Title: Fangs Ruin Any Pout
Author: Rot-chan
Pairing: SasuIno (hints SasuSaku)
Summary: Ino frowned, licked her blood stained fingers. "But this one tasted like, like. . . freezer steaks. I want another - a young boy." The bloody wrist thumped to the ground. Sasuke sighed. "Really, must we start? When we get back, our coffins are going to be freezing." -- SasuIno; hints of SasuSaku; parody vampire!fic.
A/N: I got the title from the song "Transylvanian Concubine" by Rasputina. I was inspired again by Buffy the Vampire Slayer to write a vampire!fic, but this one-shot a parody of vampire fiction. I can't imagine Ino and Sasuke, as mortals or immortals, ever getting along. :) Review! Tell me how you liked my first vampiric parody. Merci.
When Sasuke entered the lair, he saw a new pink fuzzy lamp on the dresser, and a poster of a pony, and stickers all over the wall.
A blond head popped up from behind the sleigh bed. A candelabra flickered in the corner, and the food processor was filled with something red . . . and chunky. "Sasuke - what took you so long? I missed you!"
The vampire felt his blood boil – if that was even possible. "Ino. We saw each other an hour ago."
Ino frowned, taking one of Sasuke's ancient – antique – blood vials off the wall, sipping it. She grimaced at its flavor and dropped it on the floor with a gag. The glass shattered all over, the AB positive staining the expensive plush carpeting.
"What is in that stuff? How OLD is it anyway? When was the expiration date? Am I going to get sick now? Sasuke? Answer me!"
He scowled.
- - -
Once upon a time – two and a half weeks ago – a man . . . a vampire named Uchiha Sasuke was bored and looking for a hussie - a hussie's neck. And he was partial to girls with dyed hair, or blonde hair, so it was natural that this annoying little twit would fancy him.
But in actuality, his ex-vampiress – the Ho-bag (according to Ino) – Sakura ditched him for a werewolf when they went to a nightclub called Sound, as she had decided that he was too . . . too . . . .
"You're so INSENSITIVE," Ino scowled, throwing her stuffed teddy Baby Bear at him and shoving the knife into his figurative wound.
Sasuke grit his teeth. Yes, that was it – insensitive. Sakura had called him insensitive. Rude. Cheap. She was mostly right about those other things, Sasuke had to admit, but - how dare she call him cheap! He had even gotten her a pony (to eat)!
Sasuked twisted the head of off Baby Bear in rage. His vampire instincts – he couldn't control them all the time. But in his defense, he hadn't fed in two days. And he was only 100 – he had . . . urges.
Bearing her fangs, Ino jumped across the bed and grabbed the remnants of Baby Bear.
"You are such a jerk." Ino pouted, petting Baby Bear's decapitated body and licking her canines, drops of venom pooling at their tips. She remembered Sasuke got it for her when they went to a carnival. He had even killed the boy behind the counter when he wouldn't let her have the unicorn instead. She loved this bear.
Tearing up, because she was still sentimental like that even as one of the walking dead, Ino said, "You got this for me, Sas-cakes. I can't believe-"
Sasuke let out a deep breath and put his cold arm around her shoulders, leading her towards the bed with their ridiculously expensive egyptian cotton bed sheets. Why they even needed a bed in the lair was beyond him – they had their coffins, for God's sake! And that fabric softener was giving him a rash.
"Come on, now. It' s been two days since I had a taste..." Sasuke trailed off as he leaned down towards the blonde's neck, suddenly enticed by that other predatory part of him lurking beneath the surface that begged for blood . . . which was incredibly horny.
Ino giggled as she felt the brunette's fangs graze her neck, teasing her. "Q-quit it Sas-cakes!"
God.
There it was, again.
That stupid, degrading nickname that she knew infuriated him -
Sasuke gripped her shoulder and pierced her neck without warning, causing the blonde to shriek - and knee him.
Keeling over in pain, Sasuke fell onto the mattress, hissing. For good measure, he dragged his pointed nails across the sheets and destroyed the bedding, bearing his fangs and daring her to fight him (which he secretly wanted, because violent vampiric sex was what he favored).
But Ino frowned. "I happened to like those sheets, Sasuke." She harrumphed off to the bathroom to examine how deep the fang marks were in her neck. She slammed the door shut and proceeded to use the shower, run up their hot water bill, and take an hour to apply a face mask that she didn't even need. Immortal, remember? At least one perk was the lack of pimples.
