First post on FF in a while~ hehe.
I own a pair of earbuds that have had only one squishy ear bit for the better part of a year. I do not Fire Emblem.
The first time their eyes meet, it is not the one the steps in which Niles is begging for death. It's a few years before that rather, and one of them is not even present.
That day, June 30th, a large banner was paraded throughout the streets of (upper) Windmire, and Niles meets eyes with the emblazoned image of the prince that flaps along in the meager breeze created by the passing knights holding it. It is summer and it is hot, yet Niles is standing on the corner of Twin and Gade on the streets of upper Windmire, where rich nobles are the only people to stroll through; however, that's what Niles is waiting for, some rich, lonely noble looking to take a boy home for a few hours, when his single blue eye meets the red ones of the prince's image.
The parade is slow, but even then, the knights are smart enough not to move so slow that they might be seen as prey to the bandits brave enough to run the streets of upper Windmire as well as the lower, so the moment is fleeting, and Niles is turning his head to watch them go.
He finds himself thinking about the prince; Niles, at his experienced age of fourteen, would think that he has pegged all nobles for the same. He's certainly seen enough of it to know. Yet he wonders if the prince is spoiled rotten, rude, uppity; he wonders if he'll marry a rich, petty wife and quietly have his servants pick up boys on the street for him on the side; he wonders if he's ever looked out the window and seen all the poverty and suffering, not just in Nohr, but in his own backyard.
But then Niles stops wondering when a man walks up to him and asks, how much?
The next time their eyes meet, it's the first time they've met in-person. The moon is full, Niles is on his knees, like he's been most of his sixteen years of life, and he's being stared down by the prince he saw on the banner all those years ago- Prince Leo of Nohr.
Only Leo has grown since then- and though Niles had initially forgotten that day, he can remember the sterling prince on the golden banner and the anger he had towards him- and he looks to be about thirteen now, barely tall enough to see over the outlaw's head while he's kneeling down, still dressed in his black sleep clothes. He stands brandishing a glowing book- that damned tome Brynhildr they had in their minds they could steal because the prince was but a spoiled child who could not even wipe his arse himself let alone handle a divine tome- and it looks like the prince is, in fact, very good at handling that book.
It's time, Niles is sure; his knees ache from the cold of that late autumn night, the gash in his arm he sustained from a guard will surely only fester and kill him later, his so-called family of cutthroats, thieves, and whores leaving him for dead. It's time.
Niles is tired, he realizes as the tiny prince comes closer, he is so tired. He is ready to die. He is tired and ready to die, and is sure as hell that whatever's next for him, anything would be better than stealing and whoring for an existence no one appreciated or even cared about.
Kill me, please, he croaks.
The tiny prince stops. He's right in front Niles now, and the moonlight illuminates his face, showing a beautiful young boy with fine golden hair, porcelain skin, eyes the color of raw amber, and the sick yellow of healing bruises.
What did you say? The child asks.
Niles won't let the pretty face- or the bruises- fool him. If he wants Niles to beg to die, then beg Niles shall. He leans forward, baring the nape of his neck to be gouged at the leisure of the tiny prince, and Niles begs for death.
Kill me, please. Kill me. Kill me and get this over with.
The prince is quiet. Niles can't see his face anymore, and he wonders if he is smiling. All nobles are the same, they're all the same. Greedy, lustful, prideful, narcissistic, sadistic the lot of them.
Niles thinks he knows all nobles are the same.
He thinks that up until the prince is ordering the guards to stand down, and then Prince Leo is kneeling in the dirt beside Niles, asking him to raise his head. Niles does not, prompting Leo to pull up his chin with his own hands, filthying them the moment they touch Niles' unwashed skin; Leo's hands are rough, calloused, bruised so much like Niles' own. He forces their eyes to meet again, and for the third time in his short life, Niles is made to match gazes with the second prince of Nohr.
Why do you want to die? Why don't you beg for life rather than death?
And Niles laughs at that. There's no use begging for a life that is not there.
Prince Leo regards the street urchin for a long moment before he stands back up. The moment of certainty that Niles thinks his death is near is quashed when the prince follows his own ascension with the command for Niles to rise.
You're going to work for me. The tiny prince declares. If there is truly no life there, then it cannot object to me.
Niles is stupefied, gone completely numb, as the guards that were intent on executing him moments ago are helping him to his feet when Niles doesn't rise himself. He faces the prince on quivering horse-like legs, and though it's now abundantly obvious that the prince is much shorter than he, Niles feels like he's standing at the foot of a sentinel, threatening to crumble to its feet again with the unsteadiness of his own legs.
Prince Leo turns and begins walking the other way, leaving Niles has no choice but to follow.
The first time Leo dared to make his own decision led him to allow a man- barely nota child- that would have happily robbed and murdered him hours ago to sitting in his quarters with him, eating tea sandwiches while the guards roust his father to tell him of what transpired.
Leo is equal parts pleased with himself and utterly horrified he allowed himself to even consider this a good idea. The would-be bandit sits across from him, obviously trying not to shovel down the tiny sandwiches, and fails. In between bites he is looking around in a nervous manner akin to a cornered animal, caught between jumping for the nearest exit and swiping at guards who keep an eye on him.
