"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
― Marilyn Monroe
Harvey couldn't remember any other time Jessica had thrown that kind of look at him.
She had looked at him in many ways through the years, he had seen so many different things in her eyes: expectation, hurt, proudness, deception, anger, surprise, exasperation, betrayal and even a bit of desire.
They weren't talkative persons as Mike and Donna were. Sure, they talked a lot in front of clients, associates and judges but never when it mattered. Personal life, family, marriage, emotions… never. Harvey had always thanked the gods they were alike because with her he didn't have to struggle through words. She got him. She got what he said with his eyes, with his film's quotes, with his jokes and, most of all, she got what he never said.
So when Harvey Specter looked at Jessica Pearson in the eye that fatidic morning he wanted to crumble under his table and never leave. He would never forget it, her lips weren't moving but her eyes said everything that needed to be said: "It's over. I'm so over you. How dare you to hurt me son of a bitch? This one is too much, not even being Harvey Specter is going to save you".
So Harvey Specter had now his name on the door but Jessica Pearson didn't even look at him. She talked to Donna, she laughed with the puppy but she acted as if he wasn't there. And it hurt. He wouldn't admit it aloud because, let's face it, he wasn't a talkative person but it hurt.
And suddenly his name on the door didn't mean so much anymore. He could say otherwise all he wanted, he had grown up so much in the last years and nobody would be able to tell where he came from if they didn't know beforehand. Harvey Specter belonged now to the Upper East Side's race, to the winner's race, to the "I'm too perfect for my own good" race. But when it came to Jessica Pearson he still was the lost boy in the mail room and having his name on the door without her being proud was the biggest bullshit since Tom Cruise chose scientology.
And that's why after a long day Harvey Specter decided not to take it anymore. He was Harvey Specter: if Jessica Pearson's atitude bothered him so much, he would confront her about it. At least that's what he said to himself over and over again on the ride to Jessica's house.
The radio didn't help either:
"Hey you people, how are you doing?"
Harvey snorted. He couldn't stand radio's voices: they always sounded like some californian surfer who got stuck on Spring's break forever and ever.
"We're going to play a song about forgiveness. If you've fucked up badly with someone that matters, don't wait, apologize before it's too late!"
How suitable, thought Harvey. Did the world hated him?
"What I gota do to make you love me?
What I gotta do to make you care?
What do I do when lightening strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there…"
Karma. Karma existed and it was kicking Harvey's ass hard. The lyrics penetrated his brain and got him thinking. He had spent the last year denying that what Jessica thought mattered. He wanted to be her equal and not feel like a five year old child who had broken a glass playing football and had been caught. She had that frustrating effect on him. But even as an equal, her opinión of him would always be more important than anybody else's.
"What I gotta do to make you want me?
What I gotta do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over, babe?
When sorry seems to be the hardest Word"
The truth is Harvey Specter didn't live to anyone's expectations. He was a free man: he did what he wanted when he wanted and the rest of the world could take it or leave it. And that's why Jessica infurated him so much: he wanted to live up to her expectations. He had fought it every step of the way but he wanted her proud, he wanted to be what she had thought, so many years ago and when nobody else had, that he could be.
"It's sad, so sad, it's a sad sad situation
And it's got more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to be, that sorry seems to be the hardest Word"
When did it exactly begin? When he had hired Mike lying to her? When he had discovered she had been married and had never told him? They both had made a lot of mistakes the last year but right now, as the fucking song was playing, none of it seemed important enough to be separated like that.
"What I gotta do to make you want me?
What I gotta do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over, babe?
When sorry seems to be the hardest Word"
He missed her. He missed how easy things were between them before all of this. He missed being Harvey, best closer in New York and that's it. She woke him up when he needed it. And he knew he hadn't been there for her lately: sure, ha had in a legal way but not as he should have."I'm not your husband, I'm your lawyer", why the hell had he said that? Oh yeah, because he was mad. Mad she was being sttuborn. Mad she had been married and didn't tell him. A little mad she had been married and it wasn't him.
