I had it once.
That feeling of belonging.
The feeling that told me that I wasn't alone.
That I was wanted.
That I mattered.
But it's gone now.
Everything is gone.
I lost it somewhere.
I don't even know where.
There wasn't even an instant when it happened.
It just... did.
Over the course of weeks,
months,
years.
It all vanished.
I lost everything.
--
It has to be easier like this...
Not being able to feel anything anymore.
The pain is gone, true...
But so is everything else.
I've lost it all.
--
Why should I want to feel anything?
No pain is better then unending agony, right?
Sure, the pain let me know I was alive,
but I'd rather wonder if I'm even alive then live with the pain.
Wouldn't I?
--
I can't take it anymore...
This is so much worse then the pain,
the unending lack of everything.
It's not even cold here.
Not hot.
Nothing.
--
It's worse,
so much worse.
I want the pain back.
I want to feel the loneliness,
the sorrow,
the mournful ache,
all of it.
Anything but the lack of sensation.
--
This isn't fair.
I stare at the slashes so deeply carved into my wrists.
I am even denied physical pain.
I truly feel nothing anymore.
I am truly in hell.
Hell isn't fire and brimstone.
It isn't pain and fire and scorching, burning, torment.
It's emptiness.
A void.
Nothingness.
Eternal and immortal.
Infinite and all encompassing.
--
Death is better then this living hell.
At least then there is no awareness.
At least then I won't be able to tell the difference.
All I seek now is rest.
The peaceful and eternal rest of death.
But that is denied to one such as I.
No, for all the evil and fear the surrounds me, I am still a valuable tool.
Far to valuable to loose to such an easy escape.
--
I would laugh if I could.
They still see value in my retched life.
I find that amusing.
As much as one without feeling can.
For they are the reason I am like this.
They took away everything that ever gave my life meaning,
yet still assign value to me.
Irony, ne?
--
Escape.
Is it worth the cost.
I can easily avoid any poor hunter they send.
I have so many places to hide.
The look on their faces alone would be worth it.
But it still would not solve my problem.
--
Even the last remnants of the demon, the never ending ghosts of taunting fails to raise a reaction anymore.
I just sit and stare at the unending desert.
They come and try to help.
The few that still care.
The few that ever cared.
The ones that I have come to acknowledge as my 'siblings'.
They try...
and they fail.
--
Over and over they come.
Over and over they fight the un-winnable fight.
But still they try.
And for the briefest hint of a moment, I am touched.
For the barest hint of a point in time, I am grateful.
And it's kept me sane.
--
They've called in reinforcements.
Being allies with Konoha has it's advantages.
Konoha's number one hyperactive knuckled-headed ninja.
The green beast of Konoha.
The only two people I have ever called 'friend'.
My siblings have begged for them to help.
It won't work.
It can't work.
I secretly hope it does.
--
I must say, I would have found the imitation of a squirrel funny at one time.
But now it's kindles nothing.
Although Naruto finds it so amusing that he laughed himself right off the side of the building.
Lee tries in vain to make me laugh, scowl, grin, frown, anything.
Nothing happens.
But Lee is Lee, and he never gives up.
He even tries to elicit a response through manual labor, his favorite kind of labor.
Not even so much as a twitch.
But Lee is Lee, and he never gives up.
Naruto said he'd take over for a while, just so Lee could eat and think of some new methods.
But I know the truth.
He wants to talk to me.
Alone.
Because only he can begin to understand what I am going through.
He's been there before, so only he really has a chance.
--
Why?
That's all he said, once Lee had dissapeared off to his favorite curry stand.
Why?
I stare into the unending desert.
Why?
Slowly, ever so slowly, I turn to look at him.
There are tears in his eyes.
Why do you do this to yourself?
I blink, slowly, serenely, and say the only thing I can.
I don't know.
What happened to you Gaara?
I don't know.
I can't remember.
Kami, I wish I could.
But it's blank, all blank.
Everything, blank.
It's gone.
Then let me help you remember.
How?
I don't know. But I'll find a way.
You can't.
Can't is for quitters. And I never give up.
Poor naive little Naruto. You can't always fix everything.
But this isn't everything. You are you. And I know that I can help you, just like you helped me.
What about Lee?
He tried, and his way failed. What I think you need more then any 'cheering up' is to feel loved again.
I was never loved. Just tolerated.
You're wrong, yanno. You are loved, even now.
Prove it.
We're here, aren't we. Me, Lee, your siblings. He nodded at the stylized jackal a few feet away and I notice them standing behind it, watching. We love you, and we always will. No matter what you do, we'll always be here, with you.
I see the truth in his words. He wouldn't have traveled all the way here if he didn't at least care.
Naruto.
Yes?
I think...
I think I understand.
He smiled.
And the light returned to my world.
I turned at the shout from Lee as he bounded back onto the roof, carrying a bag of takeout for all of us.
His foot slips on the tiles...
...he falls flat on his face...
...and I laugh.