"The cherry trees are blooming."
He nodded.
"Five years. I can't believe it's already been five years," she said softly.
He came up from behind and wrapped his arms around her, following her gaze out the window to the line of cherry trees, with soft pink blossoms catching in the wind. Transluscent petals fell gently in an elaborate dance.
"You miss him." He said as he kissed her neck.
She wiped at a tear on her cheek. "Every day."
"He's dead, Rei. There isn't anything that will change that." Chad's voice changed suddenly as his arms slipped from her warm body.
Rei turned. "You're angry now." The words were a blunt statement, never meant to be a question.
"Yes, I am! My fiance' is still in love with a dead man."
For a second, Rei's eyes flashed with emotion, though Chad wasn't sure whether the fire he saw in her violet orbs was anger or sadness.
Chad frowned. "That's why you still haven't set a date. You still hope he'll come back."
"They never found his body, he could be - "
"Rei, he's dead! You have to accept that!"
"Chad... he was my husband; we were newlyweds," Rei whispered, her voice almost inaudible.
There was no reply, except for Chad to turn on his heel and walk away, grabbing his jacket. A moment, the front door slammed shut, and Rei jumped at the sound.
Rei was silent as she turned back to the window to gaze once more at the blossoming trees. She wiped at angry tears that ran hot down her flushed cheeks. She knew why Chad had gotten so upset, but the sudden outburst had confused and upset her. She had done nothing to provoke him, yet he had managed to hurt her with surprising ease.
Jadeite had been her husband for six months when he went out on an errand one afternoon and never returned home. For another three months, 25 days, 3 hours and 18 minutes, Rei and her friends devoted their lives to searching for him, until giving up hope and calling off the search, assuming him dead. Rei continued to search for him on her own until she eventually collapsed from exhaustion. The cold hard truth, it had seemed, was that Jadeite really was dead. Even then, Rei continued searching for him, and with each day that passed the hope that she clung to so desperately started failing her.
Agreeing to marry Chad a year later seemed like the most logical thing in the world to do. Jadeite was gone and Chad had been there to help Rei pick up the pieces. He was safe, secure, and loved her very much. Yet, Rei's reluctance to let go of her husband lingered, and on the fifth anniversary of the day that Jadeite went missing, Rei could not deny that she would never feel for Chad the way the love she'd felt for her husband.
Rei sighed, and the cherry blossoms danced in the spring breeze.
Chapter 2
The box was dusty and she found it was heavier than she remembered it being. Rei grunted as she pulled it from its hiding place from deep within the recesses of her closet, the one place she knew Chad stayed away from. Chad had been gone an hour and Rei knew he wouldn't return until late, his step uneasy and breath smelling of liquor.
Rei lugged the box to the center of her living room, grunting as she let it slide from her hands with a small thump, and knelt down in front of it. Inside, remnants of what had been Jadeite's life and their life together brought back memories in a flood. At first, when they had officially declared him dead, Rei was reluctant to move anything that Jadeite had anything to do with. For months, even his toothbrush remained untouched. After a while, though, Chad's presence in her life forced her to put away, sell, or give away Jadeite's things. It had been a difficult process. Everything had a memory attached to it, and removing what had been every day items seemed to Rei like surrender. It was the finality of the grieving process, giving up on the hope that he would one day return to her.
Immediately after removing the cover, the smell enveloped her. She had tucked a couple of his favorite shirts inside and his cologne clung to them still, though significantly less every time she opened the box. Rei sighed, inhaling the memory and seeing vividly the way Jadeite had looked wearing them.
Gingerly setting them aside, she dug further into the box, gasping slightly as she rediscovered the lock of golden hair. Tears came into her eyes as she held it in her hand, remembering how she got it; the last time she cut his hair, how he fussed when she insisted that her work be perfect, how he laughed at her when she pouted after he mussed it up when she'd finished. Rei had loved the feel of his hair, how she loved to bury her face in the back of his neck and feel it, soft, sexy.
