Title: For You Gift
Author: ShaGojyoxChoHakkaiYaoiLvr
Part: First of Third
Rating: PG - 13
Anime/Manga: Gensomaden Saiyuki
Date: Began June 6, 2003; Ended June 10
Pairing: (let's use our brains... try to figure it out)
Category: Romance, Angst, Language
Notes: My second actual Saiyuki fic. I'm just a hyper-active caffeine powered thriteen year old that plays solitaire too much and watches too much Lupin III for it to be good for my health. Ha ha. Please review and let me know what you think of it. Oh, and if you like this short fic, please read my other one entitled "Born to Be My Baby".
It alternates between the characters' POV's.
_______________
Part First
There have been times that I wonder if we are more than just friends sometimes. I mean we have been living together for nearly two years now and I start to wonder if that line between friendship and love had been blurred so badly that I have broken it and fallen in love with him. I know that I feel for him in a romantic way. I have no problem admitting that to myself. But him... I don't know how he feels about me for sure. I know that he wears that mask. I know that he bottles everything up and never removes the top to let it all out, even when he's alone. He knows that I know what he's done and all that shit. Sometimes I wish that he would just come to me and wrap his arms around me and cry into my shoulder. Let it all out. He should let it all out. It's unhealthy of him to keep his feelings bottled up; like a bird in a cage without a key made for the lock. And other times I wish that the only reason that he would run to me would be to tell me,
"I love you!"
Shit, what I would give for that. At times, I wish that I could read his mind. He's such an interesting person once you think about it and get to know him. I would know. Oh, trust me, I would know. He's as beautiful as he is smart, and that means he's gorgeous. He is. He really is. I wonder what would happen if I told him that? What would happen if I told him the only reason I'm up late when we're both home is because I'm looking at him and hearing him breathe? But he's so beautiful, how could anyone resist?
I want to breach that barrier of the friendship sometimes. I want him and I to fall asleep in the same bed, safe in each other's arms, breathing into each other's ears. I want to capture his delicate pink lips with my own and hear him gasp as I kiss him. I want to be able to run my hands though that feather - soft mess of brown hair and tell him that I love every part of him. What would he say then? What would he do then?
I wonder...
* * *
Is it hot in here because I do believe that my mind's topics have strayed far from the normal. I've been having increasingly strange dreams and they all have to do with the same man. Only, our daily lives have nothing to do with the dreams. In our regular lives, we're merely friends, right? Why, then, am I dreaming of making sweet love to that man over and over and over again? I wonder, but it gets me nowhere. It's trouble is all it is. Hah... I'm getting myself in trouble again... But I am the only one that can pull me out of it. Slap me out of it. Slap myself? No thank you.
I wake in the early, early morning, near three or four, almost every morning from hearing screams in my dreams. They alternate, you know, from nightmares to paradise. I wake up in a cold sweat from both. It's so horrible. I've admitted to myself: I've fallen in love once more... but I can never hold anyone with these hands stained in sin ever again.
But sometimes, I just wish that I could wrap my arms around that man and hold him there and listen to him breathing in my ear when he's fast asleep, or I whisper endearments of love into his.
I wonder what his kiss feels like? Truth be told I've never kissed a man before. But that makes no difference. Gender shouldn't matter, yet people blow it far out of proportion and make a much larger deal out of it than they should. If they all thought like me, they would think different, or course; but we all know that things cannot be that easy, don't we?
I long to have the words escape from my lips and reach his ears, "I love you!"
I wonder how he feels about me...?
* * *
"You want some coffee or something?" I asked him one morning when we were both awake pretty early... I think it was sometime around nine o'clock. Hey, that's early for me.
"No, thank you." He gave me that smile. That fake smile. I want to see a real smile come across his lips... and when it does, I want to capture it onto mine, too. When I see that real smile, I'll know. I'll know... 'cause it'll melt my heart.
"Tea? Anything?" I advanced.
"Tea sounds nice."
"Green? That's really all that I've got." I laugh in the middle of the sentence at my own lack of variety. Hey, gimme a break. Oh, and while you give me one of those, give me three good reasons why I should have more than just Green Tea... Alright, shut it. I got three reasons: Him, him, him.
"Sure. That's fine," he says.
I can't keep my eyes off of him, for one reason or another. Whenever I pass in front of him, I have to look at him. Why? I've said it earlier. I'm surprised he hasn't asked me about anything I've done around him. I mean I practically flirt with him, for God's sake!
