Diaries.
Part 1 – When darkness arises.
Spoilers for the whole game.
No, those wonderful characters do not belong to me. If they did, I would not be there, writing these stuff. I would live in a marvellous villa in St Tropez, admiring the fantastic view...Anyway this is but a dream. So these characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. I do not make any benefits with my poor stories so please do not bother me!
The story contains some shônen ai.
The hero's name is Lexeï.
The story (if you can call this stuff a story) is quite lame and stupid. ^^;;
I have no beta-reader for this part…Sorry. If you notice mistakes then just tell me. I usually write in french (I am French after all) so there might be a lot.
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Each part stands for a different character: Hero first, then Nanami, then Klaus, Hero again, then Nanami, then Klaus and so on.
Huh? Oh yeah, there will be other parts...How many? How am I suppose to know? What? Because I am the friggin' author? Who told you I was? Oh...It is written on top? Really? So...I am the author...You sure? Why do you say I am stupid?? Because I am really?...Oh...
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July, 29th
Nanami sometimes has very weird ideas. Today is my birthday and she offered me this diary. She said I was supposed to confide all my most intimate thoughts to it...She added I had to treat it like a person, therefore I will try to do so.
My name is Lexeï, and I am now fifteen years old. My only family is my sister Nanami and she is sixteen. She is quite a strong girl and I know I can always rely on her. She always want to protect me and she worries so much for me...I do not know if I deserve such attention. I mean, I am no one special!
I also have my best friend Jowy. He is two years older than me. He is clever, mature and very good-looking. That is the reason why he is so popular with girls. I must admit I have always envied him somehow. I hope that one day I will be like him...
These two people are the most important for me. I would do anything for them because I love them so much. I do not want to loose them...
Well, and as for you...You are from now on my official diary! As a result I will share my secrets with you and I will also tell you about how life is for me...Okay?
Lexeï.
August, 10th
Wah! Today I have great news!!! Jowy and I were recruited to join the Unicorn Brigade of Highland army!! I cannot believe it...Nanami is a bit worry (as usual) but she says nothing. However I know she totally disapproves of it...
Well it is late now, I guess I should go to bed.
Good night.
August, 23rd
It has been a while since I last wrote. I think I should apologize for having neglected you!
Anyway Jowy and I train very hard. He is a pretty good fighter, you know. He is so much better than I will ever be. I really envy him but at the same time I am very proud of being his friend. I wonder what he thinks about me actually. He is always so quiet and reserved. He rarely talks about feelings. But I suppose it is his way to be.
August, 26th
I do not really want to write but it is the only way I found to enlighten the burden that weighs on my heart... Today was a bad day...I do not know how to explain what I feel...It is so confusing, so disturbing.
This afternoon we were free since there was no training. I thought that I could visit Nanami for a bit. I looked for Jowy as well. I wondered if he would like to go too. As I was leaving, a boy approached me.
His name is Karu. If I remember rightly his parents owns a little shop near Jowy's house. What he said completely stunned me. He wanted a date with me! He went on with how cute I was when I smiled and other things I do not remember. I think I was blushing crimson when I understood what he meant. The problem was that I did not want to go out with him. The strangest idea occured to me: I would rather go out with Jowy. I still do not understand why I thought that. As for Karu he looked angry. According to rumors I have heard, no one had ever refused to go on a date with him. Consequently I was the first to reject him. Then he tried to kiss me! I pushed him away. He called me an idiot and just left me there.
I decided to continue my search for Jowy. When I found him, I was competely petrified. He was kissing someone, he was kissing a boy, he was kissing Karu...the boy who was courting me a few minutes ago. I felt betrayed by Jowy. I could not even speak, so I just walked away. Why I reacted that way, I will never know. The sight of Jowy and Karu together made my blood boil...I had felt horribly jealous...and hurt.
I think I need some fresh air.
September, 15th
Today we are leaving Kyaro. I am a bit anxious; I have never left my hometown before. I hope everything will be alright... Nanami came here to say good bye. It was so sad. I felt her grief even behind her brave and bright smile. She is such a nice sister.
I try to avoid Jowy as much as possible. I am still a bit uneasy with what happened. I do not know how to deal with it...
I should finish packing my things or else I will be late. Do not worry, I take you with me!
September, 20th
I cannot avoid him forever... I discovered that Jowy and I will have to share the same tent...Karu will be there too. As far as I am concerned I will not be able to hide from my best friend. Sooner or later I would face him and explain my behaviour. I must have hurt his feelings since I do not even dare looking at him. He suspects that I might hide something serious from him.
September, 22nd
We talked. Finally. I could not stand it anymore, could not hold it in anylonger. I told him everything that happened between Karu and me: how he asked me for a date, how he tried to kiss me, what I felt when I saw them...By the time I ended my account, I was crying. I feared that he might yell at me or accuse me of spying on him or something. But nothing happened. He just took me in his arms to confort me. It was nice...Later Karu and he had a fight. He forced him to apologize to me. I think he is still a bit hurt to know. As to me I feel even closer to Jowy. I mean he has fought for me! I have never felt ... well I do not really know what I feel.
September, 26th
I am bored.
September, 29th
Being a soldier is not as hard as I thought. Sometimes we encounter monsters but most of the time we are just waiting. However I have my friend with me so I will not complain. I wonder how Nanami is doing.
Well I had better stop there since it is nearly my turn to patrol.