Rei returned her attention to the other items within, each a part of Jadeite's life, items that now remained as the last link to the man she'd loved for what felt like so long, yet had been with so briefly.
The tears had begun to fall again, welling up in Rei's eyes before spilling over as she sobbed into her hands, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off, hastily cleaning up the memories scattered around her and wiping the tears away. She stood and turned, expecting it to be Chad, and her heart stopped.
It took all her strength to stay standing as her knees went weak, to remember to breathe.
"Oh God."
When Rei was searching for her husband, there were times, late at night or in the shower, that she dreamed of what she would say to Jadeite when she found him. The words she'd just uttered were a far cry from her plans, but it made no difference to her in this moment.
Jadeite was back.
Chapter 3
"Oh God."
Jadeite looked well, which immediately confused Rei. He was dressed in weathered jeans and a white button-up collared shirt. His hair was longer than he usually wore it, but Rei found it suited him, and his face wore several more wrinkles that she remembered him having.
He stood awkwardly in front of her, as though he didn't know what to do with himself. Rei understood that feeling. She didn't know what to do with him, or herself, either. The shock had rendered her almost completely speechless and without feeling in her limbs. After having given up on him being found, let alone found alive, she now stood staring at her long-lost husband, and had no idea what to do next.
The next thing Rei knew, she had hurled herself across the distance between herself and Jadeite and into his arms, clutching at him in every possible way as she sobbed wildly. His arms went around instinctively and he clung to his wife.
A few minutes, her sobs had quieted and while they were reluctant to part, they did so. Rei's hand went over her mouth and she shook her head as the tears continued to fall as she stared in awe of the man in front of her.
"I just can't believe it," Rei said after a few moments, to herself and Jadeite. "You disappeared and we searched and we never found anything.. Are you really here?"
Jadeite nodded.
"This isn't a dream?"
He shook his head no.
"Please, say something."
Jadeite stood silent for a moment. "I'd almost forgotten how much I love you until now."
Rei's lip trembled as she reached up to caress Jed's face. "I missed you," she whispered.
He nodded. "Me too."
"Rei?"
Chad's voice echoed throughout the near empty space and Rei froze. Chad, she'd forgotten about Chad. His timing couldn't have been worse. Of course he'd come back sooner than she expected. Instead of making her worry for hours and coming home in the late hours of the night, he would come back NOW. Of course.
"Chad." Rei cursed.
Jadeite's eyebrows raised. "Chad?"
Rei refused to act ashamed of her engagement, though she knew in that instant that it was over between she and Chad. "You were gone so long, Jed. I couldn't stay in mourning forever."
"Oh, there you.." Chad stopped in the doorway, "are." His eyes went back and forth between Rei and Jadeite and his face was surprised, confused. "What's going on?"
Rei wiped at her eyes. The past few minutes had been overwhelming and she didn't know what to say in explanation. She hesitated, watching the range of emotions that crossed Chad's face. Without another word, Chad turned on his heel once more.
"Chad, wait!"
He wheeled around. "Don't bother explaining, Rei. There's no need. It's pretty obvious what's going on here and I can tell when I'm not wanted."
"But - "
"You have your husband back, Rei, just like you've always wanted. Your knight in shining armour has ridden back on his white steed, resurrected after all this time!"
"You don't understand! This all just happened. In the course of a couple of hours, I'm marking an anniversary of a very big loss, and fighting with you and then having my world getting turned on its end all over again! My mind is reeling because I've barely had time to react to any of this. You can't possibly think -"
Chad looked to Jed as he continued. "What is there to understand? What, Rei? I come home to find you in the arms of another man - a man who is supposed to be dead! What am I supposed to think?!"
