I used to scoff at everyone who would define me as rough around the edges. I wasn't that weak. No, I don't play games with people's minds and I won't be cruel just to keep you away. This is me. This is who I am. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you just let me be who I am? This isn't a persona that I adopted. I've always been like this and I'll be damned if I let anyone try and change me.

…but that's all a lie. I did adopt that persona and I made it mine. I berated myself many times for letting it seep into my pores and truly clutch onto me like a second skin. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. No one could hurt me and I could pretend to take satisfaction in digging that cruel knife into their backs. I felt disgusting. I still do. It's as if there's a part of my soul that is covered in rotting filth that can't be washed away. Scrub. Disinfect. Sterilize. Nothing seems to work.

I do clutch onto hope though. Okay, I know what you're thinking. "Rika, you just told me that you're scum…and now you believe in hope? Pick a side and stick with it!" You don't understand though. This side, that side…it doesn't matter which side I'm on. They all belong to me and they all need to be cherished…and I have hope. Hope, not in the form of medication or surgery, but in the form of an individual.

This hope is like a light that casts its rays over the dark expansion of my stained soul. It cradles me and nurtures me. Sometimes, on my darkest of days, I can hear it calling to me from a distance, beckoning me. It urges me to cleanse my mind of negativity and open myself to those cleansing rays.

I don't fight it. I want that warmth to envelope me time and time again and I'm happy. Everything is right in the world and I feel so free. Free! I can fly and no one can hurt me! I'm soaring!
And just as quickly, my wings dissolve and I plummet towards the Earth. The ground comes barreling towards me and I try to shield myself but the impact is too much!

I can feel it then. Those eyes are watching me. They hold malicious intent but…something attracts me to them. I find myself in a trance and I can't escape. And then hope returns and I reach for him, pleading desperately, everything in my being calling out to him…and he flinches away. It's too much for him and I offer a weary smile. It's too much for him so I wave it off. I might not have been strong enough this time but next time…next time I'm going to win this battle and I'm going to touch the clouds.