A/N: Thanks to Lupinlover for encouragement and inspiration.
Rain slashed at the windows of Gryffindor Tower. Hermione looked out through her window at the sodden grounds and the ruffled gray surface of the lake and sighed. She was rooming by herself year, a privelege allowed to Prefects at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.. Her room, tucked under the eaves at the top of the tower, was tiny, barely big enough to hold her fourposter, her desk, and her school trunk, but it was all hers, and she loved it. It had become her second favorite place at Hogwarts, the first being the library of course, only, just now it seemed more like a prison cell in Azkaban.
It had all come from her desperation to prepare for her O.W.L. tests. Granted, she shouldn't have been reading transfiguration texts in Potions class, but was that any reason for Professor Snape to banish her from the library for an entire week? Not that, when it came to being nasty, vindictive and unfair, Professor Snape needed a reason.
She thought of going to find Harry and Ron, who were doubtless studying down in the common room. Lately, though, she couldn't manage to say two words to Ron without getting in some kind of argument. Then Harry, the peacemaker, would try to intervene and no one would get any studying done. That was very hard on Ron, whose grades lately were not what they should have been. He seemed to be distracted about something. Hermione had a fairly good idea of what the something was, but as long as Ron refused to admit it, what could she do?
Well, no use moping around here. She went down the stairs to the fifth year girls dorm, where she could hear her classmates, Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown giggling. The topic had to be boys, makeup, or maybe the Witch Weekly Quiz. Witch Weakness, Hermione thought, gritting her teeth. Last year, Snape had read five horrible paragraphs of Rita Skeeter's lies about her to the entire class, Slytherins included, of course. Well, she'd got even with Rita. Snape, unfortunately, was officially On Our Side, and that meant he was off limits, but someday, Professor, she promised herself, the war against Voldemort will be over, you'll collect your Order of Merlin, and I will curse you into a jellied slug and pickle you in your own juice. If Harry doesn't do it first.
She knocked on the door. "It's me." she said, and they let her in.
"What's up?" Parvati asked. She, along with her identical twin, Padma, was said to be the prettiest girl in Hermione's year. She was holding out her hands, her fingers splayed. An enchanted brush was painting her nails.
"Uh, I wanted to know if you had any books I could borrow."
"Help yourself," said Lavender Brown, waving at her collection. "But I thought you didn't like romances." Lavender was short, blonde and since, last year or so, very curvy.
"I am desperate,"Hermione announced. " It's three more days till I get my library privileges back. So I thought, if you could point me at something that's not too horrible"
Trashy, juvenile and far-fetched
she meant, but didn't say so."Why not?" Lavender got up and squatted down by her trunk. It must have had an expansion charm on it, to hold all the garishly covered paperbacks inside. They were wizarding books, because the pictures on the covers were all moving. A hero, he was clearly a hero, judging by his noble expression and the swooning way in which the heroine was leaning up against him, turned his head to her and gave her a flirty wink. He looked a bit like a long-haired version of Gilderoy Lockhart.
"You like steamy or sweet?" Lavender asked.
"Umm" said Hermione, blushing a little.
"Never mind," said Lavender, "I'll just give you an assortment. She sorted through her collection, and Hermione left with about twenty of them piled in her arms.
Back upstairs, she dumped them into a heap at the end of her bed, picked one out of the pile at random and started in. After a while, she began to feel a bit heady, her mind filled with rose petals and mush, wondering if men ever actually acted like that. The only man she'd ever seen on his knees had been her Dad, looking for his keychain. Aside from Wormtail, come to think of it. Hermione tried not to.
Before dinner, Hermione gathered the books up and brought them back.
"You've finished already?" Parvati asked.
"Why not, she's the brain around here." Lavender said.
"Umm, well, actually, I didn't read them all straight through. They sort of fall open on the good parts."
"Steamy, definitely." said Lavender.
"Although I liked the Hogwartsy ones too. What is it, Selena Sablefield's School of Spellcraft and Sorcery? Those were kind of fun."
"OOOh yeah, Desiree Drinkwater. " said Parvati. "Although I wasn't sure you'd go for that one, Hermione. That seventh year one? Wooo, wooo"
"Wooo,wooo?" Hermione questioned.
"Parvi, I didn't give her that one! " Lavender squealed. "She's a prefect! And a brain! I couldn't!"
"What do you mean? Just because I have got a badge and a brain doesn't mean I don't have ---I mean, honestly."
