DISCLAIMER: The rights to all copyrighted material mention henceforth in this document are owned by their respective owners.
The title of this fic comes from the Interpol song "PDA" off the album "Turn on the Bright Lights." There's no real connection between the song and the fic, I just needed a quasi appropriate title.
This fic was a request from LizzayBT.
Urahara didn't like tea. Its flavor was too weak and its caffeine content was woefully inadequate for his needs. His preferred drink, not matter what the hour, was coffee.
Most men though it a sign of masculinity of take their coffee black. But Urahara has no such illusions. To him black coffee was just a bitter potion of wakefulness. There was no need for him to endure the unpleasant taste when there were plenty of delicious creams that could be had.
Idly, Urahara stirred the creamer into his mug of black liquid and watched as the shade lightened to a pleasant light brown. Satisfied, he tapped the spoon on the side of the mug so that the droplets would fall back into the coffee and then placed it in the kitchen sink.
Urahara lifted the mug to his nose and inhaled deeply the rich aroma as he walked to the dining area. When he lowered the mug, he was greeted by the sight of Yoruichi, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her, sitting at the table, eating a sandwich.
"Is there an occasion for you being so dressed up?" Urahara asked as he sat down across from the eating woman.
"Me and Soifon were supposed to soak in the hot spring today, but she hasn't shown up yet." Yoruichi replied after she swallowed her mouthful.
"I'm surprised you bothered with the towel, then." Urahara observed after a sip of the hot coffee.
"Towels are sexy." Yoruichi smiled.
"Towels are sexy?" Urahara cocked an eyebrow.
"Uh huh," Yoruichi nodded and took a drink from her glass of milk. "I woman trying to cover herself in a slightly-too-small towel is always sexier than a naked woman. Especially if she's fresh out of the shower, with the water dripping off her and the towel is too short and you can see the bottom of her ass cheeks."
"Women and showers are always sexy, regardless of how small the towels are." Urahara countered.
"You just don't understand the subtleties of sexiness." Yoruichi huffed, crossing her arms.
"So says the woman that forgets she's naked sometimes." Urahara smirked.
"I had been a cat for over a decade solid. Forgive me if some things slip my mind." Yoruichi shot back playfully. Yoruichi turned her attention away from Urahara and to a wall clock. "Ugh! Where is she?"
"Knowing Soifon," Urahara answered the rhetorical question, "She's been standing at the front door for the past ten or twenty minutes trying to muster up the courage to knock while she was a fierce internal debate over whether or not the day's liaison is prim and proper."
"Probably," Yoruichi shrugged and continued to eat her sandwich. Almost as if on cue, there was a rapid knocking on the Shoten's front door.
"Could you get that, Tessai?" Urahara called into another room. Shortly thereafter, they could hear the sound of Tessai and Soifon exchanging curt pleasantries. Neither of them were surprised to see the shoji to the dining room open up.
"I'm sorry I'm late Yorui..CHI-SAMA!" Soifon yelped upon seeing the Goddess's attire, turning her head away, half to avert her gaze, half to hide her blush.
"Oh calm down," Yoruichi frowned. "It's not like this is the most naked you've ever seen me before."
"But in such a public place!" Soifon countered.
"Public?" Yoruichi laughed. "Since when is my house public?"
"Excuse me?" Urahara interjected. "Your house?"
"I live here, don't I?" Yoruichi turned her attention to Urahara.
"If you call living crashing here whenever you want to eat all my food living…" Urahara turned away dejectedly. "I mean it's not like your names on the giant sign out front…"
"Oh grow up…" Yoruichi mumbled into her glass before drinking the rest of the milk. 'What took you so long?" She turned back to Soifon. "You're usually so punctual."
"I…I got hung up with the Onmitsukido." Soifon lied. She had actually spent a great deal of time debating whether she was going to show up at all. As she made her excuse, Soifon couldn't help her eyes from wandering to Yoruichi's cleavage.
