut up and kiss me."
Duo's eyes are twinkling. "Sure thing."
And kiss me he does, a kiss that warms my entire body and sends jolts of electricity up my spine, a kiss that I can't get enough of. Duo wraps his arms around me, one gentle hand resting protectively on my stomach, the other absently stroking my hair. I sigh in relief mixed with pleasure. This is perfect. Heaven is a place on earth.
It takes me a second to realize tears are rolling down my cheeks. Duo looks down at me tenderly and wipes them away with his fingers. "Now you only have to cry happy tears," he whispers, his eyes unnaturally bright.
A million thoughts, cares, and worries are running through my head, but they're all centered around one thing: how much I love Duo.
I let out a laugh that sounds more like a sob. "This is a dream come true."
Duo can't seem to stop smiling. "A miracle."
Yes. A miracle. That's exactly what this is. There's no other way to describe it.
I'm your angel standing by. //
My eyes are closing. The shock is slowly wearing off and I suddenly feel more exhausted then I have in my entire life. The cancer is gone, taking all our pain with it. Duo's right. Now all we have to cry are happy tears, wrapped up in each other's arms. I have no worries for the future anymore because I know Duo will always take care of me and our child. This is exactly how it was supposed to be all along, no sadness, no pain, only hope.
Duo kisses my forehead softly. "I love you, babe."
"I love you, too," I whisper back, my voice thick with sleep.
And I always will. Always and forever.
**********
Kismet: *teary-eyed* Awww...happy ending!
Wufei: ONNA! You knew all along Hilde wasn't going to die!
Kismet: Heh. Sneaky, huh? I confess, the thought crossed my mind many a time, but I could never do that to Duo-chan.
Wufei: What about all that "I can't just let them live happily ever after" stuff at the end of "Near You Always"?
Kismet: Silly Wuffie...I wanted them to live ecstatically ever after. ^_^
Wufei: *bangs head against the wall*
Kismet: Good thing your head is harder than the wall, or else you could really hurt yourself that way.
Wufei: Ha, ha. Funny.
Kismet: Well, anyway, minna-san, what did you think? Sappy, ne? I had to do a lot of sap for the finale to balance out all that angst stuff I did. Hope you can forgive me for making you think I was going to kill Hilde. Hee hee...oh, I have to thank Cherry Blossom for issuing the challenge that inspired this whole series! Thank you, Cherry-chan! ^______^ And thank you to everyone who took the time to review!
Wufei: What are you going to do now?
Kismet: I'm going over to saba-chan's site to read every 2xH fic she's got in her archive! Hee hee!
Wufei: I think you're obsessed.
Kismet: Obsessed? Me? Naw...anyway, that's about it for the fic! Thanks for reading, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! ^_~