It's been almost a month since Zoom killed my dad. Almost a month and I still can't scrape together a sense of normalcy in my life. It's empty. Every day is the same shade of gray. It's been washed, rinsed, and repeated so long there's no more color in my world. Wake up. Head to CCPD. Work the cases. Leave. Go to S.T.A.R. Labs. Patrol the streets. Running. Running. Running until I run out of things to run for. Then go home...and dream.

Some nights I'm there in that living room. Staring. Helpless. Dad's staring at me. Willing me to look away because he knows. He knows I can't save him. He knows I can't stop him. I beg and plead and still in an instant he's crumpling to the ground. I'm on my knees begging and screaming, but he's gone. Nights like those usually end with me being shaken awake by Joe. It's my childhood all over again. Joe waking up to my terrified screams rushing in to save me. He holds on to me anchoring me to reality until I can do it on my own.

Other nights I'm dreaming. I am still there in that living room. Only, this time, I manage to save him. I save my dad. Zoom is gone and I'm... I'm holding onto my dad and we're laughing and crying. He holds me so tight. " I love you, Slugger." I'm awake. I sit straight up with a ghost of a smile on my face. Then, I feel it start to fade as the truth of the memory starts crashing down on me. No one hears me crying. The choking bitter sobs that are escaping into my pillow. I can't say which is worse. Screaming for him not to die or crying for him to stay alive. I feel so hollow inside..

And then morning comes. The cycle starts again. I'm exhausted.

Everyone at S.T.A.R. casts their worried stares my way hoping to lure me into some conversation about my feelings. They're worried. They know I'm not sleeping well. Joe has undoubtedly told them. Also, I've been just too quiet. I feel like all the words are a waste because not one of them can change the past. Not one word will bring him back, but they're waiting. They want me to get better. They want me to by myself again. They just don't realize. They could never know. That part of me isn't here anymore. So I fake it. I shoot them my brightest smile and bring that oh so charming warmth to my voice. I talk about anything and everything until they feel at ease and then I'm gone. You can't be this empty and pretend to be fine that long. I get off to myself in the training room and crank the treadmill up as high as it can go. I try to exhaust myself to the point I can skip right over the dreaming to the deathlike slumber on the other side. That's where I am now when I hear the light tapping on the window and a soft voice calling my name.

"Barry?" I turn the treadmill down to a fast walk before speaking.

"Yeah, Cait?"

"We're getting ready to head home. Cisco's going to drop me off." I nod my head acknowledging her. "Will you be alright?" I could hear the hesitation in her voice. The unasked question lingering in the air. Do you want me to stay? I plaster on a tired smile.

"I was just finishing up. I'll walk you guys out." I could see the mixed emotions on her face. I didn't quite answer her question. Yet, if I'm headed home then at least I'll be getting some rest. She smiled warmly at me.

"We'll wait for you to get changed then." She turned to go, leaving the door cracked open. I quickly changed out of my suit into my day clothes meeting Cisco and Caitlin in the cortex. We shut everything down and head out. Cisco locks up and we all hug our goodbyes.

I'm home before I know it, sliding my key into the lock. Before I even turn the key, the door is jerked open, handle, key, and all from my palm. Bright brown eyes, full lips spread in a wide smile, dark waves cascading down shoulders...Iris. She engulfs me in suffocating hug. It's so tight I'm starting to get flashbacks of some of the previous nights' dreams. I gently pull back offering up a happy smile instead.

"Iris, what are you doing here?"

"Dad and Wally ordered pizza and invited me over. Come in already, they got your favorite too."

I take a few steps in. Iris closes the door behind me. Joe and Wally are setting the table with a decent stack of pizza boxes and some plates. My stomach churns.

"Alright," Joe starts rubbing his hands together. Iris and Wally gather closer to the table. I am still hanging back about midway from the stairs. "We got Super Meaty Supreme for Me and Wally, Veggie Delight for Iris, and Pepperoni, Black Olives, and Jalapenos for Barry." Wally let out a woot and Iris was clapping her hands. They were all smiling, so genuinely happy, I felt so out of place. "Barr?"

"What?"

"Well, don't just stand there, Son. Come eat."

"Wow. I uh-" They're disappointed. Their happy smiles starting to fade. I'm not hungry. Not really, but I don't want them to worry. I don't want to ruin their happiness with my pain. Well, here we go again. " Uh- I don't know where to start." I sprinkle some lighthearted laughter in my voice. They are full on beaming now. Disappointment erased. "I kinda got some work to catch up on, you mind if I take it upstairs?" I cross the remaining few feet to the table sorting through the boxes.

"You don't want to eat with us?" Iris looks at me disappointment flowering across her face again.

Yes. "Sorry, not tonight. I really got to catch up on some paperwork and it's already pretty late." She hangs her head for a minute and then seemingly shakes it off.

"Ok," she says smiling tenderly. She doesn't push me further, and for that I am grateful.

I take my share of the pizza with a soda and jog upstairs. I enter my room and rest everything on my desk. I can hear the soft talk and light laughter floating up the stairs. I'm relieved I didn't ruin their cheer. I feel the exhaustion settle on me like a weight I can't escape. I lay across the bed staring up at the ceiling. I remember thinking that finally after my dad was released from jail for being falsely accused, that we could finally live together like a family. I was so excited at the thought of finally getting that time with my Dad. Then, he told me he had to go. He needed me to tell him it was ok. It wasn't. I really wanted him to stay, so I lied. I let him go. He left me. I must of drifted off at some point because there he was. There he was, and here I am, and there was Zoom.

"Please. Don't" I hear myself saying. Zoom just looks at me a devilish yet sympathetic look. "Please!"

"Son." My dad is talking but all I hear is white noise and then Zoom's hand is through his chest. He's falling and I'm falling. Zoom's there and unmoving looking down at me.

"Dad! No! Please.. not again. Not again. DAD!"

Zoom picks me up dragging me away from my father. He slams me against the wall. His arms are holding me in place shaking me violently. I'm screaming and he's calling out my name in this taunting voice.

"Barry! Barry!"

"Stop!" I'm screaming desperately. I close my eyes tight to block out his face.

"Barry! Wake up, Son!" My eyes are open. I'm staring up into frantic brown eyes. Joe is staring back down at me worriedly.

"Joe?" My voice is smaller than I intended it to be. Weak with sleep and dreaming. I heave a sigh. "Joe."

"You ok?" He let's go of me but not completely as I start to sit up. I lean forward dropping my head in my hands for a moment. I take a few deep breaths.

"Yeah. I'm good." I look up at the clock to see it's four am. I heave another sigh. " I'm good, Joe. Go back to bed." Joe backs away slowly studying me. He quietly heads for the door, when suddenly he turns back to me.

"Barr, you know if you ever need anything. Anything..."

"I know. Thanks. I promise. I'm good." Joe nods his head and leaves. I lay back on my bed once again. Four more hours until work.

The cycle repeats itself once again.