Leo had asked his name on the walk back to his quarters. Zero, the man said.
What is your real name?
Zero is who I am.
That is not your name.
Then what is my name?
What was your given name?
After a moment's hesitation, the man brushed his stark white hair aside, baring the threadbare eyepatch Leo had only briefly saw on the stairs.
My name was Niles.
Niles hadn't look at Leo since then. Not that Leo could really blame him, and though Leo was no one to point out another's surplus of protruding bones, Niles was tall and thin and clearly starving. So he lets him eat in peace, and Leo's thoughts turned inward.
His father would not be pleased. Leo again wasn't quite sure what had possessed him to spare the outlaw, and if the bruises smattering his wrist weren't any indicator, this might not have been the best idea. Still, there was something undeniable drawing Leo to Niles, and Leo wasn't one to put stock in foolish notions such as fate, but something had drawn them together.
Perhaps, Leo thought as he watched Niles polish off the last sandwich and lick every crumb from his long lockpicker's fingers, father will actually appreciate me deciding something for myself for a change. As a prince, Leo had strict acumen to keep, everything from what he learnt to what he ate predetermined, and some days it even felt like being chosen as Brynhildr's wielder was some ploy to make him more valuable to the court.
But this single decision Leo had made to welcome this strange man into his life, this would-be murderer, was all his own. As Niles tried to casually look around for more food to scrounge, Leo called for another set of tea sandwiches to be brought, and a fresh pot of coffee. For better or for worse, it would be a long night.
In the end, King Garon had no opinion on the matter. He kept his silence while Leo rehashed the events of the evening, and spoke only to dismiss them for waking him for, such a trite misuse of my time. Leo received warnings- orders- to keep his dog in line, and that was that.
The first day of Niles' duty as Leo's retainer was starkly normal compared to that of their meeting. A small ceremony, officially naming him Leo's retainer- Leo's first and only retainer, Niles learned-, the fitting for his uniform, the arrangement for his quarters, all painfully mundane things.
Still, staring in that mirror in his very own room, Niles watched himself twist and turn in his new uniform, layers of dark fabric and leather, boots knee-high and the finest thing to ever touch his body. Even his eyepatch, previously simple scraps of fabric threaded together to cover the gaping maw that was previously his right eye, was remade with rich leather and a string that properly fit his head, a curious skull and crossbones motif on the front. But Niles rather liked it; it made him feel as dangerous as he thought he was before his ego was crushed beneath the feet of a thirteen-year-old.
Fits you well. Only a week at the castle and you're actually starting to fill out the uniform. Prince Leo addresses him from the doorway of his quarters.
Niles nods. A week may have passed, but everything is so surreal, and Niles has never been good with words. Nothing makes sense to him, three meals a day, a roof over his head, Leo's strange kindness; and all it cost was Niles' loyalty, something he had never gave to any one person before. That feeling alone was as surreal as the palace he now called home.
Leo looks him over a moment longer, scrutinizing the maids' handiwork when he states, You need a cloak. Something to shield you from prying eyes and keep you warm when it's cold. Leo approached without apprehension, standing close enough to look up at Niles without touching him. What color would you like it to be?
Niles looked back. Blue… I mean, blue if it pleases you, my lord.
Leo's face quirks up in a smirk at the misstep. To Niles' own amusement, he actually smirked back at his lord.
It was the first time either of them had seen the other smile.
The first and only time Leo ever questioned Niles' loyalty was some months later, just shy of ten months since Niles had been sworn in as his retainer, and Niles started the conversation by saying how easily it would be to kill Leo, right in this very moment.
They were in the library late one stormy autumn night, just having finished a writing and reading lesson with Niles- as a child of the streets, Niles had no formal education to speak of, and despite being able to say a variety of horrible and lewd things in seven different languages, Leo insisted he had to be literate to preforms his job properly- when the former thief said it casually as he slipped one of the books they had used back on the shelf.
Leo's heart dropped into his stomach as he steeled his will to not let his panic show. Is that so?
Niles didn't meet his gaze as he busied himself with the bookshelves. It would, I could stick a knife in you now, or poison your tea, and be gone before anyone knew better.
Leo's panic was swallowed thickly to join his heart in his stomach. Had he made a horrible miscalculation, allowing a former thief to serve him, someone who he barely knew despite the gut feelings he had? Would this man really kill him in this instant, even after spending nearly a year together, a year in which they both had slowly warmed to each other, lessons, sparring, everything?
But Leo also saw the way Niles would occasionally look at him, distrust, disdain, dark and filthy with only that single eye Leo tried to ignore the way made it made others nervous in his presence. The court alone had been in an uproar when Niles' history had been revealed, the haughty looks and dark stares that accompanied their demeaning words were more than enough to keep Niles on edge in his own home. Leo honestly thought that the court could go to hell, but what if it was contributing to Niles' behavior?
Where would you go? What would you do if you killed me and left?
Niles was quiet and Leo held his breath. A knife was hidden in his cloak a few feet away; he could reach it before-
Niles let out a rickety sigh. It was just a jest, my lord. I would never do that to you. I have nowhere to go and no one to need me, other than you. He turned around to look his lord dead in the face. I'm sorry if I scared you. I didn't mean it.