Good night.
October, 15th
Yay! This is the last night we spend here!!!! Tomorrow we will return home!! I am so happy!!
October, 18th
A lot of things have happened. It all seem so incredible and though it is real.
I do not know if I will be able to forget that dreadful night. I cannot remember clearly...I do not want to...But his image keeps haunting me. Luka Blight. That name makes me shiver all the time. He is frightening, really threatening. I have sense his aura...dark and evil...and sad, terribly sad and lonely. I can almost pity him. Almost. I think that he is completely crazy. How can someone sane deliberatly destroy life and spread chaos and fire, blasting everything around?
And after? Well all I can say is that we jumped from a cliff into the water...I can still hear the deafening noise that came from the waterfalls nearby. Fortunately for you my dear diary, you managed to survive.
I was found and taken here...in the Mercenary Fortress. But Jowy...They say they did not catch him in time...I hope he is all right. Though I cannot help being worried sick for him...He means so much to me...
I am tired so I had better sleep. Good night.
October, 19th
Today I was given some chores to do. I had to clean up the whole place! Tough job...While I was doing the "housework" I noticed a few guards were staring at me oddly and sneering in my back... I seriously wondered if I had something on my face or if there was something wrong about my clothing. Later I talked about it to Flik and Viktor. They rolled their eyes and Viktor muttered something about "sick and pervert manners" and "ogling denfenseless and innocent young boys". A few hours later the men I talked about to Viktor and Flik showed up, followed by the bear-looking man (I mean Viktor). They all apologized. I do not know if I understand it all myself...Anyway the chores wore me off. I miss Jowy. I need to sleep. Good night.
October, 22nd
Jowy is there!!! He is alive!!!! I have prayed so much for his safety and life...I am relieved now that I can see him right in front of me.
He looks very sweet when he sleeps. Good night.
October, 25th
Our first attempt to escape had been a failure, but this time we made it. We are now out of the Fortress.
We returned home.
We returned Kyaro!!
Nanami was waiting for me. Then we were all accused of treason. I could not believe it. Fortunately Flik and Viktor saved us. I will never thank them enough for all they have done...We promised not to escape again and surprisingly they trusted us.
Then Jowy took me to a small village called Toto. I had the pleasure to meet Pilika, a lovely little girl. She keeps calling us "uncle Jowy" and "uncle Lexeï". Jowy seems really fond of her and I understand perfectly. Her parents invited us to spend the night here...They are really kind.
I wonder where Jowy is...He went out for awhile now...Well I am going to look for him. I do not even know why I care so much for him. It just makes me happy, I guess.
October, 27th
Horrible...Terrible...No word can possibly describe it...Toto is in ruin. Pilika, poor child, the only survivor. Luka Blight's work...He destroyed everything, every life...Those defenseless people...Why?...I cannot stand it anymore...I feel sick.
Jowy is a bit too quiet and my heart aches whenever I see him like that. I know how much he loved the village, and Pilika's parents. I can hear him cry even though there is a wall between us. I would like to hold him close to me, to soothe his pain and grief...Again what I feel is confusing...I do not know what to do and it hurts to feel so powerless.
November, 7th
Another village...Ryube...
I saw him. Luka Blight.
What does he seek by burning and killing? Glory? Power? No...Only sadistic, sick, insane pleasure. I do not understand him. Though I tried to. He does not know happiness, friendship...not even love...Is it that fact that led him to madness?
Jowy and I fought by Viktor and Flik's side. But we lost and had to run away.
Pilika has lost her voice for she has been too frightened....She could have been killed...
We also received runes...strange ones...I do not know if we will use them. A mysterious lady told us we would need them to stop the war...For a reason I cannot name, I have a foreboding of evil about the runes...Their power is quite great and I fear they might destroy us somehow...It is hard to explain...
For tonight we are camping but tomorrow we will reach Muse, the capital of Jowston. I worry for the little girl. Jowy is with her at the moment, probably trying to reassure and confort her.
November, 9th
Okay, now we have some problems. The guards do not let us enter the city. That is the reason why we are forced to spend the night in a little inn nearby. However the owner, miss Hilda, is very kind and warm. A very nice woman.
November, 11th
We are finally in Muse...after spending a night in jail.
We met a wonderful woman: Annabelle. She promised she would tell me about Genkaku, my grandfather...
Then Jess, her chancellor, asked us for a favor. He wanted us to spy on Highland camp and make a report. I do not know if it is a good idea.
November, 11th (hours later)
Jowy is held prisonner...I do not know what to do. Viktor nearly tried to kill Jess after he learnt the news.
November, 11th (late in the night)
It is a miracle. Jowy came back! And yet...He acts strangely. I can tell there is something wrong, judging from his behaviour. I have never seen him that withdrawn and silent. He is not even smiling to Nanami's jokes.
When I asked him if everything was all right, he said he did not want to talk with me for the moment, and he just walked away. I have never seen him so cold and it hurts so much because I care about him...Cannot he see it? I do not understand why he rejected me...I think I know how I feel about him...But I am not sure.
I think I am in love with him...Bad time for realization, I guess.
November, 13th
Jowy "killed" Annabelle. I cannot believe it and yet it has happened. It must be a nightmare. He could not have done such a thing. He is so kind and gentle. But I have to be realistic. I am here, alone and he is gone somewhere. Where is he? I miss him...I did not have time to tell him my feelings.