"Well, in that case, just leave your superior attitude at the door and dive right in, Ms. Prefect."
"My what? Parvati, I do not have a superior attitude. Do I?"
"Well, you're not as bad as perfect Percy was, but you only talk to famous Harry Potter and his scintillating sidekick. And they never talk to any one but you."
Hermione had to admit that this was sort of true. She tried to explain.
"Honestly, Harry's sort of shy, you know. I think he's a little scared of people"
"What?" said Lavender. "You're trying to tell me the hero who defeated You-Know-Who is scared of us?"
"Well, he didn't have a lot of friends before he came to Hogwarts, you know. And I guess having two friends seems like a whole lot, if you've never had any. It's not like he's shunning everyone else, or something. And nor am I"
"Huh!" said Parvati. "Well I know one thing, he wasn't too shy to ask Cho to the ball last year. I guess I was second best."
"What?" said Hermione, "How do you know? "
"Because Padma in Ravenclaw told her, of course." said Lavender. "Didn't you know?"
"Not about Cho." Hermione shook her head in wonder.
"I don't believe it," said Parvati, "There is something she-who-must-know -everything actually doesn't know."
"Knock it off, Parvati" said Lavender, who noticed that Hermione was looking rather hurt.
"Here, this'll cheer you up. Read it if you dare. " Lavender fetched a book from under the bed. "Presenting Desiree Drinkwater's finest work. 7th year. Love's Desperate Hour."
"Just picture yourself in the good part. " Parvati put in. "Starring the school brain and her favorite professor!"
"My favorite Professor's McGonnagal, " Hermione said dubiously. The other two girls giggled.
"Lavi's making fun," said Parvati, when she could talk.
"It's about this professor," Lavender began. "You'll recognize him--
"And he gets the Imperius crush on this girl--" Parvati continued. They seemed to be able to finish each other's sentences almost as easily as Fred and George.
"Who happens to be the school brain--"
"And they get--"
"Involved." The two girls started giggling again.
"Well, I suppose it must happen sometimes," said Hermione thoughtfully. " I mean, teachers are only human, after all."
"I don't know about that," said Parvati. "Lupin wasn't. He was a werewolf!"
"Yeah, and Binns is a ghost, and Snape is probably a vampire or something," Lavender added, with a little shudder.
"Oh he can't be, " said Hermione, " I mean, I know he doesn't get outside much, but I have seen him in daylight. At Quidditch matches, you know."
"So, he could be one of those Bulgarian daywalkers or something. " suggested Parvati. "Viktor Krum told me about them, " she added.
"Can't be, " said Hermione, unconsciously adopting a lecturing voice. "You have to be registered with the Ministry of Magic if you're part human and carrying a wand, and I checked the register when I was researching about House Elves, and Snape is definitely not on it."
"So, maybe he forgot to tell them. " Parvati said.
Hermione shook her head. "Listen, that would be really serious, they could send him to Azkaban for that."
"I only wish they would," said Lavender.
"Likewise, " echoed Parvati. "Anyway you've simply got to read this. Page 87: Their first time."
"First times are so special" Lavender said, putting on a breathy voice.
They giggled madly.
Hermione took the book warily. "This isn't something I'll have to confiscate is it?" she asked, fingering her prefect's badge.
"Oh no, " said Lavender. "I mean, it's not like it's graphic or something.
"Hands at the waist, lips at the collarbone, fade to black." said Parvati. "And nothing statutory, our heroine is of age, you understand."
Hermione sat down on the edge of Parvati's bed, and started reading on page 87. Slowly, her jaw dropped and her face grew pink. "No, " she whispered," oh no." She threw the book down on the bed. And then she felt the giggles start. She buried her face in Parvati's pillow, her shoulders shaking.
"Behold," said Parvati. "Another reader brought to Desiree Drinkwaterour heroine, lioness of the literary world, dedicated to bringing love and enlightenment to a generation of lonely school girls."
Hermione sat up, still giggling, and her eyes fell on Parvati's copy of Witch Weekly.
"Can you imagine," she said slowly, "If we read this," she pointed to the book, " out loud in Potions some time."
"Oh my god, Hermione, we'd get detention for the rest of our lives."
"Might be worth it." said Lavender.
"So, maybe we could get the Slytherins to read it." suggested Parvati.
"Maybewe could get Snape to read it." said Lavender.
"We could," said Hermione, suddenly
"No way, how?" they asked.
"Well, not really Snape, but sounding like him. I could do the Memorex charm on one of you, and you'd sound just like him."