Well, if he has noticed, he's chosen to keep that bottled up inside of him, too. And if he loves me, too, then we're just a couple of idiots in love because we'll never realize it. I get to wonder, though, how I could ever appeal to him in that way. Sure, I get the occasional dream where I wake up with a start in a sweat, but he's always there with me. I even started crying because I had a nightmare about my mother once and he was there for me. He knows how wierd I am. Actually, he's the only one that has truly accepted me and my messy lifestyle.
* * *
He keeps looking at me. To tell you the truth, I don't mind; I don't mind at all. I love to look into his eyes when he's talking to me and our eyes lock. Once we just stared at each other for about ten seconds and then he says, out of the blue, "Yo! How about a staring contest?" And he laughed so hard. That gave me the perfect excuse to stare into his eyes.
Oh, I'm fooling myself with all of these thoughts. I'll pine for him till the day I die and he won't return any of it. I know he won't. How could he ever love a person like me, who has done all that I have?
Oh, but wouldn't it be wonderful if we were lovers? We're living alone in the middle of the woods... never to be disturbed or bothered by anything but weather and other nature happenings. Stuck in the middle of nowhere with no one but him. That's where the clockhands stop and time stands still, while I am caught in the blissful confinement of the middle. The middle of forever: where the clockhands have trapped me. It really does feel like I have forever to spend with him. As far as I am concerned, that's just fine.
Nothing could be better.
Nothing would get any better than that. That would be perfect. A dream come true.
But those dreams are nothing more than dreams. Those dreams and reality will never collide and we'll remain strictly friends, unless he or I act otherwise, which I, honestly, do not believe either of us has got the guts to pull off.
He brings the Green Tea to me, but his fingers linger on the cup when I take it.
What is he up to?
* * *
I'm a fucking phyco. Hah. What am I doing, exactly? I don't know. I let my fingertips to linger on the cup for longer than I should and now his hand is over mine and he's giving me the most inquizitive look ever to grace the features of anyone I have ever encountered.
The tea in the cup is piping hot, the steam's rising well over the containment. I'm surprised that the burning sensation that's felt on the palm of my hand doesn't bother me as much as it would.
The phone rings.
God damned thing...
That sudden boisterous clack of noise caused me to flinch and the near boiling tea is spilled all over my hand as I rush for the phone. "Shit!" I curse as I pause when I realize I dropped the friggin' cup. I picked up the phone and without even thinking about who it could be, I murmur through gritted teeth, "You've reached the machine. Talk as long as you want. Wait for the click." I hung up. Screw them, whoever they were.
I look at my hand. Creepiest sight I ever did see: my skin's been burnt, alright, but it's also bubbled sort of, since that shit was so fucking hot. My skin bubbled. Hah. How sick does that sound? Not pretty, huh?
"Oh, no!" he gasps and reaches forward, carefull not to touch the burnt skin. He takes me by the wrist and inspects the nasty thing. "This is awful! I'm so sorry!"
"It wasn't your fault."
First Aid Kit. Cream. Bandage. He did it all. I never really cared to learn how. Hah.
We clean up the mess and he resumes his spot back on the edge of my bed and I pull up a chair in front of him and ack, "So... You wanna play cards or something?"
"Sure." He smiles again. Fake.
I pick up the cards with the unburnt hand (hah) off of the table behind me and we decide to play poker, of course. What else is there, huh?
It's later. Maybe two hours later from when we started playing. I never bothered to look at the clock. He won again, I just know it. Well, looket his face. He's got that all knowing omniscient smile across his face, fake again, but still, you can tell. He puts his cards down. I had a Full House.
* * *
I think I should tell him. I really do. I have a Royal Flush in the Hearts suit. Hearts; Love. I should tell him that I love him. This would be a good time to say that, wouldn't it? Oh, shit, who am I kidding... What am I thinking? I'm thinking about him again. Day dream. Oh... Alright, that isn't the greatest thing to think about when he's sitting right in front of you. Ah. I'm going to do it. Just watch.
"I've got a Royal Flush," I announce with a false smile.
"Shit, how in the world do you do that!?" he stammers and lays down the Full House that was in his hand.
I call his name out and then say I need to talk to him about something suddenly. It's a sudden cup of drama added to the scenario, which doesn't really effect him to such an extent that he shows it on his face. I sigh.