November,27th
Lots of things have happened since Jowy's "betrayal". I still do not know where he is. I just hope that everything is all right for him. But I know he is strong. I still miss him though...I miss his smile, his beautiful laughter, his quiet presence, everything...
For the moment, I am in an old castle...People told me it had been some kind of town before. Viktor seems to know the place very well, but his eyes are sad whenever his eyes lay on the remnants of North Window.
The place belonged to a vampire. We were sent to get rid of him. It had not been easy because we needed a special sword to kill him. Fortunately Viktor and the sword knew each other ; it is quite funny to see them talking together! Well "talking" is a great word, "quarreling" may be a more fitting expression... then we defeated him and took possession of the castle. Viktor and Flik decided to recruit men in order to raise a new army.
As far as I am concerned I will fight with them. I want to. Nanami decided to join too, because she does not want me to be hurt. She said she would protect me. However I know she hates war, probably as much as I do. I do dislike war and though I join them. Weird, is it not? But how can we live, knowing that a monster is killing innocent people everyday?
November, 30st
Okay...There must be something weird about me.
I was sent with some other companions to recruit a man named Shu. He is the most brilliant strategist, according to Apple, and we needed his help to plan our defense against Highland armies. He came with us after we passed his "test"(Nanami, Apple and I have spent the night to search a coin in the cold water...).
He has decided that I would make a great leader. I could not refuse; I mean, there are so much people that pray for peace to come back...
All I want is to fulfill their wish.
I want to stop this stupid war, I want to live with my sister and my best friend back in Kyaro.
I do not want to see tears, blood and fire everywhere I go.
I do not want people to suffer, I want to hear them laugh and live...
I may not be very strong but I am not alone. I trust all the people here.
And so, I said yes.
Everyday the whole concept of war becomes less and less oppressive.
But my real problem for the moment is that, now, for some reason, Shu keeps following me around. He even said that I needed so much protection that he would gladly volunteer to sleep in my room...I may be young but it does not mean I need a baby sitter!! Well, obviously he has more plans than simple baby sitting but I would rather not find out what. Maybe he is crazy? Anyway, some men look at me with this odd expression...They remind me of Viktor's mercenaries in a way. I have only one wish: I would like all those males to stop staring at me as if I was a hunch of meat...This is really unnerving.
I hear Shu's voice, he is calling me for a gathering. I will write later.
December, 15th
Battles, recruits, battles, gatherings...It is really exhausting to be a leader...But I have the wonderful opportunity to make friend with so many people from the whole country. What scares me a little is to see how much they believe in me. Sometimes I doubt I am really worth this faith. But I try not to disappoint them.
Battles are sometimes very hard, but we manage to survive. Really, I am surprised. For the first time I can battle without any reluctance...As if it were natural. I do not feel anything more...There is just ...a void.
As for the enemy, they are quite strong. I really admire General Kiba's strenght even though I know I should not. I wish I have his skills and courage.
Yesterday I met his son Klaus. I heard people say that he is very clever young man. Must be true. He looks very gentle and kind...He reminds of Jowy somehow...Nevertheless he is different. I do not know how to explain this feeling. Nanami is coming to check if I am okay, I had better sleep. Good night.
December, 19th
We have defeated Kiba's army!! He and his son has joined our side. We also learnt King Agares'death. Now Luka Blight is the new king of Highland...
Well the positive point is that we have new allies now...
I was true, Klaus is the nicest person I have ever met (aside from Nanami and Jowy, and my Grandfather)! I really like him a lot. We became friend rather quickly and I feel like I have known him all my life. I feel happy when I am with him...It is quite pleasant...He has magnificient eyes; they are deep turquoise blue with purple reflects...I am completely mesmerized...
Great, now I am blushing. I feel so stupid. He cannot be interested in me; I am so common. Besides he has already tons of suitors. I thought I was in love with Jowy. I am confused.
December, 23rd
Ah it is nearly Christmas!! The snow is falling like bright white feathers...What a beautiful sight...
I remember old days when Jowy, Nanami and I used to play in the snow or to skate on the frozen lake. I still miss him.... It would be nice to spend Christmas together...But it will never happen, will it?
Yes, my best friend has turned into enemy...whereas my enemies have turned into friends and allies...ironical, is it not?
Well now all I have to do is find some Christmas present...I will get one for Nanami (she is my big sister after all), one for Flik and Viktor (I have just discovered that they were lovers!!!), and one for Klaus. I cannot help thinking about him all the time, even during the gatherings...It disturbs me a lot and I do not know what to do. I cannot just tell him. Furthermore he never said wether he prefers girls or guys...He is like a perfect angel that I cannot reach...But I am digressing.
I had better stop writing or else I will talk about him for pages and pages.
December, 25th
Wow. I have received lots of presents...And surprisingly I even had something from him. Him being lovely Klaus. It is a book. I do not remember telling him my love for books... I guess it is pure luck. I have read it all and it is very beautiful love story even if some passages are truly sad.
As to me I wanted to offer him a silver chain bracelet. I could not find something more original or more simple. I still have it though, in one of my drawers. I could not bring myself to give him my present. I lacked the courage when I saw that he had already had many presents from his famous suitors (but his father do not like them very much). I wonder what he thinks about me...Does he find me handsome enough? Too young and too childish?
Well I am too tired to think anymore, I am going to bed. Good night.