"Cool! Well, wait, you're sure it's not permanent or anything?" Lavender asked. "I don't get stuck sounding like him forever, do I?"
"No, of course not. But, um, I'll need something he's touched recently."
"Potions homework." Lavender offered. " Gave me an F the greasy ba-"
"That will work." Hermione cut in quickly.
Hermione touched her wand to the parchment and murmured something.
"Now I just point it at your throat, Lavender,"
"Wait, " said the other girl., "Check the door, Parvi, and make sure there aren't any ickle firsties lurking out there. All safe? Got it. "
They all piled onto Parvati's four poster and drew the curtains, their voices mingling in excited whispers. [Shh! Better try to be quietwe don't want anyone to think he's actually in here. Circe's swine, what a thought]Hermione did the charm.
And Lavender began to read, two octaves lower than usual, in a voice as soft and smooth as silk.
He came toward her, driven by the desire flooding every fibre of his being. He took her face in his hands and kissed her, sweetly first and then fiercely.
Lavender burst out laughing and all three of them were suddenly helpless.
"You don't know how weird it is to hear Snape laughing---"
"I --can't---stop--" said Lavender.
"Sobersidus!" said Hermione, aiming her wand once more, barely managing to stop giggling herself long enough to do the spell. A puff of blue smoke jetted from the end of Hermione's wand, briefly enveloping the other girl.
Lavender calmed down immediately, wiped tears from her eyes and continued reading in Snape's quiet expressive voice.
Her arms were around his neck, her fingers twisted in his long black hair.
With an effort he stepped back, his fathomless black eyes locked on her face.
"Off to bed now," he said.
"Mine?" she whispered. "Or yours?"
"Mine," he heard himself say. "Oh god, if you'll have me."
"I will." Trembling she reached toward him.
"Lets get out of here."
One arm around her waist, he caught a handful of green powder from a jar on the mantle and flung it sparkling into the fire.
"Hold tight" he said and the next moment they were spinning through the flames and the darkness, tumbling out through another fireplace onto the hearthrug, still clinging to each other. They were in a bedroom.
A little voice spoke in the back of his mind. This is wrong.
He looked down at her, her honey hair spread over the carpet, her lips half open, her hazel eyes half closed.
He raised himself over her, his fingers on the clasp of her robes.
"You can still change your mind." he told her.
"Do you want me to?"
"God, no. "
She looked up, into the black pools, and his hands touched her bare skin like coals, and then she was drowning,burning, annihilated , only to be reborn in his arms
Hermione and Parvati could only hold on to each other, laughing hysterically at the top of their lungs as Lavender finished the passage.
"Oy, up there!" Fred Weasley's voice came faintly from the bottom of the stairs.
"What's going on?" yelled George. "Practicing cheering charms?"
Hermione and Parvati laughed louder than ever. They heard uncertain footsteps climbing the girls' stair.
"Ohoh, they're coming," said Parvati.
"Do something, " hissed Lavender, still in Snape's voice, which only provoked more laughter.
"Miss Granger," said Lavender, in Snape's lowest, most dangerous voice," if you don't take the spell off me right now--"
"There will be serious consequences!" Parvati finished, in a high pitched squeal.
Shaking, holding onto the bedpost for support, Hermione levelled her wand at Lavender. Finite Incantatem, she said.
Lavender screamed. Parvati pushed the curtains back, and Fred and George burst into the room with Harry and Ron behind them, all looking alarmed.
"That was sooo funny!" Lavender screeched. "We have got to find a way to do this!" She pounded the bed with her fist.
"Out!" said Hermione, the prefect in her momentarily taking over. "Girl's side!" Then she started laughing again.
"Do what?" Fred asked, looking interested.
Hermione shook her head. "We mustn't, really."
"Are you all right? " Ron asked her. She collapsed against him, wild with mirth, gasping. He patted her back awkwardly. "Hey, calm downis it a spell or something?"
""I'm all right," she panted. "I just need a drink of water or something."
"I'll get one," said Harry helpfully. He poured her a drink from the pitcher by the basin. Hermione stopped hyperventillating.
"Hey, Hermione," Harry said. "It's five o'clock. We've got a prefects' meeting."
"Good heavens, yes. We've got to go. C'mon Harry. Parvati, Lavender, Thanks. "See you later." Hermione said, sprinting down the stairs.
"Give our regards to Drek-o " shouted the twins.
T.b.c