"I... I...," I began but no other words came. I wanted with all of my heart to scream out that I loved him. I loved him to the end of the universe and back. I wanted to hold him and kiss him when he awoke from a nightmare and he was crying from the terrible dream. Warui Yume. I wanted to whisper things in his ear that no woman would ever tell him. No woman that he ever slept with, anyway. From the things that he tells me, he only sleeps with women because he won at poker at the bar. And when I ask him who they were, I might have known them, he says he didn't even ask their names. What if that's the way it would be with me? What if we did sleep together for one night? Would it just be a fuck or would he really make love to me? Would he fuck me? Would he? Or would it just be a friendly act to ease the pain that we both have? No. If, ever, we do sleep together, I want there to be love, and lots of it. I long for him, and I have been, for what feels like forever. But then again, I could never love anyone else ever again. How could this tiny heart of mine possibly find love again after all of the sins that I have commited? Maybe it's because Gojyo is different from everyone else I have ever met. Yes, that must be it.
"You what?" His words interupted my random train of thought and I lost it in the dark of a tunnel for a moment when I suddenly remembered I was in the middle of a sentence.
"I...," I began again. Come on. I can do this. I can do this. Just tell him that you love him. You can do it. Come on! "I..." Almost there! Come on! Don't stop now! "I think maybe that's enough cards for now."
Shit.
"Yeah, I was waiting for you to say something like that," he laughed. Oh, but you weren't waiting for what I planned on saying. I don't even think he knows anything about me loving him the way that I do. I mean he's the one that's practically flirting with me all the time... Does that mean anything? I hope it does.
I laughed along with him until the laughter died down and the house was silent. Or, I could say that the room was silent but his house is so small. If you say "the room was silent", you're probably refering to the entire house, then. Ha ha.
"Um...," I started again but I knew that I would choke so when he asked what, I just replied with a casual, "Nothing."
"You're acting funny today." That hit me. I am? Does he know? How can he? He would have asked me about it if he knew, or even if he had the slightest hunch, wouldn't he? I do want him to know, though.
"I... I am?" I blush instantly. Oh, but the chain gets even worse. He leans over and places his good hand over my forehead and lifts my head up to look at him.
"You feel fine."
I wanted to say something right then but then he pressed his lips to my forehead and left them there for a good five seconds before removing them and looking at me again, locking our eyes.
"Then again," he began with a light smile, "maybe not. You're burning up."
"I am?" Damn, is that all that I can say?
"Yeah," he said. "Here; get under the covers. I'll go out for a minute to buy some Cold Medicine."
"Alright..."
*End Part First*
Please review. Part Second shall be up shortly.
Author: ShaGojyoxChoHakkaiYaoiLvr
Part: First of Third
Rating: PG - 13
Anime/Manga: Gensomaden Saiyuki
Date: Began June 6, 2003; Ended June 10
Pairing: (let's use our brains... try to figure it out)
Category: Romance, Angst, Language
Notes: My second actual Saiyuki fic. I'm just a hyper-active caffeine powered thriteen year old that plays solitaire too much and watches too much Lupin III for it to be good for my health. Ha ha. Please review and let me know what you think of it. Oh, and if you like this short fic, please read my other one entitled "Born to Be My Baby".
It alternates between the characters' POV's.
_______________
Part First
There have been times that I wonder if we are more than just friends sometimes. I mean we have been living together for nearly two years now and I start to wonder if that line between friendship and love had been blurred so badly that I have broken it and fallen in love with him. I know that I feel for him in a romantic way. I have no problem admitting that to myself. But him... I don't know how he feels about me for sure. I know that he wears that mask. I know that he bottles everything up and never removes the top to let it all out, even when he's alone. He knows that I know what he's done and all that shit. Sometimes I wish that he would just come to me and wrap his arms around me and cry into my shoulder. Let it all out. He should let it all out. It's unhealthy of him to keep his feelings bottled up; like a bird in a cage without a key made for the lock. And other times I wish that the only reason that he would run to me would be to tell me,
"I love you!"
Shit, what I would give for that. At times, I wish that I could read his mind. He's such an interesting person once you think about it and get to know him. I would know. Oh, trust me, I would know. He's as beautiful as he is smart, and that means he's gorgeous. He is. He really is. I wonder what would happen if I told him that? What would happen if I told him the only reason I'm up late when we're both home is because I'm looking at him and hearing him breathe? But he's so beautiful, how could anyone resist?
I want to breach that barrier of the friendship sometimes. I want him and I to fall asleep in the same bed, safe in each other's arms, breathing into each other's ears. I want to capture his delicate pink lips with my own and hear him gasp as I kiss him. I want to be able to run my hands though that feather - soft mess of brown hair and tell him that I love every part of him. What would he say then? What would he do then?
I wonder...
