LE PLUS CA CHANGE...
Just another Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
By Dave Menard
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Rumiko Takahashi-megamisama and others
own the original situations + characters. All A.N.C.'s are my
fault.
********************************
"Those who forget the painful lessons of history are
doomed to repeat them." -Someone Much Wiser Than The Author
"Those who forget the cause of the War of 1812 may be
doomed to repeat History 101" -The Author
"The sins of the Fathers are visited upon the sons, unto
the seventh generation..." -The Bible
"We are all cursed to turn into our parents..."-Anonymous
It was a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at Furinkan
High School. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and
assorted mysterious figures lurked ominously in the shadows,
waiting to wreak horrible vengeance upon a certain martial
artist.
The young man in question walked through the gates of the
school, accompanied by his fiancee, the youngest Tendo sister.
The two were studiously attempting to ignore each other, as
usual, when suddenly, the cry rang out:
"KOBUTA HIBIKI, PREPARE TO DIE!!!!"
The reader may be forgiven for being surprised. You were
expecting maybe Ranma Saotome? If so, I'm afraid you'll be
disappointed. Ranma Saotome hasn't been a student here in
twenty years. As a matter of fact, the pretty young lady whose
fiance has just been attacked is in fact his youngest
daughter, Sachiko Tendo. Confused yet? You will be...
Kobuta sighed. It was the same thing every day. He
charged forward to meet his opponent. Let's see, he thought.
It's Tuesday, so that must mean...
"FIREBALL!!!" A colossal burst of flame exploded directly
to his left. He flipped nimbly to his right, coming up in a
ready crouch. The delicately pretty girl he faced laughed
menacingly. Or, at least, it was intended to be menacing. In
point of fact, the only thing terrifying about Lina Gosunkugi
was her power. Physically, she was perhaps one of the
prettiest girls Kobuta had ever seen. Long, wavy black hair,
bright green eyes, a petite but shapely figure. The fact that
she affected a "goth" image only made her seem more exotic to
a country boy like Kobuta. He really wished they didn't have
to fight all the time, but that wasn't by HIS choice. As a
matter of fact, it was all the fault of...
A sudden blow to the head sent Kobuta flying across the
quad. Fortunately for Kobuta, the hardest part of a Hibiki is
the head, so he merely picked himself up and snarled at the
jerk who struck him from behind.
"Hah! Gotcha now, you stupid hick!" said jerk mocked. He
was a older boy, tall and whip-thin, long wavy black hair tied
back into a ponytail. His uniform was decorated with various
badges and patches that declared him leader of the "Raging
Bulls", a local gang of deliquents Principal Hinako had long
been trying to eradicate.
"I'm warning you, Burakuro, back off!" Kobuta cried,
rubbing the goose-egg growing on the back of his head. "I'm
not in the mood today..."
"Hohohohohoho..." Burakuro laughed. Now HE had the
villainous laugh _down_. He tossed his head and consciously
struck a pose he knew highlighted his bishonen good looks.
"That's Upperclassman Taro to you, hayseed! I'm sick of you
showing me up, making me look bad in front of Achika!"
"Hey, it's not like I go out of my way to do it,
Upperclasshole! You do three quarters of it to yourself!"
The Achika in question took that as her cue, and
teleported onto Kobuta's arm, employing the glomp that got her
mother the coveted position of Co-Empress of Jurai. Burakuro
was knocked onto his keister by a quick snap kick from the new
arrival.
"Aww, Kobutaaaa..." she purred fetchingly in his ear,
causing his hair to stand on end. "You'll protect me from the
big, bad Upperclassman, won't you?"
"Gaaah! C'mon Achika, give me break, please?" Kobuta
flailed in Achika's grip to no avail. The spiky-haired alien
girl had him in the Hakubi glomp (tm, pat. pend.) from which
there was no escape. No escape, that is, until a lightning
bolt nearly parted Achika's hair. Whoops, thought Kobuta.
forgot about Gosunkugi...
"You stay away from my Burakuro-chan, you alien hussy!"
Lina cried, winding up for another bolt. Achika pulled a face.
"How many times do I have to tell you, witchy-poo, I
DON'T LIKE HIM!!!"
"Oh, say it ain't so, my goddess of the stars!!" Taro
lunged forward for a glomp of his own, but Achika
dematerialized, leaving Burakuro with an armful of pissed-off
Kobuta.
"Get OFFA me, you fruitcake!!" Kobuta cried, flinging
Taro face-first into the concrete. Forgetting all thoughts of
vengeance against alien princesses and Hibikis, Lina cried out
in horror and ran to the unconscious Taro's side.
"Oh, no! Burakuro-chan? Burakuro-chan? Are you all
right?" She grabbed him by the shoulders and began shaking him
violently. "Please wake up, honey-poo!"
Taro merely drooled.
"Phew," said Kobuta. "Thank goodness THAT'S over. Now,
where did Sachiko get off to?"