December, 30th
We did it. Luka Blight is dead.
I should be happy about that. But I am not.How can you smile and laugh when someone dies?
I saw his eyes when he died and I cried.
They were not monster's eyes, cold and scary. They were human's eyes, expressing sadness, sorrow, regrets and relief. Relief found in death. And he looked at me...His eyes were sympathetic and slightly mocking...they said : "now it is your turn...You killed me...What do you feel? Nothing? We are alike, I told you so...You are a monster. Just like me."
I cannot sleep. I keep tossing uncomfortably in my bed and I cannot close my eyes without seeing him, bleeding, and his eyes are haunting me. Blood...I can see blood in my dream...It stains my hand. I killed so many people, those I called my "enemies", and I never realized I was a monster. Just like him.
December, 30th (later in the night)
I killed him.
I killed him.
I killed him.
I killed him myself.
I killed.
I am a monster.
I am a monster who killed another monster.
I am a monster who killed.
I am a monster who kills.
I wish someone could help me before I go insane.
January, 5th
No, the war is not over yet...Jowy took the lead of Highland armies and the throne of the kingdom. I could not believe it at first but soon I had to face it: he is still my "enemy".
I still dream about Luka dying...I cannot get rid of that nightmare, it just keeps haunting me every night. I cannot sleep peacefully.
Nanami worries about my health ; she said I have lost weight and that dark circles slightly appear under my eyes. I feel so sick that I cannot even eat properly. How am I supposed to lead a whole army in these conditions?
Shu and Klaus tried to convince me to get some rest. They are looking at me with concern, but I do not need their pity, I do not need anything, I do not need anyone, just leave me alone. I must be completely crazy...
Klaus looked hurt when I told him to go to hell...He was just trying to help me...Does he care about me? Or does he care for the leader I am supposed to be?
How can you care for a monster...
At this time I feel like tearing something off, I want to break something to soothe the pain, to drown my sorrow.
Please help me.
January, 6th (late at night)
I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.
This idea is harassing me. Am I obscessed? I try to push it away, I try to hide, I try to run away, I try to forget and it keeps coming back. Oh, please...Help me.
January, 10th
I do not feel well at all. My vision blurs from time to time, but nothing serious. Nanami insisted on looking after me. I am slowy sinking. I am drowning. So hard to breathe and go on living.
The library is empty today. I just threw everyone out. They must not see me like that. I am so piteous.
The monster is weak. Ha ha ha. That's not even funny.
I am barely able to walk without swaying...
I am falling. Please catch me before I hit the ground.
Please help me.
I do not know how long my sanity will last.
Please help me.
January, 12th
I receive lots of messages from all my stars, in that sort of mailbox we have near the gathering room. They all say the same thing. They are all worried about me, they suggest me to get some rest or to go and see Huan.
I am not ill.
I do not want them to take care of me.
I hate them. I hate them. I hate them all...
I hate myself.
January, 13th
Things are getting worst and worst. I have become rude, and sometimes violent, to everyone.
I nearly harm Klaus this morning.
I was about to collapse and he came to my rescue, saying that everything would be all right. I shoved him against the wall. His kindness was getting on my nerves. He just stood up and smiled, whispering he cares for me and will always. How can he??
Look at me...I am half-crazy! Yes, I know for sure that I am nothing but a monster. They keep calling me their friend, they keep pretending that they do not know my real nature, they keep trying to help. But it is too late.
Blood has been shed. Blood is on my hands. Blood floods in my dreams. Blood is spread on battle fields. Blood, there is blood everywhere; on, the walls, on my sheets, in my plate!!! Everywhere, blood is everywhere? Cannot they see it? Cannot they?
Great, now I am crying.
I unsuccesfully tried to blink back my tears, but they would still fall and fall and fall and fall...just like me. But this time I have nothing to cling to, nothing to rely on...nothing...noone.
January, 14th
Yes I am still alive. I am a living sick bastard. That is all.
Look at the the great hero. Hah! Let me laugh!
Nanami had forced me to stay in my room for today. Who does she think she is? Though I cannot escape from this room: there are about five guards in front of my door. Furthermore I can barely walk. The lack of food has weakened me.
Luka would laugh if he could see me right now.
See? I am obscessed with him! We are so much alike. No, we are different... alike... different ... alike... Damn I do not know!!
Please someones give me an answer!!
No, I do not want help help...Otherwise I will endanger those who would try to help me...like gentle and sweet Klaus...I am lost...
I do not need them, right? And they do not need me at all...Who would?
My headaches are getting worst...It hurts so much...
I want to die.
January, 15th
My head hurts like hell...
Hard to think. You know, they believe I cannot hear them...But I do. Every whisper, every breath. I can hear everything. And I know what they say about me. They have all concluded that I was mad. They are right, I am.
There is no reason why I should live...
Just kill me.
Noone would regret me. War will stop, people's life will be spared, no more destruction, no more tears, no more blood, no more suffering...What more can you ask for?
At least my very dream and wish would come true.
So...let me die.
I want to die.
Please...
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Okay, that is all for part one! I know the story gets darker and darker at the end. However I did not intend to write it that way at the beginning. It was supposed to be only a little love story, bright and happy...Now I am confronted to a suicidal teenage...Anyway what is done cannot be changed.
Flames? Oh yes, of course you can send me flames and any other comments...I do not mind. Just do not send me bombs or such, okay? ^^;;
Part 1 – When darkness arises.
