Okay, so I've had this little ridiculous story in my head for quite some time, and finally decided to publish it. I love Deadpool!
Disclaimer: Neither JKR or Deadpool's creators would be weird enough to have come up with this on their own. All stupidity is mine. Everything else is theirs.
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Deadpool crept softly through the forest.
"I'm on a mission; I'm on a mission, finally on a mission…" He hummed softly to himself. For it was true; he was on a mission.
Harry Potter had hired him to kill Voldemort.
"If I pay you to kill him," Harry had said, "then it'll still be me killing Voldemort. Just indirectly." Deadpool hadn't understood his logic, but a mission was a mission. And a well-paying one at that.
The guy is prophesied to fight this dude and he doesn't even have the guts to take him on. "What a pansy," he added aloud.
"What?" a girl asked, "Who called?" Deadpool vowed to at least try to keep his remarks inside his head.
He heard voices in the clearing.
"Yes, my lord," someone said, "It will be done."
Deadpool peered through the trees. Is that Voldy or Michael Jackson's cousin? He lunged out, sword in hand, straight for Voldemort. His target stepped back, sending Deadpool sprawling on the ground in front of him.
"Who are you?" Voldemort asked, for once entirely puzzled.
"Deadpool, your friendly neighborhood Well-Compensated Establishment Provocateur!" He sprung towards Voldemort again.
"Petrificus Totalus!"
"Crap."
Hey, Deadpool realized, my mouth still works! Glad to know the important stuff's up and running.
The Dark Lord looked down what was left of his nose. "You try to kill me with a mere sword?" He smiled viciously. "Avada Kedavra!"
Green light enveloped Deadpool. His eyes rolled back in a not-so-natural way.
"Muggles." The clearing echoed with light laughter.
"What can any of them do that wizards can't do better?" Bella's features were set firmly in smugness.
Deadpool stirred beneath him. "I can heal," he growled, slicing the Dark Lord from shoulder to hip. "You can't. Not from that, anyway."
The last bit of life flickered out of Voldemort.
Deadpool looked up with a satisfied grin to find Bella's wand pointed straight at him. All the others joined her.
He laughed nervously. "Parley?"