"Kobuta-Airen want to skip school, take Ti-Pi on date?" a
sing-song voice called from above. With a groan, Kobuta looked
up to see a winged Amazon descending from the sky, a Chinese
Take-Away box held daintily in hand. She giggled, as kawaii as
a box of kittens as she tossed her deep sea-green hair over
her shoulder. He barely had time to register her presence when
he felt as much as heard someone alight behind him. Before he
had a chance to react, an almost feline voice purred in his
ear.
"Yes, Future Nephew, why not take my Niece on a date?"
"Gaah!" Kobuta jumped backwards a good five meters.
Panting, he faced the gorgeous thirty-something Chinese woman.
"Geez, Old Woman, you shouldn't _do_ that to a guy!"
"Who're you calling old?!" Ti-Pi's Aunt responded with a
whack upside the boy's head with a bonbori. "I'll have you
know I'm the youngest Matriarch in 3000 years of Amazon
history! Now smarten up and take Ti-Pi out! She even made you
some of her "special" ramen... nudge, nudge, wink wink..."
"Aiyahh! Is true, Airen!" Ti-Pi landed in front of him
with a cute little curtsey. "Come with Ti-Pi, she show you
Amazon Noodle Trick!"
"I, er..." Kobuta hawed. "Er, thanks but no thanks, Ti-
Pi, I..." He twiddled his fingers nervously. "It really
wouldn't be right and all, me bein' engaged..."
"Now now, Future Nephew, it seems to me that Miss Tendo
isn't all that interested..." Ti-Pi's Aunt said with a grin.
"Huh?" Kobuta said, looking startled.
Across the quad, Sachiko joined two of her friends and
made her way indoors, completely ignoring the trials and
tribulations of the Hibiki boy behind her. Her friend Chugoku,
the bespectacled Mistress of Hidden-Weapons-Style Okonomiyaki
Martial arts, adjusted her glasses and looked back.
"Wow, look at him go! You really lucked out, sugar!
Kobuta is one heck of a good martial artist... Kinda cute,
too, in an 'I just-fell-off-the-turnip-truck' sort of way."
"I honestly couldn't care less, Chugoku." Sachiko said
scornfully as she flipped her long black pigtail over her
shoulder. "If you like him so much, why don't YOU marry the
oaf?"
"Tsk." The third girl tsked, breaking her attention away
from her appraisal of Hibiki's martial skill. Unless she
stepped up her training regimen, she'd never manage to beat
him. "Kuonjii appears to be enamoured of that most delicious
stud-muffin Keiichi Tofu in class E-3."
"Kin! I am not!" Chugoku cried, blushing.
"Verily? Then why do thine glasses always fog up whenever
you see him? And why dost thou behave like one of the mentally
impaired whenever you attempt to parlay with the majorly-hot
Tofu-san?"
"I'm just shy, that's all..."
Kin laughed uproariously. Sachiko turned to the taller
girl, a sly smile on her face.
"Well, we all know who my dear, sweet cousin Kin's got
the hots for, don't we?"
"Do not presume to 'go there', Tendo, I swear I shall
make thy life a living hell, family or no!"
"Oooh! Who is it? Who is it?"
"I am in earnest, Tendo." Kin levelled a icy glare on her
cousin. "Tell her, and I shall triple the interest rate on
your loan!"
"Oh, alright..." Sachiko said in a long suffering tone.
"But lay off, okay? I just wanna go to class, and not even
THINK about a certain baka martial artist jock..."
"Fine, fine..."
"So uh, guys?" Chugoku interjected. "D'you know what the
quiz today in Home Ec's gonna be? I forgot to study..."
Kin leaned over and smirked. "The mystery ingredient in
today's cuisine battle will be..."
"Yeah? Yeah?"
"500 yen, up-front."
"Aargh! Here! Now spill it, Kuno!"
"Very well, my ill-prepared compatriot. Today's mystery
ingredient is..." She paused dramatically for effect, "Pork!"
Sachiko smiled fiercely. "Did I ever tell you guys how
much I LOVE Home Ec?"
**************************
In the living room of the Tendo house, two men rapidly
approaching middle age sat across from each other, a game of
Mah-Jongg underway between them. The burlier of the two, a
scruffy-looking man sporting a pot-belly and a yellow and
black bandanna over his balding pate, leaned forward eagerly.
He was one tile away from a Pong!
"Say, Ranma... Isn't that one of the giant pink bats of
Madagascar over there?"
"Where?" He glanced around. "I don't see anything, Ryoga,
I... Hunh?" The other man, slimmer and with a full head of
slowly-greying hair pulled back into a pigtail looked down at
his point counters. He could have sworn... He stroked his chin
contemplatively. "Didn't I have fewer tiles than this?"
"Never mind that now. Look! Pong for me!"
"Aww. Do over! C'mon, Ryoga, do over!"
"Not a chance, Ranma, not a chance. And that makes a full
Mah-Jongg, so... Another game to me!"
"Grr. You wanna take this out to the dojo, pig-boy?"
"Tsk. Sticks and stones, Ranma... But, if you insist-"
Ryoga casually reached over and grabbed him by his shirtfront.