Spoilers for the whole game.
No, those wonderful characters do not belong to me. If they did, I would not be there, writing these stuff. I would live in a marvellous villa in St Tropez, admiring the fantastic view...Anyway this is but a dream. So these characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. I do not make any benefits with my poor stories so please do not bother me!
The story contains some shônen ai.
The hero's name is Lexeï.
The story (if you can call this stuff a story) is quite lame and stupid. ^^;;
I have no beta-reader for this part…Sorry. If you notice mistakes then just tell me. I usually write in french (I am French after all) so there might be a lot.
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Each part stands for a different character: Hero first, then Nanami, then Klaus, Hero again, then Nanami, then Klaus and so on.
Huh? Oh yeah, there will be other parts...How many? How am I suppose to know? What? Because I am the friggin' author? Who told you I was? Oh...It is written on top? Really? So...I am the author...You sure? Why do you say I am stupid?? Because I am really?...Oh...
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July, 29th
Nanami sometimes has very weird ideas. Today is my birthday and she offered me this diary. She said I was supposed to confide all my most intimate thoughts to it...She added I had to treat it like a person, therefore I will try to do so.
My name is Lexeï, and I am now fifteen years old. My only family is my sister Nanami and she is sixteen. She is quite a strong girl and I know I can always rely on her. She always want to protect me and she worries so much for me...I do not know if I deserve such attention. I mean, I am no one special!
I also have my best friend Jowy. He is two years older than me. He is clever, mature and very good-looking. That is the reason why he is so popular with girls. I must admit I have always envied him somehow. I hope that one day I will be like him...
These two people are the most important for me. I would do anything for them because I love them so much. I do not want to loose them...
Well, and as for you...You are from now on my official diary! As a result I will share my secrets with you and I will also tell you about how life is for me...Okay?
Lexeï.
August, 10th
Wah! Today I have great news!!! Jowy and I were recruited to join the Unicorn Brigade of Highland army!! I cannot believe it...Nanami is a bit worry (as usual) but she says nothing. However I know she totally disapproves of it...
Well it is late now, I guess I should go to bed.
Good night.
August, 23rd
It has been a while since I last wrote. I think I should apologize for having neglected you!
Anyway Jowy and I train very hard. He is a pretty good fighter, you know. He is so much better than I will ever be. I really envy him but at the same time I am very proud of being his friend. I wonder what he thinks about me actually. He is always so quiet and reserved. He rarely talks about feelings. But I suppose it is his way to be.
August, 26th
I do not really want to write but it is the only way I found to enlighten the burden that weighs on my heart... Today was a bad day...I do not know how to explain what I feel...It is so confusing, so disturbing.
This afternoon we were free since there was no training. I thought that I could visit Nanami for a bit. I looked for Jowy as well. I wondered if he would like to go too. As I was leaving, a boy approached me.
His name is Karu. If I remember rightly his parents owns a little shop near Jowy's house. What he said completely stunned me. He wanted a date with me! He went on with how cute I was when I smiled and other things I do not remember. I think I was blushing crimson when I understood what he meant. The problem was that I did not want to go out with him. The strangest idea occured to me: I would rather go out with Jowy. I still do not understand why I thought that. As for Karu he looked angry. According to rumors I have heard, no one had ever refused to go on a date with him. Consequently I was the first to reject him. Then he tried to kiss me! I pushed him away. He called me an idiot and just left me there.
I decided to continue my search for Jowy. When I found him, I was competely petrified. He was kissing someone, he was kissing a boy, he was kissing Karu...the boy who was courting me a few minutes ago. I felt betrayed by Jowy. I could not even speak, so I just walked away. Why I reacted that way, I will never know. The sight of Jowy and Karu together made my blood boil...I had felt horribly jealous...and hurt.
I think I need some fresh air.
September, 15th
Today we are leaving Kyaro. I am a bit anxious; I have never left my hometown before. I hope everything will be alright... Nanami came here to say good bye. It was so sad. I felt her grief even behind her brave and bright smile. She is such a nice sister.
I try to avoid Jowy as much as possible. I am still a bit uneasy with what happened. I do not know how to deal with it...
I should finish packing my things or else I will be late. Do not worry, I take you with me!
September, 20th
I cannot avoid him forever... I discovered that Jowy and I will have to share the same tent...Karu will be there too. As far as I am concerned I will not be able to hide from my best friend. Sooner or later I would face him and explain my behaviour. I must have hurt his feelings since I do not even dare looking at him. He suspects that I might hide something serious from him.
September, 22nd
We talked. Finally. I could not stand it anymore, could not hold it in anylonger. I told him everything that happened between Karu and me: how he asked me for a date, how he tried to kiss me, what I felt when I saw them...By the time I ended my account, I was crying. I feared that he might yell at me or accuse me of spying on him or something. But nothing happened. He just took me in his arms to confort me. It was nice...Later Karu and he had a fight. He forced him to apologize to me. I think he is still a bit hurt to know. As to me I feel even closer to Jowy. I mean he has fought for me! I have never felt ... well I do not really know what I feel.
September, 26th
I am bored.
September, 29th
Being a soldier is not as hard as I thought. Sometimes we encounter monsters but most of the time we are just waiting. However I have my friend with me so I will not complain. I wonder how Nanami is doing.
Well I had better stop there since it is nearly my turn to patrol.