Leo breathed out his held breath as inconspicuously as he could. He really shouldn't believe this man, threatening murder in one breath and promising loyalty with another. But Leo believes, he believes, and he would be heartbroken elsewise.
Flicking a bit of hair back, Leo crosses his legs and says in his calmest voice, You didn't scare me, I was merely wary... How else is one supposed to react to a death threat? He paused a moment longer before turning away to finish flipping through a book, the illusion of calm held despite the racing of his heart in his chest. The moon is a sliver of a smile in the sky and it seems to laugh at Leo in his distress.
Leo loves Camilla and it leaves nothing to the imagination. He follows her like a puppy when she walks the halls, hangs onto every word when she speaks, holds her close in embraces and yearns to be in her arms when she hugs their sibling, Corrin, the child locked away in the Northern Fortress miles from the capital but still a trip Camilla makes regularly.
The first time Leo visits them, it's because he wants to tag along with Camilla, and the only way he seems to be able to do that anymore is to follow her there. Camilla lands her wyvern on one of the pillars making up the roof of the fortress, and the instant it does, the arms and legs of a wild white-haired child are flung around her and they sing her name. Camilla in turn, holds them close, sings Corrin back and Leo feels sick.
Leo loves Camilla and he knows it isn't right, but it's always at the back of his mind and he can't help but think about it when he sees them so wrapped up in each other. So much so when he and Corrin are sparring, and Corrin mentions how much they love their big sister, Leo responds he loves her more, he's loved her longer.
When he gets back to the castle, Niles is waiting for him, and though he's irritable and his stomach is in knots, his retainer is there to welcome him home, and it makes things marginally better- to know that there was someone who was worried about him and wanted him home.
The first time they stargaze together, it is near midnight, and Leo has just come home from spending the day with Camilla, which actually means that Leo has just spent the day with Corrin (as it seems that the two rarely come in separate cases anymore.)
Niles has taken up a seat on the edge of the balcony connected to a parlor in one of the higher spires of Castle Krakenberg, enjoying the last of his 'day off' (his lord never allowed him to accompany him to the fortress that Corrin resided in, leaving him with very little to do those days) with some stargazing. The moon was half-full this particular evening.
It was the one thing that hasn't changed from his old life, the moon and stars were still there, a million miles away but still so radiant in their ethereal white glow. On the particularly hard days on the streets, a younger Niles would spend hours staring holes in the sky until he was sure some of the stars were actually just gaps in the heavens he had willed into existence.
It always made him feel less lonely to imagine every star up there was watching back, in a way that they were all watching each other, promising things would be okay once day broke; the night is always darkest before the dawn, and all that.
A noise startles Niles from behind, and though he does almost fall from the second highest point in the castle, he catches his balance and already has an arrow nocked when his lord Leo stumbles through the door. Leo is unenthused to be met face-to-arrow with his retainer, and Niles is stowing the arrow immediately.
He asks what his lord is doing up here; Leo replies that a variety of people had made notice of a mysterious shadow man who spent his evening up on the balcony of the third spire. Niles chuckles, apologizing for the confusion, but Leo just shrugs like he knew all along. He doesn't answer the question, Niles notes.
They stand in silence for a moment before Niles offers to take the prince back to his room for the evening, but Leo brushes it off and joins his retainer on the balcony. Niles is hesitant to resituate himself back on the railing- just in case Leo scolds him for it- but Leo leans right up against it and looks out into the abyss of stars.
Niles asks how Leo's day was, and by the way he ducks his head and looks down, Niles can guess that it wasn't what Leo wished it was. Hesitant to comfort his lord, Niles starts with a gentle rub on his slim shoulder. Leo doesn't move away but does raise his gaze back to the sky.
So this is what you do out here? Look at the stars? His voice is so quiet, it's as if the sound has been swallowed up by the night.
I do. I apologize if it's caused you any inconvenience.
Leo hums back. I just never took it for the kind of thing you'd be into.
Niles chuckles. I like that I can still surprise you, Milord.
They fall into a comfortable silence for seems like hours longer, watching the stars early into the morning; Niles points out the constellation leo. Leo hums in appreciation, and to Niles, it was one of those hopeful nights in which the stars watched back.
It's been nearly two years since they met when Leo first thinks he has a crush on his retainer. He still loves Camilla, that won't change, but Niles is something different.
Leo is fourteen, almost fifteen, and Niles is eighteen, and Leo watches him. He watches Niles as he still struggles to write in straight lines, but grows by leaps in bounds with his skill with the bow; he watches how Niles interacts with the others in the castle, how he inspires fear, disgust, discomfort, anger, lust, in any combination to those he meets; he watches how Niles watches him back when their eyes meet.
In fact, Leo watches too much.
Others saw, and they gossiped, and then they in turn gossiped more, and when word eventually reached his father, a still tiny prince Leo (made to feel even smaller at the feet of his father) was dragged into his father's study, and promptly beaten. Garon was livid; it was shameful, disgusting, humiliating. Leo was quiet as the words stung and the bruises formed.