* * *
Is it hot in here because I do believe that my mind's topics have strayed far from the normal. I've been having increasingly strange dreams and they all have to do with the same man. Only, our daily lives have nothing to do with the dreams. In our regular lives, we're merely friends, right? Why, then, am I dreaming of making sweet love to that man over and over and over again? I wonder, but it gets me nowhere. It's trouble is all it is. Hah... I'm getting myself in trouble again... But I am the only one that can pull me out of it. Slap me out of it. Slap myself? No thank you.
I wake in the early, early morning, near three or four, almost every morning from hearing screams in my dreams. They alternate, you know, from nightmares to paradise. I wake up in a cold sweat from both. It's so horrible. I've admitted to myself: I've fallen in love once more... but I can never hold anyone with these hands stained in sin ever again.
But sometimes, I just wish that I could wrap my arms around that man and hold him there and listen to him breathing in my ear when he's fast asleep, or I whisper endearments of love into his.
I wonder what his kiss feels like? Truth be told I've never kissed a man before. But that makes no difference. Gender shouldn't matter, yet people blow it far out of proportion and make a much larger deal out of it than they should. If they all thought like me, they would think different, or course; but we all know that things cannot be that easy, don't we?
I long to have the words escape from my lips and reach his ears, "I love you!"
I wonder how he feels about me...?
* * *
"You want some coffee or something?" I asked him one morning when we were both awake pretty early... I think it was sometime around nine o'clock. Hey, that's early for me.
"No, thank you." He gave me that smile. That fake smile. I want to see a real smile come across his lips... and when it does, I want to capture it onto mine, too. When I see that real smile, I'll know. I'll know... 'cause it'll melt my heart.
"Tea? Anything?" I advanced.
"Tea sounds nice."
"Green? That's really all that I've got." I laugh in the middle of the sentence at my own lack of variety. Hey, gimme a break. Oh, and while you give me one of those, give me three good reasons why I should have more than just Green Tea... Alright, shut it. I got three reasons: Him, him, him.
"Sure. That's fine," he says.
I can't keep my eyes off of him, for one reason or another. Whenever I pass in front of him, I have to look at him. Why? I've said it earlier. I'm surprised he hasn't asked me about anything I've done around him. I mean I practically flirt with him, for God's sake!
Well, if he has noticed, he's chosen to keep that bottled up inside of him, too. And if he loves me, too, then we're just a couple of idiots in love because we'll never realize it. I get to wonder, though, how I could ever appeal to him in that way. Sure, I get the occasional dream where I wake up with a start in a sweat, but he's always there with me. I even started crying because I had a nightmare about my mother once and he was there for me. He knows how wierd I am. Actually, he's the only one that has truly accepted me and my messy lifestyle.
* * *
He keeps looking at me. To tell you the truth, I don't mind; I don't mind at all. I love to look into his eyes when he's talking to me and our eyes lock. Once we just stared at each other for about ten seconds and then he says, out of the blue, "Yo! How about a staring contest?" And he laughed so hard. That gave me the perfect excuse to stare into his eyes.
Oh, I'm fooling myself with all of these thoughts. I'll pine for him till the day I die and he won't return any of it. I know he won't. How could he ever love a person like me, who has done all that I have?
Oh, but wouldn't it be wonderful if we were lovers? We're living alone in the middle of the woods... never to be disturbed or bothered by anything but weather and other nature happenings. Stuck in the middle of nowhere with no one but him. That's where the clockhands stop and time stands still, while I am caught in the blissful confinement of the middle. The middle of forever: where the clockhands have trapped me. It really does feel like I have forever to spend with him. As far as I am concerned, that's just fine.
Nothing could be better.
Nothing would get any better than that. That would be perfect. A dream come true.
But those dreams are nothing more than dreams. Those dreams and reality will never collide and we'll remain strictly friends, unless he or I act otherwise, which I, honestly, do not believe either of us has got the guts to pull off.
He brings the Green Tea to me, but his fingers linger on the cup when I take it.
What is he up to?
* * *
I'm a fucking phyco. Hah. What am I doing, exactly? I don't know. I let my fingertips to linger on the cup for longer than I should and now his hand is over mine and he's giving me the most inquizitive look ever to grace the features of anyone I have ever encountered.
The tea in the cup is piping hot, the steam's rising well over the containment. I'm surprised that the burning sensation that's felt on the palm of my hand doesn't bother me as much as it would.
The phone rings.
God damned thing...
That sudden boisterous clack of noise caused me to flinch and the near boiling tea is spilled all over my hand as I rush for the phone. "Shit!" I curse as I pause when I realize I dropped the friggin' cup. I picked up the phone and without even thinking about who it could be, I murmur through gritted teeth, "You've reached the machine. Talk as long as you want. Wait for the click." I hung up. Screw them, whoever they were.
