The Prayer Warriors Meet Their Match
Author's note: This is a one-shot parody/comedy that I'm writing in response to ThomasBrownofChrist's horrible Prayer Warriors fic. I hope everyone who thinks Thomas Brown and his "army of God" should go drink the Kool-Aid and get off Fanfiction enjoys this. I do not own Percy Jackson or the Greek gods and goddesses. I mean no offence to Christianity in general or any other religion for that matter. But to racist, self-righteous bigots—I hope I do offend you. You're no worse than the people you condemn.
Please review; but be warned, flames will be used to roast marshmallows. If Tom Brown and his Army of God attempt to start a flame war on my review column I will block them from reviewing.
Anyway, enough of that. Everyone read the Author's Note, especially the disclaimers? Good. On to the story!
Setting: Throne room on Olympus. Zeus has called together the gods to discuss the threat of Tom Brown and his "Army of God".
"We have let them persist in their foolish and harmful ways too long!" shouted Zeus. "It is time to do something about these self-righteous fanatics. While they were content to merely insult us I was unwilling to take action. We are above the insults of mere mortals. But now they degrade mankind. They insult Women, Muslims, African Americans, Atheists, and Stan. It is time to do something!"
"I could just make them die," Hades offered hopefully.
"Not fair!" roared Ares. "I want to slaughter them in battle! Hades can't have all the fun!"
"I want to drown them!" Poseidon interjected, unwilling to be outdone. "And then torture them under the sea!" The other gods and goddesses jumped up from their seats ready to defend their right to deal with the Army of God.
"I have an idea," Dionysus said. Everyone stared at him in surprise. He usually had little to contribute to their godly meetings. "Don't look at me like that. Insanity is my specialty. We would have to work together. If we can survive that, the Army of God should be a piece of ambrosia. Everyone would get a chance to deal with them, but there won't be any killing-at least not right away."
"We will hear this idea," said Zeus.
"Death would not trouble these maniacs. They will fight us and die willingly, believing themselves martyrs. It would be better to drive them insane- to cause them to do the very things they have denounced. After that we can kill them if we want. We will need all our varied talents to pull this off. I could, of course, simply destroy their minds myself, but that would take all the fun out of it.
"We should all get to work doing whatever we can to drive these mortals crazy. Make them commit what they feel are sins. Some of them will probably see the stupidity of the course they are following, others…
"Just a few hints. Aphrodite, my dear, pull out all the stops. Spare no effort. Persephone, love, think poppies. Fields and fields of poppies. Hades, even without death there will be plenty of chances to cause fear and terror. And, Apollo,-Nirvana."
All the gods agreed that this plan was universally acceptable and set out to do whatever they could to make the lives of the Army of God Tartarus on earth. They left the throne room with plans to meet back in an hour when they had all had time to set their strategies in motion.
With a snap of Zeus' fingers the Olympian throne room transformed itself into a huge movie theater type room. The word had been spread to all the minor gods and most of them had made some contribution to the madness that was taking over the Prayer Warriors. Everyone settled down to watch the show as Hermes and Hephaestus made some last minute adjustments to the live feed, high definition super screen at the front of the room. Dionysus snapped his fingers and popcorn and soda appeared all around.
Most of the group looked quite pleased with themselves. Athena was still wearing battle armor, and there was a momentary commotion at the door when Hades tried to come in still wearing his Helm of Darkness. Persephone almost got blasted into a puddle of salt water when she waved her hand and turned the chair Poseidon was sitting in to poppies. Apollo had to be asked to turn down his IPod which was still blasting Nirvana at full volume (full godly volume, FYI). At last the show was ready to begin.
Scene I
All the gods roared as they watched a group of Prayer Warriors led by Tom Brown racing across a parking lot. Suddenly the parking lot turned into a huge field of poppies. The warriors' belligerent expressions gradually faded until they looked benignly stupid. They smiled at each other and looked around as if they could not quite remember how they came to be there.
Everyone cheered and wolf-whistled appreciatively as they looked at Persephone. She blushed and said, "Special hybrid variety. Heavy on opiates."
