I don't own shit and I haven't written in forever.
Cam discovers Michelle's journal, invades her privacy, and reads her most personal thoughts. The horrors she reads about dealing with her newly adopted daughter kills her inside.
I've been dating Jon for a year now..this feeling inside I cannot stand. When I first met him he told me he had an eating disorder and that he was ashamed of his body. I didn't see that as a problem for me. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could help him. I could make a difference in his life, I was wrong. It has been a constant battle with him and I'm afraid I am losing. Being around him has made it worse. The underlying thoughts I had before have grown and they will not go away. I can't stop thinking about it. Every day for the past year I've listened to Jon complain saying that he is fat, that his muscles are too weak, and that he needs to restrict, that he needs to stop eating. At first it wasn't bad, my mind focused around him and what I could do. As the months grew on I could no longer withstand the pressure. I can't eat without thinking that I'm fat, that I need to exercise and that I'm so ugly but if I can just lose this amount I can be thin again. I fear I am developing an ED like Jon…
"OH MY GOD, Michelle…why haven't I noticed this…ok take deep breaths Camille, this is another step of parenting. You can handle this" Cam whispered to herself. Her heart rate increased the more and more she read the more and more terrified she became.
I saw Jon today, he pushed me around and almost hit me.
"I swear to god I'll kill him"
He noticed I lost around 10 lbs…he just doesn't understand. I can't tell him. I won't tell him. He can be as mad at me as he wants to be. Losing the 10 lbs were not related to being thin…I told one of my best friends this and all he could say was don't lie. You know that's not how it went. He didn't believe me, no one ever does. So why should I even try to defend myself anymore? Steve came over with Henry to hang out when Cam was busy at work. Everything was going perfectly, they were my best friends. Henry left to go meet up with his boyfriend and me and Steve kept playing. The video games stopped when Steve straddled me and took out his dick. He told me to suck it, I resisted. I told him to get off, that I didn't want to do this. Nothing worked. Before I knew what was happening he shoved it in my mouth…I started to cry. I was so upset and there was nothing I could do. He bent me over and raped me…he came inside of me. I freaked out. I over exercised, I ate the bare minimal, I did everything I could to ensure that I was not pregnant. I could never tell Jon. He'd say the same thing…that I wanted it, that I was a liar. Before long I had a miscarriage…I hate myself so much.
"…Michelle..why didn't you tell me…I'm going to kill Steve. He'll go to jail. He'll be destroyed when I'm Done with him! Oh god, I'm a terrible mother…I should have seen this, I should have helped her.." Cam's guilt and blame is projected onto herself.
Jon is noticing more and more the amount of weight I am losing. The stress and the pressures I cannot bear anymore. I want to hit my prime weight. Once I am there I will stop for good. Only 4 more lbs. I can do this. Jon is threatening to not eat…I don't know what to do…the ED only suffices for some things…I fear I have turned to something much worse than a mere eating disorder…
The look of pure terror and anxiety on Cam's face causes the journal to fall from her hands and onto the floor. "She stopped writing, I wonder, please don't let it be…maybe I'll confront her? And lose her trust all together? No, I'll hint at small things. First her eating disorder, then the next thing. Maybe she will write more and when she goes to school I can look? "The thoughts filling Cam's head are unbearable. How did she let her daughter become this person? The guilt building inside causes Cam to fall to the floor. This is all MY fault….