I look at my hand. Creepiest sight I ever did see: my skin's been burnt, alright, but it's also bubbled sort of, since that shit was so fucking hot. My skin bubbled. Hah. How sick does that sound? Not pretty, huh?
"Oh, no!" he gasps and reaches forward, carefull not to touch the burnt skin. He takes me by the wrist and inspects the nasty thing. "This is awful! I'm so sorry!"
"It wasn't your fault."
First Aid Kit. Cream. Bandage. He did it all. I never really cared to learn how. Hah.
We clean up the mess and he resumes his spot back on the edge of my bed and I pull up a chair in front of him and ack, "So... You wanna play cards or something?"
"Sure." He smiles again. Fake.
I pick up the cards with the unburnt hand (hah) off of the table behind me and we decide to play poker, of course. What else is there, huh?
It's later. Maybe two hours later from when we started playing. I never bothered to look at the clock. He won again, I just know it. Well, looket his face. He's got that all knowing omniscient smile across his face, fake again, but still, you can tell. He puts his cards down. I had a Full House.
* * *
I think I should tell him. I really do. I have a Royal Flush in the Hearts suit. Hearts; Love. I should tell him that I love him. This would be a good time to say that, wouldn't it? Oh, shit, who am I kidding... What am I thinking? I'm thinking about him again. Day dream. Oh... Alright, that isn't the greatest thing to think about when he's sitting right in front of you. Ah. I'm going to do it. Just watch.
"I've got a Royal Flush," I announce with a false smile.
"Shit, how in the world do you do that!?" he stammers and lays down the Full House that was in his hand.
I call his name out and then say I need to talk to him about something suddenly. It's a sudden cup of drama added to the scenario, which doesn't really effect him to such an extent that he shows it on his face. I sigh.
"I... I...," I began but no other words came. I wanted with all of my heart to scream out that I loved him. I loved him to the end of the universe and back. I wanted to hold him and kiss him when he awoke from a nightmare and he was crying from the terrible dream. Warui Yume. I wanted to whisper things in his ear that no woman would ever tell him. No woman that he ever slept with, anyway. From the things that he tells me, he only sleeps with women because he won at poker at the bar. And when I ask him who they were, I might have known them, he says he didn't even ask their names. What if that's the way it would be with me? What if we did sleep together for one night? Would it just be a fuck or would he really make love to me? Would he fuck me? Would he? Or would it just be a friendly act to ease the pain that we both have? No. If, ever, we do sleep together, I want there to be love, and lots of it. I long for him, and I have been, for what feels like forever. But then again, I could never love anyone else ever again. How could this tiny heart of mine possibly find love again after all of the sins that I have commited? Maybe it's because Gojyo is different from everyone else I have ever met. Yes, that must be it.
"You what?" His words interupted my random train of thought and I lost it in the dark of a tunnel for a moment when I suddenly remembered I was in the middle of a sentence.
"I...," I began again. Come on. I can do this. I can do this. Just tell him that you love him. You can do it. Come on! "I..." Almost there! Come on! Don't stop now! "I think maybe that's enough cards for now."
Shit.
"Yeah, I was waiting for you to say something like that," he laughed. Oh, but you weren't waiting for what I planned on saying. I don't even think he knows anything about me loving him the way that I do. I mean he's the one that's practically flirting with me all the time... Does that mean anything? I hope it does.
I laughed along with him until the laughter died down and the house was silent. Or, I could say that the room was silent but his house is so small. If you say "the room was silent", you're probably refering to the entire house, then. Ha ha.
"Um...," I started again but I knew that I would choke so when he asked what, I just replied with a casual, "Nothing."
"You're acting funny today." That hit me. I am? Does he know? How can he? He would have asked me about it if he knew, or even if he had the slightest hunch, wouldn't he? I do want him to know, though.
"I... I am?" I blush instantly. Oh, but the chain gets even worse. He leans over and places his good hand over my forehead and lifts my head up to look at him.
"You feel fine."
I wanted to say something right then but then he pressed his lips to my forehead and left them there for a good five seconds before removing them and looking at me again, locking our eyes.
"Then again," he began with a light smile, "maybe not. You're burning up."
"I am?" Damn, is that all that I can say?
"Yeah," he said. "Here; get under the covers. I'll go out for a minute to buy some Cold Medicine."
"Alright..."
*End Part First*
Please review. Part Second shall be up shortly.