Scene II
The warriors in the poppy field were still standing there looking dazed when a pink mist swirled around them. The warriors looked around and then lunged at each other. Soon every Prayer Warrior was in a passionate lip lock with whoever had been standing closest to them. Tom Brown and his virgin girlfriend Mary seemed to have gotten the full brunt of the spell. They were groping each other and Mary seemed to now be wearing black leather.
More cheers erupted. Aphrodite rose and bowed slightly. "Merciful Zeus! Is that a riding crop in her hand?" someone shouted. Aphrodite smirked.
Scene III
Almost as quickly as it appeared, the poppy field vanished. The sun grew dark. Lightning crackled across the sky. With cries of fright the Prayer Warriors realized what they had been doing. They believed that God was about to take swift judgment on them.
"Forgive us, forgive us. It was the Satanic magic that made us do it!" Mary alone did not look completely sorry. She fingered the crop admiringly.
Suddenly a gaping crack appeared in the earth at their feet. Hades stood nearby wearing his Helm of Darkness. The mortals could not see him but they could obviously feel its power. Zeus appeared in front of them and said in a booming voice, "You will be punished not for this but for your crimes against mankind and Stan!" Then with another flash of lightning and rumble of thunder he was gone. The crack in the earth sealed itself. The sun; however, remained dark. And Hades still stood behind them emanating pure fear. Hades gave the all clear sign and Nirvana music blasted from the heavens. The Warriors rolled on the ground clutching their hands to their ears. Then it changed to KISS. Hades left- he was no longer needed there.
The applause in the throne room/theater was deafening. Hades Poseidon, Zeus, and Apollo grinned and gave each other high fives.
Scene IV
After that horrible fright, the Prayer Warriors felt the need to retreat to the comfort of the church. As they sat there begging God for forgiveness for their indiscretions, and explaining frantically that it was Satanic magic that had caused them to err, an arrow came whistling through the open window. A dense yellow cloud filled the room. The Warriors were no longer visible, but everyone in the theater could hear them choking and gagging. A roar of laughter filled the Olympian theater. "Mother of all fart arrows- nothing special really." Artemis waved aside the compliments.
Scene V
The Prayer Warriors decided that in order to keep up their strength to fight the fight of faith, they needed to eat. They thanked God for their Jell-O and Kool-Aid and ate ravenously. All seemed normal until half an hour after they had eaten. Every Prayer Warrior was in line to use the loos.
The Olympians looked baffled. Apollo looked around and said, "Uh, is there a god of laxatives? "
Demeter and Hecate stood up. "Combined effort, "Hecate replied. "Demeter turns everything they're eating into pure fiber, while I disguise it to look and taste like normal food. Actually, we weren't the only ones who got in on this idea…"
Scene VI
Further explanation was unnecessary because at precisely that moment half the Warriors went berserk. They began beating each other up screaming, "I will pound you to a pulp!" The other half stepped out of the way and began speaking rapidly, "The probability that I will get into the loo in less than five minutes can be calculated by… The ratio of broken noses to unbroken noses is… The best tactic for getting into the loo in less than five minutes without getting a broken nose is…"
The Olympians cheered their approval while the curtain mercifully closed on that scene.
Suffice it to say that the Olympians enjoyed their afternoon immensely. Hermes himself hacked Fanfiction and deleted everything Tom Brown had ever written. Dionysus got the Army of God to drink a great deal of Kool-Aid.
By the end of it, the Army of God was babbling about Dogs, Stan, Gerald, Kool-Aid, Marshmallows, and Jell-O with increasing irrelevance. They were so distressed that when the twelve Olympians appeared to them in a cloud of fire they bowed desperately before them and cried, "Forgive us! We will never insult Percy Jackson, Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists, Women, or Stan ever again!"
The Olympians smiled and condemned them to burn in Jell-O for a thousand years without marshmallows, chocolate, or graham crackers. When their time was up their case would be reviewed again. For now the fans of Percy Jackson could rest knowing their enemy had met its match. The Army of God had come face to face with someone who actually knew how to use Spell-Check.
Spell-Check, the Olympians, and Stan had won the field. It was a historic victory.