Good night.
October, 15th
Yay! This is the last night we spend here!!!! Tomorrow we will return home!! I am so happy!!
October, 18th
A lot of things have happened. It all seem so incredible and though it is real.
I do not know if I will be able to forget that dreadful night. I cannot remember clearly...I do not want to...But his image keeps haunting me. Luka Blight. That name makes me shiver all the time. He is frightening, really threatening. I have sense his aura...dark and evil...and sad, terribly sad and lonely. I can almost pity him. Almost. I think that he is completely crazy. How can someone sane deliberatly destroy life and spread chaos and fire, blasting everything around?
And after? Well all I can say is that we jumped from a cliff into the water...I can still hear the deafening noise that came from the waterfalls nearby. Fortunately for you my dear diary, you managed to survive.
I was found and taken here...in the Mercenary Fortress. But Jowy...They say they did not catch him in time...I hope he is all right. Though I cannot help being worried sick for him...He means so much to me...
I am tired so I had better sleep. Good night.
October, 19th
Today I was given some chores to do. I had to clean up the whole place! Tough job...While I was doing the "housework" I noticed a few guards were staring at me oddly and sneering in my back... I seriously wondered if I had something on my face or if there was something wrong about my clothing. Later I talked about it to Flik and Viktor. They rolled their eyes and Viktor muttered something about "sick and pervert manners" and "ogling denfenseless and innocent young boys". A few hours later the men I talked about to Viktor and Flik showed up, followed by the bear-looking man (I mean Viktor). They all apologized. I do not know if I understand it all myself...Anyway the chores wore me off. I miss Jowy. I need to sleep. Good night.
October, 22nd
Jowy is there!!! He is alive!!!! I have prayed so much for his safety and life...I am relieved now that I can see him right in front of me.
He looks very sweet when he sleeps. Good night.
October, 25th
Our first attempt to escape had been a failure, but this time we made it. We are now out of the Fortress.
We returned home.
We returned Kyaro!!
Nanami was waiting for me. Then we were all accused of treason. I could not believe it. Fortunately Flik and Viktor saved us. I will never thank them enough for all they have done...We promised not to escape again and surprisingly they trusted us.
Then Jowy took me to a small village called Toto. I had the pleasure to meet Pilika, a lovely little girl. She keeps calling us "uncle Jowy" and "uncle Lexeï". Jowy seems really fond of her and I understand perfectly. Her parents invited us to spend the night here...They are really kind.
I wonder where Jowy is...He went out for awhile now...Well I am going to look for him. I do not even know why I care so much for him. It just makes me happy, I guess.
October, 27th
Horrible...Terrible...No word can possibly describe it...Toto is in ruin. Pilika, poor child, the only survivor. Luka Blight's work...He destroyed everything, every life...Those defenseless people...Why?...I cannot stand it anymore...I feel sick.
Jowy is a bit too quiet and my heart aches whenever I see him like that. I know how much he loved the village, and Pilika's parents. I can hear him cry even though there is a wall between us. I would like to hold him close to me, to soothe his pain and grief...Again what I feel is confusing...I do not know what to do and it hurts to feel so powerless.
November, 7th
Another village...Ryube...
I saw him. Luka Blight.
What does he seek by burning and killing? Glory? Power? No...Only sadistic, sick, insane pleasure. I do not understand him. Though I tried to. He does not know happiness, friendship...not even love...Is it that fact that led him to madness?
Jowy and I fought by Viktor and Flik's side. But we lost and had to run away.
Pilika has lost her voice for she has been too frightened....She could have been killed...
We also received runes...strange ones...I do not know if we will use them. A mysterious lady told us we would need them to stop the war...For a reason I cannot name, I have a foreboding of evil about the runes...Their power is quite great and I fear they might destroy us somehow...It is hard to explain...
For tonight we are camping but tomorrow we will reach Muse, the capital of Jowston. I worry for the little girl. Jowy is with her at the moment, probably trying to reassure and confort her.
November, 9th
Okay, now we have some problems. The guards do not let us enter the city. That is the reason why we are forced to spend the night in a little inn nearby. However the owner, miss Hilda, is very kind and warm. A very nice woman.
November, 11th
We are finally in Muse...after spending a night in jail.
We met a wonderful woman: Annabelle. She promised she would tell me about Genkaku, my grandfather...
Then Jess, her chancellor, asked us for a favor. He wanted us to spy on Highland camp and make a report. I do not know if it is a good idea.
November, 11th (hours later)
Jowy is held prisonner...I do not know what to do. Viktor nearly tried to kill Jess after he learnt the news.
November, 11th (late in the night)
It is a miracle. Jowy came back! And yet...He acts strangely. I can tell there is something wrong, judging from his behaviour. I have never seen him that withdrawn and silent. He is not even smiling to Nanami's jokes.
When I asked him if everything was all right, he said he did not want to talk with me for the moment, and he just walked away. I have never seen him so cold and it hurts so much because I care about him...Cannot he see it? I do not understand why he rejected me...I think I know how I feel about him...But I am not sure.
I think I am in love with him...Bad time for realization, I guess.
November, 13th
Jowy "killed" Annabelle. I cannot believe it and yet it has happened. It must be a nightmare. He could not have done such a thing. He is so kind and gentle. But I have to be realistic. I am here, alone and he is gone somewhere. Where is he? I miss him...I did not have time to tell him my feelings.
