Note: Outlaw Star and everything vaguly relating to it is owned by whoever owns Outlaw Star. I don't own Willy Wonka and his Chocolate Factory, the Telatubbies (yeah, I know it's old, but they make such great villians), Super Banana Bombs, Pauly Shore, or anything else in here. And it's got toilet bowl humor, near the end (though a kitchen sink might be more appropiete...maybe next time?) If I offend anyone, it's probably due more to the fact that this was written late at night and I'm dehydrated then from any intention on my part (I rarely do anything with any intention whatsoever). Enjoy (if you dare!).
Please Don't Sue Me!
Fred Luo: Come one come all, to Fred Luo's Magical Chocolate Weapons Factory! Where the enemies you defeat make a tasty treat! Or something like that. Welcome! Welcome!
(Fred is standing at the gates of a Very Big Mansion. Several thousand people are standing outside)
Fred: And today, for the first time in history (at least that I can remember), the gates of Fred Luo's Magical Chocolate Weapons Factory will be open to a lucky few, who I will choose randomly by picking the first people I see.
(Fred moves through the crowd. They follow)
Fred: Let's see...hmm, I like you, I like you, I don't like you, oh my, that outfit is simply dreadful! Ooh! I love gold!
THREE HOURS LATER...
Deep within the corridors of Fred Luo's Chocolate Weapons Factory...
Fred: (wearing purple clothes and now sporting goatee) Let's see...we have Jim Hawking, Tootles Tiddywinks, Aisha Clanclan, some guy named Charlie, Steve Erwin and a purple jelly bean! Let's go!
(Everybody hops onto Willy...er, Fred's Magical Flying Donut Airplane)
Fred: Now remember kids...
Aisha: (indignantly) I AM NOT A KID! I am a diplomatic reperesentative of the Ctarl-Ctarl Empire, posted here by order of...
Fred: Yeah, that's nice. Now remember, kids, my Highly Competent Security Guards made you all sign an agreement prior to entering, which means that you can not disclose ANY information contained within these talking walls, or whatever they are. That means everything here is classified top secret! Hush-hush! Talking is one big no-no!
Everybody: Huh?
Fred: Oh...that's right...you didn't sign it yet...did you? Hehe...(I'm gonna cut their salary)...oh well! Nothing interesting right now anyway...
(The airplane dives into a Giant Floating Hamster Ball™ and zooms through an elongated tube as psychadelic colors swirl around)
Jellybean: Groovy!
Fred: Shush, you. Now everybody sign here! Quickly! Before we all die!
Tootles Tiddywinks: I can't die! I don't have insurence!
(Everybody quickly signs the agreement using Fred's Expensive Imported Zero-Gravity Spacer Pen ["It's positively Spacey!"] which he paid lavish amounts for before realizing he could get one much cheaper locally)
Fred: There. Now remember, everything from this point on is strictly private. If anyone blabs my lawyers will crush you.
Aisha: (trying to act diplomatic) I can not follow your request, or whatever it is you just made...As an agent of the Ctarl-Ctarl Empire, it is my duty to inform High Command of the dealings...
Fred: I'll give you a donut if you shut up.
Aisha: MMM! DONUTS!
(Asha gobbles up the donuts, knocking the Jellybean out the window [There are no enclosed windows on the plane because Fred thought they were a waste of money)
Tootles Tiddywinks: AHH! My jellybean!
Fred: Oh, what a tragedy! Such a shame! Ooh, pretty flowers! Lalalalalala...Sing along, folks!
Everybody: Oh, there's no place like Fred Luo's place, oh Freddy is the best! Oh, I love you and u love me and we all dance in tangerines....
Aisha: Enough of this foolishness! I, Aisha Clanclan, claim this Magical Chocolate Weapons Factory or whatever in the name of the Ctarl-Ctarl Empire! Ooh, chocolate!
(Aisha leaps off the plane toward a freakish-looking contraption and starts shoveling chocolate into her mouth)
(Fred drops the plane to the ground with a monstrous THUD!
Monstrous THUD!: THUD!
Fred: Oh no, you musn't do that! I'm liable to get sued!
(Suddenly, a huge metal arm grabs Aisha and scoops her inyo a gigantic toilet bowl blender)
Aisha: HELLLLLpppp MEEEEEEeeeeeee
Some old guy who runs up: Hey! What happened to my fifth-cousin's stepdaugher's uncle's son's ex-wife's sister's niece?
Fred: Huh?
Old guy: WHAT HAPPENENED TO HER!?!?!?!
Fred: Oh, her! Oh, don't worry, she just got sucked into the THING!
(Dun dun DUUUUUUUUN!!!!!)
Fred: Can't tell you, need-to-know-only, ya know, heh heh! Anyway, I'm sure she's very happy right now, being made into delicious strawberry bubble gum!
Old Guy: WHAT?!?!?!? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I'M CALLING MY LAWYER...(sputters and dies)
Fred: Oh dear me. We must observe a moment of silence for this dearly departed's soul (bows head in preayer) Okay! Loomfas, drag this body out of the way!
Loomfas: Oomfa-Loomfa, tiddly tee!, if you are dumb you listen to he, Oomfa-Loomfa Widdly Wee, when you are hungry, go and drink tea!
Fred: Oh, dear, we're running late, here, over here, outta my way! (Fred knocks aside his workers and several thousand dollar's worth of machinary) Tsk, tsk. Money can always be replaced by equipment! Or is it the other way around?
(Fred leads the group through a halway with shelves loaded full of gadgets) Here we have Caster shells that suck your soul out when you suck on them! And my favorate, ice cream swords that melt when you lick 'em! Good thing, too. Oh, and over here...
(Suddenly, the back wall explodes and several figures step out of the wreckage)
Mysterious figures: Resistance is futile. Surrender now or be piddlewink-diddled!
Jim: Hey, I finally got a line in this fic! AHH! It's the Teletubbies! But I though they got deported to Libya?
Teletubbies: You fools! No one could resist us! Now we shall fuddly fump you!
At that moment, after much struggling, Tiddywinks pulls off his mask to reveal...(dramatic pause)...A TELATUBBY! (Don't know which one...you think I actually watch that stuff?)
Fred: Oh, hi guys. What can I do for you today?
Telatubblies: Give...us...your...soul...
Fred: AAH!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs around in circles, glomping onto Jim) Gene, HEEELLP MEEEEEEEE!!!
Jim: (sweatdropping) I'm not Gene...
(Just then, a tactical nuke slams into the Telatubbies, followed by a UFO, trampling from Sumo wrestlers, several giant robots, a Super Banana Bomb, an attack by giant sheep and a cameo by Pauly Shore)
Suzuka: (leaping through wreckage) Prepare to meet your doom! (glances around) WHAT THE **** HAPPENED HERE?
Fred: (glomps onto Suzuka) Yippee! I'm saved! Thankyouthanyouthankyou!
Suzuka: (sweatdrops) I'm supposed to kill you, remember?
Telatubbies: Annhilation...is...irrelevant...(black out)
Fred: Oh dear...this will be very expensive to repair...oh well! Boys,
go dump these guys down the garbage chute. I have to finish showing my
GUESTS around!
What other wonders await the group in Fred Luo's Magical Chocolate
Weapon's Factory? Who knows? Who cares? R&R!
Yet Another Bloody Note Nobody Cares About: ^_^)) = Gene Starwind Smiley!
Invented by Julie, I think...Spread the love! ^_^))