Leo was quiet all way through the lecture, returning to his chambers where Niles laid his hands on Leo's skin to dress his wound, and Leo's skin sings where it connects with Niles's even when he refuses to look him in the eye. This strange new feeling in his chest is different than what he knows he feels for Camilla, but it cuts him to ribbons with the pain of knowing it's just as wrong all the same.
It's been nearly two years since they met when Niles first thinks he has feeling beyond those professional for his lord.
Leo watches him- it's so incredibly obvious, no matter how mature he is, Leo is still a child and he can't hide that- but Niles listens to him. The prince says a lot of things when he's surrounded by teachers and advisors and members of court, but it is curt and shallow and Niles has no pity for those on the receiving end; the prince says less in private, but it is the honest words of a child made to play an adult's game before he was ready- something Niles knows all too well about.
Leo talks about his mother- a concubine, not a queen-, he talks about his siblings- especially the sister named Camilla-, and he talks about himself, how he doesn't feel enough, enough of anything to compare to his siblings: Xander the great warrior, Camilla the fierce and lovely, or Corrin the beloved. Niles listens, interjecting bits and pieces here and there but mostly remaining silent to allow the prince to vent.
There's also the fact nearly impossible to avoid that the prince is growing up into a handsome man, finally growing taller, lean and lithe, eyes full of wisdom and head filled with ideas. He looked every bit the man Niles would wish to walk up on him when he used to stand on that street corner, but better because he was all there for the taking if only Niles asked. But Niles knows better and does not ask, though it does not stop him from wishing it wasn't so.
However, the prince learns his lesson from watching too much, and Niles learns his lesson for listening too much; the two are entrapped by silence as Niles dresses the prince's wounds and finally has the answer to where the bruises come from.
It is a silence that they do not crawl out of for many years.
Leo always thought Niles had a way with words- words that had expanded his vocabulary to one to rival Leo's in all the years he had tutored him, words he loved to use to cow any who looked at Leo wrong or shock the members of court into stupefied silence- but he is astonished when he meets Odin Dark for the first time.
Their lives are not quiet anymore when the flamboyant mage enters it; they have not talked in years, four years, at least not the honest, heart-pouring-out ones they had previously. Still, Odin talks enough for all three of them, and Leo finds he does not miss the silence.
The first time the prince and his retainer meet Odin Dark, Keeper of Darkness, Vessel of Fell Spirits (and numerous other longer, likely self-given titles of a similar caliber), it is a spectacle of the highest degree.
Rather than the disinterest that Garon had when Niles was brought forward to him, the king seems to have a close and careful eye on Odin as the mage is all but thrown into Leo's service. When demanded a presentation of his skill, Odin then proceeded to blow a hole through six walls of solid stone, all while naming every spell he unleashed. He then struck a pose in an equally perplexing fashion and proudly proclaimed his ACHING BLOOD!, when done.
The maids had a hell of a time cleaning it up, but as the court watched on in awe, Leo approached the mage and laid a hand on his shoulder and stakes his claim. Niles watches on, a wicked grin on his face until Leo glances over, and it disappears. Niles' face is blank as the three join up after the fracas and Odin fills the spaces between them all with his absurdity.
To Leo it is like the first time someone has spoken to him in years.
Leo is nineteen when Corrin- always the beloved one, even by Leo himself as the years have gone on- betrayed them, Nohr, for Hoshido. His real family.
Years of being spoiled, loved, adored, and it wasn't enough for them. They weren't enough for Corrin.
The first time Niles sees Leo cry is after they have returned from the Hoshido plains, all four royal siblings beaten bloody and eyes filled with emotion. Xander storms off in frustration, the volunteer martyr to tell the king of what transpired; Elise can't make it any farther than the front hall before collapsing in a crying heap, her echoing wails blanketing the castle; Camilla locks herself in her room, her retainers pounding at the door for hours; Leo numb to the world, a void within his thoughts as he struggles to keep his feet beneath him.
He goes quickly and quietly to his room, and shuts himself in promptly, shutting out Odin and Niles as they tried to comfort their lord through the door. That camadarie that infected Leo when they were all together cannot reach him in these depths, and he ignores them; even though he's bleeding all over his comforter, Leo curls up in a ball and thinks of every moment leading to the choice, what he could have done better, things he should have said, years wasted hating Corrin for being Camilla's favorite instead of getting to know the kind person they were that Leo came to love as well. He should have seen it coming; how could he have ever seen it coming?
When Niles knocks on the door to bring Leo his dinner, he ignores Leo's empty command to be left alone, barging in despite his protests. He sets the tray on the side table, and sits gently on the edge of his bed as if he's unsure he's allowed to.
Leo sits up to send Niles away by force and barely registers when his headband slides out of his hair. Niles picks it up, raising a hand to Leo's head as he smooths the hair back and is about to slip the hair band back in when Leo pushes his hand away. Niles slowly resets his position on the edge of the bed with no outward signs of being bothered by the rejection, but Leo knows that it hurt him.
Niles has barely touched him in years, and Leo knows it's because he didn't let him. He couldn't let him, not when his heart beat traitorously in his chest at the slightest brush of skin. They were not children anymore, and yet he could not shake these feeling he had for his retainer; if anything, they had only grown stronger as the years went on.