"You can stop undressing me with your eyes anytime, Soi." Yoruichi smirked. "You know I hate it when you tease me. If you want to do something, I suggest you do it." She purred as she tugged at the knot holding her towel on.
"Yoruichi-sama!" Soifon blushed furiously. "I…I was doing no such thing!"
"There's no need to be shy," Yoruichi eyed Soifon seductively. "I was doing the same thing to you." Soifon fidgeted in place, trying to resists the instinctive urge to cover herself with her hands. Yoruichi and Urahara only laughed. "You ready to get in the hot spring?" Yoruichi asked before she finished her sandwich.
"Yes," Soifon replied, regaining her composure. "If you could show me where to change…"
"Just change down there." Yoruichi rolled her eyes.
"Out in the open?" Soifon squeaked, making sure that she wasn't looking at Yoruichi.
"You and I seem to have very different definitions of what open is." Yoruichi shrugged and stood up. "Well, I've waited about as much as I can stand. I'm getting in the hot spring. You can change in my room. I think you left some of you clothes there anyway." Soifon covered her mouth in shock, her eyes darting in Urahara's direction as her faced reddened yet again while Yoruichi walked away, laughing.
As soon as Yoruichi left the room, Urahara started sniggering.
"What?" Soifon glared. Soifon's piercing gaze was renowned thorough the Seireitei for being able to wither even the most battle hardened veteran. However, it was always ineffective against two certain people. One of them just left the room and the other was sitting in front of her.
"It's just always amused me greatly that our free spirited Yoruichi fell for such a prude." Urahara laughed.
"A prude?" Soifon scowled.
"You know," Urahara pointed with his fan. "Uptight, stick in the mud, afraid of a little skin, sex is naughty…" Urahara listed. "Basically everything Yoruichi isn't."
"I assure you that I am not…a…a prude!" Soifon huffed indignantly.
"Or really? Prove it." Urahara's eyes flashed mischievously.
"How do I prove I'm not that which I'm not?" Soifon crossed her arms.
"Oh! I thought you'd never ask!" Urahara squealed in delight. "Well, as you may or may not know, Yoruichi's birthday is coming up."
"In two weeks and four days." Soifon replied through squinting eyes.
"Right," Urahara nodded. "Normally, instead of getting her a gift, I treat Yoruichi to some…adult entertainment for her birthday."
"You get Yoruichi-sama a prostitute?" Soifon raged.
"No, no." Urahara said soothingly. "Not a prostitute. Though I did treat her to a donkey show once. Didn't go over as well as I thought it would…" Urahara shook his head sadly. "Anyhoo, every year for a while now, I've purchased a stripper to entertain Yoruichi."
"A stripper!" Soifon had to restrain herself from lunging at the man.
"Oh goodness gracious! Exposed breasts!" Urahara mocked Soifon's indignation. "Anyway, I figured that this year, instead of walking the three blocks to the nearest strip club and paying some bar-cock named Cookie who's' only stripping to pay for tuition' the agreed upon amount for what will only realistically amount to a cheap thrill for Yoruichi, you could do it. Seeing how you're her girlfriend and all and I didn't think you would be too keen on the idea of Yoruichi getting a lap dance."
"Are you serious?" Soifon asked incredulously, not believing what she was hearing.
"Completely so." Urahara nodded. The Chinese woman's face contorted in visible turmoil.
Soifon's competitive mind broke nearly every situation down into terms of winning and losing, success and failure. And this situation was no exception. She knew that Urahara was testing her, pushing her buttons. He was challenging her.
There was no way that Soifon was going to let Urahara defeat her, not matter what the cost. And the alternative wasn't much better. If she didn't accept the challenge, then that would mean that Yoruichi would be looking at another woman's body. And that was not acceptable.
"What, exactly, would be required of me?" Soifon said more resolutely than Urahara anticipated.
Whenever someone from outside the Onmistukido had to enter the Division's barracks, the one thing that almost always struck them first was how quiet everything was.