"It's sad, so sad, it's a sad sad situation
And it's got more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to be, that sorry seems to be the hardest Word"
It had been a month since their fall out. A month and Harvey's life was already going down the hill. He was sleeping with Scotty which meant he was sleeping with a married woman. He knew it was a stupid move, he knew she was a liability but he was being stupid anyway. His puppy was mad at him because of how he had handled Donna who didn't spoke to him either. She had confessed her love for him. He knew it, she knew he knew, when somebody knows about something like that and doesn't do anything the message is pretty clear. She had scared him, he'd gone to Scotty who had thrown at Donna's face. Dick move. That's what Jessica would have said.
"What I gota do to make you love me?
What I gotta do to make you care?
What do I do when lightening strikes me?
What I gotta do
What i gotta do
Oh when sorry seems to be the hardest Word"
Finally. The song had ended. The ride too. What the hell was he going to say to her?
"Jessica, come back or I'm going back to the mail room".
He couldn't become that scared kid again, not after shrieking for his independance.
He got to the door and knocked. What if she wasn't alone? What if she hated his guts so much? Harvey Specter didn't deal with rejection.
"What do you want?"
Jessica Pearson didn't open the door. It was the ice queen who did. Harvey had almost forgotten that now she treated him like she would treat Louis on a bad day. He sighed.
"Can we talk?"
He recognized that look, the look that said: "I knew you'd screw up. I told you. Beg and kiss my ass".
He wanted to run away the moment he started talking but he couldn't. This was important. He cared about few people in his life and, right now, most of them hated him.
"Why?"
He'd have to fight her every step of the way.
"You're not going to be easy on me, are you?"
Jessica smirked and he got hopeful. When you get hope too soon, it crashes down as soon.
"I don't like you. Why should I?"
Jessica sighed and felt almost pity. Almost.
"Whatever it is, I don't care."
She was gojng to close the door when Harvey's leg stopped her. What did he want? He had made himself very clear last month. She was tired. She was so incredibly tired, frustrated and emotionnally exhausted that she wouldn't fight him. Not there, not then.
"If I let you in will you leave me alone for good?"
"Promise".
Bullshit. I won't. Ever.
"Come in".
Jessica's appartment was so much like her. Tidy, clean, strong but yet incredibly feminine. Everything had a particular place and stayed there. Just as in her live's. Harvey took a sit on Jessica's sofa.
"Who told you to sit?"
Harvey snorted. "I miss you".
Jessica's felt her world stop. She had been prepared for everything: sarcasm, revenge, top gun's quotes… but blatant honesty? Harvey Specter didn't do honesty and, what's more important, Jessica Pearson didn't know how to deal with it.
"You lied to me about Mike".
It was hard to resist when he was sitting just a few feet from her. It was hard to not let everything go and welcome him back. She couldn't do that so she chose to do the only thing she could think of: list all the things that had taken them to this situation. All the things that had separated Harvey Specter and Jessica Pearson.
"Never told me you were married and never intended to".
What the hell? Why did he brang up that? Oh, he had never voiced his distaste about that matter but it had been there all along. She hadn't missed the little references, the jokeshiding the hurt. She hadn't missed the whole "I'm not your husband, I'm your lawyer".
"That has nothing to do with anything".
Harvey decided right there to talk. He had said he missed her, he could go on now. His masculinity was already damaged anyway.
"Oh really? You want to crucifix me because I lied to you! Well, you lied to me Jessica".
"That was a private matter that has nothing to do with the firm."
Harvey snorted and stood up to stand in front of her.
"Are you going to stay there and pretend our relationship is only profesional? Cut the bullshit Jessica, dumbness doesn't suit you".
Of course it wasn't just profesional. But what was it? She had never been able to answer that. They had known each other for two decades, he was important to her and she was to him. They never talked about it, they flirted it out innocently. They showed they cared and that was it.
They had never went there because what would they do afterwards? Are they going to address the impossible sexual tension in the room each time they're together? That would be a horrible idea because neither of them knew what to do with it. They couldn't jump in a bed and they couldn't be happily ever after. Not them.
So Jessica Pearson did whatever she did when she couldn't get out of a situation. Changing direction.
"I get why you lied about Mike".
Harvey's eyes shot up while she sighed.
"He's your liability. He's your own Harvey. Mentoree over mentor, that's the cycle of life. I would have done the same as you. In fact, I did."
Jessica went to sat on the sofá.
"But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt as hell Harvey. You're a potential Brutus."
"I would never betray you".
"Didn't you already?"
"You dumped me".
"Harvey Specter, I know it's hard to understand but you are not ready."
