To my best friend and un-twin twin, kaze senju the wolfwarrior girl. I hope you accept this fun fanfic as a birthday gift-or belated birthday gift I should say. I hope it's funny enough for you. And to the readers, I tell you this now. IT'S A PARODY, MEANT TO BE A SILLY FUNNY ONE. If not to your liking, then fine. However I will not tolerate flamers.

Agony! For La Bella!

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom, there lived a special maiden who went by the name Isabella 'Bella' Swan. Or La Bella as most called her.

What made her special was puzzling, for the maiden was no princess or lady, coming from a simple lower-class family. She also didn't possess any talent so to speak. Though she was an avid reader, she wasn't that bright. Though her mother was a celebrated dancer, the dancing gene didn't pass over to her daughter.

So what was it that the made La Bella so special? So captivating?

Was it her looks? Chocolate brown hair, straight as a board, with hints of red that appeared when the sun hit her just right. Big, doe eyes the same shade as her hair, a dark brown color that pretty but often glazed with confusion when they looked to you, as if you interrupted a private moment between her and a person only she could see. Plump, bright strawberry-red lips that looked as if she spent the long days eating the fruit. Pale skin creamy white and fair, only a shade away from vampire porcelain.

Her utterly, body-bruising klutziness that was often evidenced through the scraps and bumps printed onto her skin some found endearing? Particularly her knees that suffered each time the maiden's high-heeled shoes got caught in a speck of dust, causing her to make a less than graceful splat to the ground.

Her heavy gulps of air gasped in between a string of words; hastily inhaled and exhaled that was apparently charming to the general public?

Whatever it was, men were drawn to La Bella like moths to a flame, finding her vacant eyes alluring and her awkward, klutzy exterior fascinating. When the maiden's sixteenth birthday approached, suitors of all kind, ranging from lord to king, age to race, creature to species, came near and far for her hand.

Prince Mike of Austria came to her house with hundreds of boxes containing the most beautiful dresses made from the finest silk, sure that he secured himself a bride. But the maiden declined the gift, claiming she detest fancy dresses, preferring simplicity. The prince left with his tail hanging between his legs.

Prince Aro of Verona, Italy ventured through the fierce, narrow seas. He presented the maiden the hearts of his brothers, ones he personally carved out himself. He was sure that it would win her over, prove that he was willing to do anything for her, even harm or kill. It took a half dozen frightened villagers and seven chains to send him back to his ship.

Nearly a year went by and not a single proposal was accepted. Almost every single suitor was rejected. Except for two.

Lord Edward Mason Cullen, who was so stunned by the fair maiden that he nearly wept. The morning he came across La Bella, his eyes landing on her as his carriage passed by the marketplace, the most painful pressure he ever felt shot straight to his groin, building between his legs, tightening his pants.

"The moment I saw you," he rasped breathlessly as he arrived on her doorstep. He tried staying away from her. His resistance only lasted three days. "I wanted to possess you. Claim you. Bury myself so deep within your skin, your flesh becomes my warm blanket."

Any other maiden would have been alarmed or cautious at least, especially with that last bit. La Bella, on the other hand, pressed her hand against her heart and stared at him in awe.

"Oh Edward."

"I tried to resist, but I can't anymore," His eyes swept across her profile, staring at the low-cut neckline of her dress and her jugular. "You're like my own personal brand of heroine."

It didn't seem possible but her heart swooned even more.

Unfortunately for Lord Edward, the maiden couldn't accept his proposal. Not yet. She needed more time to think. It was a decision that was further delayed by the appearance of another suitor seeking her hand.

The Blacks have always been friends with the Swans, going back generations. The young Black heir has been infatuated with La Bella since they were children. He dreamt of courting her, raising a large family with many pups with her, growing old together. Those dreams were threatened by the sight of a cold leech standing on her porch, his arms entangled around her.

"He's a monster!" Jacob snarled the next day as he met her in the fields. It was a spot they often escaped to when they were little. He figured that was the best spot to tell her how he felt, and to warn her about Cullen.

"No," Bella shook her head. "He isn't. He's just misunderstood."

"There's nothing misunderstanding about him, Bells. He's a monster. A monster that can easily rip you into pieces without even trying. He's unstable."

"You're one to talk about unstable, Black," Their heads swerved. Edward appeared from the shadows, his skin clear and flawless like diamonds. "Need I remind you about your cousin, Sam, and what he did to his wife?"

Snarling at the intruder, Jacob charged. Bella quickly got in between them, pushing (or at least attempting) them apart.

