A/N: I got the idea for this while lying in bed and immediately got up and got ready, then ran to the computer to type it up. And so here I am! I haven't written an Evangelion fic, even though I love the anime (and Shinji!), so I decided to make my little contribution to this section. Enjoy!

This is Shinji's POV, talking to Kaworu. Contains spoilers for episode...errr...the one with Kaworu in it. O.o' So if you have not seen that episode, or you don't know what happens in it, I recommend you don't read this if you don't want it to spoil it for you.

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, Shinji, or Kaworu. I don't own Asuka, either.

I still can't believe I killed you.

You told me you loved me. You were the only one that ever did. No, I take that back. I suppose my mother told me she loved me, before she died. But you were the only one to ever tell me you loved me when I was at an age where I was able to actually grasp it. I grasped it, but I never understood it.

I once tried to kill Asuka. No, I tried to kill her twice. I tried to strangle her. I wasn't able to finish it, though. I eventually let go.

When I was a little boy, I captured a butterfly in a jar. I loved that little butterfly, and I thought that it loved me back. I would stare at it for long periods of time, captivated by its pure beauty.

One day, I came home to find that my butterfly had died. It lay on the bottom of the jar, unmoving. Not even a twitch from its little, delicate wings. I was devastated.

After that, I began catching butterflies and killing them. I was so angry at that first butterfly for leaving me like that. I thought it had betrayed me. I continued with this game for nearly the rest of my life. I would wake up in the morning, hating myself, and then when I went outside to walk to school, I would go find a butterfly, catch it, squish it in my fist, and feel better. It always worked. I never told anyone about my ritual, because people thought I was weird enough as it was. It was my little secret.

Then, I saw you. You stood staring at the sunset, hands in your pockets, looking absolutely beautiful. You looked so serene, with that small little smile on your face.

You reminded me of a butterfly.

You were my beautiful butterfly love reincarnated and finally able to actually tell me you loved me, too. The part I hate about all of this was the part where I never told you I loved you back.

I suppose I should have seen the irony when I ended up squishing you in my fist, killing you just like I killed all of those butterflies when I was younger.

You can bet that traumatized me.

After that, I got very sad. I wanted to die. I wanted to be able to squish myself in my fist. In a way, I suppose I was slowly doing that already. Squishing myself to death. Misato noticed and got after me. She hated it when I hated myself. She always did remind me of my mother.

Eventually, I felt a little better about myself. I never felt better about what I did to you. I think I shall carry that scar for the rest of my life.

But you know what, Kaworu?

I think I learned from this experience. I think I may have finally learned my lesson.

I never killed another butterfly.

~ ~ ~ ~

love the little butterfly. . .