November,27th
Lots of things have happened since Jowy's "betrayal". I still do not know where he is. I just hope that everything is all right for him. But I know he is strong. I still miss him though...I miss his smile, his beautiful laughter, his quiet presence, everything...
For the moment, I am in an old castle...People told me it had been some kind of town before. Viktor seems to know the place very well, but his eyes are sad whenever his eyes lay on the remnants of North Window.
The place belonged to a vampire. We were sent to get rid of him. It had not been easy because we needed a special sword to kill him. Fortunately Viktor and the sword knew each other ; it is quite funny to see them talking together! Well "talking" is a great word, "quarreling" may be a more fitting expression... then we defeated him and took possession of the castle. Viktor and Flik decided to recruit men in order to raise a new army.
As far as I am concerned I will fight with them. I want to. Nanami decided to join too, because she does not want me to be hurt. She said she would protect me. However I know she hates war, probably as much as I do. I do dislike war and though I join them. Weird, is it not? But how can we live, knowing that a monster is killing innocent people everyday?
November, 30st
Okay...There must be something weird about me.
I was sent with some other companions to recruit a man named Shu. He is the most brilliant strategist, according to Apple, and we needed his help to plan our defense against Highland armies. He came with us after we passed his "test"(Nanami, Apple and I have spent the night to search a coin in the cold water...).
He has decided that I would make a great leader. I could not refuse; I mean, there are so much people that pray for peace to come back...
All I want is to fulfill their wish.
I want to stop this stupid war, I want to live with my sister and my best friend back in Kyaro.
I do not want to see tears, blood and fire everywhere I go.
I do not want people to suffer, I want to hear them laugh and live...
I may not be very strong but I am not alone. I trust all the people here.
And so, I said yes.
Everyday the whole concept of war becomes less and less oppressive.
But my real problem for the moment is that, now, for some reason, Shu keeps following me around. He even said that I needed so much protection that he would gladly volunteer to sleep in my room...I may be young but it does not mean I need a baby sitter!! Well, obviously he has more plans than simple baby sitting but I would rather not find out what. Maybe he is crazy? Anyway, some men look at me with this odd expression...They remind me of Viktor's mercenaries in a way. I have only one wish: I would like all those males to stop staring at me as if I was a hunch of meat...This is really unnerving.
I hear Shu's voice, he is calling me for a gathering. I will write later.
December, 15th
Battles, recruits, battles, gatherings...It is really exhausting to be a leader...But I have the wonderful opportunity to make friend with so many people from the whole country. What scares me a little is to see how much they believe in me. Sometimes I doubt I am really worth this faith. But I try not to disappoint them.
Battles are sometimes very hard, but we manage to survive. Really, I am surprised. For the first time I can battle without any reluctance...As if it were natural. I do not feel anything more...There is just ...a void.
As for the enemy, they are quite strong. I really admire General Kiba's strenght even though I know I should not. I wish I have his skills and courage.
Yesterday I met his son Klaus. I heard people say that he is very clever young man. Must be true. He looks very gentle and kind...He reminds of Jowy somehow...Nevertheless he is different. I do not know how to explain this feeling. Nanami is coming to check if I am okay, I had better sleep. Good night.
December, 19th
We have defeated Kiba's army!! He and his son has joined our side. We also learnt King Agares'death. Now Luka Blight is the new king of Highland...
Well the positive point is that we have new allies now...
I was true, Klaus is the nicest person I have ever met (aside from Nanami and Jowy, and my Grandfather)! I really like him a lot. We became friend rather quickly and I feel like I have known him all my life. I feel happy when I am with him...It is quite pleasant...He has magnificient eyes; they are deep turquoise blue with purple reflects...I am completely mesmerized...
Great, now I am blushing. I feel so stupid. He cannot be interested in me; I am so common. Besides he has already tons of suitors. I thought I was in love with Jowy. I am confused.
December, 23rd
Ah it is nearly Christmas!! The snow is falling like bright white feathers...What a beautiful sight...
I remember old days when Jowy, Nanami and I used to play in the snow or to skate on the frozen lake. I still miss him.... It would be nice to spend Christmas together...But it will never happen, will it?
Yes, my best friend has turned into enemy...whereas my enemies have turned into friends and allies...ironical, is it not?
Well now all I have to do is find some Christmas present...I will get one for Nanami (she is my big sister after all), one for Flik and Viktor (I have just discovered that they were lovers!!!), and one for Klaus. I cannot help thinking about him all the time, even during the gatherings...It disturbs me a lot and I do not know what to do. I cannot just tell him. Furthermore he never said wether he prefers girls or guys...He is like a perfect angel that I cannot reach...But I am digressing.
I had better stop writing or else I will talk about him for pages and pages.
December, 25th
Wow. I have received lots of presents...And surprisingly I even had something from him. Him being lovely Klaus. It is a book. I do not remember telling him my love for books... I guess it is pure luck. I have read it all and it is very beautiful love story even if some passages are truly sad.
As to me I wanted to offer him a silver chain bracelet. I could not find something more original or more simple. I still have it though, in one of my drawers. I could not bring myself to give him my present. I lacked the courage when I saw that he had already had many presents from his famous suitors (but his father do not like them very much). I wonder what he thinks about me...Does he find me handsome enough? Too young and too childish?
Well I am too tired to think anymore, I am going to bed. Good night.