The members the Seiretie's police force were all master's of stealth. So much so that the act of moving about silently had become second nature to most of them. Even the tremendous man that was Soifon Lieutenant was so skilled that he was able to conceal his lumbering travels.
That was why the rattling that was echoing through the barracks was so jarring.
Following the sound, Omeada made his way towards the disturbance. He didn't expect to find that noise was coming from the stealthy, diminutive Captain herself.
Soifon was walking down the hall towards her quarters, carrying in her arms a large cardboard box that must have been loosely packed, since ever step she took caused the contents to shift nosily.
"Uhhh…" Omeada wasn't sure what to say. Soifon usually moved around like a ghost. "What's in the box, Taicho."
"It's none of your concern, Omeada." Soifon replied sternly, her eyes just peeking out from the top of the box. "Make sure that the training continues as I scheduled and that the patrols switch. I'll be in my quarters for the rest of the evening, and I do not want to be disturbed."
"Y…yes, Taicho!" Omeada saluted quickly and then pressed himself against the wall so that his superior could pass through the narrow hallway.
Opening the shoji to her quarters with her foot, Soifon entered her room and quickly secured the latched so that it could not be opened for the outside. Soifon then placed the box on her desk and sat down behind it.
The Chinese woman took out one of the throwing knives she kept hidden on her person and sliced the tape that was holding the pix closed. With the flaps thrown to the side, Soifon began to remove and examine its contents.
The majority of the space inside the box was taken up by a combination television and DVD player/VCR. Soifon removed the home electronic, placed it on a table in the room, and plugged it into one of the nearby outlets that had been installed during Omeada's last renovation of the barracks.
Stooping down, Soifon scanned the small buttons on the front of the contraption and spotted the one marked power. As soon as she pressed it, the screen lit up and displayed an image similar to a fierce blizzard while the internal speakers of the television hissed annoyingly.
Just as he said it would, Soifon frowned at the thought that Urahara had been right about something.
With the television confirmed as operable, Soifon returned to her desk to examine the rest of the box's contents. Inside were numerous books and videos, on all the art of exotic and erotic dancing.
Hesitantly, as if it were contaminated, Soifon removed the first book, appropriately titled "The Art of Stripping," and began to flip through its pages.
How disgraceful, Soifon though after she finished reading through a section entitled "Creating Your Persona." To think there are women who make a career out of removing their clothes for other's entertainment. She replaced the booked and removed one of the numerous instructional videos.
But if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right, Soifon reaffirmed to herself as she placed the disc onto the tray and pushed it back into the television. It's for Yoruichi-sama, Soifon though as she sat down in front of the television and watched a voluptuous woman explain the proper techniques to what she had come to learn was called a lap dance.
Human clothes are so uncomfortable, Ikkaku though as he readjusted his jeans for the fifth time in the last ten minutes. They're too tight; don't allow the full range of movements. Frowning, he continued on his way down the sidewalk, towards Urahara Shoten.
Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a familiar head of meticulously maintained black hair rounding a bend across the street.
"Hey!" Ikkaku shouted as he ran across the street, dodging passing cars and ignoring ht honks he received. "Where the hell have you been all day?"
"I've been shopping." Yumichika answered.
"Shopping?" Ikkaku sneered. "…the hell you'd need to do that for?"
"For Yoruichi-san's birthday, perhaps?" Yumichika held up a small box wrapped neatly in festive paper and topped with a bow.
"What's that got to do with shopping?" Ikkaku asked as the two started to walk down the sidewalk towards the Shoten.
"It's customary to give the person having the birthday a gift of some sorts." Yumichika explained. "It's rude to show up without one." He ended with a chastising glance.
"Alright, fine." As Ikkaku and Yumichika walked passed a nearby fruit stand, Ikkaku quickly plucked one of the fruits from the stand while the proprietor nodded to them. "There, I'll give 'er this."
"You're going to give Yoruichi Shihoin a pomegranate for her birthday?" Yumichika asked in disbelief.
