I don't know how to meet anyone's expectations. I just write what I want to—selfish, I know—but that's my drive to making things out of my limited imagination. I don't aim to please, but I'd be very glad if you readers were. Really.
Notes:
This might be a two-shot but it can also be a one-shot. Okay, maybe a one-shot... Oh well.
I'm not sure exactly when this took place. All I know is that this happened after their graduation, when all their ties to the academy had simmered down. I'll be using the phrase "One last time," just a warning to those who don't like reading repeated words. Words meant for a certain emphasis.
VintageInk
One Last Time
Romance/Tragedy
When all their ties to the academy had been somewhat destroyed, others lived their lives while Mikan, Hotaru and Ruka grieved for the loss of a dear friend. Why didn't the rest of the world follow him? Mikan always asked herself, hoping to find the answer. But, sadly, no one came back. No one to tell her that she was stupid, annoying and ugly.
It's ironic, how she missed him. It's paradoxical, the way she missed his insults and come backs. Yet, no matter how much she insulted him, bad mouthed him, he never replied. He simply stood and kept silent, hidden amongst the shadows.
She was dreaming.
She was dreaming yet again.
"Still and yet surprisingly... moving."
Undyingly fantasizing about the long lost love she once had kept with her, till dawn and dusk.
"Natsume…!" she choked out as she wept. "Don't leave me, Natsume… Please, don't do it…" she pleaded for him to come back. How much she wanted him to hold her. How much she wanted to know, that somehow, he needed her, too.
'Don't cry, Mikan. You know that I hate seeing you like this…' he frowned, locking his longing gaze at her mourning façade. She was his. Well, was, at least. It was a pitiful sight to see her so...helpless.
"I-I never—I never told you... Don't-!"
Slowly but surely, as if the gods had heard her suffering prayers, two strong arms draped around her petite figure. It was wound around her so tight; it was as if the man was afraid that she would disappear from under his grasp. And she held unto him just as tight and breath-taking, fearing that any moment now he would just stand up, let go and then leave her.
She cried in his embrace as he listened to her pleas, somewhat silently grieving with her all the while.
When her cries had died down, he smiled inwardly. When the time had come for her to sleep, he smoothly brushed his lips against hers. 'One last time, Mikan… Just once more and I'll leave… '
He asked for one last kiss, and her cries, pitiful, scared and broken, had been muffled inside the moist, deep-set cave.
Their kiss was untroubled and tender, yet the passion built inside of them. It was but a chaste kiss; nevertheless, to them it meant the whole world. Oh, the irony of life. How it never ceases to astonish us is just…beyond belief.
Yet, digging somewhere inside, he knew they were never meant to be. They knew, and had to let go. He had to leave it all and go. Let go of his heart. Let go of his life. Let go of his hopes and dreams... Let go of his love.
He estranged his lips from hers, trying to forget everything that has been haunting him all this time.
He chuckled. Haunting him? He's dead. No one can haunt him. Even if he wished them to, no one could. No one would want to.
He heaved a heavy sigh, "This isn't right…" he finally spoke. How long has it been since she heard his voice…? He guessed a long time.
She spoke so agonizingly soft. In fact, so soft that he could barely hear her. "Nothing's ever right between you and me…"
"Yes, but this is crossing the line. I'm abusing my privileges. My civil liberties as… the undead," he grimaced.
"Then abuse them, Natsume…"
'At least exploit them for me…' went those unsaid words.
She reached out her hand to subtly and gracefully caress Natsume's face, while unintentionally basking in his presence.
"One last time…"they thought before they separated ways, not knowing when they'll ever meet again.
'Twas a beautiful day. A beautiful awakening to match a beautiful sleeping brunette. Perfect…
The sun made its way, shining above the earth, not even thinking that some prefer to remain in the darkness of the past night. And soft yet unhurriedly, at the sun's whim, amber eyes gradually fluttered open, irresolute of whether to wake up or not. Uncertain of what would await her.
'But the sun was once beautiful… Dawn used to make me happy, as well.' She had to admit at least that much, but never really meant it. To those who ostracized her, whenever she they abandoned her, He would always wait for her, always, and patiently, under that tree they both so favored amongst the others.
Yes, sunrise was once beautiful to her eyes, but now, she's doesn't know what it means. Now, the meaning of waking up everyday, clouded her vision, making her oblivious to how long time has passed.
What it meant to everyone else, for that matter. She didn't know what the use of it was; to realize that when you wake up with no one to welcome you and no one to acknowledge you back was just disheartening. And, to wake up, not knowing that what had transpired was just but a blur to her eyes.
'The sun mocks my despondency… My despair and grief...' she thought grudgingly as she bit her lip to hold back the tears that were threatening to leak.
And as what the sun had willed her to do, she stood up. Stretching, she went to the bathroom to rinse her face, take a bath and to brush her teeth. When she locked her gaze on the picture the mirror held, she didn't see her tear-stained face, but only saw sore, red, distended eyes from crying. No stains. It was as if someone had wiped them. Then, she remembered the events of the past night, which only managed to brim her eyes with anguished tears. When you look at it now, it all seemed so surreal, and yet, so very, very believable.