Using his still-titanic strength, he casually tossed Ranma
over his shoulder and through the screens separating the
sitting room from the back yard.
Ranma rolled with the impact and came up in a fighting
crouch, grinning fiercely. Ryoga bounded through the hole left
by Ranma's passage, landing in front of his host, a fanged
grin creasing his features.
"Just like old times, eh Ryoga?" Ranma smirked.
"Just like 'em," Ryoga grunted, before lunging in for the
attack.
**********************************
The two sat in the shambles of the rock garden, panting
and laughing. Ryoga glanced around. "Whoa. We really made a
mess of the garden..."
"Whoops!" Ranma laughed, getting to his feet. "Better get
out the rakes and fix this, otherwise Sachiko'll kill us..."
Soon the two were hard at work repairing the damage they
caused.
"So, whaddya think?" Ranma said between passes of the
bamboo rake. "D'you think our ungrateful children are _ever_
gonna get married?"
"Of course they will. The Anything-Goes school, the
Hibiki School of One Righteous Fist and the Unryu School of
Sumo will be united, just like we planned. They'll come around
eventually. After all, you and Akane did..."
"Yeah, you're right. I just wish... Akane could see our
baby girls now... All grown up..." Without warning, he broke
into convulsive sobs, sending streamers of tears across the
room, drenching his friend.
"Grunt!" Said the large black pig, his vast girth
quivering. He held up a wooden sign in his front trotter,
reading:
"Yeesh, Ranma, _warn_ me the next time you're gonna do
that, willya?..."
"Oh, Ryoga... Everything was going SO smoothly in the
beginning, wasn't it?"
***************************
Ranma Tendo sat zazen on the back porch, looking out
across the immaculately groomed garden. Tears streamed down
his face while a joyous smile spread across his features. He
glanced back down at the postcard, which bore a large pink pig
in sumo regalia on the front. It read:
"Bringing Kobuta from Okayama. Ryoga."
The missive was dated for a month ago, so they should be
showing up any time now..."It's about time!!" Ranma stood up,
clenching the postcard in one callused fist, and set out to
gather up his daughters.
He peered into the dojo, where his eldest daughter was
practicing. She was a blur of motion, her blue eyes flashing,
short-cropped black hair flying as she whirled through her
routines. Fists and feet flew, displaying her father's amazing
speed and her late mother's awesome strength. Her resemblance
to her mother brought a tear to her father's eye.
Clearing his throat, he called out to her. "Ranko!"
She paused in the midst of her kata, poised in the
completion of a movement that combined sheer beauty of form
with deadliest of intent. She looked over her shoulder towards
the house. Tsk. Father knew better than to disturb her while
she was practicing! She had a tournament tomorrow, and this
was going to be the year she took the all-Japan title!
"What is it, Pop? I'm a little busy right now, y'know,
practicin'?"
"Come into the house, sweetie. Family meeting time."
"This better not be about no fiance crap. Auntie Nabiki
warned me about "family meetings"...
"Um, er... Of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Okay, fine, sorry Pop. Just keepin' my guard up like you
taught me..."
"Mmhmm." Ranma nodded, going into proud father mode.
"Daughter, you make your Father proud." he said with a smile.
"Go get your little sister, and meet me back here after you've
showered."
Reluctantly, Ranko nodded, before setting out for the
house. Ranma watched her go, pride swelling his heart. Ranko
was the best martial artist he could make her, easily ten
times better than her mother had been at her age. Not as good
as HE'd been, of course, he chuckled to himself. But then
again, who was? Yes, Ranko was truly a worthy student of the
Anything Goes School. His OTHER daughter, however...
Sachiko hummed happily to herself as she chopped the
cabbage for tonight's dinner. It was such a joy to cook for
her loved ones. With Auntie Kasumi and Grandmother Saotome's
help, she'd become as good a cook, as good a _woman_, as her
mother was. Daddy even said that her cooking was better than
Mother's, but surely he was simply exaggerating...
A sarcastic snort caused her to pause in her labours. she
turned, to see her big sister leaning in the doorway.
"No _wonder_ Daddy thinks you're such a disappointment,
Sachiko..."
"Tsk." Sachiko glared at her annoying big sister. "Not
everyone thinks the world revolves around _martial arts_,
Ranko!"
"It does in this house, Sacchi. How're you ever gonna
represent the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts if you're
such a girly-girl?"
"Hmmph. Devoting your life to being the best there is at
beating people up isn't exactly my idea of a good livelihood,
Ranko. This _is_ the twenty-first century, you know. Martial
arts are for thugs and barbarians." The younger girl paused,
taking a deep breath. "Did you just come here to insult me, or
did you want something?"
"Yeah, Pop is callin' a family meetin' at the dojo, so
take off that stoopid apron an' getcher butt out there..."
"Honestly! Do you and Daddy want to eat or not? SOMEbody
has to look after these things..."
"Yeah, yeah, nobody appreciates you, yadda yadda..."