And with that thought, the dam in Leo's head breaks, and the void that he had been stuck in slips away and is replaced by the crushing sorrow of Corrin's choice. That, and the fact Camilla is not the one Leo wishes to reach for in this sadness, it is Niles whom he wants to comfort him.
The prince remains rigid on his bed, but his shoulders start shaking almost unperceivably, then his whole body is a shuttering mess, and then Leo is crying. Fat, salty tears trail down his face and he grits his teeth and cries silently for his lost sibling, and for himself.
Niles is stunned when he hears the tiny gasps of breath escaping his lord, but the moment the tears start dripping onto the bed, Niles finally registers that Leo is crying. Leo is shaking, rocking back and forth in silence, and even though Niles thinks this this will only make his lord angrier, he's pulling Leo to him and holding the sobbing prince to his chest.
Leo almost doesn't realize what is happening, but Niles' strong body around him is indeed real and the arms holding him still are warm and solid. He wants to push away, wants to refuse, but in the wake of an unbelievable betrayal, Leo finds himself in the only place he's ever wanted to be, and he holds on.
Niles rocks and quiets his crying prince until the sobs have receded to a low whine, yet they don't let go of each other, and both prince and retainer know they can't deny what they feel any longer.
The first time they kiss, it is a horrible day.
It is the day Camilla breaks Leo's heart. It is also the day Leo breaks Niles'.
They have just returned from Cheve, Leo all but carrying his sister to the infirmary as she is barely conscious in her grievously wounded state. She had run off to Cheve to chase down a lead to Corrin, ignoring orders, picking up and going. Thankfully her retainers and even that cur Hans had followed her, and Leo fears the worst should she had faced Corrin's army herself; she was warrior, make no mistake, but her love for Corrin would have been her downfall.
It was. Leo hates how furious he is when those words echo in his skull.
He can't fathom what was going through her mind when she decided this was a good idea, he can't begin to guess what he would have done if he had shown up perhaps even a minute later and found his beloved older sister dead.
When she awakes in the infirmary, Leo is still at her side, holding her hand like his life depended on it. She is panicked in an instant, sitting up, asking about her retainers to which Leo replies that they are fine; she asks if Leo is fine, to which he replies (oh his heart and how it still is weak to her) that he is perfectly fine, just worried for her; she then asks after Corrin. It's Leo's great pleasure to say they were gone, chased off with the rest of the bloody resistance that has taken root in Cheve.
And then Camilla is crying, sobbing, her beautiful face contorted in agony as she can speak of nothing but Corrin, how she should have loved them more, how she still loves them, and Leo's heart sinks with each word. He tries to calm her by saying how the rest of her siblings are still by her side, but she is hysterical, emotional. Leo is weak to her tears and he says everything he can to try and placate her, but it is Corrin she wants, Corrin she always wanted.
His feelings for Niles- raw and still somewhat new- they are nothing in the heat of this moment when all Leo feels is the ache of old love for his sister, and even though he knows so much better than this, he's throwing it all at her in a single breath of passion. He loves her, he loves her more than Corrin, he will always love her and want her and protect her and not even Nohr burning to the ground would change that.
Camilla is still crying when she whispers she loves Leo too, but she wants her family to be back whole, she wants Corrin back despite the obvious that Corrin doesn't want them.
Leo grips her by the shoulders and presses their foreheads together, standing over the bed as he slides his hands into Camilla's hair. He is pleading her, begging her to let go, to love him instead, but she pushes him away. She pushes him away and his heart breaks and he is given the very answer he always knew would haunt him to the end of this miserable and failed love.
No, I can't see you that way.
Leo can't stand to be a minute longer in her presence as he all but runs away, runs away from her crying for another, and runs to his room like the child he still is. His world is crumbling anew, the possibility of Camilla's death eclipsed by the certainty of her rejection of his feelings. He is so broken he cannot cry, all he knew he was scraped out of him, for what is Leo without his love for Camilla?
Leo's door is clicking shut a moment later, and he whirls to find Niles in the sitting quarters of his room, breathing hard from running.
Where did you go Milord? No one knew where you went- Odin and I were beside ourselves with worry!
Leo's sharp eyes catch Niles aback, and his retainer is closing the gap between them in long strides to where he is holding Leo's head in his hands and begging him to tell him what happened, where did you go?
The touch renders Leo's body anew with sensation, the casualness of Niles' touch having returned since the time he caught Leo crying. Leo cannot speak in this moment of conflicting aches, torn between throwing Niles to the hall or the bed, torn apart by the loves he harbored when neither should have ever been within reach.
Please Milord. Tell me what happened, I will listen to whatever you have to say.
But Leo does not want to say anything at all right now; where did that get him with Camilla but heartache and shame?
So Leo does something else: he closes the gap between them, griping Niles' head and bringing it down to him in an urgent crash of lips. Niles makes a surprised noise and Leo holds on tighter, opening the kiss between them and allowing himself to feel everything he's ever pushed down into the darkness.
