Hello friends! well what can I say, I came up with this little jem, after I listened to Lilly Allen's "Fag Hag" it's really funny and it made me think about Camille and James and their friendship. I'll tell you what "Fag Hag" means so you don't get the wrong idea. A fag hag, is a girl and her gay best friend. She's the hag and he's well you know the fag. She's his go to girl, they do everything together. I didn't want to make James this flamboyant gay guy, so I hope that worked out well. But yeah, there is implied Jagan and Camille and that Steve guy. Anyways I know some of you are waitng for me to update like everything, but I've had writers block, espically with "You're On My Heart Just Like A Tattoo" but I'm getting over it. In the mean time I've been working on "Gangbang me tonight and shank me with your poison" part two, and that'll be up soon. Enjoy this lil thang, oh and Happy Birfday to that sexy Jew, James Maslow! L'chaim!
To Camille Roberts, James Diamond was her best guy friend. Despite their past of that one unfaithful kiss, Camille and James never felt any other feelings towards each other, other than friendship. She helped him when he was trying to prove that girl was a mermaid, she was his nurse when Logan stole his swagger. They auditioned for witches of Rodeo Drive together. James even gave up the chance to be the star of that movie because Camille didn't get the role and she was saddened.
Camille has been an angel sent by god to James. They've been through a lot together. James can never thank her enough when she was there by his side, wiping away his fallen tears when James came to terms with his homosexuality. She held his hand when he came out to his friends/family. She was even so kind as to hook James up with his now boyfriend, Logan Mitchell. James thought that would have been awkward considering the fact that Logan and Camille had dated before. Camille said she was tired of waiting around for Logan, and she was really starting to like Steve.
James and Camille have a lot of the same interests, such as the strive for fame, over dramatic personalities, they both like to get really into a character they're playing, they like to look good, shopping, talking about boys, watching John Hughes 80's movies. Dancing, singing along to Grease, Footloose and sometime even to Dak Zevon's musical. On days that the boys didn't have to be at the studio, or times when James and Logan weren't off doing certain things. James was either tanning by the pool or hanging out with his go to gal.
And we find the duo at a coffee shop in downtown LA. James brought two cups back to their table, one of hazel nut iced coffee and the other a mocha frappuccino.
"Thank you." says Camille taking a sip from the straw. James smiles and sits down across from her.
James takes a sip of his iced coffee, sighing contently as it goes down his throat. Camille giggles at this.
"So…how have you been James?." she mutters looking down at a magazine. James shrugs sitting back.
"Okay I guess. And yourself?."
"I've been excellent. I have two major auditions lined up this coming week." she beams.
"Really? What for." he inches closer. He always loves hearing about the next role the crazy brunette is taking on.
"Galactica, goddess of the planets and E.T. hottie." she holds her hands up for effect followed by laser noises.
"Ooo that sounds awesome. You sure that you're up for that?." he takes another sip of hid drink.
"Jamie, please you insult my talent. I was made for this role." her voice turns serious and she looks into space.
"Yeah you were made for the last four roles too." he says sarcastically. She gives an un-amused look.
"You got jokes pretty boy. But I'm defiantly taking this one home to momma."
"Mhhm, and the other role you're auditioning for?."
"Moonlight, Twi-blood."
"Oh with the hot werewolf?."
"That's the one. Awesome right. I mean just imagine it. Me acting side by side that ripped, tan hunk."
"I'm not going to be in that movie." says James teasingly. Camille shoots him another look, knowing all too well how James is.
"Funny. Anyways, what's up with BTR? When's the next album coming out?."
"I think by December it should be ready. Gustavo is actually letting us write a song each. Pretty cool right."
"Wow really? How'd that happen?."
"Beats me, but it doesn't even matter just as long as he sees that we can write good music too. I mean not to brag or anything, but I kinda have this really kick ass song."
"Really? What's it called?."
"I've yet to pick a title but once I have I'll let you know."
"One slice of apple pie and a slice of banoffee for uh James Diamond!." yells the worker. James perks up and walks over quickly grabbing the plates and hurrying back to Camille.
"Mmm this looks so delish," says Camille grabbing a black plastic fork.
"I know." mutters James looking down at his slice of banoffee pie. It has graham cracker crumbs, toffee filing, banana slices, whipped cream and topped off with more toffee filling. James got this delicious treat, and Camille opted for good ol' apple pie.
Before Camille can take a bite of her spoon James stops her.
"What?." she asks looking at his worried expression.
"Cam, do you know how many calories are in this?." he cringes just mentioning it. Camille seems to realize this.