"Okay, Chad, you're right," Rei said softly, her voice trembling emotion. "How selfish of me to become overwhelmed in the moment that the husband I'd thought was dead suddenly shows up alive! I'm sorry for not realizing that my fiance's insecurities about my feelings for someone else were so fragile"
Jadeite stepped forward. "That's enough, Rei. You've been through too much today. You haven't had a chance to think about any of it."
He wrapped his arm around her waist and began leading her out of the room past Chad. Chad's hand on Jed's shoulder stopped them.
"Where do you think you're going?"
Jadeite looked at the hand on his shoulder and then to Chad. "I'm trying to give Rei a little peace. She needs to sit, to rest so that her mind can sort through everything that has occured."
"I don't want her going anywhere with you."
"That is not your decision to make."
"I don't trust you!"
"Enough! Too much has happened today to add you two fighting over who gets to comfort me. It's not fair and I don't deserve it! I can't think, I have no idea what to do next, what to say, I just -"
Rei's strength left her and she fell as her legs collapsed from underneath her.
Jadeite moved quickly, catching her in his arms before she hit the ground. He lifted her small frame, and with a glare in Chad's direction, carried her to her bedroom.
Chapter 4
When Rei woke, the house was silent. For a second she was confused, not sure if the day's events had been real or merely imagined. Yet seeing Jadeite's shadowed form in the grey-blue light of dusk that had filled her bedroom told her this was no dream.
She yawned, sitting up in bed and tried to imagine how she'd gotten here. Then she remembered. The fight with Chad, Jadeite's unceremonious return and the fight that had almost occured between the two men before she fainted. The feelings she'd had before came back to her, and Rei found herself confused all over again.
The sound of her movements in bed caught Jadeite's attention. He looked over and smiled.
"All better?"
Rei nodded. "I'm still so tired, though."
Jadeite's long arm reached out, touching her hand as it rested on the bed. "Sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
"Where's Chad?"
"Sulking, I think, in the other room. I think he's more than just a little disappointed that you fainted before he could fight to the death for you. You want me to go get him?"
Rei yawned and shook her head. "No, I don't think that's a good idea right now. You must be exhausted. Why don't you get some sleep, too? There's more than enough extra space in the house if you want to lie down. I'll be alright; you don't have to keep watch."
"No, I'll be fine. Thank you, but I'm happy here."
She smiled, knowing that his words pleased her. "Goodnight, Jed."
" 'Night, Rei."
The next thing, she knew, sunlight was pouring into her bedroom, filling it with bright orange rays that drifted across her bed, warming her in various spots. Jadeite was gone, but the house remained quiet.
-
The house was empty as Rei padded out barefoot to the temple and her sacred fire. It had never burned out, at least in Rei's lifetime of memory. Her grandfather had tended the fire every night from his youth right up to the day he died and Rei had carried that daily tradition on. When Jadeite went missing, when she wasn't searching for him, Rei was in front of the fire. It was from the fire that she gained peace and learned to let go, from its eternal warmth she was able to move forward with her life. The fire represented everything good to Rei; it was wisdom, security, strength and eternity. Yet Rei also knew that what the fire gave, it also took away.
Even though the weather was warm out, Rei felt more than comfortable with the heat of the flames that surrounded her. She knelt in front of the pyre and began to mediate.
It was Jed's footstep in the doorway that broke her concentration. He grinned in embarrassment and ran his hand through his hair.
"I know how you hate to be interrupted when you're meditating. I'm sorry I bothered you."
After so long of not having him with her, Rei thought, she swore that she would never again yell at him for such silly things.
"I just thought it would be a good time to talk," he continued, leaning on the doorframe.
Rei nodded, moving out of her meditative position and opening the door that led directly to the garden. The breeze that moved through cooled the feel of the fire at Jadeite's back as he and Rei settled down.
"You agreed to marry him?" The question was straight, simple, yet unaccusatory.
Rei sighed and fiddled with the engagment ring on her left finger. "Yes. No. I mean.. Originally when he asked, yes, I thought I was ready. He was there for me when I needed someone. Chad helped me through a lot. Your disappearance changed my life pretty drastically and I don't know how I got through it all. Lately I've been feeling like it was the wrong decision to make. After all that's happened, I'm sure of it.