**********************
Some distance away, at the Nerima train station...
"Japan Rail 23 from Okayama now arriving on track four!"
The train pulled up and opened its doors, disgorging a
herd of salarymen and office ladies who began to scurry
towards the turnstiles, heedless of the driving rain. They
were, however, quite mindful of the squealing, snorting
presence of two large pigs, one domestic and black, the other
a bristly, tusked wild boar. Both were gigantic, easily five
feet tall at the shoulders, with red lacquered umbrellas
clenched in their mouths and matching black and yellow
kerchiefs tied around their necks. For all their imposing
size, the beasts seemed remarkably placid, one would almost
say domesticated. Grunting between themselves, they trotted
off the platform and into the city streets, the boar seeming
to lead the other.
*******************
Twenty minutes later, the Tendos were gathered in the
Dojo, underneath the "Iroha" sign. Ranma knelt in front of his
daughters, his face impassive. The two teenaged girls fidgeted
nervously, for different reasons.
Ranko's danger sense was working overtime, virtually
screaming at her to flee the area, as impending doom was
approaching. Sachiko was merely worried the rice would scorch.
Ranma sighed, gathering himself. He focused his energies
on projecting an air of fatherly authority. When he
straightened, his eyes were firm and hard.
"Ranko, Sachiko, I have wonderful news. A very old and
dear friend of the family is coming to visit with his son..."
Ranko stood up, eyes blazing. "I KNEW it! Stupid old man,
I should'a known! I ain't gettin' married to nobody! You'd
NEVER pull somethin' like this if Mom was still around! You-"
"That's enough, Ranko!" Sachiko barked, grabbing her
older sister's arm firmly. "No one said anything about getting
married!"
"Er, actually..." Ranma said, sotto voce.
"Wha-at?!" Both daughters yelled, incredulous.
"It's, er... not an arranged marriage, if that's what
you're thinking..."
"IT HAD BETTER NOT BE!!!" Ranko yelled.
"So what is it then, Daddy?" Sachiko asked, her voice
hard.
"It's er, well, I would like it very much if one of you
would _consider_ marrying this boy. He _is_ the son of a very
good friend of your dear, departed mother and I, and heir to
two very old schools of the Art... Now, don't look at me that
way, I said _consider_!"
"No way!" Sachiko cried. "I'm not marrying any idiot
martial artist! Bad enough I have to put up with you two!"
"Sachiko!" Ranma cried. "You break your father's heart!"
"Heir to two schools, huh?" Ranko murmured, interested
despite herself. "Is he any good?"
"Actually..." Ranma answered, "I have no idea. I'd hope
so, considering the fact his father is the only man who ever
came close to beating me..."
"That's not what Uncle Tatewaki says," Ranko quipped.
"According to him, he whupped your butt all the time!"
"Your Uncle Tatewaki is a moron." Ranma said hotly. "He
couldn't touch me if I had my arms and legs tied behind my
back, with my whole body sunken two feet into concrete and a
bullseye painted on my chest. And I've got pictures to prove
it. No, Ryoga is the only one who ever even came close..." His
eyes grew misty. "When I think back on those days, I... Well,
never mind. But please, both of you, give the boy a chance,
will you?" He glanced up at his two darling daughters, only to
realize that he no longer had their attention. Instead, the
girls were focused on the doors of the dojo.
"D-daddy?" Sachiko whispered. "There's a wild boar in the
garden..."
"Yeah, Pop, an' it's got a friend..."
Ranma nodded. "Little black pig wearing a bandanna?"
"Nuh-uh... BIG black pig wearing a bandanna..."
The three Tendos piled out the door.
TO BE CONTINUED...
*************************
Well, there we go. I must acknowledge my inspirations for
this story. The Realities Squared series by Jim Bader,
Converging Series by various talented authors, Desire, a
shortfic by Dreiser in her Life After Ranma series, my
frequent collaborator and goad Rick Hall, and my Nihongo-no-
sensei Marsha Higgins, who is partly to blame for the
atrocious punnish names of many of the offspring. Be assured
that she meant no harm, and any mistakes are my own and not
hers. Oh yeah, and my lovely wife, for putting up with my
insane cackling as I thought up potential pairings of
characters.
As to the specific ancestry on certain characters, I'm
awarding a big fat invisible water-buffalo chip to whoever can
guess who Lina's mother is, or who Ti-Pi's parents are. Note
that all three are real Ranmaverse characters, from the manga
or the anime. Or, if you're really interested, you can always
just ask me nice. ^_^
Just mail me at deibu_kun@sympatico.ca for all the answers.
There is one question, however, that I will answer below.
It should be obvious if you think about it, but here's the
answer anyway.
Why is P-chan so damn big now? Two reasons. One, he's
aged some, and is no longer a piglet. Two, Akari's been
feeding him a good Sumo Pig diet. It's all (well, mostly)
muscle, baby!
For more tasty fanfiction, visit http://spghome.tripod.com/
The SpacePirates Guild. The yummiest in anime fanfiction!
