Sado, Lawyers, and the Produce Van.
Sado sighed to himself and fiddled with the cuffs of his dress shirt, it was one of those days. One of those days when everything just goes completely and utterly wrong. He thought back, trying to figure out where it had all began. Grocery shopping, he thought, it all began with grocery shopping.
Sado didn't cook, it was a well-known fact that his meals consisted of boxed lunch and anything microwaveable. So shopping was a rather rare experience for him. And, when Sado did shop, he bought absolutely massive amounts of food. He supposed that was the root of the problem. You see, even when you're as tall as Sado, you can only carry a certain amount of groceries without losing the ability to see over the stack. And when you can't see, you tend to bump into things.
This time, that "thing" was a produce van. Produce vans are often very sturdy affairs, being made of metal and such. Of course, Sado was also a rather sturdy affair, being over 6 feet tall. Needless to say, when the van hit Sado, and Sado hit the van, chaos ensued. You see, people just couldn't understand how a human being could leave a van that damaged and walk away completely unscathed. The van driver sued: Reckless Endangerment.
Sado Looked around the court room, he still couldn't figure out how crossing the street counted as Reckless Endangerment of anyone. He also couldn't figure out how Renji became his lawyer. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the gurney… It's gurney, right?" Renji began.
Ichigo interrupted from the crowd "Cough! Cough! Jury! Cough! Cough!"
"Oh, yeah… Jury…. I'd like to pronounce my client Not Guilty! Thank you for your time."Renji grinned; this pronouncement seemed to be enough for some of the jurors because they dusted off their jackets and stood to leave.
"SIDDDOWWNN!!" the judge yelled, "He's the DEFENSE, he doesn't make the final decision, you idiots!!" Grumbling, the jury took their seats.
"Mr.…. Erm… Ab-er-ray, is it?" the judge began.
"IT'S ABARAI, DAMMIT!!" Renji shouted, overturning the defense table, "GET IT RIGHT!!"
The judge nodded, making a note, "Mr. Abarai, could you please tell us why your client is not guilty."
"My client is a victim of circumference!" Renji yelled, while Ichigo muttered, "Circumstance, you idiot." under his breath.
"He was merely in the wrong place at the wrong time! It wasn't Sado's fault he was endowed with gigantic muscles and is the size of your average building! ... Unless he's on steroids… You on steroids, Dude?"
"No," Sado grumbled.
"You see? Not Sado's fault!" Renji exclaimed.
The judge seemed to take that as the end of Renji's opening statement "The Persecution?"
The persecution happened to be only the guy in the produce van, rambling incoherently about bigger guys not thinking before throwing their weight around. Sado wasn't sure whose lawyer was worse. It was about time to call witnesses to the stand. With both Orihime and Rukia testifying Sado had no doubt he'd be acquitted… the only question was how much humiliation would have to come first.
Rukia was called to the stand first, and she gave a pretty good description, of the case complete with her infamous drawings. Sado found himself staring at a bizarre likeliness of himself, complete with rabbit ears, brown hair, a pile of groceries, and muscles that stood out in sharp relief against his rabbit-y fur. He LOOKED like he was on steroids.
Orihime was next… She was sort of a babbler. Her testimony not only spoke of the accident, but every incident that had happened to her afterwards. Up until the trail itself actually, Orihime was able to spend three hours discussing the events since the accident. Among the events she discussed were, Restaurants who sold
pudding made of giraffes (supposedly), a man who she was 100 sure was a robot in disguise, twelve different variations on a peanut butter and leek sandwich, and the accident (Briefly).
When Sado himself was finally called to the stand he was about ready to beat his head against the table, and he didn't get angry easily.
"Mr. Sado…" Renji began, slapping a copy of Law practice for dummies against his palm "Is it true that you shopped for groceries at the aforementioned date?"
Sado nodded, almost completely sure this had already been established.
"AH HA! So you admit to buying an excess of groceries at the market?" Renji shouted, going redder than his hair.
"Erm… sure?" Sado muttered.
"So you did, in full knowledge of fact that a vehicle may be harmed by you," He paused and lowered his voice ominously, "Cross the street?"
"I Guess…" Sado murmured, wondering where Renji was going with this.
"Ah ha! So you admit to guilty to these charges GUILTY GUILTY!!"
"What?" Sado wasn't the type to shout but this whole thing was crazy.
"Order!" yelled the judge "Yes you, Mr. Yatzura! Or you will be held in contempt!"
Sado absolutely couldn't believe this; his defense attorney had gone to the dark side. He wondered how often lawyers went rouge and decided that it was the exception rather than the rule. The persecution was enthusiastically patting Renji on the back, congratulating his defeat of the evil (did they really say evil?) Sado.
"Thank you! Thank you for saving me from the evil Sado!!" …. They DID say evil!
"No problem, sir, I'm just doing my job, It's my duty to the Japanese people," Renji beamed," It's all in a day's work!"
Photographers took pictures, politicians appeared from thin air and shook Renji's hand, he signed Renji t-shirts, kissed babies, and finally after a flurry of balloons accepted an "Awesometastic, Fanrific, Outstanding lawyership of the year award." Ichigo has long since keeled over in a dead faint.