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" she cried. All the stress flew to her head, rendering her breathless. It took minutes and multiple gasps in order for her to regain her breath. "I." Breath. "Can't." Breath. "Deal." Breath. "With." Breath. "This." She waved her hands frantically to her flushed face. "This is giving me anxiety."

Edward grabbed her hand and kissed it, much to Jacob's disgust. "Forgive me, my sweet lamb. I didn't mean to cause you pain."

"Me neither." The glare in the young werewolf's eyes softened as he turned to her. "I would never do anything to hurt you."

"Are you saying that I would?" Edward challenged.

"If the fang bites."

"Boys!" Bella exclaimed. Warmth colored her cheeks. She felt her anxiety levels rising. "Stop! You need to give me time."

Time was what the fair maiden requested. Time was what the two suitors gave her, though it was an element they grew to despise almost as much as they did each other. One that dragged onto days, then weeks, nearing months.

Each time Edward passed La Bella in the marketplace, the bookshop, or watched her from the tree outside her bedroom window as she slept or changed, it was harder and harder to fight against the urges screaming for her body, her flesh.

Everytime Jacob saw her, smiling at others she passed by, requesting for more time after he approached her, his inner wolf whimpered in anguish. When he spotted that bastard crept out her bedroom window before dawn, his inner wolf was reduced to a weeping puppy.

He decided it was time for him to make his move.

"You can't keep doing this to me, Bella," he told her. She was stunned by her early-morning visitor, but he quickly spoke before she could get a word out. "You can't keep toying with my feelings like this. You need to decide and need to do it right now."

She bit her lip. He was spilt between the need to tell her to release it and bite it himself. "You know I don't mean to hurt you."

"Really?" he snapped. He couldn't contain the sharp bite that ripped through his teeth, even if it caused her to whimper slightly. "Because it sure looks that way."

Tears pooled those chocolate brown eyes he loved so much. "I'm just confused. There's you. You're so good. So warm. And loyal, almost like a puppy. I know you'll never forsaken me."

He took a step closer to her, but didn't touch her. Not yet. "But…"

She took in a deep breath as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Edward is so…beautiful. Like a diamond in the sky."

A brow arched questioningly.

Oblivious to his bafflement, she continued on, "He's beautiful. So tormented. So brooding. So complex."

"He's a monster, Bella."

"Perhaps." She shrugged, tears rolling down her cheeks.

She called them both to her house the next day.

"I know you both love me. And I know you want me to choose," Hopeful smiles lifted their lips. They quickly collapsed as the next words spilled from her lips. "But I can't."

"Why?"

"I don't understand."

"I love you both and it's hard for me to choose."

Jacob's mouth dropped. Edward rushed forward, but a shaky hand stopped him.

"Bella please," he begged, his sorrowful voice sadder than usual. More pained. "Don't do this."

"I'm not rejecting you," she told him, wringing her tear-soaked handkerchief. "I'm just confused. I'm often that way. I can't help it."

"What can we do?" Jacob asked.

Chocolate brown eyes glanced from one man to the other. She bit that bottom lip that looked so sweet to them. After minutes of thinking, she finally took in another breath and said with a simple, one-shoulder shrug. "I need more time to think."

The request was painful to them both.

Jacob left her house in sadness and confusion. La Bella asked for more time, even though that was what they've already been giving her. He couldn't understand why she couldn't make her mind, recognize that he was the best choice for her.

It didn't make-

His train of thought was interrupted by the swift slash of pain whipping his head to the opposite direction.

Stunned, he cupped his cheek and looked at his opponent. His eyes cut to the white silk glove clenched in his hand.

"Did you just smack me with your glove?"

The slap delivered to his other cheek, courtesy of the offending glove, answered his question.

Jacob slowly turned his head back, his dark eyes blazed with fiery hatred.

"La Bella deserves only the finest, pup," The leech spat the name with such disgust. "A monster I may be, I clearly can give her that. What can you possibly offer?"

"Warmth for one," Jacob snapped. Edward snarled. He ignored him. "She wouldn't have to change for me. Can you say the same for yourself?"

Edward scowled and leaned close to him. "Wuthering Woods. Sunrise."

"See you there."

The two met in battle at the heart of the woods at early down. Jacob arrived first, armed with multiple daggers. Edward walked over to him, the shiny sweaty crystals beaming from his body.

"Put the weapons away, boy," he said to the younger man. "You won't be needing them."

So he wanted to play that way? Fine. If he wanted fists, Jacob was more than happy to deliver. He tossed his daggers aside. "I love Bella."

Edward scoffed, sparing him a look that was barely a glance, shaking his head. "I highly doubt that."

"Why's that?"

"What you feel for her is a mere spark to the vast, firestorm of passion burning inside my soul."