Just another Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
By Dave Menard
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Rumiko Takahashi-megamisama and others
own the original situations + characters. All A.N.C.'s are my
fault.
********************************
"Those who forget the painful lessons of history are
doomed to repeat them." -Someone Much Wiser Than The Author
"Those who forget the cause of the War of 1812 may be
doomed to repeat History 101" -The Author
"The sins of the Fathers are visited upon the sons, unto
the seventh generation..." -The Bible
"We are all cursed to turn into our parents..."-Anonymous
It was a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at Furinkan
High School. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and
assorted mysterious figures lurked ominously in the shadows,
waiting to wreak horrible vengeance upon a certain martial
artist.
The young man in question walked through the gates of the
school, accompanied by his fiancee, the youngest Tendo sister.
The two were studiously attempting to ignore each other, as
usual, when suddenly, the cry rang out:
"KOBUTA HIBIKI, PREPARE TO DIE!!!!"
The reader may be forgiven for being surprised. You were
expecting maybe Ranma Saotome? If so, I'm afraid you'll be
disappointed. Ranma Saotome hasn't been a student here in
twenty years. As a matter of fact, the pretty young lady whose
fiance has just been attacked is in fact his youngest
daughter, Sachiko Tendo. Confused yet? You will be...
Kobuta sighed. It was the same thing every day. He
charged forward to meet his opponent. Let's see, he thought.
It's Tuesday, so that must mean...
"FIREBALL!!!" A colossal burst of flame exploded directly
to his left. He flipped nimbly to his right, coming up in a
ready crouch. The delicately pretty girl he faced laughed
menacingly. Or, at least, it was intended to be menacing. In
point of fact, the only thing terrifying about Lina Gosunkugi
was her power. Physically, she was perhaps one of the
prettiest girls Kobuta had ever seen. Long, wavy black hair,
bright green eyes, a petite but shapely figure. The fact that
she affected a "goth" image only made her seem more exotic to
a country boy like Kobuta. He really wished they didn't have
to fight all the time, but that wasn't by HIS choice. As a
matter of fact, it was all the fault of...
A sudden blow to the head sent Kobuta flying across the
quad. Fortunately for Kobuta, the hardest part of a Hibiki is
the head, so he merely picked himself up and snarled at the
jerk who struck him from behind.
"Hah! Gotcha now, you stupid hick!" said jerk mocked. He
was a older boy, tall and whip-thin, long wavy black hair tied
back into a ponytail. His uniform was decorated with various
badges and patches that declared him leader of the "Raging
Bulls", a local gang of deliquents Principal Hinako had long
been trying to eradicate.
"I'm warning you, Burakuro, back off!" Kobuta cried,
rubbing the goose-egg growing on the back of his head. "I'm
not in the mood today..."
"Hohohohohoho..." Burakuro laughed. Now HE had the
villainous laugh _down_. He tossed his head and consciously
struck a pose he knew highlighted his bishonen good looks.
"That's Upperclassman Taro to you, hayseed! I'm sick of you
showing me up, making me look bad in front of Achika!"
"Hey, it's not like I go out of my way to do it,
Upperclasshole! You do three quarters of it to yourself!"
The Achika in question took that as her cue, and
teleported onto Kobuta's arm, employing the glomp that got her
mother the coveted position of Co-Empress of Jurai. Burakuro
was knocked onto his keister by a quick snap kick from the new
arrival.
"Aww, Kobutaaaa..." she purred fetchingly in his ear,
causing his hair to stand on end. "You'll protect me from the
big, bad Upperclassman, won't you?"
"Gaaah! C'mon Achika, give me break, please?" Kobuta
flailed in Achika's grip to no avail. The spiky-haired alien
girl had him in the Hakubi glomp (tm, pat. pend.) from which
there was no escape. No escape, that is, until a lightning
bolt nearly parted Achika's hair. Whoops, thought Kobuta.
forgot about Gosunkugi...
"You stay away from my Burakuro-chan, you alien hussy!"
Lina cried, winding up for another bolt. Achika pulled a face.
"How many times do I have to tell you, witchy-poo, I
DON'T LIKE HIM!!!"
"Oh, say it ain't so, my goddess of the stars!!" Taro
lunged forward for a glomp of his own, but Achika
dematerialized, leaving Burakuro with an armful of pissed-off
Kobuta.
"Get OFFA me, you fruitcake!!" Kobuta cried, flinging
Taro face-first into the concrete. Forgetting all thoughts of
vengeance against alien princesses and Hibikis, Lina cried out
in horror and ran to the unconscious Taro's side.
"Oh, no! Burakuro-chan? Burakuro-chan? Are you all
right?" She grabbed him by the shoulders and began shaking him
violently. "Please wake up, honey-poo!"
Taro merely drooled.
"Phew," said Kobuta. "Thank goodness THAT'S over. Now,
where did Sachiko get off to?"