"But right now.. that's the only thing I'm sure of."
"So what happens now?"
Rei thought carefully. "Well, we get to work proving that you're you and that you're still alive. That also means that we're still married."
"Do you... still WANT to be married to me?"
"I don't know." A tear slid down Rei's cheek, one of countless she had cried. "I worked so hard to forget you and every time I tried, I failed miserably. Before you die - disappeared, I remember thinking how I couldn't live without you. Afterward, I didn't really live. I just.. survived. I never stopped counting the days since I'd seen you last. Yesterday was the 1,825th day I'd faced without you. But I did learn that I didn't need you to smile or even be happy. Even with Chad around, I still had to regain some of my independence. I've come to enjoy being alone."
"But.." The word was both an urge to continue and plead for more.
"But.. I missed you, Jed. I missed you so much I thought I would die from the pain. When you showed up yesterday, I was just in that mode. I needed you. I needed to touch you and hear your voice and I remember wishing you were back, if only for a second, just one second where I would know I was going to be okay again. You're my husband and even though I had agreed to marry Chad, he would never make me feel what you made me feel when we were together."
Rei finished her monologue, feeling suddenly self conscious and stared at her hands on her lap.
"I missed you, too, Rei."
Rei let out a small sob and met his eyes. Lines of tears ran down her pale cheeks and her nose was pink with crying.
"Where were you, Jed," she whispered.
Jadeite shook his head. "I can't say, Rei."
"Is is because you don't know? Were you kidnapped and they blindfolded you? Were you drugged?"
"I.. can't, Rei, I can't tell you."
"I don't understand why. I have... all these questions in my head and there are no answers. What happened to you? Why did you disappear without any trace, without any warning for five years?! FIVE YEARS, Jed. I thought you were dead and when I'd just gotten my life together, you show up as if nothing happened! Why can't you tell me?!"
"Listen, to me Rei! Listen!" Jed took her hands into his own. "I. Can't. Tell. You. Okay? I know you have questions and I know it's frustrating and I want to tell you, but you have to understand that.. I just.. can't."
Jed's hand slipped under Rei's chin and gently pulled her gaze to his. "I know things have been hard for you. I'm sorry I hurt you, Rei. I should have been here and I wasn't and I know you need answers that I just can't give you."
Jadeite smiled, and Rei could see the sadness in his eyes that seemed to overshadow the love he was trying to share with her.
"Can you forgive me for going away? Can you forgive me for being unable to quiet those demons that you've been living with for the last five years?"
Rei pulled away from him and let out a sob. "I don't know, Jed!"
"Rei, I love you. I want to be able to get back the life I lost five years ago. You are still my wife! Please.. say you'll agree."
She wiped at a tear, and took a deep breath. "It's not the same, Jadeite, you know that. Who we were five years ago.. we aren't the same people now as we were then. So much has changed.."
Chapter 5
After their conversation, Jadeite left the temple grounds in a search for getting his life back to normal. Once Rei was alone, she sat again at the sacred fire. The cool spring wind that had blown during their conversation was gone, Rei choosing instead to close the off the room and embrace the heat in front of her. It had always been comforting, the warmth, the presence the fire gave her, as though it was another personality and giving her strength in times when she needed it most. Rei meditated, lost her thoughts which normally flitted around in her brain like leaves on a fall day. In place of eradic pondering, the grey mist of her mind cleared.
Jed's return was everything she had always wanted, since the very first day he'd gone missing. Even as she gave up and surrendered to the idea of marrying Chad, it had been done with a sad resignation that she would never be the same without Jadeite. He had been her entire world, her best friend, the only man she'd ever imagined having children with - and she almost had, until the miscarriage that occured early within their marriage.