Niles breaks the kiss with a sharp breath and he's near panting when they part; his single eye is glassy and his teeth grind together. Milord… he begins but cuts himself off. Leo gives him a look and then they're at each other again.
Hands in hair, hands under clothes, Niles pushes Leo back until he falls back on the bed, followed by Niles crawling on top of him. More kisses are exchanged, touches taken, and Leo is about to be pulled under by the building heat consuming him when Niles backs off abruptly.
Milord, I don't want you to do this to yourself. I cannot continue in good conscious. Niles is breathing hard, his body hard- Leo felt it- yet he's pushing him away.
Leo gets up on an elbow, glaring at his retainer. Do what to myself? I was the one who initiated this.
Milord, I won't let you lower yourself to my level. I want nothing but the best for you, and that is not I. He shakes his head and looks away as he adds ruefully, Besides, you are not ready for this… it will hurt, and you are the only person I've never wanted to hurt.
Leo will not humor this idealism, not now when he's this close to what he's wanted and too gone to deny there's no going back. I don't want anyone else, I want you. There is no 'lowering' of myself to your level, and I won't hear a moment more of this. He grasps for Niles' shirt in urgency. Now get on with it.
In that moment Leo cannot hear the way Niles' heart breaks in his ribs at the prince's admission; he doesn't want this, he doesn't want it this way, and the one time Leo says what he wants, it's because he doesn't want Niles to know the truth. Oh, it hurts, this new torture of his emotions is the worst pain Niles has ever known, but he cannot control himself when Leo looks at him like that.
So get on with it they do. Their kisses turn to bites, their clothes to skin, and though it has been their first kiss, first touch, first everything, Leo barely remembers any of it. The ache, the sweat, the pleasure, the pain (and there is a lot of pain), it doesn't matter when dawn breaks the night sky open and Leo wakes up in bed alone.
They don't talk again for a week afterwards; it is a week that Leo cannot walk straight, but Niles can't even enjoy that, not with everything still weighting heavy on him.
They still have to interact, as it is his job, and though Niles runs errands, runs messages (spoken aloud and recited to their recipient because Niles is still a poor scribe), they don't interact much beyond orders. Niles passes off anything that can be avoided to Odin, who can sense the tension between them but for once in his life doesn't wax lyrical about it. The rest of the time Niles spends at the training grounds brooding, impaling stuffed dummies through the groin instead of sorting through his feelings like an adult.
Niles feels used- not used like he was as a child, in stranger's beds and behind taverns in allies- but rather emotionally used. His battered husk of a heart hadn't known if it could have ever felt affection again after years of being trod upon in the streets, and yet Leo had warmed it until new emotion had sprung from it like flowers through the ribcage of a forgotten corpse. That alone was enough to leave Niles vulnerable, but Leo breaking him down to his basest feelings like he had that night was too much; Leo was shaken up by Camilla's near death- Camilla, always Camilla- and he fell to Niles for comfort because it was easy.
However this day when Niles is summoned to his prince's study, he has the distinct feeling he cannot worm his way out of it this time. He is left to wander to Leo's study unguarded, and Niles wonders when that started happening. When did people actually begin to trust him like this?
When he knocks on the door, the call from within to enter is garbled. Niles opens the door apprehensively, unsure of what he's walking into. Leo is slumped back against his chair, a smattering of papers about his desk in various stages of being dealt with, but what is surprising is the glass of wine clutched in Leo's fingers. He takes a deep drink as he bids Niles to close the door.
Once Niles approaches the desk, he stands at attention with his hands behind his back and his gaze on the ground. Leo swishes his wine around in his glass a few moments as the silence settles, and all hope of this being a simple errand call is crushed in Niles' head; they both know what they have to talk about and neither wants to.
I've been doing some thinking lately, Leo begins. You've always served me faithfully despite having every reason to hate me, and I've always appreciated that. We've been together nearly half my life, and I've considered you a close friend for a very long time. He sips his wine before continuing, However I think you've lost your ability to think for yourself.
Niles can only stare at his lord in a perplexed stupor. Once he recovers, he asks, Milord, are you drunk? It's barely two in the afternoon, how many glasses of wine have you had?
One. Leo replies. It's a lie; he's had three, but unlike others who become dulled with the alcohol's effects, Leo becomes sharper, finds it easier to think.
How can you say that then, Milord? You said it yourself, I've done nothing but my very best to serve you. Niles sounds hurt at the implications.
Ah, but that is where the problem there lies. You serve me, do everything for my benefit, but you've lost all will of your own. That boy that begged to die on those steps, he still wants to die, but now because he promised someone he would if he could. You still don't value your own life, Niles, and you only pretend to for my comfort. Why is that? Leo sips his wine thoughtfully.
Niles is put in a spot he himself had trouble getting out of. It's because you saved my life, Milord. You saved a street rat no one had previously given a damn about and gave him purpose. How can I not swear to serve you after that?
Leo slams his glass down in an uncharacteristic show of emotion. I allowed you to live by mere whimsy, a passing thought. How can you pledge yourself to someone who could have just as easily killed you is that thought hadn't passed?
Then I probably had it coming. Niles quietly admonishes.
And if I told you I changed my mind, that I decided to kill you right now, would you accept that judgment? Leo spits.