"Kobuta-Airen want to skip school, take Ti-Pi on date?" a
sing-song voice called from above. With a groan, Kobuta looked
up to see a winged Amazon descending from the sky, a Chinese
Take-Away box held daintily in hand. She giggled, as kawaii as
a box of kittens as she tossed her deep sea-green hair over
her shoulder. He barely had time to register her presence when
he felt as much as heard someone alight behind him. Before he
had a chance to react, an almost feline voice purred in his
ear.
"Yes, Future Nephew, why not take my Niece on a date?"
"Gaah!" Kobuta jumped backwards a good five meters.
Panting, he faced the gorgeous thirty-something Chinese woman.
"Geez, Old Woman, you shouldn't _do_ that to a guy!"
"Who're you calling old?!" Ti-Pi's Aunt responded with a
whack upside the boy's head with a bonbori. "I'll have you
know I'm the youngest Matriarch in 3000 years of Amazon
history! Now smarten up and take Ti-Pi out! She even made you
some of her "special" ramen... nudge, nudge, wink wink..."
"Aiyahh! Is true, Airen!" Ti-Pi landed in front of him
with a cute little curtsey. "Come with Ti-Pi, she show you
Amazon Noodle Trick!"
"I, er..." Kobuta hawed. "Er, thanks but no thanks, Ti-
Pi, I..." He twiddled his fingers nervously. "It really
wouldn't be right and all, me bein' engaged..."
"Now now, Future Nephew, it seems to me that Miss Tendo
isn't all that interested..." Ti-Pi's Aunt said with a grin.
"Huh?" Kobuta said, looking startled.
Across the quad, Sachiko joined two of her friends and
made her way indoors, completely ignoring the trials and
tribulations of the Hibiki boy behind her. Her friend Chugoku,
the bespectacled Mistress of Hidden-Weapons-Style Okonomiyaki
Martial arts, adjusted her glasses and looked back.
"Wow, look at him go! You really lucked out, sugar!
Kobuta is one heck of a good martial artist... Kinda cute,
too, in an 'I just-fell-off-the-turnip-truck' sort of way."
"I honestly couldn't care less, Chugoku." Sachiko said
scornfully as she flipped her long black pigtail over her
shoulder. "If you like him so much, why don't YOU marry the
oaf?"
"Tsk." The third girl tsked, breaking her attention away
from her appraisal of Hibiki's martial skill. Unless she
stepped up her training regimen, she'd never manage to beat
him. "Kuonjii appears to be enamoured of that most delicious
stud-muffin Keiichi Tofu in class E-3."
"Kin! I am not!" Chugoku cried, blushing.
"Verily? Then why do thine glasses always fog up whenever
you see him? And why dost thou behave like one of the mentally
impaired whenever you attempt to parlay with the majorly-hot
Tofu-san?"
"I'm just shy, that's all..."
Kin laughed uproariously. Sachiko turned to the taller
girl, a sly smile on her face.
"Well, we all know who my dear, sweet cousin Kin's got
the hots for, don't we?"
"Do not presume to 'go there', Tendo, I swear I shall
make thy life a living hell, family or no!"
"Oooh! Who is it? Who is it?"
"I am in earnest, Tendo." Kin levelled a icy glare on her
cousin. "Tell her, and I shall triple the interest rate on
your loan!"
"Oh, alright..." Sachiko said in a long suffering tone.
"But lay off, okay? I just wanna go to class, and not even
THINK about a certain baka martial artist jock..."
"Fine, fine..."
"So uh, guys?" Chugoku interjected. "D'you know what the
quiz today in Home Ec's gonna be? I forgot to study..."
Kin leaned over and smirked. "The mystery ingredient in
today's cuisine battle will be..."
"Yeah? Yeah?"
"500 yen, up-front."
"Aargh! Here! Now spill it, Kuno!"
"Very well, my ill-prepared compatriot. Today's mystery
ingredient is..." She paused dramatically for effect, "Pork!"
Sachiko smiled fiercely. "Did I ever tell you guys how
much I LOVE Home Ec?"
**************************
In the living room of the Tendo house, two men rapidly
approaching middle age sat across from each other, a game of
Mah-Jongg underway between them. The burlier of the two, a
scruffy-looking man sporting a pot-belly and a yellow and
black bandanna over his balding pate, leaned forward eagerly.
He was one tile away from a Pong!
"Say, Ranma... Isn't that one of the giant pink bats of
Madagascar over there?"
"Where?" He glanced around. "I don't see anything, Ryoga,
I... Hunh?" The other man, slimmer and with a full head of
slowly-greying hair pulled back into a pigtail looked down at
his point counters. He could have sworn... He stroked his chin
contemplatively. "Didn't I have fewer tiles than this?"
"Never mind that now. Look! Pong for me!"
"Aww. Do over! C'mon, Ryoga, do over!"
"Not a chance, Ranma, not a chance. And that makes a full
Mah-Jongg, so... Another game to me!"
"Grr. You wanna take this out to the dojo, pig-boy?"
"Tsk. Sticks and stones, Ranma... But, if you insist-"
Ryoga casually reached over and grabbed him by his shirtfront.