Last night, she did the most idiotic thing. Even though she thought she was dreaming, she still clung to him as if he were real. Everything last night seemed so real, but no remains proved his presence. She may sad, and deluded, but it was out of love. It was the consequence. He warned her to stay away, but she was persistent - stubborn, even. Then, it just burst out, to the point she couldn't leave his side.
Love that she admitted soulfully, but never through her lips.
She may have been wrong all those years, but for once in her life, she was sure of something.
Last night, he was here.
That night, Natsume was here, grieving alongside her. "Natsume…"
She was sure of one thing:
When she cried herself to sleep, someone held her, and she clung to that person so desperately. She knew that that person was a man. And she knew that it wasn't Ruka. If Ruka wouldn't kiss her, then nor would Hotaru.
They were just not meant to be, it seems. And somehow, she knew that he knew about it, too. 'Not meant to be…' she allowed a sad smile, decorating her face. Upon realizing that, she wept once more. She cried just like the earlier night, pleading for him to come back to her, but to no avail.
Oh, how crazy that seemed.
She knew that no matter how much she begged, how much she bribed or bargained, he wouldn't come back. 'Not now, he wouldn't…' In fact, she knew that even if he wanted to and willed with all his heart, he just couldn't.
With that last trail of thoughts, she allowed her cries to swallow her. She permitted her tears to join the water as she rinsed and washed them away forcefully.
When she finished, she stared at herself somewhat mockingly, looking at the image inside the mirror, thinking back to those happy times...
She first considered taking a calendar, gently swiping it from her dresser as she gazed at the dates encircled in red. 'It's his anniversary,' she cringed at that thought.
"Today's his anniversary…" she whispered to no one but herself.
And, true enough, it is his anniversary.
His death anniversary.
But then, through Mikan's eyes, it was theirs to share because on the day that he left, he took part of her heart along with him in his long, lonely journey through life.
It affected her so much because... Natsume and Mikan…
They had this unspoken love between them, wherein one knows that they love, and that they are aware that the other is feeling how it really means to be loved back.
It was on the day that he left when part of Mikan's heart had died. And until now, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't forget him, her memories of him or the memories they built together, when he was still standing on his feet, smiling for her. It was for her, not at her, and she knew that much.
Yes, she could never disregard that date. She remembers it…as vivid and clear as day. How she wished she forgot and left all those agonizing memories and bid them farewell. And yet, at the same time, she wanted to treasure her last moments with him.
Natsume sat down, trying to ease the pain. As much as he hated to admit it, his whole body hurts, along with every singly movement he made. It hurt him to talk, it hurt him to walk, and it even hurt him to breath.
But he is determined to see her before his death.
She's the reason he changed, and somehow, he felt that he needed to show her that he did, indeed, amend. He is living for one main reason, and he can't die just yet, because if he did, his soul would never rest. He lives for Mikan – her and only her. Just like whenever he smiles - it was all for her.
From a far-off distance, he could see a person's silhouette. He didn't need to see her face to figure out it was a female. He knew it was hers though, so he didn't move; instead, he stayed. He remained, waiting for the horror that she would suddenly find out what had happened. Nevertheless, he didn't care. Just so long as it was Mikan.
He reached out a hand, as if somewhat trying to grasp her walking figure. 'She seems so far away…' he thought groggily, somewhat surprised that he has yet to pass out. But that whim never lasted long, because he welcomed unconsciousness with not so much as a struggle and grunt. When he passed out, he was sure the figure came running towards him, catching him as he falls.
When he came to, his head was carefully cradled on Mikan's thighs.
She was crying…
He knew that when her tears first cascaded down her porcelain cheeks and unto his face. He frowned and stared at her somewhat affectionately. His frown and sadness deepened when he felt her tears leak on his face, and she noted that.
Thinking he was annoyed, she squeaked, "I-I'm sorry…" she choked out between sobs and sniffs, "I can't help it…" she reached into her pocket and pulled out her handkerchief. Just as she was about to draw it near Natsume's now tear-streaked face, his placid words stopped her, as he held her hand in a firm but tender way, while intertwining his hand with hers.
"Don't… It's okay. Leave them." That statement almost brought her to tears. Again.
The sincerity in his voice left with her the hurting feeling of wanting to cry more…
She bit her lower lip as water started to fill her eyes. How can she hate him, and yet at the same time love him with all her heart? She grieved louder and harder. Harder than she could have ever imagined, and it was all because of him: Natsume.
"Stop crying. I'm… I'm not worth your tears…" A sad smile graced his blood-stained features as he reached his hand upward, wiping the tears and hurt away with every compassionate stroke.
She looked down at him. She stared at him with pools that seemed to shout pain and repentance. "Of course you are… Ever since we've met," she looked at him with her façade filled with love, "… every single tear I've shed was because of you. It was all for you, Natsume."
