Disclaimer: All characters featured in this fic do not belong to me but are copyright of Clamp.
A Heart Of Snow
Touya san...
I do not know why, but I have had an affinity for him ever since we first met. A strong attraction which I could not fathom...
Perhaps it was fate.
I knew Touya san liked me...well, not exactly me, but my simulacrum, Yukito. I could observe all this from the back of Yukito's mind. Now, Touya was sitting across the table from Yukito and trying to teach Yukito some maths concept. And never once did he lose the enthusiasm with which he used to teach Yukito with.
Touya was caring, affectionate and somehow all his attention always seemed to be riveted on Yukito. Not knowing why, I felt a surge of anger flaming through my entire being but then quickly appeased my anger when I realized that Yukito seemed to be getting a trifle scared.
It was true that sometimes, Yukito himself could sense what I was feeling. Although he knew nothing of my existence, I could fathom all that was on his mind, I knew his heart. He finds it intangible as to why he feels such intense emotions sometimes, and sometimes, weirdly enough in the middle of the night too. But that could occur only because I was in control of his mind when he was asleep. I was thinking and any revival of such vehement emotions would sometimes make his awaken with a startle.
Which was weird in my opinion. Yukito should not have been able to sense my inner most feelings. However, another matter that baffles me even more is the fact that I actually have...emotions. Emotions...I...the Judge, should have been unable to feel them...but why?
I am rather ambivalent about this. On one hand, my mission as the Judge must never be forsaken. Yet, on the other hand...ever since I got to know Touya...
Emotions...they are strange things...
Odd. But I have this feeling that Touya was looking at Yukito for a trifle too long.
I lifted my eyes to meet Touya's gaze and against his own will, Yukito had to lift his eyes to look at Touya.
Somehow, I felt as though Touya was looking right at me, the Clow Card Guardian, not Yukito.
"Yuki..." Touya's tone was serious, his gaze earnest, "I'll never let you disappear..."
"Eh?" Yuki looked baffled, as well as he might.
Suddenly, another emotion overwhelmed me. This one had a soft tingling feeling to it. And most of all, I felt so secure, as though once again, I was leaning against Clow, feeling so much like a little child who knew he was very much loved.
True, Yukito and I were, in a manner of speaking, the same. And yet, our minds were different, we were two individual souls occupying the same body, the same dimension that was Yukito.
Therefore, it was actually Yukito, my spurious form, whom was the one Touya regarded as the most important person in his life, not me. Touya, he never knew of my existence and perhaps never would...and for that I was sad...
Yukito and I, we were never the same.
And we never would be...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day saw Yukito falling asleep in class again. However, this time, it seemed so much more severe than before. Yukito was truly weak now, his strength almost sapped off.
As Touya carried Yukito to the sick bay, I could see the disquiet and worry manifested in Touya's warm eyes. Clearly, Touya was worried about Yukito, and wished so much he could do something to alleviate Yukito's sufferings. As I scanned his mind, I could see that he was debating whether he should tell Yukito something.
Strange. But I could not fathom what that "something" was.
And I should have been able to. It seemed that the "something" was so important that Touya had subconsciously erected a barrier around it. And I could not penetrate that barrier.
Touya stood by the bed after he had laid Yukito on it. He was still hesitating.
"Yuki..." he began but was soon interrupted by Nakuru, who always seemed so eager to get Touya out of Yukito's sight.
Finally, it seemed Touya had to go back to class for something important.
Yukito was reluctant to see him leave, so was...I.
And yes, in a way, I prompted Yukito's subconscious to reach out and stop Touya from leaving. I was bewildered at my own actions. Needless to say, Yukito was even more confused, wondering why he stopped Touya. Yet, he recovered quickly, for his love for his friend outweighed all other concerns.
"Touya san...what's the matter?"
Touya turned around then and suddenly made up his mind about something.