"Damn, and it looked so good…should I throw them away?." they both look at each other. Fighting the will to not give in to temptation. To very sly smiles make their way to their lips.
….Nah!." they both say at the same time before digging in.
I like apple pie,
And you like banoffee.
"Mmm this is soooo goooood." says Camille stuffing her face. James nods and eagerly eats his banoffee. Camille is downing down her apple pie and James begins to lick the whipped cream off of the plate.
"Mmm so good, I'm such a fat ass oh-em-gee." his eyes roll to the back of his head, and Camille agrees giggling at all the whipped cream around his full cheeks.
"Forever fatasses…. They both agree and run up to the counter to order their next slices.
We both love shopping for furniture
And meeting for coffee.
They walk through IKEA. Looking at all the modernized furniture pieces. Each sharing their fantasies of their dream houses. James wants to live on a beach house, in Malibu right on the beach. And he even mentioned something about Logan putting in overtime at the hospital because he wants a Villa in Italy. Camille wants a cute "Cinderella" type cottage, with a beautiful garden full of daises, lilacs, roses and tulips. They jump on all the beds, couches, and oversized beanbags until they're forcibly kicked out by security. They both laugh endlessly as they make their way down the town.
We pretend we're into art galleries
'Cause it makes us feel clever.
They walk into an art gallery. Looking at the different pieces of art. They say they have meaning behind them, but all he and Camille see is blobs of paint, or mad artist taking their wrath out on the poor canvas.
"Hmm, Camille what do you think of this piece?." asks James, placing his fist under his chin. Camille walks over to him and the large painting. They both inspect it. Abstract?
"Hmm, when I see this, I see, I don't, hmmm. What do you see Jamez?." she copies his thinking pose.
"Hmm, I see a saddened unicorn. It's sad because it's the last one left on hello kitty land. You see his horn was slightly deformed and they ditched him. You kinda see how it looks like its head is bowed and he's crying?. " they both cock their heads to the side. Humming together.
"Hmm, you know what? I do. I totally see it. It's a sad unicorn, lost in a place of endless happiness. But yet, it's not happy."
"Whoa….that was real deep Cam."
"Quite."
"Yes, quite." they both feel eyes on them. Turning around slowly they're met with six or seven people looking at them like they're freaks. Camille and James laugh before moving on.
The sign says no flash photography. That didn't stop them from having a mini photo shoot. They posed next to the thinker. Copying his pose. They took pictures of pieces they thought would look good in their dream homes. They filmed each other. They broke a vase. And they ran out of there laughing with security right on their trail.
We're both in our element when we're on our knees
Whatever the weather
"Mmm, James, f-fuck, no wait just. Damn. Don't stop doing that."
"Okay, just, ungh. O-oh s-shit. C'mon, you're almost there."
"God dammit, ugh, almost there James! Keep doing that- ohh god yes, just like that!."
"Use your teeth!."
Pant, "My teeth you sure?."
"Yes, please James, I need this."
"Mmm, fuck almost there, so, so close."
"Hold still or I wont be able to, ngh."
"C'mon James! You can do it!."
"Shit, shit FUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!"
"Ohhhhh yeah that's it! Ugh James, mmmm, Jesus yes."
They both pant heavily, slumped against the wall. There foreheads shining with sweat. Two very goofy smiles on their faces.
"That was so….
"Yeah." panted James. Fixing his disheveled hair.
….uh, see told ya, you could do it."
"Yeah…
"Don't they look good on me?." she asks.
"Mhhm, for all that work I just did, those boots look good on you Camille, that zipper was really stuck. "
"Sure was. So should we go pay…?
I could be your fag hag
And you could be my gay
I'll never make you feel sad
When you come out to play
I could be your fag hag
And you could be my gay
I'll never make you feel sad
When you come out to play
We don't give a fuck
What people are thinking
When they see James and Camille walking down the street arm in arm, they immediately assume that they're a couple. Some people have even stopped to asked them. Others say "Oh what a cute couple" in which James and Camille break out laughing. When people ask what's so funny? Simple answer.
"We both like dick." they respond very seriously. Some people have given them ditty looks, others laugh with them and apologize for the mix up. Honestly James doesn't care if they give him dirty looks. He doesn't care that they tell him he has a beautiful girl hanging on his arm but yet he's chooses to be a queer. When this shit happens, Camille ties her hair up and makes James hold her purse and earrings. Then she goes hard as a mother on those jerks that pick on her fag. She's his hag and she'll protect him till the end, just as she know James will from pricks that hit on her.