December, 30th
We did it. Luka Blight is dead.
I should be happy about that. But I am not.How can you smile and laugh when someone dies?
I saw his eyes when he died and I cried.
They were not monster's eyes, cold and scary. They were human's eyes, expressing sadness, sorrow, regrets and relief. Relief found in death. And he looked at me...His eyes were sympathetic and slightly mocking...they said : "now it is your turn...You killed me...What do you feel? Nothing? We are alike, I told you so...You are a monster. Just like me."
I cannot sleep. I keep tossing uncomfortably in my bed and I cannot close my eyes without seeing him, bleeding, and his eyes are haunting me. Blood...I can see blood in my dream...It stains my hand. I killed so many people, those I called my "enemies", and I never realized I was a monster. Just like him.
December, 30th (later in the night)
I killed him.
I killed him.
I killed him.
I killed him myself.
I killed.
I am a monster.
I am a monster who killed another monster.
I am a monster who killed.
I am a monster who kills.
I wish someone could help me before I go insane.
January, 5th
No, the war is not over yet...Jowy took the lead of Highland armies and the throne of the kingdom. I could not believe it at first but soon I had to face it: he is still my "enemy".
I still dream about Luka dying...I cannot get rid of that nightmare, it just keeps haunting me every night. I cannot sleep peacefully.
Nanami worries about my health ; she said I have lost weight and that dark circles slightly appear under my eyes. I feel so sick that I cannot even eat properly. How am I supposed to lead a whole army in these conditions?
Shu and Klaus tried to convince me to get some rest. They are looking at me with concern, but I do not need their pity, I do not need anything, I do not need anyone, just leave me alone. I must be completely crazy...
Klaus looked hurt when I told him to go to hell...He was just trying to help me...Does he care about me? Or does he care for the leader I am supposed to be?
How can you care for a monster...
At this time I feel like tearing something off, I want to break something to soothe the pain, to drown my sorrow.
Please help me.
January, 6th (late at night)
I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.
This idea is harassing me. Am I obscessed? I try to push it away, I try to hide, I try to run away, I try to forget and it keeps coming back. Oh, please...Help me.
January, 10th
I do not feel well at all. My vision blurs from time to time, but nothing serious. Nanami insisted on looking after me. I am slowy sinking. I am drowning. So hard to breathe and go on living.
The library is empty today. I just threw everyone out. They must not see me like that. I am so piteous.
The monster is weak. Ha ha ha. That's not even funny.
I am barely able to walk without swaying...
I am falling. Please catch me before I hit the ground.
Please help me.
I do not know how long my sanity will last.
Please help me.
January, 12th
I receive lots of messages from all my stars, in that sort of mailbox we have near the gathering room. They all say the same thing. They are all worried about me, they suggest me to get some rest or to go and see Huan.
I am not ill.
I do not want them to take care of me.
I hate them. I hate them. I hate them all...
I hate myself.
January, 13th
Things are getting worst and worst. I have become rude, and sometimes violent, to everyone.
I nearly harm Klaus this morning.
I was about to collapse and he came to my rescue, saying that everything would be all right. I shoved him against the wall. His kindness was getting on my nerves. He just stood up and smiled, whispering he cares for me and will always. How can he??
Look at me...I am half-crazy! Yes, I know for sure that I am nothing but a monster. They keep calling me their friend, they keep pretending that they do not know my real nature, they keep trying to help. But it is too late.
Blood has been shed. Blood is on my hands. Blood floods in my dreams. Blood is spread on battle fields. Blood, there is blood everywhere; on, the walls, on my sheets, in my plate!!! Everywhere, blood is everywhere? Cannot they see it? Cannot they?
Great, now I am crying.
I unsuccesfully tried to blink back my tears, but they would still fall and fall and fall and fall...just like me. But this time I have nothing to cling to, nothing to rely on...nothing...noone.
January, 14th
Yes I am still alive. I am a living sick bastard. That is all.
Look at the the great hero. Hah! Let me laugh!
Nanami had forced me to stay in my room for today. Who does she think she is? Though I cannot escape from this room: there are about five guards in front of my door. Furthermore I can barely walk. The lack of food has weakened me.
Luka would laugh if he could see me right now.
See? I am obscessed with him! We are so much alike. No, we are different... alike... different ... alike... Damn I do not know!!
Please someones give me an answer!!
No, I do not want help help...Otherwise I will endanger those who would try to help me...like gentle and sweet Klaus...I am lost...
I do not need them, right? And they do not need me at all...Who would?
My headaches are getting worst...It hurts so much...
I want to die.
January, 15th
My head hurts like hell...
Hard to think. You know, they believe I cannot hear them...But I do. Every whisper, every breath. I can hear everything. And I know what they say about me. They have all concluded that I was mad. They are right, I am.
There is no reason why I should live...
Just kill me.
Noone would regret me. War will stop, people's life will be spared, no more destruction, no more tears, no more blood, no more suffering...What more can you ask for?
At least my very dream and wish would come true.
So...let me die.
I want to die.
Please...
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Okay, that is all for part one! I know the story gets darker and darker at the end. However I did not intend to write it that way at the beginning. It was supposed to be only a little love story, bright and happy...Now I am confronted to a suicidal teenage...Anyway what is done cannot be changed.
Flames? Oh yes, of course you can send me flames and any other comments...I do not mind. Just do not send me bombs or such, okay? ^^;;