He sat down on the bed, and looked at Yukito, with those passionate and warm eyes of his.
"Yukito, I know you are not a human being."
What? Touya...he could sense it? Suddenly, Yukito's soul and mine, they met in the same dimension, on the same plane. Yukito's eyes were wide open now, partly due to the shock after what Touya had said, but largely owing to the fact that he managed to see me vaguely in his mind this time. However, this could only be brought about if Yukito and I shared the same desire. The desire to let Touya know who we really were, both Yukito and me. Our true identities which both of us were trying so hard to conceal.
And I showed my true form.
The Clow Card Guardian.
The Judge.
"We finally get to meet. What's your name?"
"Yue."
Now, this was really the first time I was talking to Touya personally. The feeling was a trifle odd. I waited a moment for my wings to extend fully before I spoke.
"Yukito did not want you to realize that he is no human being and that he is only my false form."
Strange, but I see no reaction from Touya. Maybe he already expected it.
"Yukito knew not his heart, until he reached out to hold you back. That was when he revealed his innate feelings, that he really liked you so much as a friend."
I did not know my heart too. I too, liked Touya. Yet, I can not reveal my feelings. I am the Clow Card Guardian after all. I must not allow such emotions to cloud my judgment.
"To Yukito, you are the most important person in his life."
My heart hurt when I said that. Touya...he was special to me too. I thought I could never find another who could let me feel the warmth and security that I so often experienced when Clow was alive. Touya, he was the first after Clow Reed died.
"I am sure you feel the same way about Yukito when you told him that you would not want him to disappear."
Touya nodded.
"Do you realize what you would have to do if you do not want Yukito to vanish from the surface of this planet?"
"Yes, I will give you my power."
What? He was truly willing to do so? Even at the expense of not being able to see his mother anymore? Yukito, you have found yourself a true friend, I thought to myself, a real friend. I voiced out my concerns as such and Touya, he just replied that it was not fair that only he could see his mother. However, one important matter was that he was concerned about Sakura, whom he wanted so much to protect and would be unable to do so once he lost his power.
"I will do anything to protect my Master. One would never have to remind me of that."
"That would be a problem too. For if you do not take care of your own safety, Yukito would also be in danger. Promise you'll take good care of yourself too?" Touya was firm and yet gentle too.
Not knowing why I did so, I landed lightly on the cold marble floor from where I was hovering in midair. Even I was surprised at my own actions now. Why...I was usually so cold and unemotional, always remaining aloof, and kept myself at a distance from the mortals. Yet, now, here I was, finding myself changing gradually.
Perhaps...what moved me was the fact that Touya actually cared about me. Well, not me, but Yukito. Indirectly though, Yukito was still me. Even though Clow treated me like a son, never once has he shown his love for me so openly. And Touya...he was just... different.
Touya was really tall, now that I have come face to face with him.
Touya smiled... such a gentle smile.
"Both of you are really alike. Both Yukito and you."
Alike? In what way? This, I could not fathom too. I have come to realize a fact, that I could not read Touya's mind as freely as I could others. Why? I searched my own being for the answer and could not come up with a reasonable one. Yet, I was intrigued.
"I will try my best." I replied, softly.
Touya, he smiled again. A smile which exhibited such faith in me. I leant towards him, close to his cheek and held him. I could feel the power pulsing along with his blood, writhing in his veins. As delicately as I could, I extracted his power, separating it distinctively from his life force. As he collapsed in my arms, I experienced that warm feeling rushing up my spine again.
"Thank you so much, Touya."
And I meant it. Truly. This was the first time I felt so close spiritually and mentally with a human.
I recalled that Touya had said earlier that Yukito and I were so similiar.
Yukito and I, we were alike?
Perhaps. I have come to understand now. My heart...it is now as clear as snow. I understand it completely.
Yukito and I both regarded Touya as the most important person in our lives.
That was what made us alike.
And Touya...perhaps he knew it too……