Using his still-titanic strength, he casually tossed Ranma
over his shoulder and through the screens separating the
sitting room from the back yard.
Ranma rolled with the impact and came up in a fighting
crouch, grinning fiercely. Ryoga bounded through the hole left
by Ranma's passage, landing in front of his host, a fanged
grin creasing his features.
"Just like old times, eh Ryoga?" Ranma smirked.
"Just like 'em," Ryoga grunted, before lunging in for the
attack.
**********************************
The two sat in the shambles of the rock garden, panting
and laughing. Ryoga glanced around. "Whoa. We really made a
mess of the garden..."
"Whoops!" Ranma laughed, getting to his feet. "Better get
out the rakes and fix this, otherwise Sachiko'll kill us..."
Soon the two were hard at work repairing the damage they
caused.
"So, whaddya think?" Ranma said between passes of the
bamboo rake. "D'you think our ungrateful children are _ever_
gonna get married?"
"Of course they will. The Anything-Goes school, the
Hibiki School of One Righteous Fist and the Unryu School of
Sumo will be united, just like we planned. They'll come around
eventually. After all, you and Akane did..."
"Yeah, you're right. I just wish... Akane could see our
baby girls now... All grown up..." Without warning, he broke
into convulsive sobs, sending streamers of tears across the
room, drenching his friend.
"Grunt!" Said the large black pig, his vast girth
quivering. He held up a wooden sign in his front trotter,
reading:
"Yeesh, Ranma, _warn_ me the next time you're gonna do
that, willya?..."
"Oh, Ryoga... Everything was going SO smoothly in the
beginning, wasn't it?"
***************************
Ranma Tendo sat zazen on the back porch, looking out
across the immaculately groomed garden. Tears streamed down
his face while a joyous smile spread across his features. He
glanced back down at the postcard, which bore a large pink pig
in sumo regalia on the front. It read:
"Bringing Kobuta from Okayama. Ryoga."
The missive was dated for a month ago, so they should be
showing up any time now..."It's about time!!" Ranma stood up,
clenching the postcard in one callused fist, and set out to
gather up his daughters.
He peered into the dojo, where his eldest daughter was
practicing. She was a blur of motion, her blue eyes flashing,
short-cropped black hair flying as she whirled through her
routines. Fists and feet flew, displaying her father's amazing
speed and her late mother's awesome strength. Her resemblance
to her mother brought a tear to her father's eye.
Clearing his throat, he called out to her. "Ranko!"
She paused in the midst of her kata, poised in the
completion of a movement that combined sheer beauty of form
with deadliest of intent. She looked over her shoulder towards
the house. Tsk. Father knew better than to disturb her while
she was practicing! She had a tournament tomorrow, and this
was going to be the year she took the all-Japan title!
"What is it, Pop? I'm a little busy right now, y'know,
practicin'?"
"Come into the house, sweetie. Family meeting time."
"This better not be about no fiance crap. Auntie Nabiki
warned me about "family meetings"...
"Um, er... Of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Okay, fine, sorry Pop. Just keepin' my guard up like you
taught me..."
"Mmhmm." Ranma nodded, going into proud father mode.
"Daughter, you make your Father proud." he said with a smile.
"Go get your little sister, and meet me back here after you've
showered."
Reluctantly, Ranko nodded, before setting out for the
house. Ranma watched her go, pride swelling his heart. Ranko
was the best martial artist he could make her, easily ten
times better than her mother had been at her age. Not as good
as HE'd been, of course, he chuckled to himself. But then
again, who was? Yes, Ranko was truly a worthy student of the
Anything Goes School. His OTHER daughter, however...
Sachiko hummed happily to herself as she chopped the
cabbage for tonight's dinner. It was such a joy to cook for
her loved ones. With Auntie Kasumi and Grandmother Saotome's
help, she'd become as good a cook, as good a _woman_, as her
mother was. Daddy even said that her cooking was better than
Mother's, but surely he was simply exaggerating...
A sarcastic snort caused her to pause in her labours. she
turned, to see her big sister leaning in the doorway.
"No _wonder_ Daddy thinks you're such a disappointment,
Sachiko..."
"Tsk." Sachiko glared at her annoying big sister. "Not
everyone thinks the world revolves around _martial arts_,
Ranko!"
"It does in this house, Sacchi. How're you ever gonna
represent the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts if you're
such a girly-girl?"
"Hmmph. Devoting your life to being the best there is at
beating people up isn't exactly my idea of a good livelihood,
Ranko. This _is_ the twenty-first century, you know. Martial
arts are for thugs and barbarians." The younger girl paused,
taking a deep breath. "Did you just come here to insult me, or
did you want something?"
"Yeah, Pop is callin' a family meetin' at the dojo, so
take off that stoopid apron an' getcher butt out there..."
"Honestly! Do you and Daddy want to eat or not? SOMEbody
has to look after these things..."
"Yeah, yeah, nobody appreciates you, yadda yadda..."