"If I don't eat it first." Ikkaku shrugged.
"So uncouth…" Yumichika mumbled as she shook his head.
The two men covered three blocks before they spotted a certain buxom blonde heading in the same direction that they were headed.
"Yo! Rangiku!" Ikkaku shouted, causing Yumichika to cover his ears. The bubbly woman turned around with a confused expression, but her face lit up when she realized who hailed her.
"Hey guys!" Rangiku greeted the cheerfully. "You guys headed to Yoruichi's birthday too?"
"Yes, we were just on our way." Yumichika replied with equal perk.
"I don't get what the big deal is." Ikkaku interrupted. "Hurray! You managed to survive another year!" He cheered sarcastically. "That's not that impressive, considering who she is."
"Any excuse for cake." Rangiku retorted, undeterred by Ikkaku's cynicism.
By the time their conversation was over, the three Shingami had arrived to the local candy store known as Urahara Shoten.
"Oh goody! You came!" Urahara greeted them cheerfully as he opened the door.
"I never miss a party!" Rangiku replied as she stepped inside.
"You sent an invitation. It would have been rude to ignore it." Yumichika answered.
"Invitation…whatever…" Ikkaku mumbled
"Speaking of invitations," Yumichika started as they walked deeper into the Shoten. "Where are your Captain and Orihime?"
"Yeah," Ikkaku mumbled. "I would have thought Rukia, Ichigo, and Renji would have been here as well."
"I don't know about Renji," The group stopped once they reached the living area. Yoruichi had spoken up. She was sitting on the couch, wearing a bustier and panties while eating a cake that sat on a large plate on a wooden platter on her lap. "But Toshiro, Orihime, and Ichigo, and Rukia weren't invited."
"Oooh! Cake!" Rangiku outstretched her hand towards the baked slab. With cobra speed, Yoruichi stopped the hand by stabbing her fork into the wooden platter in front of it.
"Yoruichi gets her own cake." Urahara said sternly. "The rest of you get cake later."
"Why weren't the other's invited?" Ikkaku asked, picking up the conversation before it was lost.
"Because sometimes the adults need time to play." Yoruichi answered through a mouthful of cake.
"Speaking of which," Rangiku looked around. "Where are the drinks?"
"We don't break out the booze until later." Urahara answered. "Yoruichi's such a light weight; the party would be over before it started if we started drinking too early."
"What are we supposed to do then?" Yumichika asked, as upset by the lack of alcohol as Rangiku seemed to be.
"We still have the gifts to give and a cake to eat…" Urahara fanned himself to hide his mischievous smile. "Speaking of which, I'm going to go check up on that cake."
Soifon leaned over the sink in Urahara's bathroom so that she could get a better look at herself as she applied her make-up. To her surprise, the faculties were actually clean; not what she expected, given the occupant.
Urahara had left the back door open so that Soifon could sneak in. Yoruichi was a notorious glutton, so once she was given her cake, it was easy enough for Soifon to slip in unnoticed.
"You should lay off the make-up," Urahara chided as she leaned against the doorframe. "Too much makes you look like a stripper." Soifon shot him a deadly glare that only made him smirk.
"How are things going?" Soifon replied through gritted teeth as she powdered her checks. She was going to have to lay it on think, or else Yoruichi would be able to see her blushing profusely. Luckily, her skin tone was fair enough that it wouldn't be noticeable.
"Things are going fine." Urahara smiled. "Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Rangiku got arrived a while ago…"
"What?" Soifon snapped. "You didn't say anything about other people being here!"
"Come now," Urahara waved playfully. "There had to be witnesses to you shaking your cute tush for Yoruichi. You didn't think I would just take your word for it, did you?"
Soifon stood frozen in place for a few moments, clenching and unclenching her fits while taking deep breaths.
'What's wrong?" Urahara asked with concern that Soifon couldn't tell if it was genuine or false. 'Having second thoughts?"
