I wrote this a while ago, right after I first saw Star Trek: Into Darkness. I was putting off uploading it because it was never quite right. I'm still not 100 percent happy with it, but if I don't upload it soon, it's gonna wither away and die somewhere deep in my hardrive.

Anyways, I took a few writer liberties in twerking the order of Spock and Kirk's reactor-room conversation.

Enjoy!

You would think there would be a limit to the amount of stupid, impulsive, deadly decisions that one person could make. Like, after a certain number, twenty perhaps or fifty, you would get your "I'm an adult who can make my own choices" card taken away and sent back to preschool. But life isn't that kind. There is no safety net to fall into. And Kirk went into that dammed reactor room and now he is hunched in the corner of the decontamination chamber, dying.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you."

"Because you are my friend."

Talking hurt, breathing hurt, his head was screaming, but Kirk had to make Spock understand. If this was the end, he was going to go out with the truth.

"No...dipshit." He took a ragged breath. Spock opened his mouth to say something.

"I-"

"Because I love you." Spock froze, mouth still half open. The Vulcan looked so surprised, so vulnerable. At another time, Kirk might have laughed to cover up how badly he wanted to kiss him. Now, he would give anything to have the chance. But, hey, he was already dying, he didn't have much else to give. His mind wandered to the first time he met Spock. Standing on trial because the Vulcan didn't like losing. He had looked so miffed, like a cat right after you stepped on its tail. Kirk had a cat growing up. A fluffy white thing that ate too much and always spat at his step-father…

"What?" Spock's voice brought him back from his childhood.

"I didn't always." Kirk rushed the words out. "When you called that hearing after I beat your...your stupid test," Kirk coughed. "I-I kinda hated you, you know?"

Spock closed his mouth and swallowed. Kirk's already faltering heart jumped at that. Even in death, it couldn't stop acting like a 15 year old girl. Yes, he is beautiful. Kirk wanted to tell it. But it's too late now.

"But when Pike left the ship, after he made me first officer, and you gave me that look. Like you, you couldn't believe that you were stuck with me. I-" Kirk's throat felt swollen, he had to force out the words. He could feel his clock running out, and there was too much left to say. "I really felt like I needed to prove myself to you. I wanted you to want me there." Kirk smiled at the thought, lips cracked and bleeding. "That's when I knew I was in trouble." His eyes had closed at some point, and he had to remember how to open them. He looked at Spock.

"Jim..." Spock's voice was thick, and impossibly soft. He pressed his hand against the glass. Moving was agony, but Kirk forced his hand to meet his. His time was almost up.

"I'm scared, Spock." The words felt heavy on his tongue. "H-how do you choose not to feel?"

Spock's mouth quivered.

"I do not know." The words echoed in Kirk's mind. "Right now I am failing." As Spock said the words, a single tear fell down his cheek.

Some part in the back of Kirk's mind was suddenly almost glad he was dying, because it didn't think he could live through watching Spock cry. It was glad Uhura would be there to comfort him. But the rest of him was screaming. He wanted to comfort him himself. Tell him it was going to be okay. He was going to be okay. He wanted to believe that he was crying because maybe, somewhere deep inside, maybe Spock loved him too.

Kirk tried to say...something. But his lips were too heavy to move. His chest gasped and spasmed, fighting the end. He looked into the other man's eyes and tried not to think of life they could have had. He could have had.

Instead he forced his trembling fingers apart, mimicking the Vulcan's sign.

Farewell. It said. Live a long life. Don't forget me.

Spock's hand moved too but it blurred in front of his eyes.

The last thing Kirk heard was the sound of Spock screaming.