**********************
Some distance away, at the Nerima train station...
"Japan Rail 23 from Okayama now arriving on track four!"
The train pulled up and opened its doors, disgorging a
herd of salarymen and office ladies who began to scurry
towards the turnstiles, heedless of the driving rain. They
were, however, quite mindful of the squealing, snorting
presence of two large pigs, one domestic and black, the other
a bristly, tusked wild boar. Both were gigantic, easily five
feet tall at the shoulders, with red lacquered umbrellas
clenched in their mouths and matching black and yellow
kerchiefs tied around their necks. For all their imposing
size, the beasts seemed remarkably placid, one would almost
say domesticated. Grunting between themselves, they trotted
off the platform and into the city streets, the boar seeming
to lead the other.
*******************
Twenty minutes later, the Tendos were gathered in the
Dojo, underneath the "Iroha" sign. Ranma knelt in front of his
daughters, his face impassive. The two teenaged girls fidgeted
nervously, for different reasons.
Ranko's danger sense was working overtime, virtually
screaming at her to flee the area, as impending doom was
approaching. Sachiko was merely worried the rice would scorch.
Ranma sighed, gathering himself. He focused his energies
on projecting an air of fatherly authority. When he
straightened, his eyes were firm and hard.
"Ranko, Sachiko, I have wonderful news. A very old and
dear friend of the family is coming to visit with his son..."
Ranko stood up, eyes blazing. "I KNEW it! Stupid old man,
I should'a known! I ain't gettin' married to nobody! You'd
NEVER pull somethin' like this if Mom was still around! You-"
"That's enough, Ranko!" Sachiko barked, grabbing her
older sister's arm firmly. "No one said anything about getting
married!"
"Er, actually..." Ranma said, sotto voce.
"Wha-at?!" Both daughters yelled, incredulous.
"It's, er... not an arranged marriage, if that's what
you're thinking..."
"IT HAD BETTER NOT BE!!!" Ranko yelled.
"So what is it then, Daddy?" Sachiko asked, her voice
hard.
"It's er, well, I would like it very much if one of you
would _consider_ marrying this boy. He _is_ the son of a very
good friend of your dear, departed mother and I, and heir to
two very old schools of the Art... Now, don't look at me that
way, I said _consider_!"
"No way!" Sachiko cried. "I'm not marrying any idiot
martial artist! Bad enough I have to put up with you two!"
"Sachiko!" Ranma cried. "You break your father's heart!"
"Heir to two schools, huh?" Ranko murmured, interested
despite herself. "Is he any good?"
"Actually..." Ranma answered, "I have no idea. I'd hope
so, considering the fact his father is the only man who ever
came close to beating me..."
"That's not what Uncle Tatewaki says," Ranko quipped.
"According to him, he whupped your butt all the time!"
"Your Uncle Tatewaki is a moron." Ranma said hotly. "He
couldn't touch me if I had my arms and legs tied behind my
back, with my whole body sunken two feet into concrete and a
bullseye painted on my chest. And I've got pictures to prove
it. No, Ryoga is the only one who ever even came close..." His
eyes grew misty. "When I think back on those days, I... Well,
never mind. But please, both of you, give the boy a chance,
will you?" He glanced up at his two darling daughters, only to
realize that he no longer had their attention. Instead, the
girls were focused on the doors of the dojo.
"D-daddy?" Sachiko whispered. "There's a wild boar in the
garden..."
"Yeah, Pop, an' it's got a friend..."
Ranma nodded. "Little black pig wearing a bandanna?"
"Nuh-uh... BIG black pig wearing a bandanna..."
The three Tendos piled out the door.
TO BE CONTINUED...
*************************
Well, there we go. I must acknowledge my inspirations for
this story. The Realities Squared series by Jim Bader,
Converging Series by various talented authors, Desire, a
shortfic by Dreiser in her Life After Ranma series, my
frequent collaborator and goad Rick Hall, and my Nihongo-no-
sensei Marsha Higgins, who is partly to blame for the
atrocious punnish names of many of the offspring. Be assured
that she meant no harm, and any mistakes are my own and not
hers. Oh yeah, and my lovely wife, for putting up with my
insane cackling as I thought up potential pairings of
characters.
As to the specific ancestry on certain characters, I'm
awarding a big fat invisible water-buffalo chip to whoever can
guess who Lina's mother is, or who Ti-Pi's parents are. Note
that all three are real Ranmaverse characters, from the manga
or the anime. Or, if you're really interested, you can always
just ask me nice. ^_^
Just mail me at deibu_kun@sympatico.ca for all the answers.
There is one question, however, that I will answer below.
It should be obvious if you think about it, but here's the
answer anyway.
Why is P-chan so damn big now? Two reasons. One, he's
aged some, and is no longer a piglet. Two, Akari's been
feeding him a good Sumo Pig diet. It's all (well, mostly)
muscle, baby!
For more tasty fanfiction, visit http://spghome.tripod.com/
The SpacePirates Guild. The yummiest in anime fanfiction!