Niles holds his head high and closes his eye. Then I'd accept it if you willed it. I live to serve by your whims.
No, you don't live, you just serve. You don't know how to do otherwise… why else would you… Leo broke off as he nearly choked on his words. Why else you let me do THAT to you? I'm not ignorant… I have heard enough about life on the streets and I know what you had to do to survive because your kingdom didn't take care of you. I never wanted to make you suffer like that again-
Milord, I did that of my own volition. Niles asserts.
But you tried to stop me, to tell me no. Leo's hands went to his face in dread. You should have stopped if it meant reopening old wounds for you.
Niles is quiet as he sorts through what he wants to say next. That act of theirs had stung, but it was nothing compared to what he had previously been through, and hearing Leo acknowledge such things made him even more uncomfortable with these truthful words. A wound was indeed reopened, Lord Leo, but not the kind that you're proposing. You see, this wound had healed entirely, only to be ripped open again in the same spot. It hurt, but it's a familiar pain that I've grown to crave.
Leo returns to his cup and his answer is garbled. What does that even mean? Niles, speak plainly to me.
Niles gazes off to the side, unwilling to meet Leo's eyes. He knows his grave has been dug for quite a long time now, and it feels like that he has one foot in, back to the tombstone as he begs to thrown down into the dirt where he belongs. If there was any time to own up to his sins, it was now while he could bask in the glow of his lord, his sun, his savior for the last time.
Then I shall make it no plainer, Milord. It would seem I have fallen in love with you, and have been for some time. I resigned myself to never letting these feelings show, but what you ask for, I will give.
Leo stops drinking. His gaze lifts from the cup to Niles' solemn one and holds his gaze for what seems like an eternity. Niles is amazed he can keep his breathing steady throughout all of it, the open and raw look his prince is giving him taking his breath away.
Slowly, so slowly, Leo sets his goblet on the desk and makes his way from out behind it. He pads up to Niles, and Niles realizes he is even shorter now as Leo has removed his heeled boots and stands in his socks in front of him. Leo, as open as he's ever seen him, drunk, sad, shoeless, and honest, leans into Niles' chest and wraps his arms around his waist and clings.
Niles loosens his stance as he shifts to hold the prince's shoulders in his hands. Milord?
I… love you too, Niles. Haven't you always known that? Leo whispers into his cloak. I just wanted you to love me back. No one… loves me back.
Niles draws Leo closer, resting his arms on his lord's hips, afraid this moment will break like glass if he isn't gentle. You've been everything to me for nearly ten years, Leo. Anything you wanted from me, you have it, especially my love.
Leo breathes a choked sigh of relief. Thank you Niles. Thank… you.
A week from their night of firsts, the two wraps themselves in the other's arms like it should have been from the beginning, and thus marks that night as the first time they have told each other they love them, and the other loves them back.
The war goes on, and in a morbidly ironic way, life goes on as well. The days are long, and the weeks and months pile up and tire upon Leo. Still, things are easier knowing someone is always by his side, waiting for him to come back to them at the end of the day.
And perhaps best of all, the thought Camilla does not cripple Leo's heart so anymore.
Years of pushing the other away cannot be undone in months, but still they try; they take nearly all their meals together, talking becoming easier; where Niles used to trail his lord in the shadows wherever they went, he now stands by Leo's side at all times; Niles has all but moved into Leo's room, and they go to sleep and wake up easily in each other's arms.
It is on one such occasion as these that is the first time Leo has seen Niles without the eyepatch. It is a dark, moonless night in which anything seems possible by the light of the candle flickering on the bedside table. Niles is dozing with his nose in Leo's neck, but Leo cannot settle with the leather of Niles' eyepatch digging into his skin; it's all he can think about actually.
Niles never takes it off, at least not that Leo's ever seen, and he's seen quite a bit of him in the past few months. His fingers itch at the end of it, reaching around Niles' ear to remove the strap, when Niles' hand snaps his wrist back. He opens his eye, giving Leo look that would be coy of he didn't see the fear in his blue eye.
Naughty boy, what are you trying to do to me in my sleep?
Leo withdrawals his hand with a shaky sigh. I thought you were asleep.
I'm a light sleeper, Milord. Besides, I hardly sleep when you're around. He moves to pull Leo closer, his hand snaking downwards, but Leo stops him with a careful hand.
I want to see it. Your eye. Leo asks.
Niles pulls back with a plaintive look. Sorry to disappoint you, but there's not much to see.
You know what I mean. Leo snaps. His gaze falls downward and the feelings of shame rear their ugly head once more. I've never seen you without it, and I want to see all of you. To understand all of you.
Niles can sense his lord's worry and holds back on teasing him more. Though he has always tried to hide the worst parts of himself from Leo, there was that unfortunate flaw that was always very present on his face. But it was Leo asking him, not for morbid fascination (though knowing the curious little lord that was at least a small part of it) or to demean him; Niles is no stranger to discomfort, but he will do it for Leo, as discomforting as the thought of him seeing Niles for all he was- even more than now- and all the horrors he kept hidden.