"No," Soifon responded with almost Zen-like calm. "Oh, here is all the information you need for my introduction." Soifon removed a folded piece of paper from her pocket.
"You're really taking this seriously…" Urahara mumbled as she unfolded the paper to read it. Soifon was distracted from applying her eyeliner by the sound of Urahara suppressing a laugh. "I'm not sure I can say this with a straight face." He struggled through the laughter that was bubbling up inside him.
"That's your problem." Soifon's voice was completely devoid of sympathy.
"I suppose," Urahara folded up the paper and placed it into a pocket. "Will you be ready to go an about twenty minutes?" He was still struggle with giggles. Soifon frowned contemplatively.
"I should be." Soifon pursed her lips and applied a dark shade of lipstick.
"Excellent." Urahara gave her a thumbs up and left.
With the make-up applied, Soifon walked over to the bag that contained her wardrobe for the evening and began to remove the articles. At the bottom was a pair of platform high-heels.
"So impractical," Soifon mumbled under her breath.
"This is good cake." Yumichika complimented Urahara as ate the piece that had been given to him.
"Tell that to Tessai, he made it." Urahara deflected the compliment. "Well, I think that now is as good a time as any to give Yoruichi her offerings." Urahara grabbed a chair and placed it in the center of the room. "First, the first half of my extra special gift." Yoruichi stood up from the couch and sat down in the seat.
"A chair?" Ikkaku asked confusedly.
"Urahara always gets me a stripper for my birthday." Yoruichi explained excitedly.
"Ah, it was supposed to be s surprise." Urahara lamented.
"A stripper? Great," Ikkaku rolled his eyes sarcastically. "Just what I wanted to see; so oiled up shirtless guy dancing around."
"Now what's wrong with…" Yumichika started before he was interrupted.
"Don't you pay any attention?" Rangiku asked Ikkaku.
"Attention to what?" Ikkaku asked.
"She's gay." Rangiku motioned to Yoruichi.
"Really?" Ikkaku asked with some amount of surprise.
"Me and Soifon have been together for a while now." Yoruichi confirmed.
"Awsome," Ikkaku rubbed his hands together. "Bring on the strippers!"
"Not so fast." Urahara held up a hand. "You all need to give your gifts first."
"Oh! Let me go next!" Before anyone could protest, Rangiku sprung up and handed Yoruichi her gift, a brightly wrapped cylinder.
"Thanks," Yoruichi took the parcel and tore the paper off it. Underneath the paper was a black plastic cylinder that was about the same size as an average flashlight. On end was capped in orifice that bore an uncanny resemblance to a human vagina. "What…is…this?"
"It's a fleshlight!" Rangiku explained. 'I was going to get you a dildo, but then I remembered that you a lesbian, so this seemed more appropriate."
"T…thanks." Yoruichi said as if she were unsure if she meant it.
"Here is my present" Yumichika handed Yoruichi his wrapped box.
"It's heavy." Yoruichi placed the box on her lap and unwrapped it. Inside were too bottles of shampoo.
"That is the best shampoos and conditioner for getting rid of split ends." Yumichika explained eagerly.
"Thanks," Yoruichi did her best to restrain herself from assaulting the man for insulting her hair.
"Here," Ikkaku unceremoniously tossed his gift to Yoruichi, who easily caught it.
"I love pomegranates!" Yoruichi smiled. "Thanks Ikkaku." Ikkaku smiled smugly, ignoring the angry glares he was receiving for the other two Shinigami.
"That just leaves mine." Urahara took his place next to a small stereo. "As Yoruichi already told you, I like to treat Yoruichi to some exotic entertainment on her birthday." Urahara took a deep breath to maintain his composure. "This year, I decided to splurge a bit and get Yoruichi something extra special."
"The lovely young lady that I've contracted for the evening is new to the game, but I could tell that she has talent and she just needed the opportunity to use them." Urahara was having a difficult time keeping it together. "Remember, the birthday girl gets the first lap dance for free. Everything else cost extra."
