All The Things Lost
The darkness was overwhelming. Regina lay in her bed, staring into the pitch black nothingness that was all around her. She felt it eating away at her insides too, consuming her soul and filling her already tainted heart. She bit her lip as she sobbed, trying not to make any noise that would wake her sleeping son in the next room.
For the past two weeks after returning from their trip to New York, Emma, Snow and Charming had been staying with Regina every night. And every night, Regina had insisted that they leave, that she was ok, that she was a fully grown adult and didn't need babysitting. Snow and Charming had stayed in the guest room adjacent to Regina's bedroom, and Emma had slept on the sofa in the living room.
"We just don't want you to be alone. Let us take care of you. We won't stay forever, just until were happy that you are alright." Snow had reassured Regina.
"I'm fine." was Regina's response. She hated that they were treating her like a child who can't take care of themselves. Invading her private space when they weren't needed or wanted. But, of course, Snow was adamant that they were staying.
Regina didn't want to get emotional infront of them, didn't want to appear weak or vulnerable. She wanted to prove them wrong and for them to go back to their own homes. So for two weeks she had held it together. It had been tough, and Regina had caught herself having to bite her tongue or pinch her skin on a few occasions, to stop herself from crying. Eventually, Emma had left, telling Snow and Charming to come too. They, however, stayed an extra three days. When they finally left, it had been reluctantly, and Snow promised Regina that she would come over at any hour if Regina needed her to.
"Snow, I'm ok. Really I am. Thank you though. It's been nice having you here." Regina lied. She hugged Snow and Charming goodbye and shut the door. Peace at last.
Tonight was the first night she had truly been alone. The first night she was allowing herself to cry and allowing herself to try and process what had happened earlier that month. Robin had sacrificed himself for her, shielding her from Hades and paying the ultimate price. His life. He was gone. Regina played Hades' words over and over again in her head. No underworld, no moving on. One minute you exist, and the next you don't. That was it. It was permanent. Robin was never going to come back. The realisation seemed to hit her all at once, and Regina couldn't hold back her cries any longer. Still conscious of Henry in the next room, she rolled over and forced her face into her pillow, crying big, heart wrenching sobs.
The pain cut deep as she thought about him and all of the things they had wanted to do. All of the plans they had made for their future that would now never see the light of day. Just a week prior to his death, they had drank a little too much wine and discussed the possibility of marriage. Robin was keen on making Regina his wife as soon as he had his daughter back and had sorted things out with Zelena. Regina had become emotional and reminded Robin that they would never be able to concieve a child, something which Robin had admitted was upsetting but reasurred Regina that there were other options.
"We could always adopt? I know how badly you want to carry a child, love, but sometimes these things just aren't meant to happen. Maybe you were destined to save another child and give them a much needed home and a loving family. Please don't be upset." Robin had comforted Regina, hugging her tightly and stroking her hair, placing soft little kisses on her forehead.
Thinking back to this evening, Regina almost felt her heart tear in two. Her grief took over her whole body, it ached with sorrow as she continued to cry. She thought about how she would never get to marry her soulmate, never adopt a child with the man she so deeply loves. Robin was her future, and she had lost all of it. She had lost everything. As Regina continued to think about Robin, her head was flooded with memories of him, images of his face, reminding her that she would never get to touch him again. She would never get to hold him in her arms, feel the warmth of his touch or the softness of his skin. She would never get to feel his lips against hers again, never be able to lose herself completely in the passion and fire that lit every time they kissed or made love. She would never again be able to look into those beautiful brown eyes or rest her head on his chest as they slept, listening to his heartbeat and feel so content and happy.
"Why is this happening?" Regina shouted into her pillow. Why can't I just be happy for once.
Next, Regina's thoughts turned to Roland and Robyn. Those two precious little humans who would never see their father again. And Robin, who would never get to see them grow up. Roland had left with Little John and returned to the Enchanted Forest, something which Regina was still angry about, as she wishes she could have said goodbye to him, held onto him for one last moment. Regina felt guilty as she realised that although she had lost her partner, those two children had lost their father. She was not the only one in pain. Robin had touched so many people's lives and helped so many, he was going to be missed by hundreds. But no one knew him like me. Regina allowed her selfishness to take hold. By now, her crying had somehow managed to intensify, even though there were barely any tears left in her body.
Closing her eyes, Regina inhaled deeply and felt herself shaking. Memories of little moments between herself and Robin came next, and Regina welcomed them, trying to savour every last one. She thought about the stupid things like petty arguments they had had, and then the amazing make-up sex that always followed. It was always worth it. Regina let a giggle out as she admitted to herself that sometimes she started a fight just so she could get the heated apology. She remembered the walks that they had taken, the dates that had sometimes been disastrous, the flirtatious banter that Robin always seemed to be providing, the sweet little gifts he had bought her. Robin was so sentimental, always trying to make Regina happy. Smiling through the tears, Regina grasped on to the memory of Robin's voice. He had such a way with words. In her head, she tried to pick out a favourite thing that Robin had said to her, but it was an impossible task. Instead, she favoured the fact that his words had always made her blush, even after all of their time together, he never failed to make her heart leap. In Robin's company, Regina had always felt loved and wanted, something which she had craved for so long. But now that was gone too.
She had lost so much. Not only had she lost Robin, she had lost everything that came with him. All of the joy and happiness. The light in her life. It was all gone.
"Mom?" Regina heard her bedroom door creak open. Oh shit, I woke him up.
Regina tried to soften her cries and wiped furiously at her tears. "Henry! Dear, i'm so sorry if I woke you. I'm ok, please go back to bed."
Henry ignored his mother's words, and climbed into bed with her, snuggling up close and wrapping him arms around her stomach. He didn't speak for a minute, just held her tightly. Regina instantly felt herself calm down, as she rested one hand on Henry's back, pulling him closer, and the other on his head, stroking his hair.
"You're not alone, mom. You can get through this." Henry whispered into Regina's t-shirt.
A single tear escaped Regina's eye as she felt a flicker of happiness and hope. He's right. I'm not alone. I have him.
"Thank you, Henry." Regina nuzzled her nose into Henry's hair and placed a kiss on the top of his head.
She may have lost so much, but she had not lost everything. As she closed her eyes and tried to settle herself to sleep, Regina's last thought was of how lucky she was to have Henry. He was going to get her through this. Just as she was drifting off, Regina heard Henry speak,
"Goodnight, mom. And goodnight Robin, wherever you are."
Sniffling, Regina followed with "Goodnight Henry. Goodnight thief. I love you both."