- - -
Ino and Sasuke avoided each other after that little incidient. And it was only nine in the evening too. Sasuke was such a killjoy. He acted so old. Her last boyfriend was 500 and he always drove her around town in his mercdes! But Sasuke hardly took her anywhere.
Ino didn't say anything to him when he passed by her in the kitchen, but she secretly hoped that he would, just so she could start bickering with him again. Sasuke didn't say anything, because he really wanted to use the bathroom and see if he was starting to get . . . blue veins. Whenever he was hungry those stupid veins would pop up around his perfect skin. How obnoxious.
But no – it wasn't nearly as annoying as her.
What a mistake Sasuke had made! And how?! Just half a century ago he was so evil and cunning, didn't mind snapping the heads of rats or of children – and how had he picked this little floosie to replace . . . .
"Sakura," Sasuke sighed to himself, as he was suddenly caught in one of his brooding moments of reminiscing her biting and caustic attitude, the way she dared to smack him around, how she loved to go to the make-out point in town and scare kids kissing in their cars (and then kill them, of course).
"And now she's off with some hairy beast," Sasuke hissed miserably, poking at a blue vein popping up from his shoulder. "Kissing and 'cuddling' - because Sakura always wanted to "cuddle" with him after they tortured someone and shared the blood oh so erotically - "and doing God knows what with a man whose half fucking dog three days out of the month."
In frustration, he slammed the bathroom medicine cabinet so hard the it flew off its hinges, smacked against the tile wall, and shattered into a million pieces.
"Sasuke - did you break the mirror again?" Ino called in a dull voice from the next room.
- - -
An hour later, Sasuke was starving...but too lazy to hunt. Or rather, maybe he was in a piss mood – stupid emotions wouldn't go away even after he gave up his mortality. . . .
He was channel surfing miserably when he felt too cold skinny arms around his neck.
"Sas-cakes..."
God. Annoying.
"What."
"I'm sorry, Bubby." She bit her bottom lip with her canine tooth hard enough to draw blood, letting it trickle down her chin and spatter onto the front of his chest.
Oh, bloody hell.
- - -
As Sasuke watched Ino lick the tips of her fingers, now stained tacky crimson, he felt both fascinated. . . and disgusted. "Foul," he muttered miserably under his breath as he wiped his chin – civilly – with the edge of the prostitue's dress.
Ino frowned. "Sasuke, this one tasted like, like . . . freezer steaks. I want another. A young boy this time." The bloody wrist of the homeless man thumped to the ground.
The two sat under an overpass at the edge of town. And though Sasuke hated to admit it, he felt like undead trash. "Really, must we start? When we get back, our coffins are going to be freezing." And it was true – they never kept the heat on, since she always whined that she liked the thermostat on 30.
And Sasuke was wishing he hadn't found a hooker on the street looking for some easy money to feed on. She left a bad taste in his mouth. And all he could remember was that ugly pink hair haunting his memories.
"But, Sasuke -"
"Now, you shut the hell up and be good, and we'll go back to the lair, and. . . ." Sasuke trailed off suggestively, as whenever he thought of Sakura, he always felt a little bothered.
Ino giggled dumbly. He wanted to tear off her head right then and there. "You mean we'll. . . ."
Sasuke grinned, bloody fangs shining in the dull light of the moon hanging behind dark clouds. "Oh, yes."
And would he imagine her 'ho-bag' face and green vixen eyes during? Maybe, quite possibly – yes.
- - -
Ino was left very satisfied when she convinced Sasuke to fool around in their sleigh bed, as she was secretly afraid of having sex in their neon pink coffin (yes, she had picked it out).
Sasuke was left very unsatisfied when he bit into her wrist and found that she had been eating natto earlier that evening, mixed with pig's blood. Which explained the mess in the food processor.
And the next morning, he woke up with that same rash from those same sheets, and 'SASCAKES LOVES INO' tattooed onto his cheek in lip liner.
"Ino." He only said her name when he wanted to impale her, tear her into tiny pieces, burn her, and -
"Yes, Bubby?"
"Why did you write this on my face?"
"Because, I can tell you're thinking of that Ho-bag. So cut it out."
"Well-"
At least she wasn't all that dumb.
- - -
[End]