But five years is a long time, and so is the time where the pangs of death change from desperate, desolate clinging to a life lost turns to a dull ache. Rei had had to get her life back together, and she had to learn how to exist without her soulmate. Although it had been the hardest thing she'd ever done, she HAD gotten through it. How could she ever consider a relationship with her long-lost husband if he could not understand the changes to her life, or even trust her enough to tell her where he'd been while she'd been mourning him? And yet, she knew that she had already accepted him, that she'd always loved him and had never stopped.
With that knowledge revealed to her at last, Rei added more fuel to the fire, then stood in stretched, feeling refreshed in the wake of the revelation.
Coming into the main part of the house, it was quiet. Rei heard stirrings in one of the bedrooms, and curiously went to investigate. She paused in her bedroom, the one she'd been sharing with Chad, to find him packing a suitcase with clothes and a box full of his things.
"You're leaving."
Chad turned at the sound of her voice, his expression calm. "I didn't want you to find out like this. I was going to talk to you as soon as you were through meditating."
Rei nodded. "It's okay. I was coming to talk to you, too."
They stood silent, neither knowing how to begin but somehow knowing what was being unsaid in the silence.
Finally, Rei stepped forward and took off the engagement ring and held it out for Chad to take. "I'm sorry, Chad. I just can't marry you."
Chad nodded. "I know. I think I've known for a very long time that it would never work out," he replied softly. "I just sort of kept holding on to this kind of foolish hope that you would love me like you did Jed, like I loved you. Deep down, though, I knew I was fighting a losing battle, that I was jealous of a ghost because you never cared for me like you did him. Which is why, I guess, I was so angry and why I'm leaving. There just seems to be no more reasons for me to stay."
A tear fell from Rei's eye. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
Rei offered Chad the ring in her hand. He shook his head. "No, keep it. Sell it, give it away, I don't care. It was meant for you. I don't want it."
"Where will you go?"
Chad shrugged slightly. "I don't know, but you don't have to worry. I'll be fine."
"You're not angry?"
"I want to be. For some reason I think I should be allowed to be angry, but I'm not. I'm not angry that Jadeite is back because you're happy again. You seem at peace all of a sudden and I'm not going to ignore the fact that it's because of him."
Rei threw herself into Chad's arms. His embrace was tender, softer than it had been, but it lingered, as though he was trying to memorize the feel of her body against his.
"Thank you," she whispered.
Chapter 6
It is raining. The hue of the sky is dull and grey, muting everything. She stands out among the faded colors in her red coat, the expensive one she bought one day when she'd still been in mourning. She loved red, the color of fire and passion.
The meet outside of a coffee shop. He is wet, having no umbrella since his return. She holds hers high, allowing him cover. He takes her left hand, and a grin of surprise appears on his face. She isn't wearing her engagement ring, he notes happily.
"No," she says, "I took it off."
"Then you mean - " He cannot finish the sentence; he is too afraid the answer will not be what he hopes.
"It's over. Chad is leaving. The engagement is off."
He is breathless as his heart pounds. "Why?"
"You, Jadeite. It's only ever been you. I don't care how many secrets you have, what you can't tell me. I can live with not knowing where you've been or what you've gone through so long as you are unable to tell me, but I can't live without you! I tried to, once, but it nearly killed me. I've never stopped loving you!"
He is so happy he cannot speak, so he does not try.
-
"Shining spring day. Falling cherry blossoms with my calm mind."
-Fin-
AN: I started writing this in spring when the cherry trees were blooming. I had no real plan when I first sat down and started to write, and it's remained directionless, but like all my writing, has been completed in stages over a couple of years. A paragraph here, one or two lines there as I sought for cohesion and an ending, which tends to feel abrupt and unfinishes, also like my other work. The poem is a haiku by Kino Tomonari, whose work I'm not familiar with, but is lovely anyway. The idea of ending with a poem was originally meant for it to be spoken by Jed, but I felt narration took away from beauty of it.