I love reading the very few twilight parodies there are on fanfiction, so I thought I'd make one of my own. Before you review saying "how could you right this! You are making fun of twilight!" keep in mind that I am in love with Twilight, and I just wrote this to be funny. It's a PARODY. And I LOVE Twilight, so please don't tell me I am "disrespecting the characters" or whatever. Language is a little bit overdone. Anyway, I hope you like this, enjoy!
Twilight the Parody
Bella: I'm moving mom.
Renee: Don't go Bella! I'll miss you! I don't want you to go.
Bella: You just keep telling yourself that.
Renee: No, really!
Bella: I know where I got my lack of ability to lie…
Renee: Screw you.
-In forks-
Charlie: I bought you a truck, Bella.
Bella: Um… thank you?
-The next day-
Bella: I guess I'll go to Forks High now, but I swear to myself I won't be social.
Jessica: I hate you already! Let's be best friends!
Bella: Eh, why not? Anything to make this hellhole you call Forks better… which you probably won't help at all.
Jessica: It's because I'm short, huh? WELL PISS OFF! Just because I eat an apple a day, it doesn't mean I'm fat! –Runs to bathroom and sticks finger down throat-
Bella: What the hell are you talking about?
Mike: Jessica's just bipolar because last year her therapist ate her hairbrush. We don't really know why…
Bella: Oh.
-in biology-
Bella: Hi.
Edward: I hate you. Go to hell. (A/N I was going to write "go fuck yourself" instead but I didn't feel it was appropriate.)
Bella: Already there.
Edward: Screw you.
Bella: Your mom!
Edward: Oh, HELL no!
-Week passes by-
Bella: I miss Edward. –Sobs-
-On Monday-
Edward: Sorry I ignored you. What's your life story?
Bella: Why are your eyes a different color?
Edward: Why is your face a different color? OH!
Bella: Because Charlie beats me.
Edward: …
Bella: I mean, uh, do you know how Michael Jackson turned white?
Edward: No.
Bella: exactly.
-Tyler's van comes-
Tyler: Dammit. If I just swerved a few more inches… I'll make sure to hit her next time.
Rosalie: Holy cracker!
Alice: Holy cheesecake!
Jasper: Holy apple!
Emmett: Holy bible!
Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper: Dude. No. that was just… no.
Bella: Thanks for saving me, Edward.
Edward: Damn you to hell.
-6 weeks pass by-
Mike: wanna go out with me, Bella?
Bella: no.
Mike: Oh.
Bella: …
Mike: …
Eric: What about me, why won't you go out with me?
Bella: I'm going to Seattle to hide from you rapists.
Eric: um…
Tyler: My turn, my turn!
Bella: no… just… no.
-everyone leaves-
Edward: Why did you reject them? Are you a lesbo?
Bella: um… no?
Edward: I believe you, even though you couldn't even lie to the mentally handicapped.
-In Port Angeles-
Bella: Rapist! Rapist!
"Rapist" number 1: We were just gona ask if you had a quarter for the bus, god.
Edward: Get in the freakin' car! I saw you in their minds! They were going to ask you… -shudders- for a quarter. I can't let them take anything from you!
Bella: Um… thank you?
Edward: Let's go to a restaurant.
Bella: Mmm… mushrooms…
Edward: I'm a vampire.
Bella: Cool. Oh my damn! Slow down!
Edward: Hell no. I won't crash. If I do, I'll still live. I don't care about you, I mean I AM selfish.
Bella: I agree.
Edward: You shouldn't! God, you are too dependent! It's creepy!
Bella: I think so too.
Edward: Get out of my fucking car!
-The next day-
Bella: stop overflowing the tray with food, Edward! Do you want me to turn into Rosie O'Donnell?!
Edward: That's the point…
Bella: …
Edward: I mean, uh, no?
Bella: close enough.
Edward: Thank god.
Bella: I love you.
Edward: You smell good.
Bella: My self esteem is so low that that doesn't offend me.
Edward: Let me try that again… I love your blood?
Bella: better.
Edward: I want you to tell your dumbass father that I am going out with you, and on Saturday we aren't going to Seattle.
Bella: are you going to eat me that day?
Edward: My insides are telling me that I probably will, but I'll try not to.
Bella: that's reassuring.
-at meadow-
Edward: I sparkle.
Bella: No way, that explains why you are glittering more than my mother's engagement ring!
Edward: you're observant. A little too observant…
Bella: Is this the part where you eat me?
Edward: Yeah. But I won't because I bet against Alice. Maybe later though…
Bella: That helps.
-At house-
Edward: can I come inside?
Bella: pervert!
Edward: …
Bella: just kidding. I know you didn't mean it like that.
Edward: that's what YOU think…
Bella: what?
Edward: Nevermind.
Bella: Lie in bed with me and watch me sleep! Because that's so not creepy…
Edward: I watch you every night.
Bella: that's not stalkerish at all!
Edward: Go to sleep so I can listen to what you are thinking by force.
Bella: …
Edward: Just do it before I rape you!
Bella: -goes to sleep-
-in the morning-
Edward: I want you to meet my family of bloodthirsty vampires.
Bella: coolio.
-at Cullen house-
Alice: guess what Bella! I get visions of you dying!
Bella: …
Alice: Too soon to tell each other everything? I should have waited till tomorrow.
-in Edward's room-
Alice: Jasper and I want to eat you.
Bella: You're joking, right?
Alice: Actually, no. but that's not why we came in here. We want to play baseball and make you feel like an eighth wheel.
Bella: sounds good to me!
-At baseball field-
Bella: Three even MORE bloodthirsty vampires are coming after me!
Cullens: OH SHIT!
-Everyone separates-
Bella: I miss Edward.
James: I have you cornered! Time to feast!
Bella: -passes out-
-in hospital-
Edward: Bella, are you awake?
Bella: …
Edward: Guess not.
Bella: Edward?
Edward: Bella!
Bella: Edward!
Mike: Mike!
Edward and Bella: …
Mike: I felt left out.
Bella: Don't ever leave me!
Edward: sure… heh heh… of course… -foreshadows-
Bella: I'll pretend I don't see what's coming.
So that's it for my parody. Remember, ITS JUST A JOKE! I love Twilight, so please don't review telling me I have completely made a mockery of the book. Just a joke… but yeah please review and tell me if I should make a sequel, like new moon the parody or anything? Thanks for reading!