I know you'll always look out for me
When we go out drinking
James has on occasion put a jerk in his place at the club. He looks after Camille like Kendall does to Katie. Like a big brother. Any guy tires to put their sleazy hands on her, James steps in a regulates. When Camille get's the stalker of the night, James has to take this guy out and teach him that no means no. he's even gotten beaten up a few times for "Cock Blocking" but in reality he's keeping the freaks that Camille can't seem to take on her own away. Camille does the same for him.
A bunch of guys try to take James out for a dance or offer him drinks. James accepts kindly to one dance and maybe a drink. Sometimes. But when the guys start to get too close for comfort, James backs away. The boys love James, they try to grind up on him. Try to grope him, take him to the bathroom to have their way with him. When the stubborn guys can't get it through their heads that James doesn't want to do anything with them, Camille steps in and tells them off and goes on a rant about how James is taken by the most wonderful man ever. They're not even half the man that Logan is. James grins proudly and watches the small girl scare away guys twice her size. They hold each others hair when they barf because they've had too much. That's love right there. Bestie love.
I can ask you things I can't ask anyone
And you'll give me direction
Apart from me, you're the only one that reads the travel section
Camille comes to James for a lot of things. Like once she came to James with a big problem.
"What's wrong bro?." Asks James as Camille plops down on the orange couch.
"A lot of things, home slice."
"Well tell Dr. James, he's filling in for Dr. Phil today."
I could be your fag hag
And you could be my gay
I'll never make you feel sad
When you come out to play
I could be your fag hag
And you could be my gay
I'll never make you feel sad
When you come out to play
"Okay….
"James?."
"Yeah?."
"Okay, I don't really know how to tell you this but ah-
"Oh god you're in love with Logan again aren't you!." he stands from the couch balling his fists and over towering the smaller brunette.
"What? No-
"I swear Rogers I will not hesitate to snatch a weave."
" James I'm not in love with Logan!."
"Okay…good."
" Yea- wait did you just say I have a weave?."
" Hehe, so how about those Yankees?."
She sighs and sits back down.
"Anyways the reason I came here was to ask you for some advice."
" Okay. Like what?."
"Well, I, feel like…I feel like I'm not you know…"Good enough" for Steve."
"Camille, if Steve makes you feel that way, then obviously he's not the right guy for you. I mean have you seen the guys hair? Or how about those earrings? Can you say U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi."
"No James-
" He puts the "whore" in horrifying."
" James stop-
"He puts the "ass" in massive."
"Stop it now!."
"The "lewd" in deluded."
"James!."
"The "itch" in bitch."
"JAMES DIAMOND YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW!."
"Jeez, is it that time of the month already?." he mutters. Camille looks pissed.
I could be your fag hag
And you could be my gay
I'll never make you feel sad
When you come out to play
"Damn it! Do you ever know when to be quiet." she begins to rub her temples. James shrugs and goes back to watching his documentary on hair care.
"No James, when I said I didn't feel good enough for him, I meant in bed."
"Oh? Why?"
" I dunno, I just, he seems so, stiff when we're getting intimate." she blushes.
"Stiff as a board?."
She nods.
"Okay, what exactly are you doing to him that makes him become "Stiff"
" Silencio gay man, that's kind of confidential."
"Camille, you're going to have to tell me if you want me to help." he reasons.
She sighs.
"Okay, well he's asked me to um blow him…she trails off burning crimson. James smiles at her shyness.
"And well, I think I'm not doing it right. What do you and Logan usually do?"
"Well we start off, with intense foreplay. Then I kiss my way down his chest, making sure to tease him a bit. Then I rub him, pull it out, and go down on him. You have to know just how to work your tongue. Are you using tongue?."
Camille didn't know what was more embarrassing. The fact that James is so comfortable telling her what he and his boyfriend do in private or the fact that he just asked her that question.
"James let's not put the "duh" in dumb, because that question was dumb. Of course I use tongue, that's kind of the point."
"Okay sassy Mc sassy pants. I'm just saying. You also have to be sure not to use so much teeth. Maybe that's what you're doing wrong? Maybe you're using your teeth too much. You could be like shredding his dick and you wouldn-
"Okay you know what! I'm done with this conversation. TMI dude. This is too much information you're handing out bro! I give, this is redic, insane, cookoo bananas! I'll see you tomorrow by the pool for some tan actch, and mimosas!" she grabs her purse and stomps to the door.
" Kay love you too hag!."
"See ya later fag!." she slams the door. James shakes his head.
"That girl will be the death of me….I wonder what Logy is up to? Ohhhhhh Logay!
I could be your fag hag
And you could be my gay
I'll never make you feel sad
When you come out to play.