"You, of all people, should have known that by now."
His eyes widened in bewilderment at her seemingly subtle proposal. Him, of all people… He was sure of lots of things, but never that.
He understood her, and he loved her, for that matter. He loved her more than anything. He loved her more than everything, even more than his existence. To him, she meant more than life itself, and that's the reason why he's doing this.
He loves her so much… So much that it hurts to do so.
He loves her more than she'll ever know, and more than he'll ever be able to show or say. He never knew if she did, too, because she never mouthed it, but he understood that lot. He planned ahead.
He knew he had to be prepared for whatever is coming for loving her - and these were the consequences of love for him, because he was never granted that right—the right to love.
Sadly, he merely looked at her with his pain-filled features. "I make you cry…? I make you sad?" He breathed out, the words struggling to be heard amongst gasps and pants.
She sobbed more, but she never tore her amber gaze away from his crimson ones. "Yes, Natsume. You make me so sad and happy at the same time. I just don't know what to do… I don't know how to understand you…"
A soft grin crept unto his veneer as he slowly and agonizingly arched his back upward, nearing her face and all the while closing the distance before their lips had met. Carefully, her arms encircled his back, supporting his weight as they kissed. Their kiss was a living, breathing contradiction. It was gentle yet it felt erotic. It was full of life even though he was near death. It was pure bliss as they felt ecstasy, considering that she was grieving.
'I love you. I love more than anything else in this world. More than what everything meant to me, more than life itself. So please, grant me this selfish wish of mine…'
"One last time…" he mouthed it out with little air, hoping that she understood his heartfelt plea.
Natsume let out a wavering grunt as their lips slowly parted, wincing from the pain and stress he made his upper body endure. His breath came out as small gasps for air, but he forced himself to speak.
He waited until her attention was fixed on his. "Mikan…"
He waited patiently, she cried. He was in pain, she was engulfed the seas of sorrow.
"Mikan, I hate seeing you like this." He cupped her cheek with his free hand as amber collided with crimson pools. He laced his hand with hers, leaving a ruby-red ring sheathed in her palms. "So smile, Mikan," he panted out. "Smile for me—not at me—just this once."
His words had touched her deeply, so she complied. She granted his request because she knew he meant every word. And he knew that he meant them, too.
She drew out her handkerchief and wiped all visible and physical sorrows away, nevertheless, it was with traces still intact. This is a wound that will never heal. A cavernous chasm in her heart that will be kept as fresh as the day it once surfaced.
Keeping him in mind, that fateful night, Mikan smiled.
Mikan smiled; for him and only him.
She smiled even though tears washed her eyes and while her whole being wept. She smiled even though she hated him for doing this to her. She smiled, but all her actions betrayed her happiness. She smiled even though her heart said otherwise…
How can she grin at a time like this? She asked, yet she knew. She knew the answer very clearly; that how she can do this right now, is because she loves.
She smiled because she loved him. And she will keep doing so, until his passing and after his passing. She promised. She grinned for his sake, and grin until he died, taking that happy heart along with him, till nothing of it was left.
"Thank you for everything, Mikan." He closed his eyes as he, too, cried with her. 'I'm sorry. So, so sorry...' together, they grieved. His last few minutes of life were with her and now he can welcome death's grace.
"Don't forget me, Natsume."
"I won't. I could never even try to."
"Thank you…"
Their trembling voices came out barely a whisper, but through the still and cold night, they were heard. The moon illuminated the sakura tree, showering them with dim, silvery glow, their shadows left for a second, making each other see how much ache they're going through. How much hurt she's going to go through as long as she existed in this cruel world. How he wished he could take her along with him, or how she would take him and revive him the same.
The tears he once refused to shed reconciled. His eyes watered, his last few remaining words blended amongst the husky, chilling feeling the wind left.
"So much."
His few single drops of life ended along with his tears, but her hurt didn't. She continued to weep. She wept till she couldn't cry anymore. But, she never wanted to be this vulnerable. How much she hated to mourn, but her tears never faltered. No matter how much she willed, commanded… they never obeyed. Her tears lingered, along with his voice.
"Natsume…!" She felt so helpless without him. She has never felt so redundant in all her life.
"Answer me, Natsume… Please…"
She finished off half of it in her mind, very much aware that he couldn't hear her anymore. 'I still have to tell you "good bye"…'
"I… I love you…" But she knew it was too late.
"I love you."
As a lone droplet started its journey across her face, not ending everything. Never ending anything.
Once again setting another dream, another encounter, and another unrequited finale, their story's lives were just too remorseful.
"Everything has a beginning,
Everything comes to a stop…"
He whispered to her, but to no avail
And then there it had ended,
Painful,
As their last fairy tale
Perfection... it never lasts. Perfection will never last.
Things have been made,
Distances they couldn't reach,
And great walls they cannot climb,
For ever it remains with "Once upon a time..."
The poems here are supposed to help readers understand their (or her) situation clearly. These represent the 'past', referring to the cherished moments, and then what became of it after the awaited time.