"What soul? You don't have a soul." The leech gave him a hard, harsh glare that could weaken a tree into a weeping willow. Jacob wasn't the least bit intimidated. "I can't understand how Bella can even think about being with someone like you." Before he could be told off, he silenced him with a raised hand, staring off into space. "More importantly, I can't understand why she wouldn't want to be with someone like me."

Multiple reasons flew to Edward's mind, more than a hundred. But he didn't voice a single one. One look into his opponent's eyes, seeing that he was miles away, he knew it would only be a waste of breath.

"I didn't abuse her. Or show her disdain-quite the opposite in fact," Jacob added. "And yet she runs from me. How shall I regain the heart she has won from me?"

"Agony!" he screamed to the sky. "For La Bella! The one thing I want is the same thing out of my reach."

Edward, much to his amazement, found himself in agreement with his rival. La Bella was his redemption and temptation rolled into one, though mostly the latter. It was as if she were a weapon made from the Devil himself meant to destroy him, to condemn him.

And he couldn't find himself to care-much. He couldn't resist her. He couldn't pull away. Pulling away as almost as painful as peeling his eyes away as he watched her sleep. Or change.

"High in her tower," he mused softly. "Sits by the hour, maintaining her hair." He could see it now. La Bella klutzily moving around her room, bumping into various objects as she untangled the knots of her hair, changing into multiple dresses till she found the right one and settled into bed. "Peacefully sleeping, her body wringing, frequently moaning Edward-Edward-Edward," With a pelvis thrust of his hips, unknowingly causing several birds to flinch and look away, he chanted. "Edward-Edward."

The image was so vivid, so glorious; he was brought to his knees, tears streaming down his pointed, glistening cheeks.

"Agony!" Grabbing a fistful of his shirt, he tore the material off, revealing nothing but skin and bones to the world. "For La Bella!"

Behind the pained men, the small birds hanging by the tree, witnesses to the agonizing moment, fell into a dead heap. One by one, dropping onto the ground like flies. The skeletal, sweaty-appearing bare skin was too much for them to handle.

"The girl must be mad," Edward whispered. "Or a demon from hell."

The force of a rock slamming into the back of his head jarred him back to the present. He turned. Jacob glared at him.

"You know nothing of madness," he shot. He snuck a peek at the bony figure and shuddered, his stomach churning. "Or muscle for that matter."

"You know nothing of love, little boy."

"Don't I?" Jacob challenged. "I know enough that what they say is a lie. Love is not a bite or a sting. It's agony. Agony, agony, agony." To emphasize his point, the young man took apart his shirt, ripping it piece by piece, till it was shreds lying by his feet. "Agony!"

At the sight of the glorious bronze skin and toned muscle, the fallen birds who were on the brink of death by Edward's lacking display rose from the ground, lifting into the air.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" they sang, their voices beautiful as a angel choir. "Deliciousness."

"Can it!" Edward grabbed the rock Black tossed at him, throwing it at the pesky creatures.

He turned back to Black. The damned mongrel had the nerve to smirk at him, as if he already won.

"Agony!"

"Misery!" Edward snapped. "Though it's different for me."

"Not so much from thy," Jacob told him. "We're both under the spell of a bewitching maiden. Agony for La Bella. The love we feel for her cuts like a knife-"

"A painful knife."

Unfazed, Jacob went on, saying "And we both want her as our wife."

"I need her!"

"As do I!"

"Then what do we do?"

Jacob looked at him, his left brow arching slightly, head cocking to the side, as he studied him.

The next thing Edward knew, the boy slammed against him, knocking him onto his back, sending them down the hill.

"I want La Bella!"

"I shall claim her as my own."

"Over my dead body."

"Agony!"

As the two rolled down the hill, exchanging punches and insults, two familiar princes who caught the sound of the argument came to investigate.

"Dear brother," Rapunzel's prince asked. "did those two men just steal our thunder?"

"Yes, brother," Cinderella's prince answered, his usually-smiling lips turning into a frown. "I believe they did."

"Oh," the whimsical sign brought their attention to the right. Rapunzel's prince turned but saw nothing from his sightless eyes. Cinderella's prince, who was his brother's eyes, saw a brunette who appeared out of nowhere. She wiped her tears with the sleeve of her dress. "Isn't it romantic? They're fighting over me. I love them so."

A thick, dark eyebrow shot high, close to his hairline. "Bitch, this ain't your woods."

"Or theirs." The blind prince pointed down below where the two suitors were punches and bites away from putting each other into their graves.

Hope this brought a lot of laughs. Please review. I'd love to know what you think