"Hold on!" Yoruichi stood up from her chair and ran off to her room. She returned soon after with a large roll of singles.
"You ready?" Urahara asked. Yoruichi nodded eagerly.
"Then everyone, please give a warm welcome to Honeybee…hahaha!" Urahara couldn't contain himself as she said the name. He quickly pressed play on the stereo to cover up his laughter. A throbbing baseline began to emanate and the shoji to an adjacent room slid open.
Urahara wasn't big on photography. Unless you needed to prove something, there wasn't much point of taking pictures of things you experienced. However, there were a handful of moments he wanted to preserve to revisit. The moment that Soifon stepped out of the room was top on that list.
The once eager face of Yoruichi was now frozen in a look of complete, total, and utter shock. Her hands, which had been shuffling the singles between them idly, were now frozen in place.
The faces of the rest of the people in to room were al frozen in similar expressions as Soifon strutted over to Yoruichi, wearing a fetish schoolgirl outfit, complete with a plaid skirt and a whit button up shirt..
"You must be the birthday girl." Soifon purred seductively into Yoruichi's ear, who was still motionless. "Ahh, no touching." Soifon chided as she pushed frozen, outstretched hands down to her sides. With the hands down, Soifon began her dance.
As Soifon strutted around and grinded the air above Yoruichi's lap, Urahara physically lost control of his diaphragm. He collapsed over the counter he was standing behind and laughed uncontrollably while the rest starred on in bewilderment.
Slowly, Soifon began to unbutton her shirt, keeping time with the rhythm of the song that was playing. She reached the last button and discarded to shirt, revealing the lacy red bra underneath.
Soifon didn't know if she should be thankful that she seemed to have put Yoruichi into a catatonic state of shock. On the one hand, it was making the ordeal easier, but she was rather disappointed that she wasn't getting a reaction.
With the shirt removed, the skirt was the next thing to go. Soifon unbuttoned one clasp and the skirt slipped off as if it were pulled.
It was not that the situation sunk in to Soifon. She was now standing before Yoruichi, Urahara, Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Rangiku in nothing more than a lacy red bra and matching thong.
But she was too deep to turn back now. If she only went halfway, then Urahara would still win. The song was nearing its end and there was still one last article of clothing to remove.
Turning her back to Yoruichi with her rear stuck out, Soifon reached up and unclasped the hook of her bra, quickly, before her natural instincts got the better of her, she removed the undergarment and carelessly threw it across the room.
Soifon, Captain of the Second Division and the Commander-in-Chief of the Onmitsukido was not topless and giving Yoruichi Shihoin a lap dance.
The music faded and Soifon ended her dance, straddling the sitting and stunned Yoruichi. What followed was a deafening silence that had an almost physical presence. For several moments, no one moved or made a sound.
"You said everything else was extra, right?" Ikkaku broke the silence. "I've got money, do me next." Ikkaku removed a wad of cash from his pocket.
All the heads that had been focused on Soifon, except Yoruichi's, now snapped to Ikkaku. Surprising, Soifon dismounted Yoruichi, who was still appeared catatonic, and walked over to Ikkaku.
"Come on," Ikkaku patted his lap. "I promise to tip good."
Soifon stood there for a moment, still topless, with her hands on her hips. Then, in one swift, elegant movement, she delivered a roundhouse kick to the side of Ikkaku's bald head, knocking him off of his chair. He landed on the floor, where he lay motionless.
"Well, I can't say he didn't have that coming." Yumichika said, his daze broken by the sudden outburst of violence. As Yumichika and Rangiku tried to restore Ikkaku's consciousness, Soifon gathered up her clothed and disappeared while Yoruichi continued to sit in a daze and Urahara resumed his hysterical laughter.
Everyone was so caught up in themselves that they failed to notice the front door open.
"Hey, sorry I'm late." Renji said as he entered the Shoten. "Hope you didn't start the party without me."