There is no ceremony as Niles digs his hand around his head and pulls the cord of his eyepatch loose, letting it fall to the bed. Leo's eyes are immediately at his face, wandering and searching and examining.
There really was nothing more than a mass of scar tissue where Niles' other deep blue eye used to be. Leo brings his fingers to trace the patterns in his skin along his cheek, and Niles can't help but shudder at the touch on the delicate skin there.
What happened? Leo whispers in wonder.
It was a very long time ago. I was just a kid and one of my 'customers' was drunk. They got angry at me and broke a bottle on my face. I didn't lose the eye immediately, but rather it slowly rot inside my head for two weeks before it had to be gauged out.
Leo doesn't say anything as he continues to finger Niles' cheek, his face showing none of the disgust or anger or pity common when Niles told the story. Rather he looked the same way at Niles like he always did: curiosity, affection, wonder.
He pulled his hand back and murmurs a low thank you. Niles winds the string back around his head and the eyepatch is back in its place in a matter of moments. Leo is still quiet as they settle back into their previous positions for the night, but Niles' head is still humming with everything that has happened, and everything it means for them.
There really is no going back from this, and it's not for Niles' lack of trying; Leo has entrapped Niles in his trust, something he thought difficult to earn and impossible to keep. Push away and fight as he might, it was all his, perhaps always had been; they trusted each other to love one another when others hadn't, and nothing could keep them from doing just that now.
Niles foolishly hopes the war will last forever; away from the eyes of the court, the expectations, and duties, they would just be Leo and Niles, and they would fight everyday like it was their last.
But the war does end, and end it does in the most horrible way Leo could have ever imagined.
Standing over his brother and sister's bodies is surreal; his father, turned to bubbles, unbelievable; Corrin standing triumphant like they hadn't just slaughtered half their family, holding their hand out to Leo when their divine blade is still dripping Xander's blood.
Hate is all Leo can feel for a while; he's wasted years, most of his life, in jealous petty hate in one form or another, but it's blinding rage that clouds his vision in the weeks after the war. Xander whom he loved more than hated, Elise whom he never loved nor hated until she was gone, Corrin whom he once loved but now was consumed by hatred for. His room has become an enchanted greenhouse of razor blades and splinters, Bynhildr's trees sprouting from every angle and tearing the room apart in its master's sorrow.
And just when Leo feels it cannot possibly get worse, it does.
Camilla passes regency to him and denounces her royal title; Odin vanishes into thin air after a cryptically worded letter is deposited on his desk; Leo becomes king to a country that never wanted him; and Niles, he has to stop loving him.
Heavy is the head that bears the crown, and heavier still is it when the shoulders it falls to were never meant to wear it. It still feels like Xander's crown, and it is far, far too big for Leo to shoulder it on his own. The night after his coronation, the new king calls his sole remaining retainer to his side and they sit the silence of Leo's chambers.
The trees and vines of Brynhilr have receded, but thorns could still be found running along the edges of the doorframe, the desk, and the bed frame; Leo doesn't know if they will ever go away. His crown- Xander's crown- sits a few feet away on an embroidered pillow, stark and gleaming like a knife. Niles is quietly watching as Leo pours himself a goblet of wine, joining his lover on the side of the bed. They sit for a while before Niles places a hand on Leo's thigh and it takes every shread of will in his body for Leo to push that hand off; or he would have, if Niles hadn't removed it first and stood up as if he was making his way to leave.
Milord, I know what you are about to say, and I understand whole-heartedly.
What Niles? What am I about to say? Leo is tired of people always predetermining his life. Makes sense even his lover acts this way.
That we cannot continue this tryst. You will need to marry one day to establish alliances and produce an heir, and I will not stand in the way of that. Niles sounds calmer than he feels.
Leo wants to throw something; he settles for chugging his wine. Kings can have lovers on the side, father had plenty after all. No one will think a second thought about it, and you can shoot an arrow through their skull if they do.
Niles gets down on his knees, taking Leo's hands in his own and gives him a look of devotion that cuts so deep it curdles the calcium in Leo's bones. Nohr needs a strong and honest king, not another Garon. Keep yourself true, Milord, be that king Nohr needs now. I will never… leave your side, and you know that by now, no matter what you do. This life has not given me much to believe in, but I do and will always believe in you. He presses a kiss to Leo's knuckles and rises. And if me not playing such a part as this in your life is what is needed for you to succeed, then I will give it up happily for you.
Leo's throat is dry as Niles' words; they are true, all true, all words Leo was just on the verge of saying himself. But hearing the man he loves more than life itself telling him he'll happily stop loving Leo because of a crown he doesn't deserve rocks him to his very core.
With a murmur, Niles goes to excuse himself, but Leo catches his arm as he passes the bed- their bed- before he disappears from Leo's chambers for the last time as his lover. Promise me this though, Niles. Should the day come when I want you more than I want this crown, want Nohr, you will come back to me.
Niles' eye is glassy when he nods. Of course Milord. Whatever you want of me… it's yours.
And Leo believes. Leo believes this promise as Niles leaves and Leo is left alone with his wine, his thoughts, and his crown. He believes that they'll be together again one day.
He believes and he would be heartbroken elsewise.
Thank you for reading~ ❤