His head was spinning. This was wrong-unquestionably so. Wrong beyond belief, and yet he couldn't bring himself to stop. Of course, when had he ever been one to differentiate, really? Regretably, he couldn't think of an instance as of late in which he had, not to a notable extent. He was a man of cowardice, deception; morality wasn't exactly his middle name, even if there were a handful of lines he wouldn't cross.
He couldn't shake the feeling that he was crossing one of those lines in a way now, though. This boy, how old was he? His life had barely begun, and here he was, stealing everything he had under the pretense of some deep feelings. He did love him. He loved him more than anything he had left in the shattered remnants he'd made of his life. But, it was a selfish kind of love, in the end, the man knew. If he really wanted what was best for Jude, he would take his hands off of him right now, he would send him on his way even if it felt like the countless daggers he'd placed in others' backs suddenly were turned on him.
The med student cuddled up close to him, his cheeks still red in the familiar bashful way they got when they would lay together like that. "I love you," Alvin murmured with a drowsy grin. Oh, how his head was spinning.
"I-I love you too." He received a shy kiss on his lips, his heart racing again suddenly at the gesture. He'd replied so quickly, so easily...
'You're a cruel bastard, you know,' he kicked himself mentally. There wasn't a doubt in his mind at all that his blushing companion meant what he'd said one-hundred percent; Jude didn't make a habit of lying.
'You deserve so much better,' he wanted to say so desperately. 'You don't know the half of it, kid, so just go.' He should have said it. He should have said it.
But, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Not now. Probably not ever. Maybe someday he might live up to what the boy saw in him-what a joke that was. He nearly laughed at the idea of him ever being able to redeem himself. He was nothing more than a coward, and as far as he could see, that was all he'd ever be.