Jessica looked directly into his eyes before going on with a steady tone of voice.
"You're the best closer I've ever known. You're smart, charming, inteligent, competent and hard-working. All the qualities that attracted me to you have only multiplied themselves over the years."
Here goes the leader's speech, thought Harvey.
"But that doesn't make you ready to be a leader. This is not about being the best Harvey".
"Then what it is about Jessica?"
He was exasperated. He hadn't come here to fight but it was so frustrating to think Jessica had no intention of putting his name on the door. That's why he did what he did.
"It's about thinking about the firm before thinking about you. It's about admiting that, as important as your ego is, its worth is less than the firm's. It's about not making a scene about all of this":
"Making a scene of the fact that you don't trust me?"
Jessica's face sunk into realization. It was that. Not the ego, not the power, not the ambition but her refusal. All of a sudden, she felt guilty. Guilty wasn't something Jessica Pearson did.
"I've spent all these years trying to make you proud. Making you see I've become the potential man you saw in the fucking mail room."
Harvey sighed while clenching hsi fists. Each Word going out of his mouth was a punch to Jessica's gut, the problem was that a punch to Jessica's gut was a punch to his own gut.
"Nobody could see in me what you did. Now that everybody does it seems you don't anymore".
Jessica stood up and grab his face roughly. It was as impulsive as a lion's movement.
"I am so proud of you. I am so glad I wasn't mistaken and so happy that you did become everything you could be."
The intensity of Jessica's eyes, the rough touch of her delicous hands on his cheeks, her words. He was losing it.
"Putting your name on the door has been my intention since the very beginning. Why else would i have invested so much time, trust and money in you?"
Jessica let go of his face and he felt instantly the emptiness. That's what they were about: ages of emptiness shaked up by lightening moments of fullness nobody could imagine. At least not people as damaged as them.
"Maybe you're right. When you spend so many years shaping a sucessor it's hard to let go. Maybe it's because it makes you old."
Harvey sighed.
"I should have defended you".
"Of what?"
"Of Hardman's words."
He wasn't stupid. No matter what she said, he knew those words had taken a tool on her. Being a powerful black woman wasn't easy. They would always attack her about her beauty, her aging, her not having children… That was unfair.
He knew it when Hardman said those words. He knew it when she said he should have defended her. But he was mad at her. Then he couldn't bring himself to say "sorry". He had tried to soothe the hurt with the "you're beautiful" and "you've got a date?" but it wasn't enough and he knew it.
"We've both distanced ourselves. It was bound to happen. You've got to fly of the handle at some point Harvey."
"I've never wanted that Jessica. The only thing I want is to fly with you, side by side:"
Jessica sighed.
"I think you should leave. We've both done some shit but I'm not going to forget so easily what happened last month".
"So I'm not forgiven?"
"At least not yet".
And he got it. He got that in Jarvey's language that sentence hold so many things: "Thanks for coming. I've missed you too. We'll work it out. We'll be fine. We're always fine in the end."
And at the moment he didn't need more than that. He was just incredibly grateful to have known a woman like that.
"I'll see you on monday".
He was making his way to the door when a sudden impulse took over him. He shouldn't. It was stupid, unwelcome and childish. But who the hell care about that? He took large steps and came to stand in front of Jessica.
It happened before she knew what hit her. All of a sudden his hands were on her face, his lips moving roughly on hers.
It wasn't a tender kiss. It was a "I can't talk so I'm going to pour everything in this" type of kiss. There were tongues duelling, teeth clashing and lips bruising. It was strong and forceful and violent. It held passion and forgivness and anger. It was them.
He let go as brutally as he had sunk her into the kiss. He looked at her with the same intensity he had kissed her and said:
"I was mad that day but nobody, especially Hardman, should make you feel less of a woman. You are beautiful, powerful, young and sexy. And if you have ever doubted it, I haven't. Have a good night Jessica".
Then he left. Maybe someday they would discuss who they were and what they were but not today. Today she would go to bed with her red wine and he'd fuck Scotty in his condo. It'll be as if nothing had happened but it did happened and they both knew it.
At night, when the botlle is empty and Scotty asleep, it's their lips against each other they'll remember. Because they're Jessica and Harvey and, whatever they are, words aren't needed.
"We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love."
― Robert Fulghum, True Love