Author's Note: I haven't watch this episode, I only watched Emily's voicemail message to Paige.
"Hey Paige, it's me. I heard what happened to you in the locker room. I should have called you sooner. I'm sorry if this was because of what you told me about Mona which I think it was. I'm sorry to put you in the middle of all of this. If you need anything, please call me. Listen, even if you don't need anything just call."
"Please.. Okay. I love..I'd love to hear from you. I hope you're alright. Bye"
What is wrong with me? Why did I almost spill those words? Stupid stupid stupid.
Emily plopped on the bed frustrated pulling a pillow to cover her face. No one could see her, but she was absolutely embarrassed by her slip-up. Truth was she's going crazy. She was the one who broke it off with Paige but somehow her ex manages to push her away. Paige had been shutting her out. And it's driving her out of her mind. Things with Ali didn't make it any easier. She was confused. She needed someone to tell her what are all these feelings? Emily misses Paige, but she can't possibly come to Paige about this.. Paige would understand what she needed and say the right things to make her feel better. Paige would say something funny or just hold her. And some days it is exactly what she needs, to be held. To be pressed against her lover. Paige's fingers combing through her hair. And her favorite sounds, Paige's heartbeat. Paige's heartbeat was slow and steady but it raised fire in her body. Emily didn't realized it up till now, but being held by Paige, her ears pressed against Paige's chest always calm the hurricane always going on in her head. And right now she needs something to calm the hurricane inside her.
Flashback It was three years after their first date. Karaoke at that rustic bar. Emily was a sucker for celebrations. So often times, Paige would do a mini celebration to appease her girlfriend. Their first date, their first kiss, the first time Emily talked to Paige in freshman year and the day Emily said yes to coming to California. Paige remembers dates like that making Emily feels beyond special. On this particular day it was their third year anniversary to their first date. Paige took Emily to that same bar and dangled a bullet necklace in front of her face. It was hardly romantic, but even remembering their first date after two break-ups was quite impressive. "What's this?" "It's for you" Paige grinned widely "You got me a bullet necklace?" Emily cocked an eyebrow. "Yeahh" the grin never leaving her face until she saw Emily's face dropped. "You don't like it" Paige said as a matter-of-factly. "It's not that, you do know what a bullet necklace meant right?" "Oh" realization hit her girlfriend. "I.. I.. I know. But I thought you could see pass that. I.. I got it for you to symbolize me. This bullet saved me. You saved me, Em. You saved my life and I didn't mean literally even though you did literally. I mean" Paige huffed out of frustration. Emily didn't try helping Paige out. She was a little hurt honestly. But some part of her, a tiny part of her, thought Paige was adorable when she was rambling. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't. I am being insensitive" Paige closed her fist around the necklace and attempted to keep it in her jeans' pockets. Disappointment obviously drawn on her face. "No. No. I want it. I want you, every part of you. Especially the adorable rambling part. Can you just explain to me? What it means? You were trying to, don't stop" she didn't mean to reject her girlfriends' thoughtful gift. "I.. Emily" Paige hold Emily's hands in her own and had an intense look in her eyes, the kind that let Emily know that Paige was going to say something important. Pour her soul into it. And she will say it once. Only once.
"I love you. And what I'm trying to say is you saved me. You save me from everything. You save me from myself. I'm nothing without you" "That isn't true" Emily can't help but interrupt Paige despite herself. "Just let me finish ok? I was a horrible person. And at one point I thought I might be crazy. At another point, I wanted to wipe out. But you saved me Emily. I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear, Em. I know what it means. But this bullet didn't mean Nate. It means me. It symbolize me, and you, it's how you save me. How you save me every day since that day three years ago. I'm here because of you, I am the person I am now because of you. Because you love me. Because I love you. With your love I feel like the luckiest person in the world"
"This life I have right now, you gave it to me. And I'll be forever grateful for that. I mean it. No matter what happens. You are the one person I can't imagine my life without. I don't know what would be in store for us, after graduation, or a year from now. But it wouldn't change anything, Em. You saved me. And that bullet, it's what kept me from making the biggest mistake of my life. From being afraid. From wiping out. From pretending. From holding back my love for you"
Emily had tears in her eyes. She couldn't help it. Everything in her life was beyond messed up, but Paige just declared her love. And Emily can't help but to feel overwhelmed with happiness. It's not that it's the first time Paige said those words, but it's the first time she said it like this. And Emily was sure, it was too beautiful to be a twice in a lifetime thing. "You saved me too, Paige" you might not know it, but you did.
Paige was taking Emily home and they were both silent trying to treasure this night, memorize every movement, every word, every ounce of love they had for each other. Neither of them wanted to break the comfortable silence till they reached the Fields' residence.
"You can open it, there's something I wrote for you inside" Paige finally broke the silence. Curious, Emily made a move to open the bullet. "Hey! No! Not now." Paige grabbed the bullet to stop Emily from opening it. She smiled sheepishly "I want you to read it on the day that you don't love me anymore" "Paige.." Emily was taken aback "Emily" Paige stated simply. "Why are saying things like that?" "I.. It's just.. Maybe one day, you are unsure of your feeling for me anymore. Or.. I don't make you happy anymore. Perhaps one day, you are reluctant to stay. I want you to open this and read it. Maybe it'd change your mind" she said finally letting go of the bullet.
Emily was at a loss of words. She didn't know how Paige managed to make a night which was hardly romantic to begin with one of the best nights of her life. One of the most meaningful. A night she'd remember for a lifetime.
"I love you, I love you so much" she whispered before leaning in and closing the gap between their lips. The kiss was sweet. But intense at the same time. Emily couldn't put a word to it, they've never shared a kiss like this before. So pure and passion-fueled. Both girls were trying hard to convey what words couldn't, their aching love for each other. Paige's lips were soft but urgent at the same time. It felt as though Paige was trying to devour her, count every moment and never let go. Eventually Paige pulled away, Emily would have never been able to pull back from such kiss, and leaned onto Emily effectively placing her forehead against Emily's. Emily opened her eyes to look at her lover. Paige was breathing against her, eyes still shut tight. It's as if, up till this moment, Paige still doesn't believe Emily is hers. It feels as if Paige still doesn't dare open her eyes, willing the world to not end her sweet hallucination, hoping that this miracle will never end.
"Open your eyes, Paige" Emily asked sweetly but somehow it only made Paige shut her eyes tighter.
"Look at me, babe" Paige relented at the pet name. Her brown orbs allowing Emily to see through her. Every feeling. Every emotion. The things she had been conveying through the kiss. Emily nod in understanding earning her a smile.
"I love you more"
Emily jumped at that memory, quickly going through the night drawer to find the bullet necklace that she kept hidden from any of her friends. Maybe it was selfish, but Emily didn't want to share that memory with anyone. It was purely Paige and her. It was them in a world where everything was messed up. But it was perfect, Paige was perfect. And Emily never understood the rationale of it, but she thought that maybe, if no one knew how happy she was it wouldn't end. She could keep Paige forever. And because of that, she rarely included Paige in date night or girls' night. Emily usually just bailed early to watch movies and cuddle on Paige's couch.
You're my first love Emily, and you'll be my only love, sweetheart.
Emily flipped the note over,
You're the real thing; I never want to lose you. Come back.
Author's Note: A bullet necklace meant that everyone has a bullet with their name on it somewhere, that is to say the instrument of their own mortality. In Emily's case, she killed Nate. So, in her perspective that was what the bullet initially symbolized. Her killing Nate. Paige, however, being the optimist person she is used a "bad" thing into a good thing. She wanted Emily to think of the bullet as an instrument that saved her instead.